I want my daughters to have great self-esteem and a sense of adventure. Can anyone recommend any good books/websites etc for 9 years to adult for girls and women?

My LDS upbringing left me feeling self-conscious, meek and weak, and I want my girls to be empowered, happy and free.

I am anonymous because I don't want the Church knowing any real life info about me. It has helped to crush my confidence and brainwash me to believe that men are better than me. I hate the way I feel.

I am highly educated and could command a high salary, but instead I am a SAHM who feels worthless and is even afraid to drive a lot of the time. I don't want to set my daughters this example, and I am trying to turn my life around.

Anon for this Wrote:
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> I am anonymous because I don't want the Church
> knowing any real life info about me. It has helped
> to crush my confidence and brainwash me to believe
> that men are better than me. I hate the way I
> feel.
>
> I am highly educated and could command a high
> salary, but instead I am a SAHM who feels
> worthless and is even afraid to drive a lot of the
> time. I don't want to set my daughters this
> example, and I am trying to turn my life around.


I cannot tell you how much this post breaks my heart. I would suggest having your daughters join a club or sport that they enjoy -- away from TSCC. I gained so much from being on the speech/debate team, in theatre, and in the French language club. No one can take that away from me.

My thoughts are with you and your girls, and I am so sorry that the church has harmed you.

Thank you for caring about us, but please don't be sad. This is the start of something great for us. The girls are already more confident than I was at their age, and I am turning my life around.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I must not use my church upbringing as an excuse to hide in my comfort zone for the rest of my life. I find people like Steve Backshall inspiring (a naturalist / adventurer who the children like to watch on tv) because if he can go exploring uncharted caves and jungles, I can drive to the shops and back!

I have nieces who are still stuck in the church, and I do feel sorry for them. I found it strange when I first came upon RFM, to read intelligent opinionated posts from older women. At church, they did not often express opinions of their own (in my experience) and just sustained the suit-wearing men.

Every time we post something on this Board we are showing other women that they are allowed to use their brains to think for themselves.

It all starts with you. How would you feel about volunteer work in your community? That would get you out of the house, you' d be helping others and set a good example for your daughters. This is just a start, of course.

first step on your part, be bold, do be afraid of the church knowing who you are. you will find that when you study the history and know your facts, the church will be far more afraid of you than you are of them.

IMHO twojedis is an example to emulate

I have three daughters, and it is always on my mind to make sure that they feel empowered too. You might try encouraging them to read books with strong female characters, even fiction ones like The Hunger Games. I also make sure to tell my girls that they are smart, and discuss different career paths they might take, emphasizing that they can be anything they set their mind to, from a doctor, to an astronaut, or even a reverend in a church if that's what they want to do (I mention this because they saw in the mormon church that women could not be religious leaders). I met too many intelligent women in the church who didn't believe that they were intelligent, & so I make a point to tell each of my girls at least a couple times a week that they are smart when I see them accomplish something academically.

I also agree with sparkyguru, twojedis is a great example!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2013 10:07AM by happilynotmormon.

I'd say put them in Girl Scouts. I wanted the same things for my daughter and jumped at the chance when one of my friends started a troop at the Catholic church and invited DD to join. She went from so shy she couldn't even walk 10 steps away from me at the grocery store to grab something from a shelf for me, to someone who 6 years later is going of to hiking camp by herself for a week - no problem. She gained so much confidence selling cookies too. At first she wouldn't even ask her friends' parents and I had to do all the talking - this year she went with her brother and did all the selling.

She's earned badges in science and math, gone to camp and learned to boat on different water crafts, identify different plants, build a campfire, hike safely, taken first aid, visited museums and gone to off-Broadway plays. It's really been huge for her confidence, given her great exposure to possibilities and a nice group of non-LDS friends. That came in handy when she quit going to Mormon activities.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2013 10:18AM by CA girl.

Give them the complete set of Nancy Drew! I mean copies of volumes 1-57. There is a wholesome expression that even TBMs cannot object to. Nancy can do anything and excel. One justice on the Supreme Court was a Nancy Drew fan.

Tell your daughters about women with ambition and gumption. Tell them the stories of the Bible - of a woman who was the judge of Israel, of Judith who saved the Hebrew nation, of the prophetess Anna, of the women who were the first to see the risen Lord, etc. Tell them about women who have been governors and senators, lawyers and doctors and professors and judges, nurses and teachers, and "Mothers in Isreal" while also being heroines. Make sure they receive education and relish learning.

BTW, I have eight daughters and thirteen grandaughters. I read all fifty-seven volumes to one of our daughters. Heroic women in my family go back at least 400 years.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2013 11:05AM by rhgc.

Get them involved. Sports and other organizations are great for making girls feel empowered.
Agree with other poster - start discussing career paths and interests with them early so they start thinking about it for themselves and planning - helps create ambition.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Bet-Prince-Contemporary-Feminist/dp/0415902630/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1362672311&sr=8-1&keywords=don%27t+count+on+the+prince

I bought this book for all my nieces when they were young.

I had a mom with depression/anxiety. I really wish she had worked on those issues to be a better role model for me. Girls might idolize other people, but they live with you. You are their reference point for being an adult.

There is one simple concept that I try to teach all of my children regardless of gender that I think helps with esteem issues. In the untold millenia that our universe has and will exist there will only ever be one of them. They will see things in their life that no other being will ever witness, they will have thoughts that will be, however slightly, completely unique across the universe. In all the billions of worlds through billions of years they will see and perceive things that will never again exist exactly the way they saw them or perceived them. There is a value to the universe in the existence of each human life, no matter how brief or how it is lived that can not be measured. Their joys, triumphs, suffering and struggles are of immense value simply because of their rarity in the universe. That value exists regardless of other people or even gods.

Imagine the value a single rose would have for you if you lived on Mars. In a universal sense, we are all that rose.

I like that. It reminds me of this:

"The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that its center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.”
― Black Elk

I agree with CA Girl's recommendation for Girl Scouts. If you can afford GS summer camp for them, that is wonderful as well.

Nancy Drew and Anne Shirley (Anne of Green Gables) are strong, empowered young women. I think that your girls will love those books. Ask your librarian for further recommendations.

Help your daughter find her passion, whatever it may be, at whatever stage of life she's at. The 2nd best thing I did for my daughter (leaving the Mormon church was the 1st best thing!) was getting her on a horse. Riding has given her wonderful self-esteem and confidence and is a wonderful expression of her competitive nature.

I like the suggestion, too, about Girl Scouts.

You won't regret any time you spend helping your daughter find what she loves to do . . .

Once they start college, and become adults, it is hard to find the time to experiment with new interests or passions.

We can throw out ideas, but the best activity will be the one that sparks such a fire it's almost an obsession.

Okay, I'm cringing about that phrase, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

I think you have to develop your own confidence and learn to set boundaries with others, so your daughters can see this modeled. And then you discuss problems as they come up, so they can understand what is acceptable behavior and what is not. Develop your own skills and interests, and make self-care a priority (sleep, grooming, and time for things you love). Have your OWN adventures, and invite them along. Take charge of your own life and don't let people put you down or push you around. Hopefully they'll learn by extension that THEY will also deserve these things when they grow up.


PLENTY of stuff comes up with teenage girls to teach them about what is inappropriate. They will have other girls projecting what they think your daughter thinks or wants, people getting into their business with gossip and questions that are none of their business. And then there are boys, who will want to cross all sorts of physical boundaries. They will need someone to back them up and say "No, that was not okay, and this is why."

I used to be such a doormat. Things that helped me were 1)leaving the church
2) a husband who cheered me on every time I had a confrontation with someone (because if I had a confrontation, it always meant it was way overdue). If you could have a friend or someone to encourage you, it would help.
3) I read books about boundaries and emotional abuse that taught me tools of manipulation and control, and how to respond. Google Patricia Evans if interested. There are LOTS of books on boundaries, and I think anyone who has been a Mormon needs to learn about them, because we weren't trained to HAVE them. Finally, I have talked a LOT to someone with similar issues and upbringing, and we have come to an understanding of our hangups together. If your upbringing left you feeling "self-conscious, meek and weak", you have some personal work to do.

Finally, I want to say that my oldest daughters are stronger and more self-confident than I ever was at their age. And this, in spite of the fact that they grew up in Utah Valley, and have been looked down on far too much by others. Their strength certainly didn't come from the outside.

+1! My mother's example spoke far louder than all the stupid YW lessons and activities. Her encouragement to get an education and to NOT get married young were critical. She's a complete TBM, but has always buffered me from stupid questions from neighbors and ward-members about whether I had a boyfriend, or if I was going to get married. She's been raising a ruckus with know-it-all priesthood holders for as long as I can remember- and she pretty much always gets her way. She stood behind me 100% in my extremely unfeminine career choice and in deciding to join the Peace Corps.

We're having a rough time in our relationship right now due to my apostasy... but I still think she's the best. If she hadn't been raised a TBM I wonder what she might have accomplished...

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. We will start reading a Nancy Drew book tonight and my son and youngest daughter both say they would like to join the scouts.

l have applied for a job, but I deliberately chose one which pays much less than I could earn, because I don't feel I'm worth any more money. I realise that I need to get out living again and stop being scared of everything.

I am going to print off all your replies and use them to improve our lives.

I totally disagree with Nancy Drew -- it's been a long time since I've read them, but I would expect to find conventional gender roles throughout those books, despite Nancy being a go-getter investigator.

I was thinking of Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh. Don't bother with the movie; it was okay, but there's a lot in there the movie left out.

Any age-appropriate Judy Blume books would be good.

I also like the Ramona Quimby books -- she was always getting into trouble, but that's because she was an independent thinker and wasn't afraid of anything. Beezus and Ramona -- loved them!

If I think of more, I will come back and post.

Please, whatever you do, avoid the Chronicles of Narnia books. I devoured them as a young girl, but grew up, saw the movie, and started noticing that they were all misogynist crap.

I second that. I put them down at the first time she had to dress for dinner. Spent all my kid-books time on that series with Jupiter and the clubhouse buried in the junkyard. Didn't care that they were boys...

Girl scouts helped... at least the program/troops she was in. She had good leaders who taught them independence and confidence rather than being subordinate. (Others' mileage may vary.)

Also, we were very involved in her schooling, and stressed its importance. We were "church active" at the time, though all of us were good at saying "no" and/or not being manipulated. In fact, the church is full of bad examples for female behavior that we were able to point out. :-)

So... today she's out of the church, married - no kids (yet?), and she does research at a major university.

I was about 9 when "Stepford Wives" was aired on TV. Scared the beejezus out of me. I kept thinking the ladies of the ward were Stepford Wives.

How about Tae KWon Do? The one I take my boys to has several girls. The program we're in has obvious parallels with scouts. Each month has a character theme like Honesty or Perseverance. There is some emphasis on doing household chores, getting good grades, and reading books. There is a series of projects culminating in a service project. This stuff is optional, but the kids like turning in their report cards and book and chore logs and getting praise in front of the class and a gold star to put on their uniform. Looks like most of us are blowing off the projects. (But our neighbors daughter is doing them all.)

This program was developed by South Korea as a sort of good will gesture to give Americans a very positive impression of Koreans. Lots of "remember to thank your parents for bringing you to Tae Kwon Do". "Always be respectful to your teachers." and messages like that. Lots of positive enforcement for always giving your best effort.

It is pricey. (But cheap compared to tithing.) The 9 year old is having fun, and isn't particularly good at the martial arts, but when they're encouraging him sometimes he shines. The 15 year old is very good. It can take 3.5 to 4 years to get a black belt so start by 14. 3 days per week and the work out is rigorous. And they break boards!

Very nice kids and values, not at all like the evil dojo in Karate Kid.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2013 02:18PM by crom.

I also recommend Girl Scouts, and any other activity that isn't run by the Mormon church. I'm also one who enjoyed the Ramona Quimby books, in fact I preferred those over Nancy Drew.

Girl Scouts - if you can, check out the troops/leaders before you commit and find the best fit. Girl Scouts has been amazing for my girls, and is SOOO MUCH MORE than Young Womens. We don't read a scripture and write about our feelings, we go, do and become strong.

Locally we have Roller Derby - our group starts at 11, other areas start younger. It is a different crowd than church for sure. The women who coach our girls are strong female role models. What I love, is that one girl was a bit provocative and they instilled the value of using your strength and skill not your gender. Not for everyone, but a sport option.

I'm going to say it again... MissRepresentation the movie. Not appropriate for your girls yet, they need to be a bit older - but great for you. Go to misrepresentation.org and see if there is a screening near you. Explores the media molding of women's views of themselves, societal views of women. Has anyone else seen this?

Watch how you talk to them. So many times I see conversations with kids that hit gender roles. As in "Hi little boy, aren't you strong/tough/smart" and "Hi little girl, aren't you pretty, nice, sweet." I'll admit, I like it when someone says "Wow, you look great!" But I also like to hear that an idea was brilliant, or my soccer play was fantastic - those communications come less often. (Hmm. Maybe because my brilliant ideas and super soccer plays don't happen so often, but you get the idea!)

I remember "Island of the Blue Dolphins" by Scott O'Dell (I think) showing a strong female.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/07/2013 06:45PM by goatsgotohell.

I agree that a lot of the portrayal of females in the popular media is damaging. I encourage all of my children to think of what they can do and to have fun, rather than to worry too much about what they look like.

I want them to jump out of bed in the morning excited about what fun they can have. The saying "What would you do today if you knew you couldn't fail" is quite inspiring. I want them to find out what they really love to do, like an earlier poster said.

goatsgotohell Wrote:
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> I remember "Island of the Blue Dolphins" by Scott
> O'Dell (I think) showing a strong female.

Not only is that a great book, but it's also a true story: http://news.discovery.com/history/archaeology/juana-maria-cave-121101.htm

I don't have any specific books, however, even before leaving the church it upset me how Gordon Hinckly would always talk about the importance of education but expect our daughters to marry at 19 and pop out babies. I am a BIG believer in education, therefore I have always instilled that in my two girls. I make sure to let them know constantly that they can do math and science (often girls are discriminated in this area even outside the church). I tell all of my children that they can do anything or be anything that they want. So for your 9 y/o I would say that is a good place to start.

A few more things -- I totally agree with martial arts training, sports, and clubs. Aikido is a great martial art for women. Failing that, I recommend its close cousin, Judo. Aikido involves no kicks nor punches. Nothing builds self confidence like knowing that you can throw a man across the room!

As your girls move into their teens, encourage them to read feminist literature.

Speak in terms of not if, but WHEN they will go to college. Assume that they will graduate and pursue a career. Women should always be prepared to support themselves with a job that pays well even if they choose to stay at home. The ability to fully support yourself enables women to walk away from bad relationships and situations, if necessary.

My mom was a strong woman. I admired her when she went to bat for me. I had a sadistic gym teacher in 8th grade who would inspect our sneakers each week AFTER WE HAD RUN AROUND THE TRACK and give up demerits if they were dirty. My mother went to the principle and told her that she had better things to do than wash sneakers every week. The sneaker inspection stopped. Go Mom!

The gym teacher was an african american woman teaching mostly white middle class/upper middle class girls and I think she had a grudge. She was just hateful to us. This was in the day of afros and she had a large one. Once a volley ball went over her head and split her afro down the middle and she didn't realize it, but we were cracking up.

There's nothing like your daughters watching you get your college diploma to inspire them that they can do it, too.