Posted by:
The Oncoming Storm - bc
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Date: January 05, 2013 12:10AM
As some of you know Spaghetti Oh is a nevermo - twoJeidis and I were chatting with her on facebook about Nephi and the brass plates so I wrote up this rendition for her.
It was enough work and I'm narcissistic enough to repost it here. So here you go:
And it came to pass Lehi is a prophet in Jerusalem at the time of Jeremiah (never mind that Jeremiah says that there are no prophets.) (Also nevermind that these are the small plates of Nephi which are supposed to be about spiritual things only and not about a history - but the book conveniently starts out with a story to introduce the characters and create dramatic tension.)
Well Lehi starts to piss people of and they start throwing rocks at him and stuff.
And it came to pass Lehi has a revelation that he needs to leave Jerusalem and that he will be led to a promised land.
And it came to pass they skedaddle out of town and head 250 miles into the desert leaving behind their riches.
Laman & Lemuel are showing signs of being rebelious already. Lehi tells them that they need to go back to Jerusalem and get the brass plates from Laban - a relative of some sort of Lehi. Laman and Lemuel whine but Nephi brown noses and says he knows the Lord will provide a way.
The brass plates are the Bible - the Old Testament. It includes everything in the Old Testament and more. This includes writing by Isaiah that didn't happen until after they left. It also inlcudes writing by Jeremiah that were comptemporary. These brass plates are amazing because they are the only complilation of the Old Testament in existence at that time. Also brass doesn't exist yet and metal working to keep records is essentially unheard of.
Somehow this huge creep Laban has the greatest treause in the ancient world. He's a big shot - he is in charge of 50 men.
And it came to pass they go back and cast lots and Laman gets the short stick. He has to go talk to Laban first. So Laman goes in and says - my dad wants you to give us the brass plates, so, um can we have them please? Laban goes ape shit crazy and says that Laman is a robber and attempts to murder him. Because you know captains of 50 soliders do that sort of thing if you ask them for something.
Laman runs away and says - we failed let's go home. But Nephi says - no I have an idea. See Laban is a murderer and went all crazy on you for no reason. So I have this really bright idea. Let's go get all the riches we left behind and no one has stolen despite us dissapearing months ago. Then we'll carry them straight in to Laban. We won't be smart enough to hide the riches somewhere and bargain with Laban. No we'll just take them right in with us because Laban is trustworthy - it's not like he just tried to murder one of us or anything.
And it came to pass that, shocker ,evil Laban steals their treasure and tries to kill them again, but his 50 soliders are incompetent and the 4 brothers easily get away - but they have to leave all the treasure behind.
And it came to pass now Laban & Lemuel are really pissed at Nephi & Sam. So they start beating the shit out of them with a Rod. An angel shows up and tells them to stop doing that and goes away. The angel doesn't bother to give them any ideas of how to get the brass plates.
And it came to pass even though an angel came Laman & Lemuel say it is hopeless. But Nephi just randomly wanders into town not knowing what to do but having faith something will work out.
And it came to pass Nephi is wandering around town and happens across Laban all by himself passed out drunk on the street. Laban is also in his full awesome suit of amazingness, drunk, in the middle of the night, alone.
Nephi hears a voice in his head that he should kill Laban. He doesn't want to do it but the voice continues to talk to him. Because that's how God works you see - he makes teenagers murder people based on voices in their head.
And it came to pass the voice in the head explains that Laban was a huge jerk to try to steal their stuff and kill them so that justifies murder. Besides they just have to have the brass plates otherwise their whole nation won't know god. And there is no other way to get the plates other than to murder Laban - because you know that's just how God works.
And it came to pass Nephi decides to do it. He grabs Labans sword - because you know drunk guys always have their sword with them when carousing. This sword is the 2nd greatest treaure in the ancient world it's all fancy and has more not existent ore. Plus the Nephite generals use this sword for 1,000 years and Joseph Smith ends up with it from angel Moroni.
Now how does Nephi kill Laban? By decapitating him of course. Slitting his throat or something like that won't do. We don't know quite how he got the leverage and angle to cut his head all the way off while Laban was laying there on the ground, but Nephi slices his head clean off. (And it came to pass that after Nephi sliced his head off that Laban stood up and gasped for breath - just kidding that's silly no one could stand up and gasp for breath after being decapitated - that's just a bunch of Shiz.)
However, Nephi manages to do this without getting Laban's clothes all bloody. In fact he now takes Laban's clothes off Laban's decapitated body and puts them on.
Next Nephi wanders over to wherever Laban lives. He then runs into Laban's servernt Zoram. Nephi is so amazing he completely fools Zoram into thinking he is Laban. This Zoram happens to have the keys to the greatest treasure in the ancient world so clearly Laban must trust him completely. Despite this Zoram can't tell that Nephi is faking being Laban. So they go and get the brass plates together.
These brass plates would need to weigh something like 600 pounds to hold the entire old testament plus all the lost Z prophets later mentioned in the Book of Mormon like Zenoch & such.
No worries, Zoram just carries them. They chat like old friends. Zoram continues on completely fooled by Nephi to the edge of the city.
But now more drama unfolds. Laban, Lemuel and Sam see Zoram and Nephi and freak out. I mean they are coming at them at lightning speed with those 500 pound plates.
The brothers freak out and Nephi blows his cover. But now Zoram freaks out. But Nephi is really strong and big even though he is young and takes Zoram down - besides Zoram is worn out from carrying those plates - and he's probably a wimp since he just carried those plates effortlessly.
Then Nephi says - hey Zoram why don't you just run away with us and come live in the desert and look guilty of theft and murder? And Zorams like, yeah that's cool lets go. So then Zoram & Nephi are best buddies from then on.
So they take the plates back to Sarai & Lehi. Sarai has been really pissed at Lehi because she figures he got their sons killed. Needless to say Lehi hasn't been getting any in the tent for several weeks.
Then Lehi looks at the plates and Sarai forgives all. Then Lehi builds an alter and offers sacrifices. Of course the penalty is death for doing this if you don't belong to the tribe of Levi. But hey they are in the wilderness and it would be so much cooler if he was from the tribe of Jospeh - same as Joseph Smith you see. So he's from the tribe of Joseph but still does the sacrifices - no biggie.
The end.
Oh wait. But they forgot to bring along any women. So they head back to convince some cousins with hot daughters to come back with them so they can propogate the species. No complaints from Laman & Lemuel this time. They do another 500 mile round trip and grab the trophy wives.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/05/2013 12:47AM by bc.