Hi Everyone.

First of all i want to thank you all for your many articles and stories they have been very inspirational and enlightening, as I have been a silent reader of this forum for close to five months now. I finally decided to post something!(sorry about how long it is haha)

I am eighteen and although i haven't believed in the church for close to two years I've been able to keep my parents relatively in the dark about it. I am not as much worried about being disowned or unaccepted but more worried about my parents feeling like they failed or something when i let them know I'm not going on a mission. did any of you experience this?

i know that they are not the ones to blame for raising me with such blatant lies since they are just as blinded, so i would like to make the separation as smooth as possible.

I know my mom will just accuse me of being selfish and a sinner or whatever and somehow claim how much she loves me while she spews about how bad i am. (you can tell we haven't had the best relationship)

It is more my Dad i am worried about. i don't want him to feel like he failed in someway. although he is a fairly devout Mormon he definitely is far from your average self righteous prick. he is very patient person and if it wasn't for him always teaching me to be a free and logical thinker i might still be caught in the intricate spider web of the church. Honestly him being as smart and logical as he is i don't know how he has been blinded by the church. i guess it just shows how effective they can be. i plan eventually trying to show him the truth behind the church after i leave but just don't think it will be very effective if i leave and try to disprove his religion all at once.

So my questions are: how did they deal with their parents? Did any of your parents feel like they failed? Did you just let them get over it? or did you do something to make them feel better in some small way? What do you think the most effective way to go about this? is there even a way to do this smoothly?

Although it sounds weird to make not going to a church a big deal everyone who has gone through leaving the LDS church knows just how ridiculous it can be sometimes. Thanks!

Welcome, Broda!

I think it's inevitable that your parents will feel that they failed you. If I were in your shoes I would communicate to them what a wonderful job they did in raising you. Tell them specific values that they raised you with (honesty, a good work ethic, etc.) that have become important to you.

How honest you want to be with them about your religious choices, once you are fully independent, is up to you. You could simply tell them that a mission is not right for you at this time, and quietly go inactive. Or you could tell them in a forthright manner that you do not believe.

If you choose the latter course of action, whatever explanation you give to them, I would keep it simple. You simply don't believe it, or the church is not right for you. If they have further questions, direct them to a web resource such as Mormon Think or the video about why people leave the church. No explanation that you give will be good enough for them, so my advice would be not to go there.

What are your plans for your future?

I can not answer your ques. as I have a daughter caught up in this cult. But all I can say is prove by your actions that YOU are not adifferent person....you just want to live without the belief system Mormonism expects of you because you don't believe it. Explain with details later. Will you be going off to college? Can you get a loan since your parents wont' help I guess if you go other than to BYU? Or are you looking for a full time job? Whatever you do try to keep under their roof for a bit if you are earning money and save, save, save. Then go on your own. YOU are entitled to. They will just have to adjust. Sounds like your DAD may be able to soften the blow with your mom. Thinking of you.

Unfortunately, all we can do is be as kind and tactful as possible and wait out the hurt feelings and misdirected pain and guilt.

Your parents have been indoctrinated by a cult. They've been trained to think you won't leave the church if they've been good mormon parents. It's their church making them feel this way, not you.

You can break it to them over time and do it gently. You can reassrue them and they'll react and hopefully get over the disappointment in time. Your job will be to take it a day at a time and avoid feeling guilty as much as possible.

We can't control how other people think and feel. We're only in charge of our own lives, not theirs.

http://www.exmormon.org/pattern/index.htm

If you haven't already read the "The Pattern of the Double-bind", you may want, too. This will help explain what you're parents are going through and how they will feel(you, too). The church basically sets us up for a fail, we feel guilt, and then they promise a way out that cannot be delivered, hence we fail again.

Just a thought. Good luck.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/20/2013 08:01PM by alphonso.

A lot of us start out apologizing for how long our posts are, but we all know you just gotta get it out sometimes.

No tl;dr here.

XD

Hey there, and welcome!

You will be introducing significant change to your parents life. Experts in change leadership suggest that a powerful step in introducing change is to outline in detail what has not and will not change. This will reduce speculation and help calm their fears around "worst case scenarios". I suggest you list off all the attributes, character traits, and core values that you continue to believe in. They will likely realize that 85% ish of you is exactly who you have always presented yourself to be.

Essentially, do not be defined by what you are not (Mormon), but define yourself by what you are (all those great traits, talents, values, dreams, and aspirations). Providing this information will help, but only help. The sad truth is you have very little control over other people's thoughts and reactions.

Lastly, I encourage you to live a happy full life that exemplifies how unnecessary the LDS cult is in your journey.

I wish you well.

Welcome to the board! You sound like such a nice sweet daughter to try to protect your parents feelings. I have 3 children who became unbelievers before I did. They kept it to themselves, mainly to protect their dad as I was having doubts myself. When they turned 18, the girls moved out and into apartments so they could attend a university. They used loan money to do so. I was able to help them after we got divorced. My second daughter waited until she was 21 to tell her dad of her unbelief. She was very nervous but she was certainly an adult and he just shrugged his shoulders. My son joined the military and never lived at his house again. All 3 of my children are out. Dear dad is in the bishop prick. They all still maintain a relationship with him but they don't order wine at dinner even though they all drink. They just don't talk about the elephant in the room.

I like the idea of telling them how much you appreciate the things they taught you, like critical thinking skills. I didn't get any of that in my Utah upbringing nor in mormon schools in Idaho and Utah. I did go to college, finally, in Las Vegas where I was able to learn those skills that are needed in any profession.

Do keep us posted as we are all on board and are cheering you on.

Carol

That is one of the really hard things with this - you feel bad that you it makes your parents feel bad.

In the end there isn't much you can do to avoid it. Just remember you aren't hurting them. You aren't the villain and them the victim. You are both victims of a bad situation. You are both victims of a nearly 200 year old con.

The best thing to do is to avoid getting into talking about the details of why you don't believe, and to avoid them getting into the reconversion tactics that can be so hurtful. To do that you 1) have to be VERY clear that you have made a firm conclusion - don't sound wishy-washy that you are just struggling with your testimony, 2) avoid getting into details of why you don't believe- that will feel like a personal attack on them.

Instead focus on the relationship - let them know you appreciate how you were raised - don't say anything passive-aggressive like you raised me to think on my own and find the truth - just the positives. Explain that your love and relationship is most important and you don't want your differences in beliefs to get in the way of that.

It's hard because even if they are very gracious as my parents have been you know they are sad and take it personally. And you see it come up in subtle ways on occasion. Unfortunately its just the nature of the situation and all you can do is build on the love and the other aspects of the relationship.

I may have the wrong term (I'm a computer programmer, not a psychiatrist)...but as I understand it, it's an unhealthy habit to worry about how other people will "feel" about your behavior. Especially when you are being "real" ... if they don't like reality, it's not your fault, nor is it your problem.

I like that simple explanation. Good one.

Welcome! Many lurk, not all post. I'm glad you asked for help!

There's not really an easy way. There's no magic way to tell them that will ensure a good outcome. I echo the other advice that you let them know you love them. You and your father might be able to have some discussions about the truth. Time will tell. Check back in to let us know how it's going.

I am one of the few who hold to the idea of ripping off the band aid. But for me I could not have done it any other way but in grand style. After that, I set about to show them I am the same person who has always been there for them and respectful and good to them only now they see I set my own boundaries that they must respect. My husband oversteps that boundary at times then I need to remind him I am not subject to church teachings. It was worth it to me. They can see I'm the same person only now I'm much happier. I try and show them my burden to live under the thumb has been lifted. It hurt them but I'm still standing and they still choose to be a part of my life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 12:54PM by Suckafoo.