First I want to thank you all for all of the wonderful posts and the amount of support that is found here. I have been lurking here for a few months now and don't really have anywhere else to turn in regards to what I am going through.

A little background: My husband grew up Mormon but fell away from the church as a teen. He never talked about it and showed no interest in it. Four years back we began having problems in our marriage. At that time he felt that he needed the church in his life. Wanting to do whatever I needed to do to keep my family together, I began taking the missionary discussions. I was baptized in January of 2010.

Things were going pretty well. I enjoyed the closeness that it brought to our family. I never questioned anything. I became the model convert. As I said things went well, up until June of 2011. At that point my DH decided that it was all too much. He wanted to leave me and our son and became inactive. I also went inactive and once again did whatever I needed to do to keep my family together.

This lasted until December of 2011. I was not happy. I didn't like the person he had become without the church influence in his life. He lied, did drugs, and cheated on me. I told him enough was enough and that he needed to move out.

That was enough for him to again to turn back to the church. He confessed everything to the branch president and began the repentance process. Over the following two months, he tried to get me to take him back. He confessed to me everything he did, half of which I had no idea about, and asked for my forgiveness. He played the "don't you want our family to be together forever? Don't you want that for our son?" I gave in and took him back....

We began going to church again together in March. This time around, I questioned everything. I mean, if a man that was supposedly so righteous and a priesthood holder could do the terrible things he did, what else was wrong with the picture? I found this site and Mormonthink and began doing the research I should have done in the beginning.

I came to the absolute conclusion that I do not believe in the church or its teachings in July. But then I was faced with how to tell my tbm DH. I let it fester inside of me until I felt like I was going to die. I was still going to church and teaching relief society. At the end of September I had to give a talk. It was horrible. I'm disappointed in myself for the words that I spoke that I did not believe. Funny part of it was that the first counselor of the stake was there that day and asked for a copy of my talk because it was so "inspired". Ugh...what a joke.

So a couple of days after the talk, I finally got up the gumption to tell my DH how I felt. Our marriage was on shaky grounds to begin with, and I was unsure how this was going to go. Well, the first thing he said after I told him how I felt was that our marriage is not going to make it without the church. That he needs the church to be a good man and a good father. He has not talked to me about it at all since then, and it has been almost 4 weeks now.

Two days after I told him, he changed the password to the online banking. He is the only one that works, so I have no access to any money. I also found out that he tried to look up an old girlfriend on the internet the same day. When I asked him about both things, he said he changed the password because he doesn't trust me anymore and looked up the girl because he was curious. He said my not believing in the church has completely changed everything that our marriage was based on. Basically I just get the cold shoulder now. One word answers to questions and no communication.

As he was getting ready to leave for church this morning, I got up the nerve to ask him if he wanted me to move out (we are living in a house his tbm mother owns) and he said yes. Luckily I have been offered a job and start in a week.

Sorry this is getting so long and undoubtedly all over the place, but its the first time I've been able to really get it all out. My family does not understand the Mormon church and could in no way relate to how I am feeling and what I am experiencing.

Thank you for offering a place where I can turn to to try and manage all of the changes that my life is facing now that I have left the church.

What are your feelings about moving out? plans .. family?
A divorce attorney first thing in the morning would be one of my next steps.. but I am not you.
Money
Money
Money

You have a very difficult path right now. Are you sure you no longer will follow him? Then the dye is cast

oh my best to you



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 11:55AM by mindlight.

I am ready to move out. I feel very unwanted here. I am done following the path that he sets. I have followed so long that I need to find myself again. I don't have money for a divorce attorney, so not really sure what my options are there....

Legal aid. There are always options.

Get an attorney and put a freeze on the bank account, and any other money he may have access to. 401k's. Even if you don't work, they are half yours.

I'm sorry! What a horrible situation. He's the one who should leave, not you. All you did was leave the church, he's done horrible things to you.

If you do leave, take your son and petition for emergency relief tomorrow so he'll have to start paying some support before you actually file papers.

He has proved over and over that he needs a crutch in order to PRETEND to be good. He's not good on his own, only when an institution is twisting his arm and dumping guilt on him. Is that the type of man you want to be married to? Do you want him to be steering your future?

No, that is not the type of man I want to be married to. And as fo the future, he isn't exactly the type to have goals...

Its just so much all at once that I feel like I don't know what direction to go next.

Talk to an attorney ASAP! You need to protect yourself and your child.

Honey, get out now. You have the perfect excuse if you need it. Nothing is going to change with this man, if you stay you will experience this same kind of thing over and over and over again.

My ex so-called TBM husband of 20 years did so many of the same things, so reading your post was like reading my own past. My biggest regret in life was that I didn't pack up my kids and leave or at the very least, kick him out years before I finally did.

The law is on your side. Take advantage of it. Call your family, you may be surprised at the support you'll get from them -- they'll probably be glad to have you back.

Good luck.

I am sooooooooo sorry you are going through all this darlin!

I wish every single non-mo young woman who comes to this board asking whether or not they should marry their Jack Mormon boyfriends could read your post and SEE THEIR FUTURE.

These guys are brainwashed from infancy. Even if they totally fall away in their teen years, some weird wire gets tripped in their brains at some crossroads in their adult life, and they "go back to church." It's such a classic behavior pattern I wish somebody would do a psychiatric study on the phenomenon.

I'm not ranting at you "true," I'm just ranting at the horrible unfairness of it all. You had no idea what you were getting into when you married an inactive Mormon. You did what you thought was best for your family. My heart just breaks for you.

You best believe your husband when he tells you he "needs the church to be a good husband and father." He's telling you the truth. He has no idea how to develop a moral code without "The Church." His brain has been hardwired to believe that.

So, if you can't tolerate "The Church" then you are screwed.

Please hang with us as you transition to your new life and let us know how things progress.

Shannon ;o)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/28/2012 12:59PM by shannon.

I had someone try to steal my identity and get into my bank account. My bank kills your password after three failed attempts. You have to call them and get a new one... Just saying...

Checks get around passwords, don't they?

We have no checks....its an electronic checking account. I cant call the bank to reset the password as I am not the primary name on the account. I found that out when I locked it out once.

I'm not overly concerned about the bank issue. Its not like there is much money in there as it is. If he feels like he needs that control, more power to him. I'm not playing the game.

I am so sorry!

Clearly the church was not enough to make your marriage work in the past. I agree that it may have been a vehicle for him to attempt to focus to be a better person, but he hasn't been a jerk only one time.

It also seems pretty clear that divorce is the direction your marriage is heading. I sounds like it is where it should have gone some time ago.

My 2nd hand understanding is that if you move out it it may weaken your position in the divorce proceedings.

Start writing down and documenting what is occurring with your husband with a date. Write down the details of the girlfriend catch and the bank account change, etc. Write down the past history. Documentation like this will be seen as much more credible than a spoken words.

Get it touch with a lawyer.

How terrible! I know a lady whose husband did similar (got into drugs, squandered money, was a controlling freak, and who knows what else). Full disclosure: We're all RLDS. Anyway, my opinion is this does not bode well. Looking up an old girlfriend? Changing the password on the bank account? Oh no no no. This is not how a husband and father should be reacting in his situation. GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU CAN. It's not going to get better. (My friend had to eventually divorce and she's supporting all her kids on her own, last I heard.)

If your husband feels he "needs" the church to be "good," well, fine then. I'm actually not dismissing that. But it doesn't even sound like he's trying to do right by you. That's not being "good." Go now, fly like the wind! Go without any feelings of guilt. It's not you with the problem.

Im going to also as you to contact a lawyer. I see you have stated that you can not afford one, j think you can not afford not to have one, regardless of how little money there currently is. Dont wait untill you are working. Do it now. Also when it comes time to make a custody agreement go for the jugular. Its easyer to lighten it later, than tightening it later.

On a more personal note, hunny you take care of you. You seem to have a pretty steady head on your shoulders, you can do this. Call your family and let them help.

People who use their religion as a weapon are generally dis-functional (stating the obvious I know) If you don't go to church your marriage is over, and if you do go to church you live a big fat ugly lie. It's tough to find the courage and strength to move forward and face reality. You could suggest counseling as long as it's not LDS Social Services. They will side with your hubby faster than you can say Estrangement.

He's already two steps ahead of you unfortunetly. So, I would focus on your own happiness and ask for help from family, friends, free legal aid. Make a list of all your assets, bank accounts, property, titles, net worth, etc. He can't block you from getting what's legally yours in a marriage and once he closes off the accounts -- he can be held liable in a court of law.

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

Many lawyers do a consult for free. I would make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and see what he/she has to say.

I'm so sorry for your situation. Decent guys don't need a church hounding them in order to do the right thing.

And indecent guys don't stay decent in the long term because they have a church hounding them...

DO NOT MOVE OUT, see an attorney this week.
If you move out it could be construed as abandonment.

Your husband is rotter, you'd better protect yorself legally before making any moves.

I'm assuming you don't have children, right?

If you are living in his TBM family's home, you have nothing to lose, right?

If I am correct on both those points, then things get really simple fast-- YOu have already decided the church is not for you, so there 's really only one question:

Do you want a husband who has bad character?

Someone who doesn't love you and doesn't trust you?

If your answer is yes, see a psychiatrist because you have bigger problems than a divorce on the horizon.

If the answer is no, what are you waiting for? You deserve better and every day spent there is a day wasted.

Best of luck--you are going to be just fine.

Anagrammy

Set 2 year --5 year --10 year goals --As you have a 6 year old, it is easy to get sidetracked into thinking this would not be good for him. However what a child needs is consistancy and all this on again and off again is really messing with his mind ..

I am so glad you have a job and that will bring a sense of permanence to his life as well as yours ..However you need to have a plan of campaign to progress your life forward.. the rest will fall into place ..

Get with the program (of your own making)

JB

My Mormon ex-husband abandoned me and our children. He hid all our assets, including the assets from our joint real estate ventures. I hired an attorney, but it was too late. We did get minimal child support for half as long as the marriage, and I did get half the house. I was broke and jobless when he left to move in with one of his women. My father loaned me the money to hire the lawyer. I needed instant money, and the real estate market was good, so I sold real estate for a company who knew me. My children were young, and when they got older, they babysat and did yard work and paper routes. My children and I have a tremendous admiration and respect and loyalty for each other. I would rather have their love than the love of some man, any day.
We had some really rough times, but had tremendous good luck, too.

I strongly suspect that the church probably does not have much to do with your husband's bad moral behavior. He's just using that as a scapegoat. Cheaters blame everyone but themselves.

I promise you this: You could be the most beautiful, kindest, most talented, entertaining, wealthy, Mormon-y woman in the world, and your husband would still cheat on you. It is all about the cheater, not the one cheated on. I had no idea that my husband was cheating all those years--but I did know that he was narcissistic, that he didn't love me, and wasn't very interested in being a father.

If you think honestly about your life with your children, I'll bet YOU have been the one who has done everything to create a life for them. He probably just supplied the money, and nothing more. You take your children with you, and you take all the love, the morality, the integrity, and you can continue to raise your children to become good citizens. They will not be like their father, because they will lose all respect for him, without you saying a word. Children are very observant!

Just do your best. If I could do it, so can anyone else. But, you can't do it without a lawyer. If you live in Salt Lake City, you can call the Utah State Bar, and make an appointment to see an attorney for free. Volunteer attorneys meet with clients on Tuesday nights, I believe. Most likely other states have similar programs.

Your husband will cheat, no matter what you do or don't do. I suspect he used the church ploy to buy more time with you, so he could hide all his assets and prepare for the divorce. Most men don't divorce their wife until they have other arrangements in place with another woman. Dr. Phil calls this "having a soft place to land." You, on the other hand, are unprepared.

Please return and report. I'm sorry you are going through all this! It is difficult, but rewarding and sometimes fun, to raise a child without a father, and you may wish you had more help--but you will never wish you had your creepy husband back.