He can't understand my need for RfM. I tried to explain that he wasn't effected by TSCC the same way that I was.

Even though he was YM pres and all that good stuff, he never truly believed it. He just went through the motions...

I on the other hand, tried so hard to be a TBM. But I never fit in. I couldn't make myself be like the other girls. I was never called for any sort of calling until I was married and inactive(they tried to call me for library. It was about two years ago). I think there was a push to get young inactives back, I was only 21.

I have no idea why I was never chosen for a YW calling. Maybe it's because I wasnt a snobby bitch like everybody else. Maybe it's because I had a habit of gathering the misfits under my wing and punching anyone who made them feel bad about themselves. The girls in my ward were horrible. They made some girls feel so bad about themselves that their parents moved. They chased at least ten girls and their families out of the neighborhood within two years.

I never wanted to be them, but I did try to be TBM. I tried so hard that it hurt. I tried so hard that the first time my boyfriend and I had sex all I could do after was cry from the guilt.

This is why I need RfM. I was more deeply effected than I'd like to admit. I'm not a fleeting jumpy person. I am the unmoveable rock that stands against the storm. It takes an earthquake to make me move....

Yes...I do believe that the church being an unfortunate part of my life, especially after my father's accident, had a major hurtful effect on me..

P.S. sorry I'm a bit down. This week has not been fun. I also forgot to add that you get 200 points for reading this one.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/10/2012 09:32AM by fidget.

I don't know why I needed something like exmo--even after healing a lot, I still come here. I do have a TBM daughter--so there are always issues.

BUT as for being called to YW. I posted on another thread that I was sports director when I was about 20 and I loved it, so I wanted to be in YW (even though my time in mutual wasn't that great). My neighbor got called to YW president and I WANTED SO BAD to be in--and my husband told her I wanted to be called and she called me. Inspiration? Sure.

Funny thing is, after I went inactive, they called me to YW twice. I was a single mother working 2 jobs. I turned them down both times.

We aren't all effected the same as each other. My ex actually will read now and then and we discuss it, but even my exmo therapist who directed me to this site doesn't read here.

Part of it is a guy thing.

Another part of it is that some people need to process in groups, others don't.

You may feel like you need to process in a group more than he does because you tried to fit the mold more than he did and in doing so you injured yourself without realizing it at the time. He may not feel as injured as you do.

Thanks you two. I know everyon has a different way of healing and I've been trying to explain mine to him.

Sorry I'm a bit down. This week has sucked.

I was never called into YW either. Perhaps it was my sinful second pair of earrings. I always wondered what was wrong with me, because I was good enough for everything else, but not that. Is there a note in my file saying "not suitable for YW"?

Everyone needs a safe place to figure things out. It probably depends on how deep the hurt goes. Some didn't really believe, didn't invest, and can walk away clean. Some invested more than they had to give, and then some are in between. It's great that RfM is here for us all.

Like the OP said, ever'buddy's different! I fer one- and not the only one- am glad you are here!

I used to come here to eat the trolls but Admin takes care of most all of those now 'fore I ever sees em, so now I just hang out cuz I likes the people. If we's talking belonging, I sure don't belong here, really... I ain't no mo, never was no mo, and ain't even a person, thank Dog (no offense)! But I'll hangout here until they tell me to beat it!

Aw thanks Stalk Dog :)

I have never been mormon, but I read this site regularly. I don't really understand why -- perhaps it is because I am in a professional environment that resembles the church in its cultish ways. It seems like a community of people trying to move beyond incredibly powerful conditioning, and it helps me.

First off, Fidget, you are my hero for sticking up for the underdogs so fiercely! 1000 points for you!
My DH was born into this stupid cult and left first. As I was looking into this, I didn't get why he needed to "recover". It's just a church, right? I changed religions when I joined TSCC. What's the big deal?
But as I traveled this new road, I realized just how much we had invested. I DID get the YW callings (funny, I wanted the RS callings, but never got them) and gave years of my life and a whole lot of $$$ to girls camp, activities and Sunday lessons. Then to realize that I was lied to and betrayed by the organization I was counting on for my eternal salvation? It's a huge, painful kick in the gut.
This is a great community for people trying to figure out life from a totally different construct. And it's free! Tell your DH that you'll be fine without RFM - he'll just have to pay for counseling/cult-deprogramming :)
Not sure how much I need the recovery part at this point. I come here for a laugh more often than not. Amazed at the brilliance, wit and wisdom I find in this place.
Hang in there. Have a nice glass of wine, hot bubble bath, and a little Jane Austen (or author of your choice). You are a strong, brave and caring woman. You'll get through this moment...

Thank you birthgoddess. There are definitely some amazing witty people here!

I'm still here even tho we left the church 4yrs ago because i like the humour and wisdom found here. I invested soo much into the church, that making fun of it and laughing at it is my compensation.

And if i can helpsomeone else while here, that's always good too.

It's my way of doing something positive with all that brainwashing.

My exmo husband teases me about rfm too. I think he means it good naturedly... but it doesnt change the fact that he doesnt get it and wasnt as shattered as I was by the truth of the church and the social implications of leaving.

I guess that makes me feel good that he doesnt have to go through it like I am, but it just reinforces the need for a place like rfm. And my suffering at the hands of the church is honestly so small compared to others here. I am in a happy marriage, I am healthy, employed, I am no longer worried that I am going to go to hell, my parents have more or less accepted my decision... but still... I need rfm sometimes. A place to go to vent, read, talk, laugh and hear about other friends on their journey through the dark night of the soul. Because my husband doesn't need rfm and I do makes it that much more valuable to me. He doesnt feel how I feel and so sometimes I need to talk to people like you, Fidget, that get it. It is as simple as that.

My former husband and I were both exmos but I started reading this forum and participating, while he didn't. He also hated me lurking on the board (I didn't participate much in the beginning because I was scared of the perceived anger on the board). Eventually, his incessant harassment beat me down coupled with the anger-on-the-board issue, so I stopped posting and lurking for a few years. I was unlike you, fidget; I wasn't strong.

You have an awesome cyber community that supports you in many ways and you've been an awesome support to so many as well. Keep it up.

Nonetheless, it's important to talk for a lot of people. Some people need to talk. I do. I still am embarrassed and I still need to talk about this stuff.

No one ever fully understands anyone different from themselves, but it doesn't make them inferior or wrong. You're doing what you need to do, and I know he digs that.

Don't forget about the ass shots!

I myself was a long-time TBM, and I so appreciate being able to come to this board and vent----but especially knowing I have caring friends here who can "relate", for openers.
I'm the only one who left in my family. Both of my brothers hold high positons in TSCC (still)---one is a Stk. Pres., and the other is a Bishop. But, so many odd/strange, and yes-----MEAN things happened to me (and my kids) when I was going it alone as a single mother many yrs. ago.
We lived in a sm. town in so. Utah-----and can you believe that one Sun. (after church) my son told me that some of the kids in his class were calling him a "Welfare Brat"----bec. we were on state aid. Well, we were on state aid bec. their father (who was a supposedly "member in good standing" of TSCC)----never paid one penny child support for his/our kids.
Also, my own TBM family never helped us out financially either, tho' they certainly could have, but chose not to for whatever reasons (?).
Anyway, this is only a sm. part of the story of why I left the Mormon (Crock of Sh-t) Religion/Cult many yrs. ago. But, bec. of this, I totally hear you and understand where you are coming from, Big Time.
I wish the best for you---------and I hope you're feeling better by now. Know that everyone here feels your pain bec. we've all been there/done that-------in one way or another.
Take care. . . . and glad to know you're part of this board too : )

. . .that son of mine that those mean kids were calling a "Welfare Brat"-------is now an Aerospace Engineer. He went on to get his Master's Degree in this field ----and is a very succesful, productive member of society. And. . . I'm SO very proud of him, of course : ) Wish those MEAN kids could see him now!

The mean kids are probably closet drunks and masterbators.

twojedis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The mean kids are probably closet drunks and
> masterbators.
===================================================
They probably are still bullies, picking on their employees or co-workers, being mean to their spouses and kids... and they STILL think they are holier and better than anyone else.

Don't feel bad. My husband doesn't get it either. We are completely surrounded by TBMs where we live so it is nice to talk with like-minded people on RfM.

Thank all of you for the kind words. I just got back from a 5k and I am amazed yet Again at the outpouring of love And care. We've had two major water leaks in our house in the last week And are currently out of water until Monday, so it's been a bit stressful and tense. My wall smells like mold, which is super awesome.... Thanks again everyone. I really really appreciate it.

Sudden "aha" moment: We all thank YOU, Fidget. Look at the thread you started, and how many of us got to vent a little.
Ah, community....

My BF is the same way, Fidget. While he was raised in Provo, he didn't experience the level of insanity that most Utah Mos experience, while I grew up in a hippie mountain town under oppressive and abusive circumstances. He and I grew up in parallel worlds with absolutely opposite experiences.

I try to be understanding of his position. He was raised in a healthy home environment, with a loving, functional family, so he can't completely fathom how damaging the cult is- He knows it on an intellectual level, but emotional? Not so much.

Your experiences and view on the world have nearly everything to do with the environment you grew up in- You don't have to be too slack on him, but don't be too hard either.