Well, unfortunately (see yesterday's post) my father decided that discretion was not an option.

So he fired off an even more offensive email to me today.

I told him that he was no longer welcome in my home. *sad trombones*

We'll see if he continues to behave badly.

My initial boundary setting with him gave him and my mother about 8 additional years to visit my children (not that they did it very much, and it took a few years for my mom to learn my daughter's name...My aunt noticed that as recently as 2 years ago my mother was regularly introducing my daughter by a wrong name--my daughter is 7 yrs. old).

My email went as follows:

Dad,

You have behaved badly on uncountable occasions throughout my life. I am not interested in discussion about your behavior, as a lifetime of explaining to you has not improved things. You were tolerated for the sake of my children, as long as you did not cause further problems. You seem to not understand that, nor to understand that if you can't be gracious that you can't come over. You chose to be an asshole about your disagreements about my language.

You are no longer welcome in my home.

***

It's too bad for both of us, but it is very clear that he can only behave with strong boundaries, and in public w/ people watching (sometimes). I was not at home to manage things better and to control the visit like I usually do, and that is likely why it went south. Ah...Well, I gave it my best, and he probably did too.

I can't help it, I smiled at your sad trombones.

It's for the best, for the health and sanity of you and you children, but it is unfortunate he couldn't resist pushing things.

Punky - did you see this thread addressed to yourself?

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,846761

Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em!

Sorry to hear you're having to deal with such nonsense, Punky, but good on you for telling the horse's a** to f**k-off!

I don't give my folks credit for anything other than showing me who, exactly, I don't want to be. Both are classic examples of the brand of humans that should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to procreate, much less raise children.

Just before my mom passed, she told me that, in her eyes, I'll always be that cute little nine-year-old boy she so adored. Didn't have the heart to tell her that that's only because she's still the same idiot she was 47 years ago who blindly accepted the cult as the one-and-only.

People, in general, and mormons, in particular, set themselves up to be disappointed. Its not your fault that the cult is a joke and your folks can't figure it out. My guess is that your station in life and the fact that you live your life well without the cult's influence is a source of irritation to them. Again, not your fault. Just another example of TBMs going out of there way to ruin a good thing.

Not the best of circumstances, but I applaud your actions.

Thanks for sharing!

Timothy

Punky, sorry if this has been asked but in your first thread (http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,846412) you gave a response to your father's email but it wasn't made clear if you actually sent that to him.

He sent the original email (Don't swear in front of me). Did you send a response and then he sent a nasty reply?

Just trying to clarify.

I have to bite my tongue a LOT when I visit certain family members because I tend to swear like a sailor :) That said, I don't think that curbing that is really a big deal. I get the impression that there is more to your dad than just him being offended by you saying a dirty word occasionally. Is that a correct assumption?

My dad's 2nd email was pretty hurtful, so I did not post it on RfM. I likely won't read it again.

It's how he is. Self-righteous. :( I can't change that. I could simply manage his abusive behavior to create the least damaging and most optimal interactions I could.

And 8 yrs. was a long time to last. I wish it had gone longer for my kids, but *shrugs*

You took control of your life from your father and put him in his place!

Seems like a lot of mormon men like to assert their authority no matter what the situation is.

Your-Father-The-Anus always sounded to me like he was self-deluded, and probably never has acknowledged to himself that he has a problem. He probably only agreed to your boundaries in order to keep the peace, but the idea that he was at fault must have never crossed his mind. Hopefully at this point you can explain to your children what "toxic people" are.

Punky you know I support you 110% Live life to the fullest and give your children the knowledge to grow and love life as you hve learned

I had to do this with my parents. I wish I'd done it years earlier. I gave them 50 years to have a good relationship with me.

My mother still doesn't know my daughters name. My daughter is 30.

So you see, it doesn't end unless you put an end to it. Sad but true.

I am with Mia. I gave my Anus sperm donor parent my first 25 years. At that point, I realized:

1. I am an adult
2. I have a right to expect and demand courtesy and respect.
3. I no longer cared to tolerate the bad behavior that I was forced to tolerate growing up.
4. I no longer cared to tolerate the controlling behavior and derogatory comments.
5. As an adult, I had a right and obligation to myself to set boundaries of acceptable behavior.

6. I had a right to end a relationship that demeaned me. I realized he would continue his derogatory behavior towards me that he honed in my childhood and expected to continue, but that I could no longer tolerate.

I don't know if I would give my father an ultimatum.

I know we might be subconsciously programmed to accept our father figures as authorities over us (at least I did), but telling my abusive self righteous parents to leave me the fuck alone was one of the best decisions of my life.

Btw, this happened only a week and a half ago, so I know very well what you're going through and am still going through it myself. I am in the same boat.

I did it to the male parental unit 25 years ago and it was the best decision of my life still.

drop that zero and find yourself a hero. He obviously doesn't care as much about you as you do him. I am in a similar situation with my family. It hurts, but you can move past it. I would stop communication altogether at this point.

I've said this before and I'll say this again.

Biological relationships do NOT a family make.

I've learned this the hard way, but it was worth it.

I hope you are doing OK.

I divorced my mother many years ago. I found that boundry maintence with her was taking so much energy I had no energy left for anything else.

I hope you will keep posting when you can.

For what it's worth, you are doing the only possible thing you can do. I ground myself to fine powder for my family, and in the end, separation saved my life.

You can try, all you want, to preserve respectable relationships with Mormon family, but my experience is that it will eventually fail. Unless you are willing to be a doormat, the relationship will slip, year by year, into antipathy.

No contact with tbm family now. Mom, or dad or any of them, for many years.

It's been a long time now for me, and it's comfortably numb, but I remember it hurting.

Sorry to hear that your dad can't behave better. But good for you for setting boundaries with him.

Had to do this years ago and it was very difficult at the time, but, it has freed me up to be the Dad my kids need and the husband my wife deserve.
My parents were just awful growing up. There were 9 boys, 1 girl and I was in the middle of a violent and very dangerous world. My mom would set us up to get beat and then use the guilt my dad would feel to get what she wanted. Think there is damage as a result??? Ya think??
Fast forward 20 years; I was just back from Iraq and struggling to get the emotional fall out in order. In the process, we uncovered the fraud that is mo’ism, left to freedom, and cut my mom and dad out of our life.
I am now, 6 years later, a very healthy Father to our dear kids and our marriage has never been better.
Hang in there and focus on your kids.
Merrill









.

Have you considered that your father really enjoys this ongoing exchange and will keep it up as long as you do?

My experience: do not respond to the emails. The more you write back the more fun it is for them to keep the exchange going.

Put him in Time Out for a very long time!

Wow Kooodos to everyone here and moving past their abusive past- I too am estranged by my choice from both parents- while I know I'm not the only one out there-there are times when I feel I am- this thread has been comforting-being taught/guilted/abused into feeling like you are responsible for all the hurt and bad in ones parents life is hard to break away from as an adult even at ahem...almost 40 but doing so has given my marriage and children the gift that I never had growing up- the gift of living a normal life without parents who lash out like a dam fool just cause they feel like it