Hi, I'm almost 20 and have been exmo for a couple years now. I've just recently moved back in with my parents due to financial stuff and I have no option to leave for quite a while(I'm working on that). Ever since I've been home I've been bugged and bugged again and again to go to activites and church. I've tried to refuse but I am so non confrontational and hate conflict that I just give in and go.

They say things like:

Just try it again!
Its a family activity and you are part of the family
We aren't asking you to convert, just go
People are't judging you, you can be yourself
People want to see you, and its genuine, not fake!
etc

I'd really appreciate any advice or personal stories on how I can be able to refuse to go, cuz I hate going and its making me miserable. Help!

and it's making you miserable?

And that you are old enough to choose if/when/where to go to church.

The sooner you learn to politely say no, the happier your life will be. Many mormons never learn this skill and their lives are run by others from birth to death.

The hard part is learning that you can't control how others feel but with a little effort you can control your boundaries. Living with your parents means those boundaries must be smaller. For example you might have to sit through food blessings, but you don't have to attend hours of boring and annoying meetings every week.

How about coming up with a plan you can live with like possibly attending only meetings where someone in your family is speaking. Perhaps you could bow your head duing family prayers but leave the room during home teaching and scripture reading.

Practice saying no and it will get easier over time like any skill.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2012 08:57AM by Cheryl.

Ask your parents if they believe in the LDS Church and its teachings.

Their answer will surely be YES.

Ask them if they believe that Joseph Smith was a Prophet who God used to restore the One True Church.

Their answer will be YES.

Then tell them this:

One of the first things we are taught as children are the Articles of Faith — 13 statements that summarize the fundamental beliefs of the LDS Church.

Two years before he died, the Prophet Joseph Smith wrote them in a letter to a newspaper editor, John Wentworth, who had asked for information about the Church.

The 11th Article of Faith is this:
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

Notice that there is not an exception for family members. You are failing to honor Joseph Smith if you refuse to obey the 11th Article of Faith in the case of my desire to "worship how, where, or what I may."

Hand your parents the above information on a printed page. Suggest that they put it on their bulletin board or tape it to the front of the refrigerator. And further suggest that every time they feel like pressuring you to attend church they should refresh their memory by again reading the 11th Article of Faith.

I know it sounds crazily simple, but it really works--at least as far as not going to church. It may not stop the pestering, but a little bit of confidence goes a long way. They only do it because they think you'll cave. :)

Here's what I would recommend:

For all of these people inviting you simply require equal time - for every hour you spend "trying it again" or "attending" they spend one hour looking at why you believe what you believe.

There are many ways you could present this in a non-aggressive manner.

I'd imagine they will start leaving you alone PDQ.

If anyone takes up on it here's a good place to start:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ac_fLUHiBw

"Mom and dad, I know you mean well but the last thing I need right now is to go somewhere I find is harmful to my spirit. I need your encouragement but I walk away from church feeling bad not good. It isn't the place for me."

What do you do nowadays for your spiritual welfare?

Whatever it is, why not demand equal time for that?

Say to them, "OK, since I'm family, I'll go to SM. But for every hour of time I spend with you at SM, you'll need to spend an hour of your time with me, going to _____."

I'll bet they'll stop asking pretty quick.

Just tell them you're an introvert and crowds make you crazy.

Other than that, a firm NO should suffice. No other explanations are necessary.

"No thanks."

"I said 'no thanks.'"

"Thank you, but no."

kolobian is right - repetition is the only thing that works when people won't listen. You don't have to be confrontational. In fact, it's more effective if you stay calm and polite and happy. Just pick one or two ways to say no thanks and repeat them over and over, until they get the message. They want to draw you out so they can debunk your arguments - you even mentioned some of their comments which are meant to dismiss your feelings and support their position. So don't let them draw you out into long arguments about going - just pick a few ways to say no and stick to them, no matter what they say.

Thanks, CA girl.

Staying calm, polite, and happy is the most important part. You have to convey to them how unimportant their invitation is to you. You should be able to say "no thanks" to an invitation to church as easily as saying "no thanks" to a 2nd serving of mashed potatoes.

If you show negative emotion or try to justify why you don't want to go, they'll continue to feel justified in asking. You have to marginalize their invitation and the best way to do that is to just stick with "no thanks."

Eventually they'll stop asking. But they'll never stop thinking about why it's so easy for you to say no, or why you don't seem miserable like they're told you should...

POlitely tell them how you feel about the church activities, etc. and then tell them, that out of respect for them and appreciation to them for letting you live there for a while you will attend one activity a month -- of their choosing.

You say things like:

Just try it once at the coffeehouse Sunday morning !
Its my activity and you are part of my family
I'm not asking you to resign, just go to the coffeehouse today
People won't judge you, you can be yourself
I want to see People, and its genuine, not fake!
etc