I come from a very TBM family and out of my entire extended family (of about 40 people on my dad's side and 45 on my mom's side) I am 1 of 5 who have left the church.

Strangely enough I still love being around my family. At first it was a little awkward but we all learned to deal with our differences.

But occasionally I get criticized with the "I just wish you could have fullness of joy like us" thing and it really annoys me. In my family we have lots of members with severe depression and self esteem issues (which we all try really hard to ignore). Its a struggle for most of us to feel good about ourselves, but they like to pretend that I am the only one with a problem.

Last night I got in a fight with my mom, and it all started when I was telling her about this documentary I saw about the cruelty of factory farming (I brought this subject up because I knew that she would find it interesting. As a teenager she worked on a chicken "farm" and has seen first hand what's involved. I was not trying to antagonize her with this subject). Anyway, she made this comment about my character that got me seeing red.

She asked why I was intentionally finding ways to make myself unhappy, insinuating that it was the wrong thing to do. She was telling me there was nothing I could do about injustice, it would always be there, and that I should just let it go and be happy. She then said that she would never want to be like me, and that I let all the wrong things get me worked up.

I then asked how is it possible to live with any semblance of integrity, knowing there is devastation being visited on our fellow men, and not feel unhappy about it. If we ignore it, it doesn't go away, and it may just get worse.

She said, "when you live by your principles, then no matter what is happening around you, you can experience joy and happiness"

Well what the heck does that mean?

I had a sneaking suspicion she was talking about the church when she said "principles"

So I asked, "Is personal happiness the most important thing? What about consideration for others? What if you have the wrong principles? What if your principles need some alteration?"


"Well yes, you need to have good principles...Which I have and when I live by them, I know that I don't have to let anything make me unhappy or discouraged."

"OK then, what are these principles?"

"What?"

"What principles do you have that make you feel happy even when visited with news of injustice and heartache?"

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. and to love thy neighbor as thyself."

*crickets*

"Alright then when you love God, you love his children (As you have done unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me) therefore, if we know suffering exists among men, and we do what we can to keep it from bothering us, than according to this scripture, it sound like we are turning our backs on God."

It was at this point she yelled, "OK Mitzy, what do you want me to say?!"

I then began to discuss the churches lack of humanitarian aid (as a percentage of total earnings). I talked about the churches stance on woman, minorities, and gays. I asked her to think about the ways the church as an organization treats the least among us.

I then told her that anyone who follows where the church leads, does not do so because he loves God, and he certainly does not do so because he loves his neighbor. (this may have been out of line, but its the truth).

I then went on to say it is evil to put personal happiness before our responsibility to protect and love those who are disadvantaged. Those who stay in the church stay because they want to protect their happiness and peace of mind.

Obviously my mom did not take that kindly, and I left crying. Maybe I am a bad person, but I do not get the appeal of her point of view. I don't know, what do you think?

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."

It doesn't always bring happiness to Mormons who do follow the principles. My mom was hung up on prescription pills because the principles never let her accept herself as an imperfect person with an imperfect family.

"and to love thy neighbor as thyself."

No they don't. Not always.

Love is conditional in TSCC. Does this bring happiness?

Way to go,Mitzy! Even if you left crying, you left being true to yourself.

You were honest, sincere and reasonable in your discussion with your mom. Your arguments were right on. Plus,you didn't pick the fight; she did.

If we are going to have real (as opposed to fake) relationships with our families, they need to be based on truth, respect and tolerance for different views. You weren't trying to push her; she was trying to push you. You just didn't cave in.

Next time you see her, hopefully she will have reconsidered her error and treat you with more respect.

The people with true compassion for others are often not blissfully happy. If one pulls one's head out of church for five minutes it's hard not to be heartbroken about the injustice and suffering in the world.

That said--and I'm not trying to say my plan is right or working in any way--I'm trying to not spend my life tied up in knots about the state of the world. When I try to be a perfect eater (vegan, organic, NO evil wheat), I become miserable. When I follow the craziness of the teapartiers, when I read about all the awful in the world, when I let whatever meager activism for gay-rights, pro-choice, anti-violence feminism turn into 24 hour fretting--I realise (slowly) that living a little more like my dog is probably a better way.

I wish your mom could live a little more like my dog too. Her name is Dozer and she never worries about being a dog. She's mostly blind. She loves food and her doggie and human friends. She just goes about doing her doggie thing--happily. It's so sad to think that all those Mormons are all guilted up about things that hurt NO ONE. Coffee? Masturba****? Not paying a full tithe? When it comes to real injustice and suffering they run to hide behind God and heaven.

Thanks for sharing this. My mom is gone 15 years now, but I can hear the two of us having the same words.

There's more to happiness than planting a smile on your face and faking it.

Indeed. Her happiness sounds like "bliss." If you know what I mean.

You said very, very smart things.

I think that you handled yourself well. Your mom reminds me of the kind of people who used to go around and nag others to "Smile!" all the time. (I mean, really. It used to be that you would be walking down the street, minding your own business, and some obnoxious stranger would look at you and demand that you smile. What are we supposed to be, perpetually grinning fools?)

I think that life is best lived in a balanced manner, and a concern for others can be a part of that balance. You raised an interesting topic with your mom. She could have chosen to have had a good discussion with you about it. Instead, she used it as a springboard to unleash some issues that she has with you.

If I had relatives who said, "I wish you could have the fullness of joy like us," I would respond, I used to have that and then I found something better.

I really liked your stance. Your mom is just a repeater; spouting the crap that she has picked up at TSCC.

Like a mynah bird, singing all the bullshit phrases learned at The Morg....