I dont know how to get out of this unhealthy relationship I have with my TBM mom and into a something more healthy.

My mom has been able to manipulate me for my entire life. I do whatever she says, I feel horrible if she disapproves of me in any way, I answer the phone every time she calls (like 4 times a day), when she is rude to me I am the one to call and make it all nice again, and when she decides she doensnt like something about me or my house or the way I raise my son she gets all passive and distant and I let it completely freak me out.

When I finally told her that I was no longer a member of her church all hell broke loose, but lately she just doenst talk about it. So I find myself trying even harder in all of the other aspects of my life to please her and make her proud and keep things happy and going smoothly.

And she is totally taking advantage of it. She *knows* the power she keeps over me and has been horrible lately about criticising almost everything I do, say, wear, how I look, how I raise my son... everything. And she asks me to do these awful time consuming chores for her all of the time and if I even hesitate she starts to cry about how she does so much for me and I cannot even do this one thing for her. (example, I didnt want to take her cat that pees everywhere into my house for the week. I have two dogs and a baby boy as well. I tried to say no and she slammed the phone down on me and I ended up calling her back and trying to make nice and she only stopped being really weird when I found a place for the cat to stay with a friend of mine.)

I know that I allow her to have this control. I have tried to break the pattern, but it is just so uncomfortable for me to have disharmony in that relationship. I really dont know what to do to make this better. To not lose my mom for good, but to be able to handle her constant cricitism with just a shrug. help?

Honestly, all I could say is to try and change your perspective. Don't listen to her remarks and don't let her have that power because she is clearly enjoying it and if you don't let her have that power it is far more likely to stop. I'm not a therapist though, and there may be people who can give better advice than that.

You need this:

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_inlaws_and_foo_family_of_origin

Spine building boot camp :)

Do we have the same mother? Good grief! Can you move far away from her for awhile and see if that helps? I have a really ballsy younger brother that left the church and I'm taking courage from him and my DH won't put up with crap and if I need him to he can say something and she'd listen to him.

As for your son, she had her chance to raise her kids and if she doesn't like how you're doing it TS! I'm sure you're a wonderful mom especially since you see how damaging manipulation and emotional abuse can be.If you look on a thread I posted yesterday about being a new "apostate" someone recommended a book to me on dealing with emotional abuse and maybe reading that would give you tools on dealing with her. I take a very passive approach and leave my phone off. If there is an emergency my mom has my cell phone number and she thinks she has to call my cell phone from hers so since the cost of using her cell phone is higher in the day she doesn't call often ;-)

You know I consider you a friend, so I am going to be really direct here.

So what you think you want is to allow your Mom to continue to manipulate you and treat you like dirt and for it to not bother you?

I don't think that is realistic. As long as you allow the dynamic to continue she will continue to manipulate and bully you. And it will continue to hurt.

These are the realistic choices I see:

1) Continue as is, but expect that it is going to hurt. You will continue to try to live up to her expectations which are impossible because she is just using it to manipulate you. You stay forever caught in the Mormon world of perfectionism and judgement.

2) You slowly distance yourself.

3) You stand up to the bullying and manipulation. One of two things will happen. A) She will freak out and things will escalate and your relationship will never recover. B) Your relationship will transform, over time, into a mature relationship between two adults - she will respect you for standing up and no longer being played.

You already know this - as long as you try to be good enough for her you are playing a loosing game. Remember she is under the direct influence of Mind Control - she is not rational.

it is hard to stand up for myself because she belittles me every time I do. If I tell her that I have the right to disagree with her, she says something like, whoa, dont overreact, it is no big deal!

I dont think I can beat her at this game.

I want duck feathers damnit! I want to not care when she is mean and hurtful. There are people out there that can just hear the things she says and not care. Why do I care? i dont want to care anymore.

So... option 2? but how? how do I make distance?

What you report of her responses to you are classic manipulative behavior. No more, mommy dearest! No, mom. No no no no no no. Bye. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

You need to be direct with her, or she wont get it. I don't like this mom, and I'm hanging up now. Bye. Don't let her draw you in. Stop her cold, she can actall victimmy all she wants, but it wont work anymore.

I don't expect this, or you, to change all at once, but once you decide you really have had enough, then it will really improve for you. She may never change, but you can.

Don't just not answer the phone ever, but when she pulls her crap, remove yourself. If she calls back, tell her youll talk with her when she's ready to be nice, and hang up again. THEN don't answer the phone! Don't just play the Mormon passive agressive game. Take it into your own hands and be direct.

So say I do that...

and she starts to cry and she doesnt understand why I am being so mean all of a sudden over something so trvial...

How do I respond? Whenever I do stand up for myself or something, she makes the issue seem like such a small thing and that I am the one being ridiculous and I always end up aplogizing.

I can get to the point where I stand up for myself... but I dont know what to do after that.

If she tries that "boo hoo, why are you being so mean to me over this little thing", be prepared to respond by succinctly listing her behaviors/words that are unacceptable.

It would be helpful for you to write them down immediately after the offensive phone call or visit so that you have them to refer to when she phones you. Then you don't have to try to remember them while having what will probably be a stressful phone call.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2013 01:27PM by janebond462.

You call her out on it.

You say Mom, I can't have a reasonable conversation with you because you pull this manipulative emotional junk. I'll talk to you later and we can try again. Bye.

The key is to be in control. The beauty of it is as soon as she acts like a little kid, it is VERY easy for you to assume control. She's acting ridiculous and if you call her out she knows it. This is where you do the "feathers on a duck" - you ACT like none of this bothers you.

Think working with a toddler. When a toddler has a fit you don't get all flustered. You control the situation by saying - honey you can't act this way - I'll talk to you about this when you calm down. (Seriously, when your Mom starts acting like a child picture yourself talking to a 2-3 year old and I'll bet you know EXACTLY how to act and what to say.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2013 01:34PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

Don't address the manipulative tactics. Cut her off at the pass. You can't fix it for her, but you don't have to stick around for the histrionics. I am not trying to make light of how difficult this is going to be, because change is usually hard.

Yes, she will not be happy about losing such control over you. You are not responsible for her emotions. I think it's time to get tough.

"Why are you being so mean to me?"

"I'm not trying to be mean, I've decided I don't like how you treat me. I need to go now, talk with you later. Bye!"

If she want to have a relationship with you, specifically if she wants access to her grandson, she needs to do it on your terms.

Perfect.

I was in an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship and felt all the same things! I got so tired of being wrong all the time. I'm a scientist...so after years of this i used logic...if u flip a coin, 50% of the time heads, 50% tails....therefore i couldn't ALWAYS be wrong! After that epiphany, i started emotionally distancing myself by the non-apology method...I'm sorry ur upset at what i said...passive agressive i know, but it gave.me enuf emotional distance then after a while to call them out directly, allowed them abt 6 months for them to learn they had to xhange their behavior...and when they didn't became unengaged. Yay!

I just can't imagine that as a daughter you could get to the point of having duck feathers - you can ACT that way, but it won't feel that way.

My parents are quite gracious about me leaving the church, but it still hurts - A LOT - even when the little subtle judgements come through. I can only imagine what it would be like if they were aggressive and manipulative (or passive-aggressive) about it.

There are some really good simple strategies to stand up for yourself. I highly recommend reading Dear Prudence at slate.com - she is really good at explaining them.

Example:

"It's no big deal."

"Well, it's a big deal to me."

"Blah, blah. blah."

"I'm sorry you can't respect my feelings. Let's try again when you can act more civil towards me. Goodbye. Click."

- The key is never show you are flustered, stay in control. The trump card is basically "you are acting inappropriately, I'm not going to put up with this," then calmly but immediately end the conversation."

The key is to teach her that you will only interact with her on your terms and within your boundaries. Anything else will not be tolerated. Then if she tries to play games about how much that hurts her - rinse/repeat. Any time she is condescending or manipulative call it out. She gets ONE change to apologize and change the subject. Otherwise that interaction/conversation is over - she can try again next time.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2013 01:16PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

First, educate yourself about toxic relationships so that you KNOW what this is doing to you and your loved ones.

Second, my advice (based on personal experience, I know it might be really hard for you) is go cold turkey. In short, just stop interacting with your mother. Don't confront her but don't answer her calls, don't go over, don't let the children visit her, etc. She KNOWS what she's doing and cutting her off like this will undoubtedly trigger retaliation. Be prepared. If you can, get yourself a good counselor to help you through it because you will need someone to vent to who can help you stay the course.

I can't promise anything but (also based on personal experience) people like your mother actually straighten out when they are held accountable for boundary violations.

Also, I recommend that when your mother is trying to guilt you into things you have a simple phrase to respond with. Something like: "I am hurt when you talk to me like that." followed by quietly hanging up the phone or leaving. Don't argue. Don't defend. DON'T try to smooth things over. Your mother counts on you doing those things but they are NOT your responsibility.

Oh, and ask yourself why it is so important to you that you maintain a relationship with your mother. I'm guessing it's mostly because you feel like you should but there is no "should" except that you "should" take care of yourself so you can be a happy, healthy human being.

Good luck. You have a lot of support here too. Use it, please! :)

My grandmother always cautioned us to never 'should' on ourselves. It applies especially well in this situation.

Get a copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship

and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.

They give good techniques and identify the circular patterns of abuse that are manipulating you.

One of the most effective tools is, 'the broken record'.

I understand how you feel, Mom, but I do not agree with you.

"You're being over reactive"

I understand how you feel, Mom, but I do not agree with you.

"you're not raising your son right.!!!"

I understand how you feel, Mom, but I do not agree with you.

"you must go back to church! If you hadn't left the church this wouldn't be happening!"

I understand how you feel, Mom, but I do not agree with you.

You're a rude daughter!!!!

I understand how you feel, Mom, but I do not agree with you.

I'll NEVER call you again!

I understand how you feel, Mom, but I do not agree with you.

YOu're no daughter of mine!

I understand how you feel, Mom, but I do not agree with you.

etc.

In fact, write down all the stupid things she says to set you off. Make three copies.

On one, you write your broken record response.
On two, you take each item and write Fear, Guilt, Anger, and Worry(dreaded outcome) write something in each column of what you're concerned about.
Fear I'm not a good daugher because I don't like my mean mom.
Guilt I'm supposed to like my mom, I should be nice to her even when she's mean
Anger How dare she treat me this way!
Worry; If I don't have my Mom what will I have? My child will grow up without knowing their grandma (never mind that you wouldn't let a neighbor who treats you and your child like your Mom does stay in your life!)

The third copy YOu write accross it with big inky letters. This is no longer in my life. I do not accept this bad behavior directed at me. Mom has a problem. I give it back to her. Thank you to the universe/Jesus. Then take a match and burn it.
Consider it a 'cleansing' ritual!

You're doing very well. YOu have recoginized the need to separate from a toxic parent. (There is a book called Dealing with Toxic Parents) too by the way.....

Learn to tell your self five things you did well each day. It will boost your mood! Write your sucesses. You log book will become your friend.

this is a very different idea that I have no considered before. It sounds like something a therapist might recommend.

What the hell? I might as well give it a shot. I've done the whole "I understand but dont agree" thing before, but not the others.

And three more books to put on my library account.

Thank you for your thoughtful response

I swear we have the same mom! Yikes! I would say for the distance, stop going to her house (even if the premise is family birthdays, holidays etc.)Then look for a new job in a different state or change your phone number and don't give it too her.If she shows up unannounced pretend you aren't home or take apart the doorbell =-)

Exactly. Many people who find themselves in uncomfortable situations remain 'stuck' because they fear even worse cicumstances if they change things and they're also perversely used to the way things are. When the pain outweighs the fear of change, then things will.

Mi FIL treats my TBM wife like this in many ways. We read part of this book together, and found some ideas really helpful:

Children of the Self Absorbed

http://www.amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366907687&sr=8-1&keywords=children+of+the+self+absorbed

There is a preview on amazon you can read. I HIGHLY suggest taking a look at it, or other books about narcissistic parents. The book really vindicated my wife and helped her self esteem. I also liked it because it focused on keeping the good in the relationship, but also preventing the person from hurting you.

Ive actually had this book recommended to me before, but I ignored it because I thought I was somehow above needed to read a book about it or because I thought my situation just wasnt that bad.

But im miserable and it IS that bad, isnt it?

Thanks for the title, imma check it out :)

Do.not.answer.the.phone.

Does she live close? I hope not, and if not, don't answer. Period.

ugh. She lives a hour away and she babysits my son twice a week (used to be 5 times a week, but that just didnt last very long...)

Just dont answer?

Why does that seem like such a hard thing to do?

First off, eliminate her from babysitting your son. Eliminate all other activities she does for you that would afford her the leverage to manipulate you. Often people who perform tasks, duties, or favors for someone then feel empowered to treat them however they would like.

Second, get it through your head that "family" is overrated. I am always amazed how strangers off of the street are treated better than family members.

Third, life is too short to live in misery. It is also too short to include people who bring you down. Eliminate those types of people from your life (may they be family or not), and happiness will follow. Is it really a relationship when YOU have to walk on egg shells to maintain peace and harmony?

Dump her. Spend your time on more meaningful things. If she wants to make a "come back", make sure it is on YOUR terms.

Since she equates doing you favors to license to criticize and ask unreasonable things, find another sitter.

If she spends time with your son, it should be because she wants to see him, not because she is trying to make you indebted to her.

Having an incontinent cat stay with you isn't a fair trade, BTW.

Your mom may be a narcissist. http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Yeah, get rid of the babysitting. The cost is too great.

Try to put in writing the exact behaviors that she does. No generalities, just specifics. For instance: When you called last week, and I tried to tell you that I do not want you to tell my son anything about the Book of Mormon, you told me that you know I have a testimony. Make them specific, so you can make it concrete in your mind what is and is not allowed.

She is dangerous and sucking out your soul.

She is a master manipulator, and people like that never admit their part in the manipulation. She'll always try to make her feelings and her choices your fault. Most of the time, manipulators don't even realize the extent of their problem.

My mother used to be like that when I was in high school, and it was the source of many many fights because I would vacillate between placating her and doing things simply because I knew she would flip out. The main thing that helped me and my mom was distance over time. I've lived over 3000 miles away from her for at least 15 years, and there is little she can do when I don't answer the phone or call her back. She has also mentioned being worried that I will cut her off from my kids if she "misbehaves".

I would suggest reading some books about the complicated mother-daughter relationship so that you can learn to create some boundaries with her, and avoid her manipulation traps.

suzanne, here's a question to think about -

Why would you want a relationship with someone who treats you like that?

Try not answering her calls for a week and see what happens.

Many of us, even the nevermos her, like me, have learned how to stand up for ourselves to family members. I can only relate what has worked for me.

When people get used to us being accomodating and frankly, human doormats, they aren't going to change unless pushed into it. There's nothing to their advantage to changing the interpersonal dynamics between you, so it's up to you. Don't fall for the temper tantrums. You have the power to hang up the phone, not let her into your house, tell her its time to leave your house, or get go and home yourself. It's hard changing the way things have always been, but it is quite possible.

The day I did NOT fall apart crying during one of my mother's verbal attacks, yelling 4 inches or so from my face, of course supported by my dad, I knew I'd finally arrived. I was 46 years old... don't be like me! Dont let it go on as long as i did. I arched one eyebrow at her and calmly informed her that she was spitting on me, and that it was time for them to leave. What could she do, really, what power did she really have over me? Nothing.

"Mom, enough! I've had enough of your _______ behavior, and I'm not putting up with it anymore." Then stick to it, and be calm about it, that really takes the wind out of their sails.

She doesn't live with you, and you do t ned her anymore. She may come around in time, but in the mean time, look at what this does to you. You don't deserve this kind of crap, no one does.

My older sister still tries to control my emotional state sometimes using covert aggressive tactics, and I keep stopping her. Yay me! At 52, even, lordy.

This assignment will be difficult, should you choose to accept it (got to add a little snicker to this, must laugh rather than cry), but you CAN do this.

I found reading about covert aggression, separate from passive agression (people frequently confuse the two, all too often) to be very freeing. There's a name for it! It's very real!

Want to try a fun, pre-stand up to Mom activity? Itreally is fun! When you have the house to yourself, if you can get someone else (not mom!) to watch the kids, do some role playing, on the order of "Mom, this is bullshit! Bullshit! BULLSHIT!" Nice and loud. Get angry. Get it out.

She really does not have any actual power over you. No more being Mommy's good little girl, okay? I'm pulling for you!

Change her ring tone in your phone to silent. That way she has to leave a message and you can call her back when you feel strong enough to deal with her. Only call her back as often as you desire, wether that is once a day or once a week.

Please get some therapy. I had a mother very much like this, and was very much in the same head-space that you are. My therapist really helped me stand up for myself, and not allow her to do this to me.

I only realized how badly she would guilt all of us when my brother was an adult and use to tease her with a breathy high voice, "That's ok (sigh), go on without me. I'll be fine." I started my using this and letting her know I know she does it on purpose.

Good luck!

I also HIGHLY recommend this book:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0029LHWPO/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1366910646&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

just put a hold on it at the library. thank you :)

Get counseling. Seriously. If you can't afford it, try to scrape together the money for even one or two sessions. Your emotional and mental health are worth it.

You cannot have a relationship with a person who belittles and manipulates you, even if it happens to be your mother.
This is a set pattern and she won't change, no matter what you do.

STOP INTERACTING WITH HER !!
DO NOT LET HER BABYSIT YOUR CHILD !!

God only knows what she does with the kid while you are not looking.
At the very least, she will turn him against you - bank on it.

Many abused children bring back their own children in hopes that lousy parents will become wonderful grandparents - this is a serious mistake.

Cut off all interaction with this woman, she is a danger to you and to your child.

suzanne, I would recommend learning about personal boundaries and how to set and maintain them. Whether this is done through therapy with a counselor of some sort, reading self-help books, attending workshops, watching YouTube vids on the topic or all the above and whatever other method.

Having healthy personal boundaries for yourself will hopefully allow you to rework your relationship with your mom.

At first it's hard work creating and maintaining your personal boundaries (at least it was/is for me!) but it gets easier and the benefit will be far more reaching than a healthier relationship with your mom.

Read about the Karpmann Drama Triangle:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
http://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/
http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/
http://www.fortrefuge.com/Karpman-Drama-Triangle.php

This book is also really, really good:
http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-True/dp/0465012612/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366912650&sr=1-1&keywords=drama+of+the+gifted+child

And this one, too:
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366912671&sr=1-2&keywords=melody+beatty

And now, for some real motivation.
Think about where did your mother learn this behavior? Could it have been from her mother? Is that how her mom treated her and her siblings? Noodle on that a minute and then ask yourself this: by continuing to hand my power and autonomy over to my mom, what am I teaching my children? What are they going to learn about emotional stability and healthy interactions? How will they learn to be functional happy adults?

I am sure you are doing everything you can not to inflict this on your own children, but they see and hear. Would you rather they see you as Doormat Mom -- to whom they can lie, cheat, and manipulate to their own ends or would you rather they see you as Stands Up For Herself Mom who Takes No Crap™?

Also, I would cut her off for like a month. Take a mom-vacation. Call her up and tell her that you're going to be unavailable to her for a while and you two will sit down and have lunch and talk later. Then go do your homework, decide what your boundaries will be, practice with role playing, and then lay it out. She will ratchet up the manipulation at first. You must be strong, young padawan! Do it for your children, so they can enjoy their grandmother, she can enjoy them and the two of you can enjoy each other.

Take back your power now. Try the recommended reading -- all the books in this thread are good reads and very helpful. Counseling would be good too, as long as it isn't an LDS counselor who will advise you to be passive aggressive back. Don't fight fire with fire. Fight fire with a big fat bucket of water!



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2013 02:05PM by dogzilla.

oh gawd...
I didnt think of it like that. I dont want my son to see me as doormat mom. ugh. That is really important, the most important thing is that he has a good example in his parents.

But this is behavior that has been ingrained in me since I was born. I just dont know how to go cold turkey. How do I even start? Im so... overwhelmed, while at the same time I feel horrible and sick about my relationship with my mom.

I will read. I reserved 3 books at the library.

You've already started! You've come here asking for help.

Do the reading. Re-read this thread and decide which of the advice rings most true to you. Make a plan and even write it down on paper. Find a counselor. Follow the steps of your plan, one step at a time. Show the plan to the counselor -- maybe she or he will help you write out the plan and will help you keep on track.

Asking for help is the first step. Most of us have been there. We're here for you.

suzanne Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I know that I allow her to have this control. I
> have tried to break the pattern, but it is just so
> uncomfortable for me to have disharmony in that
> relationship. I really dont know what to do to
> make this better. To not lose my mom for good, but
> to be able to handle her constant cricitism with
> just a shrug. help?

My $.02 - I think it is time to look inside and ask yourself what is the reason it is so uncomfortable to have have this disharmony with your mother? When you can answer that question you can then start to figure out how to solve the problem.

I have thought about this and I have no clue beyond not wanting my mom to be upset with me. First born syndrome? I dont know?

but I DO have extra guilt lately since I told her I left the church. Because I did that one thing that hurt her so much, now I have to make it up to her?

I sound stupid.

> I sound stupid.


No you don't. Not at all.

She enjoys hurting you, and wiping her feet on you. Enjoys it.

Just a guess here, but I think she has no clue what she is doing to you. It's a long pattern of behavior that she uses that has never been challenged. Something form her childhood, or some experience has given her license this behavior in her mind.

Pointing it out to her won't get through to her.

For some reason, she has a sense of entitlement to respond anyway she wants.

You would probably benefit with some counseling on how to deal with this kind of emotional manipulation.

The first think to do to change the level of power is for you to take your power back and own it. Remind yourself that nothing she says or does is about you, it's about her. Refuse to take it personally even if she gets personal.
That's part of owning your own power.

I've worked on this principle for years:

From a recent Oprah show:


Agreement #2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.



Question: The second agreement, “Don’t take anything personally,” is the agreement I really want to master in my life, but I can’t see how someone’s criticism of me is not personal. If my boss says something that really hurts my feelings, how can you say this isn’t personal or that it’s not about me?

don Miguel: I want you to imagine that one day you wake up and find yourself in Europe during the Middle Ages. Imagine what these people believe about everything — about religion, science, medicine. You see people suffering because their lives are ruled by superstition; they live in constant fear because of the lies they believe. There are people who don’t bathe for months because it is a sin. Imagine the moral judgments of that society: what is right, what is wrong, what they believe is right or wrong.

Put yourself in that place, just for a moment. It is obvious to you that the social, moral, and religious rules of that time are based on lies, but for them it’s not that obvious. Knowing what you know, and knowing what they believe, are you really going to take personally what they say to you, what they believe, the way they judge you? Are you really going to feel emotionally hurt for the judgments they have about you when you know the way they dream?

Response: Well, I guess that’s true, but I would also understand that these people have a different worldview.


Read more:
http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/How-to-Live-The-Four-Agreements-QA-with-don-Miguel-Ruiz/2#ixzz2RV82zlS0

My mother said "I've failed as a mother" when I told her I was taking a break from church (10 years ago....). She started to cry and kept asking what she did wrong, why I was doing this to her and I replied "Mom, this isn't really about you". It shut her up good.

You're on the right track -reading, considering your own children, etc.. You are not responsible for her feelings or her behavior no matter how much she wants you to believe it. It's not your job to make everything all right, and never was. She is the mother, and it was her job to mother you - not your job to mother her.

You can do this. You don't have to cut her out completely, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. You deserve better.

She knows exactly what she's doing to you. She's getting her way at all costs with a tax on your emotional stability.
Emotional vampires get their kicks this way. Do you not catch a little gleam of satisfaction in her eye when she has transferred her "misery" to you and gotten her way? I know that gleam first hand.

My mother - literally on her death bed, "You broke my heart."

My response, "And I'd do it again."

My life's work is not to make my parent's happy. They had traveled a ways down their lives' paths before I was even born. I can't fix their choices only work on my own.

(BTW - I broke her heart because I left home, 25 years earlier, and she was still mad at me for it.)

There are a series of these sort of conversations with my Mom. They're not conversations as much as my stopping her before she can say any more.

We talked a lot and pleasantly, and we heard out each others rants and problems throughout our lives. But when I was 20 my husband told me I had to draw a line. She can't live through us. She doesn't get to guide our lives. My mom had an agenda, but the problem with this agenda it was about achieving HER happiness not mine. (Seriously she had some weird fantasy about breaking up my marriage and me and my children living with her and we would be her second chance family. She tried to figure out manipulations to get my kids to wind up in her basement attending the U of U, instead of where they really wanted to go. Took me a few years to piece all the clues together.)

As much as she knew my buttons, I knew hers. Conversation stoppers:

"No one who raised XXXX gets to have an opinion on parenting."

"With your marriage who are you to give advice?"

"Well maybe if I had better role models growing up . . ."

Yes these are awful things to say, but I made up my mind that I'm okay with being an awful daughter now and then to protect my life. The fact that my husband and kids love me - more than makes up for it.

Add: Beware of depending on her. I had to say NO to financial help and babysitting while I was going to school because now she can create a problem by suddenly withdrawing it.

Add Again: While I had a pretty good relationship with my Mom, there's no having a relationship with my Dad. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder. He is so self involved that he doesn't know me well enough to play a mind game on me.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2013 03:40PM by crom.