I left the church when I was about 8. My brother had already left and that gave me the strength I needed. What it came down to is the priesthood. I had spent every day of the month prior to my 8th birthday practicing the sacrament prayer and handing out bread to my stuffed animals. On baptism day, I mentioned that I couldn't wait to do the sacrament. Of course, my dreams were shattered by, "You can't.You're a girl."

I was devastated and started asking a lot of questions. My parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be! I got the "have faith" and "pray about it" answers which didn't satisfy me at all. I soon stopped going and when I was about 17, I had my name removed entirely (using this site!)

I moved out of Utah and rarely think about religion. My friends come from a variety of backgrounds and beliefs and we get along great. The LDS church was back in my face with Prop 8, as I live in California. I was, and continue to be, livid.

My father remains mormon,I think. He doesn't go to church and eschews several of the beliefs but calls himself mormon. He recently told me the church isn't sexist. This started a huge battle. I try not to talk to him about religion as he is unreasonable on these topics. He says the history of polygamy was just a short part of the LDS church but has nothing to do with the beliefs. He basically says because the church now allows black priesthood holders, the racism of the past doesn't matter. And that ERA stuff? Well, he seems pretty A-ok with being against the ERA.

I know most of you have fought with family and parents. I had the joy of avoiding that confrontation for decades. Now, I don't know how to handle it. I'm literally shaking. I have to leave for school and I can't do the reading for class. I am so angry! How can my own father believe in a religion that says his daughter is going to hell for living in sin, for having a career, for not having children nor wanting them? How can he be ok with that? How is heaven heaven without your children there? The man lives in denial. My mom did not believe the LDS church when she died. Her bathroom is still decorated with art from the metaphysical religion she followed. But he'll swear up and down she was mormon (she never went to church after I left except during bipolar high spells).

So, if any of you have advice on how to handle this, or even just supportive words, that would be great. I could use some friends that understand right now.

My parents are very similiar. For them, listening to me and even considering my view point would be an admission that virtually all of the decisions they made in their lives and continue to make to this day are/were foolish mistakes. Even though it's obvious that they should have known better than to join a silly religion and shape their identities around it, they just aren't willing to take the scary first step and consider all of the mistakes they've made. I understand, to a certain degree, why they won't do this. I mean, my Mom instantly breaks down crying any time I even broach the subject of their religion. I know that she cries because as time continues to pass she knows more and more how much of a fraud her life was/is. For most of his life, my dad played the tough-guy routine and made bold statements about the church daring anyone to disagree. Now that we're all adults, it's obvious that he's just a lost little boy that had a tough childhood and the feelings of power that he got from church/priesthood/etc. helped him hide his fear. It also kept him a scared and angry little boy his whole life. I think he now knows that the church is silly but he goes to keep my Mom happy. My advice is don't spend much of your life trying to convince your dad that the church is silly. If he shuts you down right away, you're wasting your time. If he's willing to listen a little, then slowly bring up important topics over time. Don't spend a lot of your time doing it though, life is too precious to spend it arguing about a silly church.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/10/2013 04:10PM by Albinolamanite.

Don't let you Dad's problem be your problems. Your convictions, beliefs, moral and ethical standards are yours. They are the things that give your life direction and allows you to be the loving, caring and compassionate human being you are.
My Mother is somewhat like your Dad, she lives in denial. She takes stands on matters on one day and when confronted with facts that contradict her stand, she first argues and then breaks down and crys, accusing you of attacking her.
With your Dad just agree to disagree, at least in your mind. Change the subject, talk about things you can discuss rationally and intelligently.
If it turns to church matters, tell him you'll discuss it but will not fight about it.
When he upsets you, he feels he's won. Don't be the victim, let him find someone else that will listen to his views.

Some day, he'll finally realize that his daughter is a strong, intelligent, brave and loving person.

I have just done what you are contemplating. Like you, I moved away to California and rarely thought about the TSCC ever for many decades.

My family is ultra TBM all the way. I have been frustrated for decades that there could be no discussion regarding the church. I was never shunned, I was assured I was loved, but they never knew me. I am often not sure why I have maintained the relationship but I have.

I have a brother who is very high up in the church and he just crossed a line. I can do the 'agree to disagree' thing or the 'live and let live' thing with the best of them. But if someone crosses a line, it is open season. Just like your Dad has crossed lines and given you every reason to open up.

I wrote a letter and emailed it. It was meant once and for all to have someone in my family, especially him, know exactly what I think about the church, about Prop 8 and the church's political agenda of bigotry. I took a long time to write it and made it a point to make it informative rather than abrasive. How it was received is another matter though. I haven't heard a word back yet and probably won't.

What I would share with you is this. I do not expect it to have done any good. I do not think he will stop to examine another side other than the TSCC's side. It gave me no pleasure but it gave me deep satisfaction in myself.

I had a deep need to express myself, deeply and eloquently and cutting to the bone just one time. That was the beauty of the letter. I could take the time to be sure it was exactly what I wanted to say--to be on the record forever. I want just one honest relationship with someone in my family even if it causes animosity. I was willing to risk anything finally because I could not take one more moment of lukewarm 'nice-nice'.

Do what will make you feel good about yourself. Do it for you. Do not expect anything in return. Do not even expect to feel better. Do expect to feel like a relevant, stand up for yourself and others kind of person.

Good luck.

Thank you, everyone. I've kept this tab open for the last several days reading your replies when I got stressed.

blueorchid, your post was a great help. Everyone's was, but since our experiences are so similar it really hit home.

I am more at peace in ways having told my dad why I hate his religious beliefs. He believes in a religion that calls me and my friends sinners. He believes in a religion that believes women are subservient to men. It's out there and now we are back to exchanging photos of our cats doing stupid things.

Thank you all.