Divorce is ALWAYS a logistical nightmare -- don't use the fear of it to keep you in an unhealthy situation.

Your spouse is cold, callous, and controlling -- and this is a dreadful environment for your children.

It won't be easy but in my experience ending your marriage will be far better for your children. You do not want them to grow up thinking your husband's behavior is acceptable or that women have to put up with it.

Please see a good counselor, check into domestic violence programs (this is emotional abuse) and, most of all, get yourself into a position to support yourself and your children and remove the parasite from your life.

Please, you owe it to yourself and your children.

Thank you, Rebeckah. I appreciate everyone's advice and support on this. Sometimes we know what we need to do but it takes a push or nudge from an outsider to really get us moving in the right direction.

I won't pretend it's easy but I encourage you to use your resources here too. This place is a great source of support too.

Wishing you and your children the best.

Thanks, I needed someone to point this out.

I am going through divorce and resignation at the same time, and experiencing the full rath of my "family".

I thought I could do this on my own, but it is harder on me than I thought.

What can I do to help?

You need an ear?

Rebeckah Wrote:
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> What can I do to help?
>
> You need an ear?


Thanks, I will talk to the EAP on Monday.

Just remember, you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Just wanted to inject a little humor since it must be pretty gloomy dealing with one of life's disasters (divorce from spouse and church) without the support of blood family. Coming to RfM is the only support some of us have. We want to make it a little easier for you if we can.

I've been saying this all day..frustrating when some ppl kept posting things about staying in such an abusive and ugly situation, yes pls do find some help and support through professionals :)

If anyone claims that they can't love a person because their religious beliefs have changed, they a) are full of crape and b) never truly loved you to begin with. It sounds to me like your husband is trying to emotionally strong arm you into getting back in line - no doubt he thinks that since you are a woman, you will fold like a cheap church chair. Don't let him bully you. If he wants to sling big talk around, it is time for you to bring in the big guns. Contact a divorce attorney and let your husband know that you won't stay in a loveless marriage.

Anon4this, I know how hard this is, and I really don't know the full dynamics, but my husband dropped a bomb on me one day that he was going to divorce me when the kids were older, and this was after marriage counseling and I thought we were on the up and up. I agree with CA Girl, and you need to work your way out of this, but be prepared to leave right now if you have to. Have you been abandoned by your Mormon family too, do you have a support system?

No support system - the family is all very TBM and support him entirely, viewing him as the poor martyr.

And there ya' go for Mormon and family values. Another fine example.

Everything went down this morning, so it's really emotional right now. I'm thinking play nice, go with the flow the same way as you have been doing. As long as you and your children are not in harm, play the game and walk the walk, get some education and training and employment and exit stage left as fast as possible. Know crisis numbers, hit a shelter as fast as you need it, if you need it. I had family to help. I'm a nevermo, so at least on one-half, me being the evil bitch of non-believing Mormon didn't matter, and I had some support.

Mormon just shits all over everything.

To the OP: I am so sorry. Your situation sounds horrible.

As a life-long single, I've always said that there are worse things in life than being on your own. Your situation sounds like it is worse.

Sometimes things get rougher before they get better. Act in your own best interest.

Thats why you find your support through non lds..plenty of groups out there, that will put you first, I have been single for 9 yrs..I am raising my 14 yr old alone and no child support..a non lds issue as i was just a silly convert for less than 2 yrs...summer is correct there is alot worse in life than being single and on your own. I would never give up my freedom..I live life on my terms..I just know you will find so much support and make new friends too :) We are always here for you

I have worked so hard to make it work. I am 60. It is so clear that I would be better off alone now. My once good retirement is gone to try to make it work. He has only gotten meaner and more irresponsible. How could I be so stupid?

I think sometimes we just have a lot of hope that things will get better. Not necessarily stupidity. I believe it really is "never too late."

60 is the new 40!!...and it is "never too late" to be happy!..and the word stupid is for him! Not you :)

I've been thinking about you all weekend. One of those moments I wish I was a magic fairy....

Meanwhile, your husband is really in deep with the magical world of mormonsism. Where his self worth is defined by his church role. Where you are created from his body to be a helpmeet unto him as he follows christ righteously. His world has gone to hell now that you won't bow your head obediently.

It has been two years. It appears he is incapable of seeing things from any other perspective. I'm imagining it is almost like he has become even more inflexible - you are wrong, he is right and now he's becoming embarrassed by his inability to keep you in line, hence the ultimatums.

What concerns me the most, is that your behavior is linked to his self worth. When you are not feeding his ego with your obedient and molly behavior, he feels like he is a failure personally and by his lds culture. What is going to happen if the children follow their mother? They will also be bullied and told they are less than.

This is going to happen whether you stick it out, or you don't. How closely do you want to watch this happen to yourself and them? You really won't be able to grow wings and fly if you are trapped in the cocoon of his making. I totally understand the need to figure out a plan. I was in a situation years ago that necessitated creation of the escape route. I just hope your route does not require a long stay together. I think the advice to retain the best lawyer possible is also very important.

You've given it time. I'm sorry you don't have local support and family support. You do have my support, for what it is worth. Keep us updated. You are stronger than you realize. Once you are out, you will realize how limited his power is.

Thank you. Deep down I know what I need to do but there are a lot of complications that definitely necessitate a careful plan. I am also reeling because I genuinely thought we could work past this and it suddenly seems as though many, many years of my life were completely wasted.

Not wasted. You are learning a lot about yourself, religious abuse, and the world outside of Mormonism. You are maturing, growing and learning to take risks. You are becoming stronger, smarter, and wiser. It's not all bad and your life has many more chapters to it. But don't try to be strong all alone. Just be smart about who you trust and who you lean on.

And don't forget that you need to make this life wrenching change for yourself first, but also for your children. This father is teaching by his example very unhealthy behaviors. The farther you can remove them from him the better. Of course, you won't be able to completely separate them from him but once they can see a different way of living and be around more normal people it will help them make better choices too.

A quote I love is, "Life is about being and becoming, not about having and getting." It was spoken by a woman who had five unsuccessful marriages but was very famous, beautiful, and successful in her own right. You will be "becoming" until the day you die.

When I was divorced it was like multiple Tsunamis hit me. But in hindsight and because of miitary training (remember you are going into an emotional battlefield) I handled it extremely well - - SO, BE or GET PREPARED NOW .!!!

*BE PREPARED
1. Get a source of revenue lined up --Money, Job, Skills,
2. Get a "bolt hole" A place which is *Safe, Warm and Dry*
3. Expect no one to be on your side. TBM's have a habit of prostlizing people to be on their side,even your old friends.
4. Eat healthy and take extra multi-vitamins, (my never sick immune system dropped to less than 46% efficiency) .
5. Lots of sleep and hot baths and exercise.
6. Get lots of alternative, time consuming things to do, sport, hobbies, charity work.
7. Take short "day trips" to places you have never visited. Find a new cafe or restaurant. Try new food.

GIVE YOUR MIND NEW THINGS TO ABSORB!!!

Wishing you well, but like the old joke states
*** A DIVORCE IS LIKE A PLANE CRASH -- ANY CRASH YOU CAN WALK AWAY FROM A LITTLE SHOOK UP BUT WITH NO BROKEN BONES --IS A GOOD ONE*** .

Jb