I tend to be more introverted and people I let get close to me, enough that my life is deeply effected by them, are rare. Thankfully, most of those people I'm close to, instead of just friends with, seem worth keeping around. But once in a while, one or two slip through the radar and become a part of my life and then I discover their presence is having negative results in my world and they probably need to be sent on their way. For some reason, I have the hardest time doing that. Usually these people are someone I've been through something dramatic with and still feel mentally and emotionally involved with. I can physically walk away from working or worshiping or socializing with them but it seems like I still waste too much time thinking about them, trying to figure them out, trying to resolve unfinished business.

I know a lot of you have had to cut ties with negative people in your exit process from Mormonism and I was wondering if you could give me any advice. How do you get them out of your head and out of your thoughts? I can see I'm spending too much time analyzing and it's not a positive. Too much time letting my thoughts spin in space. I know this but I still do it. How do you get people like this out of your mind as well as your world?

It starts with the simple word "no". If they ask if you want to hang out or want you to come to an event, say "no". If they call you on the phone, say "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now." If you're strong enough, you may even be able to say "I'm sorry, but I think we need a break."

How to keep them from your thoughts is a matter of redirection. If you notice them in your thoughts, purposely move your thoughts to something else. Repeat a mantra, a song. Think of one of the friends that you do want to be around.

Conscientious, sensitive, empathetic,--sounds like you have my syndrome. My therapist suggested I go to Al-anon. I was like, “The only person I know who drinks at all is my alcoholic brother and we rarely talk.” It’s about dealing with people and boundaries. Just because they are out of your life doesn’t mean they are out of your head. There is a lot of good stuff there. There is also some religious B.S. which is why I don’t attend now. It’s worth a check-out.

I had this problem too. Part of it for me was checking (constantly) to see or maybe even to remember it really did happen, as those who did the offending were still accepted as wonderful church members and not 'punished' at all. It took awhile for me to realize that that wasn't going to change.

I think i had to forgive myself for letting my guard down to the wrong person- or not realizing they weren't my friend but just an associate. When i find myself thinking of this person I just tell myself 'it's ok' meaning it happened and i survived and i really am ok. This brings on a feeling of peace and i can let the whole thot go. I also remind myself that i'm not 'over sensitive' or whatever they might think because i dropped them as a friend. I do feel upset that this person still has all her friends and can go around in mormon circles no problem and i spent years just staying out of most people's way ( in case she told the story to everyone else).

But when all's said and done i remind myself that i am out of the whole mess now and she is still in the church. Makes me the winner, hands down :P

I find I have difficulty with going over mock conversations with such a person in my head. I think it is an attempt to discover just the right thing to say to make them become who I want them to be. I also think it has something to do with trying to overcome the feelign of being out of control where that person is concerned, and the rehearsing is an attempt to regain control. I difficulty I have with difficult people is that I want to be able to accept people at face value and the difficult people for me are duplicitous. They can't be trusted to mean what they say which requires being on my guard when they are around. When I find someone annoying is taking up too much space in my head, I tell myself no - sometimes firmly - and attempt to purposely think of something else. Sometimes, it takes a good deal of effort and can require doing the exercise repeatedly. Practice makes it easier and more effective. When I was having a particularly difficult time with one person who was particularly nasty, I had other mental tricks like imagining their mouth taped shut so they couldn't speak, or blowing them away with a big buff of air. It sounds silly but a therapist I had at the time said he thought it sounded as good as anything he had to suggest.

heh heh, I like the idea of seeing this person with their fake sympathy duct- taped shut. Thanks :) Kind of works on the 'i want revenge' department to, without actually doing anything real to take revenge.

oops, posted in wrong place :P



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 10:08AM by karin.

Puli, I thought what you said about control was a very good insight and it never would have occurred to me because I'm not controlling about other people. It doesn't interest me at all. But I do like my own life neat and tidy and under control. And these people have sort of come into my emotional house, made a mess, then left without cleaning it up. I guess part of me wants them to get their butts back here and clean up the mess they left and that's unrealistic.

I do the same thing with the mock conversations going on in my head and that's the hardest thing to overcome. I tend to assume people are nice, until proven otherwise which is probably the exact opposite of what I should be doing. At least DH is a very good judge of people - he can size people up immediately so I have learned to go to him and ask his opinion, before I commit to being friends with someone. Because I'd just go around giving people the benefit of the doubt when they don't deserve it all day long.

I can relate to how you feel. I was never introverted, but I kind of wear my heart right out there on my sleeve. I have been too trusting, too accepting, too soft hearted, etc. I have been hurt more times than I can count because I believe and trust people who turn around and screw me. I have had to learn the hard way how to deal with people and how to cut ties with those I need to.

As Dorothy mentioned, you have to learn to set boundaries first. This is hard if you are a little introverted because it requires some intestinal fortitude but you can do it. As you do it once, the next time gets a little easier and each time it gets easier, at least it did for me. This is hard for me because even though I have been hurt in so many ways by different people, my old heart is still right out there on my sleeve.

I guess for me I just got tired of getting hurt all the time and I finally said that's it, I'm done. I still wear my heart on my sleeve and I am still very accepting and trusting, but the difference is that I can recognize much earlier in a relationship when a person doesn't have my personal interests at heart and I put on the brakes much sooner than I used to.

I don't want to change who I am because I like who I am. I like that I am open minded and don't judge anybody regardless of who they are or what they look like. I refuse to judge anyone and I accept everyone for who they are. I have many very precious friendships that I would never have had if I had been judgemental or distant because of the way a person looked or how they appeared to behave. I have learned that many people put on an obnoxious front to cover up what they percieve as their own weaknesses or inabilities. Get past that front that they put on and many times you find a priceless diamond underneath that most people never find because they immediately turn away from that front these people wear to protect themselves.

There are plenty of people out there in this crazy world who care for no one but their selves and those are the ones I have learned to spot and eliminate from my life before they can hurt me.

In your case though, I feel like you keep your feelings very close in check and don't allow anyone inside your defences for a long time. The ones who get inside those defences and who are not the type of people you want to surround yourself with are harder to spot because they too put on a front and they are very good at it. They wear their disguise so well that it almost seems to be who they turly are, but once past your defences their true colors begin to show and that is when you realize that you have made a mistake by letting them in. At this point they feel like they are your close friends and they begin to take liberties with your feelings and emotions that no true friend would ever do. When you begin to see this happening is when you have to learn to put up those boundaries immediately and that is a hard thing to do. You just have to be strong and realize that you are not putting up those boundaries to hurt them you are doing it to protect yourself. You have to learn to see that you are not doing anything to hurt anyone, you are only protecting yourself. Once you realize that it will be easier for you to set those boundaries when they need to be set and you will find much less heart ache in your life from people who don't truly care about you. Good luck!!!

Thanks Craig - I wish I could get better at spotting the people who don't have my best interest at heart so I could feel easier about letting my guard down a bit around the good people.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2013 12:28PM by CA girl.

I struggle with this big time too. Some people get too close for comfort. I find valid enough excuses, my husband, my kids or busybusy life rather than confront the real issue, which is that person. I believe them to be well-meaning. It's much easier to walk away and let it die on its own.

I wish I could say I really walked away but I don't. It's not really easy, it's an effort. I know. I spend too much time thinking about those kind of people too.

I remembered what i now do when thots just come flying into my head; it's a skill i've been practising for a little while and forgot about in my above post.

It's called mindfullness. There are books about it but it basically boils down to just being in the present moment. A simple way to remain in the present is to just focus on your breathing. Be really aware of your breath going in and going out. Do this for 5 or so minutes and you will find that other thots (now that they're not being entertained) haave left and your head will feel quiet.

Another way is to focus on your 5 senses- look for 1 thing you can smell, hear, see, touch (ie the feel of your fingers on your knee). Then do it again looking for 2 of each item. My counsellor suggested going up to 5. By that time your brain is focusing on the present moment and it's chatter has gone.

I find these practises, which you can do anywhere, help me to relax and clear out my chattering head.

good luck!

Thanks Karin - I actually learned about this in a seminar I attended for work years ago but had totally forgotten. I'm glad you reminded me to do it because as I recall, at the time I found it helpful.

Find other things to do. Pick up a new hobby, revive an old one, take a class, make yourself busy so you don't stew over it. It takes time, but eventually they will fade out of your thoughts.

One thing is that if you try too hard not to think about something, it has the opposite effect.

I think distraction is a good thing. If you are busy thinking about something else, you can't think about them.

Maybe we can take a cue from Boyd K Packer . . . when dark characters start to slip onto the stage of your mind . . . sing a hymn. Just kidding. But maybe you can make your own soundtrack of music (even if it's just in your mind) that makes you sing or dance.

If there is something that interests you, immerse yourself in it.

Do an activity that doesn't allow your mind to wander.

I guess what I'm talking about is some kind of thought-stopping process that you invent for yourself.

I think allowing yourself time to get over that person's negative influence takes time. There will come a time when you realize that you hardly think about them anymore.

Thanks everyone for the advice. It really helps to have people to ask this stuff and for different ideas. You guys are the best.

I tend to keep friends forever but betrayal of trust would be an instant deal breaker.
Once that happens it will NEVER happen again and I walk away without a backward glance.
When I'm done I'm really DONE.

Why would you keep a negative influence in your life or feel that you owe such persons any time?

If they keep trying to contact you after you stop interacting with them, they are either a stalker or a bunny boiler.
Which only proves your wisdom in dropping them in the first place.

People who at one time left raw, gaping wounds are great at staying in one's head for years.

Sometimes a conversation in the head is helpful at preparing you for a possible confrontation down the road. I echo the keeping busy whether it's with spring cleaning, (never too early to start) cooking, hobbies, reading a new book, etc... Do something to divert your attention and avoid the things ( at least for a bit) that remind you of the jerk.

If the person calls, nothing wrong with telling them once, "Do not call me again" and hanging up. Anything after that is harassment on his or her part.

Eventually the wounds close over and you might have a nasty red scar. Sometimes that scar itches like crazy, but eventually it fade and just becomes a part of your life like everything else. (Hug)

It really depends on the person and your relationship. Family? Friends? Neighbors? Co-workers? It's different depending on who it is. If you have to live next to someone or see them daily vs. a family reunion...it's a big difference.

So, first, I usually detach. I am polite, but I stop calling or initiating contact (invites, etc.)
I stop hanging out at the same gatherings (where possible) and always have an out. I let a call go to voicemail...I don't friend someone on fb or I put them on extreme filters.

I have broken up with friends over the years for various reasons. They are all good people and I wish them happiness. But we brought out the worst in each other.

I try to surround myself with people who respect my boundaries. Too many years of mormons (and crazy friends) crossing too many. People worth knowing, worty maintaining friendships will respect your boundaries. ?If you say, I can't go to that rest. bc of food allergies (or something), they'll try to work with you. If you ask them to call or email you before stopping over, they will. And it's up to you to let people know where you stand....too many years of mind-readers or trying to figure out what someone wanted from me. It can be messy, but it is so nice to not feel pressure or obligated to be around draining people.

For one former friend of mine, the last straw was when she was picking up guys at the liquor store and trying to bring them back to my home (she was visiting from out of town).