I am concerned. I think my 18yr old is partying on the weekends. When she comes home she looks hungover to me. I have told her I was concerned and that she can come to me to talk about whatever is going on but she denies that anything like partying is happening. I'm not sure whether I believe her but I am trying to provide a safe place for her to talk about it. She always misses at least one class or day of school each week and Mondays seem to be the most common day for her to miss. I thinks he is still hungover. She is usually basically a good kid. She will always have a near failing grade but seems to pull it up at the last minute before report cards.

I am finding it difficult to draw that line between being an understanding parent and being a hardass. I don't want to be too much of a softie, but I don't want to be one of those authoritarian parents whose kids have no choice but to rebel and they end up destroying their relationship with the kid in the process.

I don't know if this is a typical teen rebellion thing, typical teen experimenting or something more serious? How can I be sure if she doesn't or won't talk to me about it? Have any of you had to deal with this with your teens? What worked for you?

... Kill them. Kill them all!

Timothy

My daughter and the school counselors tried everything to get him to finish the last semester of his Senior year, to no avail.

You can only do so much to 'guide' an 18 year old. She may have to face the logical consequences, as my grandson did. Kids have a lot of outside pressures nowadays. With all the world events, they may be feeling like what's the use of planning for a future, anyway.

Just try to keep open the channels of communication, and let her know that you love her, and will help her when she asks.

My oldest did that after HS (I assume your child is still in HS). His summer o' fun lasted three long years. I told him repeatedly that he had to get away from the pack of n'er do good wolves he ran with. Then escalated it to "get the fuck out of here and do something constructive". He finally had a HS friend who had moved to Florida tell him to get off his ass and get away from that environment.

He finally did that, got a real job, later enlisted and is now headed to the White House Communications Agency as a Staff Sergeant.

Just sayin'...

Ron

I had three kids that did that. Stabbed all of them and buried them in my rose garden.

j/k

:)

Woo whoo! That gives me hope :)

It seems to me that as a parent, if you don't know what she is doing on the weekends and she won't tell you, it can't be any good. Missing school and suffering grades are sure signs of big problems. In my extended family a practice for kids who are wayward or have no direction was to send them away to another relative for several months. Getting them away from friends and other influences can restart their lives on a better path. Sending her to someone that she knows, likes, and trusts of course makes it somewhat pallettable (sp?) but it is not a choice. The problem in your case though, is she is 18, and I think can do whatever she wants. So if it is that bad, it is either go live with Aunt X or get out. I don't know if it is that bad. I have had two nieces come live with me for 4-6 months and it did wonders. I had a young brother-in-law go live with an adult cousins family in a different state, and he stayed in the area, started a new business and has been there 15 years.

Just an idea.

Finance Clerk Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It seems to me that as a parent, if you don't know
> what she is doing on the weekends and she won't
> tell you, it can't be any good. Missing school and
> suffering grades are sure signs of big problems.
> In my extended family a practice for kids who are
> wayward or have no direction was to send them away
> to another relative for several months. Getting
> them away from friends and other influences can
> restart their lives on a better path. Sending her
> to someone that she knows, likes, and trusts of
> course makes it somewhat pallettable (sp?) but it
> is not a choice. The problem in your case though,
> is she is 18, and I think can do whatever she
> wants. So if it is that bad, it is either go live
> with Aunt X or get out. I don't know if it is that
> bad. I have had two nieces come live with me for
> 4-6 months and it did wonders. I had a young
> brother-in-law go live with an adult cousins
> family in a different state, and he stayed in the
> area, started a new business and has been there 15
> years.
>
> Just an idea.


Unfortunately that's not really an option. My parents have passed away and my sister doesn't have room or the patience for a teenager. My husbands siblings are not a good influence themselves. And yeah, she's 18 so I can't really force it, she would probably just move out with her boyfriend. :(

My oldest did that also. He finally took the equivalency test and enlisted in the Marines. Boy was he shocked but it turned him around and now he is employed, married and a great guy.

I have four children ages 30,23,20 and 13 yr old. With the older 3 i went though alot of what you are in stuggling with being and overbearing parent. Taught me alot and things are alot different with my 13 yr old.
The older ones are doing well, but there were alot of things that happened that i should have handled very diffrently.

My advice would be: Set limits, a curfew, that she has to attend school, what ever else are the issues. Then if she doesnt follow this.....if you pay car expenses, insurance, give her money for blowing.....cut it off... provide her with only her basic needs (food,clothing,shelter,love). If she choose to go live with her boyfriend, she is going to learn real fast just how hard things are out there. It wont be easy, she made get mad, but in years to come she will thankyou

First, I would have a talk with her about never getting in a car with someone who has had a lot to drink or otherwise imbibe. Tell her that she can call at any time and you will come to get her, no questions asked.

I would cut off her allowance completely for missing classes, missing school, sleeping in class, not turning in homework, etc. That's her job, and if she's not fulfilling it, she doesn't get "paid."

If she wants to get a part-time job, fine. She would soon discover that irresponsibility has real-world consequences. Or conversely, she just might rise to the occasion and do well with it.

I agree with Summer. I raised my son to accept school as his job. He was paid a good allowance, with bonuses for top grades on report cards. He rose to the challenge and is now a university student.

I agree with you Summer. I've had that talk with her countless times and I remind her every time she goes out. I hope it's sinking in. It's hard to tell sometimes with teenagers.

Her job is school and this morning I talked with her about that. We don't give an allowance per say, but I told her we pay for cell phones and hand out money for entertainment etc and that it would be cut off just like she didn't show up for work. It's hard when they are older and you don't have quite as much leverage.

I think you might be able to set up the service so that it's limited to just calls between you and her. I remember a family member of mine mentioning that he did that with his daughter.

You might consider giving her a regualar allowance, even if it's not huge. It would teach her budgeting skills, and would give her regular feedback on her classroom performance if you withheld it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/14/2011 10:29PM by summer.

That's funny - I don't care who you are!

If she is smart enough to miss school, have failing grades and catch up quickly, she is smart enough to figure out the pros and cons of her actions with minimal input from you. Does she work? Does she miss days there? If she doesn't have a job, encourage her to get one so that she can have an outside influence that way.
If that isn't an option, small things, like the cell phone accessibility and $$ when she wants it being withheld will make her think. You are her best advocate, stand firm! Would she take some time to go to the mall or someplace special with you for some one-on-one time?
You are reaching the point that she wants to be an adult and be treated as an adult, although she doesn't really know what that all means. Encouraging a job as well as the regular attendance of school will limit her time with those that influence her to the destructive behavior that you describe.
My now 21 year-old daughter chose 18 to move out, without enough resources to do so. She also chose to do things that she knew that I would not approve of. A few months ago it occurred to her that the world she was living in was not the world she wanted to be a part of and now she is working more, partying less and communication with family has become more regular and truthful.
Hope to hear you have success with your relationship with your daughter. She is basically an adult and your relationship with her is now on that plane.