Background: I am the lone exmo in my family; parents and siblings are all as TBM as could be. My family has been great....minimal preaching at me even when I first left and absolutely zero preaching at me now that they've had time to adjust to the idea that I have left church and will not be coming back. They have turned out to support my kids at some of the activities they are engaged in (sports, performances, etc.) I have tried to reciprocate and support their kids. I want to keep our relationship on a two-way street of respect as it is now.

My sister called and left a voicemail that they would like me to come to her 8-year-old son's baptism. The time overlaps a sporting event my son will be playing in. He plays multiple games per week so it's not like if I miss one there won't be others to watch, but I do want to be there to support my son at his game (some of these are high-pressure situations and I think it helps him to have a good cheering section....and besides it's fun to watch him play). But I realize my nephew will only be getting baptized once and it is something that is important to his parents regardless of how my personal opinion of baptizing kids into the mormon church differs from theirs. I have no interest at all in "making a statement" or enlightening this 8-year-old child on my views of the church his parents are raising him in. My sister and her husband have not tried to butt in and raise my kids mormon for me so I feel more than good about staying out of their parenting space.

Is it unforgivably rude to decline the baptism invitation in order to attend my son's game when I will have many chances to see my son play in other games, or is it understandable that I would put my son's schedule ahead of my nephew's even though my nephew is doing a once-in-a-lifetime milestone?

Have you asked your son about it? If he's cool with you missing the game, go to the baptism. If he really wants you there, enough for you to miss the baptism, then support him.

It depends. Would you rather disappoint your son by missing that truly excellent play he might pull off, or tick off your sister over something you don't believe in? If your son pulls the play of the century and you miss it for a bogus church thingy, you'll never forgive yourself.

I think you can decline viewing ordinances in general, whether you have other plans or not. Tell her you would be uncomfortable and leave it that.

IMO your kids and family come first. My brother who is "less-active" hasn't come to anything church related for any of my kids and though at the time I felt bad my husband and I respected him for sticking to his beliefs.Now that I'm out I feel relieved knowing that someone blazed the trail for me.

than showing up for a mormon ritual for another child.

Being present at an event demonstrates a level of support for it. I'd rather use my time to cheer activities I care about.

You could talk to the mormon child and let him know you like him and hope the event goes well, then you could go to any family follow-up events if possible. Sending a birthday greeting might be nice.

There is very little between my DW and me that has generated strife since we both left. We generally agree on most everything to do with TSCC. But attending grand-kids' baptisms has been one area of disagreement.

She wants to be there to "support" the grand-kids on a very important day for them. But I absolutely refuse to go.

My reasoning is that I would not go to a Scientologist induction ceremony, so why should I go to an LDS baptism, which I believe to be only slightly less cultish?

She goes, I do not.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2013 11:56AM by left4good.

I would just go to the after party. Usually they have some kind of "reception" to mingle and eat. Just had two nieces on my husbands side have mission farewells. He didn't attend church but did go to the luncheon after and that seemed to be received well.

Personally nobody expect me to go now which is nice because I don't want to have to step foot in that church, until I actually have no choice (like a funeral)

It's really up to you though. If it's not a big deal to go, go. But my experience is "they" are always looking for a way to pull you in whether it's through their kids are some other way.

It's not unreasonable to decline the baptismal invitation to be there for your son's game.

You have a family of your own, and they come first.

I would go to the game instead of the baptism.

A couple years ago, I happened to be on a business trip, passing through the town where my brother lives. His son had a baseball game that evening so I included that into my schedule. His parents were too busy with church activities to make it until half way through the game. I was the only family there to see, and get photos, of the one run home he had in the game.

"Obligated"? No.

Here's a different spin. What if they were Jewish and it was his bar mitzvah instead?

That's not at all comparable.

Jewish parties are fun!

;-P

You are not obligated to go. What do you want to do? If you want to go (for whatever reasons) then go. If you want to go to your sons game, then go to that. This is not a make it or break it situation.

Ask your son how he feels. Go to the after party. Maybe even get your nephew a small present like candy or something. There are ways you can be supportive of your extended family without going to a baptizm.

"Supporting" someone usually just means indulging their self-importance. Can your nephew be successfully baptized without your loving presence? Sure. But this isn't really about him. It's about your sister having her ego stroked. "Oh look, I am so loved and wonderful that people will abandon their plans and come when I call."

In healthy social situations, reciprocity involves inviting each other to things they would ENJOY, at their convenience, not trading onerous obligations.

"I went to your brat's stupid ball game, so now you have to come to my cult ceremony."

"Okay, but you'll be obligated to 'support' me at my multi-level marketing seminar."

I think this can be a teaching moment for your son about how we do our best to be supportive of loved ones and family even if we can't be everywhere all the time.

I would use this angle:
Since you have many, many opportunities to support him, and he knows how he likes to have your support, it's important, to be generous and be supportive of others when we can.

No obligation, of course. An act of support, yes.

And work in attendance at the game if at all possible even for a few minutes.

That's how I would handle it.

I don't think your obligated, but if your really feeling undecided, ask the magic 8 ball.

I don't think you are "obligated" but I think it would be the best choice for family relationships to attend the baptism.

Go to the game and afterwards, you and your son go to celebrate with your nephew.

I sat through a three hour tri-lingual mass for my friend's baptism. It sucked, but I wanted to support her.

How close are you to this family member? Would the child be happy if you were there? Would it strain adult relationships if you weren't? Would your son be upset if you missed his game?

Put the shoe on the other foot. Ask yourself how you would feel if your sister didn't attend a "big" event for your son because her son had a sporting event.
You can show support to the person without having to endorse the event.

Son trumps nephew.

Most TBM's will skip a non-churchy family event because they have to clean their church, or go to the temple, or go to a meeting, etc.

I see nothing wrong with simply telling them you have another committment and can't make the pool party for your nephew.

They would likely do the same if you invited them to your son's game, but they had janitor duty that day at the chapel.

If this is a sister with whom you have a good relationship, I would go to the baptism. Using the explanation that you don't want to miss one of your kid's games, which you said you go to often, will likely be hurtful even if she never says anything, and even if she says she totally understands. You're son will certainly understand if you miss one game.

My best friend (nevermo who knew me in both inactive and semi-active periods) refused the invitation to our baby's blessing (the baby that almost killed me and almost died himself). It hurt my feelings and I had to try hard not to dwell on it. I didn't see it any differently than a Catholic Christening, and I think of baptism in TSCC the same way. This is something that is special to them, and they are inviting you to share that time with them.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/25/2013 04:16PM by eyesopen.

If you are going to your son's sporting events several times a week, a would skip one and go to the baptism.

I was on three varsity teams in high school and I would have killed to have had a family member at even *ONE* meet during that entire time. My father was dead, my mother was seriously ill, and my brother with whom I was living was too busy. :-(

Your son will be okay. Trust me.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you are going to your son's sporting events
> several times a week, a would skip one and go to
> the baptism.
>
> I was on three varsity teams in high school and I
> would have killed to have had a family member at
> even *ONE* meet during that entire time. My father
> was dead, my mother was seriously ill, and my
> brother with whom I was living was too busy. :-(
>
> Your son will be okay. Trust me.

And I respectfully disagree. As someone whose extracurricular activities were ignored in favor of my brother's (except for one time when my activity was in the same town as my brother's ... and then my folks hurried away because "your brother needs our support"), suffice it to say that being told by your parent that another kid's activity is more important than the one that is dear to you is pretty effing painful.

I have a rule about invitations...they always can be politely declined with no explanation required.

I would never put anyone's son or daughter above my own....and since you are thinking the LDS faith is not good for you or anyone, why would you go? Give him a gift and say you know the day was important to him ( or his parents ) but you had other family obligations. Hope he enjoys your gift.

can anyone here remember who attended their baptism?

It was just Dad and me, plus kids and dads from other wards. The mothers had household chores to do and other kids to look after.

But that was back in the days before baptisms were turned into social events. They were rather perfunctory things.

I don't remember who was at mine, but I would bet my parents remember. A child baptism, like Stray Mutt said, is about filling a need/want the parents have. I'm pretty sure my nephew, given the choice, would rather have a token birthday gift rather than my presence at the baptism (We're a huge family so nieces and nephews get nothing more than a "happy birthday" and a smile.) It's my sister and BIL's feelings I'm concerned about. Early on after my exit, a family get-together morphed into a preaching session at me. This particular sister was quiet during it and didn't preach. She called me the next day and asked if she could come over and talk to me, saying she'd feel better if it was in person than over the phone. I somewhat warily agreed. What she wanted was to apologize to me for the family as a whole disrespecting me with their comments and to apologize that she hadn't spoken up at the time in my defense. It was soon after that pretty much all family preaching stopped.....I don't know if she said something to the rest of them or not, but I really appreciated her making our family tie about more than my personal choices about religion being different from the rest of them.

A baptism would be somewhat uncomfortable for me to attend even without the scheduling conflict, but not a big enough deal that I could not handle sitting through it. It really is just that my loyalties lie with my son and I want to be at the game. This sister, however, does tend to be pretty sensitive and get her feelings hurt easily, though she isn't one to tell you outright that she was hurt.

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I only remember not wanting to get baptized, thinking it was a waste of my get out of jail free card too early in life. And the mud squishing between my toes. I know that my dad baptized me, but I have no recollection of it, or anyone being there, only the mud.