The other thread was closed, but I wanted to say thank you for the feedback, suggestions, etc...

As some of you acknowledged, being a Step-Parent in this situation is a bit limiting for me in how things get handled. My gut says, "Oh hell no, you do what we say when we say it." - but neither my husband nor I want to be tyrants. This is just a small battle in the war for her to think for herself and not "tow the line" so to speak of any religion. We fully believe that she is "active" solely because she lives in Utah - a peer pressure thing - being the only Non-Mormon in your entire class can be a bit ostracizing. If her mother had kept her in the city of her birth, she would know very little about the Church if anything at all. Our concern is the blind devotion without questioning and concluding herself that family time is more important than what she thinks she was told it meant to "Honor the Sabbath"

She has already threatened to "never come over on Sundays" - unfortunately there is no legal custody agreement in place, so without hiring lawyers there is no real way to FORCE her to spend time with us on Sundays. (yeah, I know - whole other can of worms right there) So we have to tread lightly with this in order to maintain a relationship at all.

I think DH is going to approach it from the "What do you think God would really want you to do?" standpoint. He is planning on having a real heart to heart talk with her tomorrow morning (while I am at work). I am going to suggest he invite her to bring her Bible to read in the car and she chooses not to bring one, we have plenty here she can use. - I guess we will see how it plays out.

Thanks again.

Its got to be a major power trip to be able to pull the strings of adults like she does. She's making you toe (not tow) her line.

Is she pulling our strings or is she really standing up for what she believes to be true? Possibly a little bit of both, but that is why DH is going to talk to her. This isn't us trying to get her to do the dishes or clean her room. This is a belief in her church that could potentially dictate the rest of her life, from where she goes to college to going on a mission to having a wedding that her father won't even be able to attend. We want her to know that she doesn't HAVE to do everything the church says in order for God to love her be good person.

I am not sure I am expressing myself clearly - we don't want her to use the church, any church, as an excuse for behavior towards other people or as an excuse for things that she doesn't want to do. Make sense?

I hear and understand. I think it's a good approach. I'm a step-parent too, and I completely agree that DH needs to do this. I've been a step for over 20 years now, and my daughter (step) and I get along great now, so it can get better. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/19/2013 05:44PM by Good Witch.

when it is a girl this age. In my case she was 14 and detested me with every fiber of her being. We didn't have the religion problem but we had a lot of others. One piece of advice - you are still an adult and you should receive the respect given to all adults/people. Just because you are the step does not mean she can treat you like crap. And NOTHING you do is going to be good enough/make her happy. If you start jumping through hoops she will keep finding more hoops. And don't take things personally. Things will get better but it may be a very very long time. For us things didn't turn around till she had her own kids in their teens.

srena nli Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Its got to be a major power trip to be able to
> pull the strings of adults like she does. She's
> making you toe (not tow) her line.

+ Infinity

That sounds like a fine plan. Having been a step-mother, I can sympathize. At 13, it wouldn't matter much if an agreement were in place, she's getting old enough to decide who she wants to spend time with.

It's best to have her dad take the lead and get her to make compromises that everyone can live with. Talking and thinking really go a long way towards mutual respect and seeing the broader view of life.

Her dad needs to be the one to handle this all the way.

In a 13 year olds mind you are nobody. At the very most you are someone she can use to vent her anger at. In her mind she doesn't have to do anything you say, or suggest. If you try to push that she will make you miserable.

Without a doubt, I agree. DH will be the one talking to her, but DH and I will discuss what he says beforehand and he will take into consideration my thoughts and feelings, but we are pretty much on the same page.

Let me add & be perfectly clear, she is a GOOD kid. She is wicked smart and has her father's quick wit. She has an amazing capacity for love and my dog worships the ground she walks on (he is a great judge of character,:) ) . She helps out around the house when asked and generally participates in family activities with a great attitude and eagerness to have fun.

We (her & I) have never had the kind of problems I expected when I became a step-mother. DEFINITELY nothing like my own step-sister had with my mother. There were some territorial type things with her dad at first, but I never engaged & my DH has always made it clear I was an authority figure (and for the record so did her mother) - so we have settled into this comfortable existence for the most part.

She really is a good kid. This is the first real "problem" we have encountered since DH & I have been married and we will get through it, we just want to get through it with as minimal damage as possible.

(and for the record so did her mother) - This makes all the difference. And it makes everything easier on the KIDS!

Oh I know! The ex and I have barely said two words to each other in almost four years, but once she realized that I was NOT a monster, she has expressed support for me to the kids. And we absolutely do or say nothing to disparage their mother in front of the kids.

Good on both of you! I wish there were that much respect with the DH's ex.

I'm a never-mo, but I am also a stepmom (my stepson is now 26). I had to be prepared to lose my Cool Stepmom(TM) card a time or two -- and I did. Somehow, we all survived the situation -- and he recently told me that he worries more about what I would think about XYZ than his what his biological mother would. Why? Because I stood my ground and wouldn't let him get away with nonsense.

You and your husband are the adults. When adults make a decision about what the family will be doing, there is no debating (otherwise, I would have avoided a boatload of camping trips while I was growing up; I hate camping with a flaming passion, but my parents loved it and so we got dragged along).

I do remember being that 13-year-old girl who didn't want to go camping, make no mistake. But somehow I survived the experience. When she's grown and/or has her own transportation to take herself to church, from my perspective she is then welcome to determine her own activities. Expecting you all to stay home from geocaching so that you can drive her to church is ridiculous.

If you can arrange for a car pool for her, fabulous. Let her go to church while you guys geocache. Otherwise, she's the child and you're the parents.

/rant

I doubly second what Susan I/S said.

I am also a step mother and at one time, she was a teen ager. I also raised two girls. Caring and compassion and respect is a two way street. I didn't bend over backwards to be accepted by my husband's daughter of his first marriage as I didn't bend over backwards to make my daughters like me. I was the parent,first and foremost and always.

People say you can't control them at this age. Really? This IS the age you must be vigilant on how you proceed with them and never let go of control even though you may handle it differently than when they were younger. Teen years is the time where mistakes can be made that will affect their lives for ever.

There is a fine line between control and letting them find themselves and giving them too much rope to hang themselves. There is no sure fire answer that fits every circumstance.

Your husband needs to communicate with his ex about his daughter's actions and words and come up with an agreement of how everyone is going to deal with it on both ends. Teen daughter has to learn that even though she may not like you, may resent you, she still needs to treat you with respect. That is a skill that will serve her well far into the future, especially in the work field.

Just because a teen age girl does her little hissy fits does NOT mean the whole family has to cater to her. Otherwise the family will just revolve around by avoiding the behavior reaction by soft selling to her and then the girl learns that she can control people with unacceptable behavior. That is a skill that will not serve her well in the future because others will not accept her.

She will be in high school, she (hopefully) will be in college and in a field of her choice. She learns NOW that people will say 'no' to her, that she will be treated 'unjustly' in life, that people are not out to cater to her every whim and that college professors will expect her to perform well in academics for them. Kids learn to deal with this now when they run head first into the wall of their parents standards and expectations. It is where they learn to handle frustration and anger in an acceptable manner. Kids just don't out grow this, they learn it by dealing with adults that hold them accountable for their behavior.