I was thinking this weekend about what it was like to grow up LDS, in AZ, and visiting the mesa temple and doing scouts and having the little tribe in the local ward building and all that jazz.

There was this little twinge of something that I couldn't quite place my finger on, but I think it had to do with losing my tribe. I mean, I'd spent my whole childhood being a part of the special people, the chosen generation, the true church. And that made me feel great.

So when I look back now on my mission and think of all the testifying and preaching and teaching and what-not that I did, all the walking and biking and tracting, I don't actually think it was out of loyalty to truth or god or jesus or joseph smith. I think it really had to do with this primal urge to defend the tribe.

I think missionary work fulfilled some primal instinct to ensure the success of my tribe. And if I had been born Jehova's witness, or evangelical christian, or muslim, I would have worked with equal zeal because a tribe is a tribe is a tribe.

I'm really wondering now if I ever believed any of it or if I just learned to play along so well as a kid in primary that I even convinced myself I believed it. Hmm...

Living in Utah. Many in my father's family were questionable!?! My dad was never all that active. I thought I had to live it or go to hell, I would immediately become deviant (wonder why my relatives weren't).

I was always uncomfortable with the fanatics. My mother had a lot of friends who were fanatical mormons. Then when I went to the temple, I was concerned that that is how the CK would be. All along, there was always this nagging feeling.

What always surprises me is how many people can be supposedly believers and not live it. My nonmo boyfriend is working here in Cache Valley. The other engineers he works with--all are mormon. Of 9, 7 drink coffee and beer. They make sure they get coffee at work as they can't drink it at home--but are "active" mormon.

I wasnt bic but i came to realize that converts come to embrace the belief. Many times, closing our eyes to facts. As a utah resident i can tell that here, the church plays so many roles and it is embeded in politics, culture and daily live. It is the pride of the utahns. Temple square is the greatest attraction around here.
There is also the pioneers heritance, there are so many clubs and festivals celebrating the pioneers, but sometimes it makes ne sick how far they go with that. I know there where a lot of brave and good people among them but i dont see a single drop of that spirit around here.
Anyway, in short, utah mormonism is the same as traditions and culture.

I really like the tribe analogy. Definitely think that's how it was for me. Loved my tribe, loyalty, tribe pride. Always acted like a TBM, but deep down I never felt like I received a testimony of the BOM or of Joseph Smith. But of course that was just proof that I was somehow lacking.
I believe everyone has a desire to fit in with, or be part of something special. The church seems to offer that. SEEMS to. But once inside its really a dysfunctional family programmed to make you feel constantly guilty and always lacking. And the pressure to SEEM as though all is perfect, so as to prove how wonderful it really all is.

Man the church is such a head game.

Everyone in the family and the church kept telling me the church was true. I figured they knew what they were talking about, so I went along. I went through a period of really trying to get a testimony. All I got were some emotions that were identical to how I felt when my high school football team won the state championship or when I watched a tear-jerker movie. But I plodded along in the church. On my mission, though, I got caught in that proselytizing trap and testified of all sorts of things I wasn't actually sure about.

As for the tribe thing, my lack of testimony made me feel like I wasn't really part of it. Besides, there were things outside the church that interested me. My family was also strange. We were emotionally distant. Our relationships with each other was more like coworkers. And the people in the church never felt like my true community. So I lost no sense of tribe when I left the church. I found my tribe elsewhere.

My family was actually "mormon royalty" though I never knew that until I came to this board. We weren't treated like royalty. My dad wasn't very active. My mother was socially awkward (raised by 2 deaf parents.) We were treated shabbily. I had 3 of 6 siblings leave in their teens.

I never had a testimony of Joseph Smith or the BofM. I didn't really try very hard at it. I had a testimony of Jesus Christ and God. I didn't realize I was required to worship JS like they worship these days. I was so clueless about that fact that I had no idea Praise to the Man was about JS. I was good and am good at compartmentalizing.

I was extremely devout, so I wonder how those things just slipped by me or I didn't worry so much about them.

This was my problem all along, only it took me a long time to figure it out. From my multi-generational, BIC, living-in-Utah perspective, I thought I just "didn't have a testimony" and that placed the burden of guilt squarely on my shoulders. The moment I realized that the reason I didn't believe it wasn't because I was lacking in some way, but it was because *I didn't believe it*, was the moment I left TSCC.

I even wrote a novel about my missionary experience. The protagonist endured a lot of shit, and wound up with serious doubts, but at his homecoming decided he was part of the tribe and wanted to remain so. I never tried to publish the thing--probably just as well.

In-real-life-I-had-to-get-out-ly yrs,

S

I think you have hit on something. I know a Cache Valley resident who struck me as a rather odd duck. He didn't like practicing Mormonism overtly when he was out of Utah. I don't mean he drank coffee and slept around. Rather, he seemed very curious about other philosophies and wore garments that looked like t-shirts rather than the large neck, obvious garment tops. He worried about saying prayers in public and tried so hard to fit in with non Mormons and always latched onto the current fads in dress and speech . But when he was in Cache Valley he scowled at all the Mormon critical editorials in the newspaper and slapped backs with his Mormon politically correct buddies. I always saw a contradiction in the way he seemed to think when alone and the way he presented himself when he was with his hometown clan.

This guy has deep Mormon roots that he seems to be very proud of but seems embarrassed about being Mormon when he travels outside his comfort zone geography. He also hated his mission and seems to truly hate going to the east coast. (I've seen this from other TBM RM's who were obviously spat upon during their missions). He doesn't EVER criticize the church or the priesthood and becomes angry if anyone else does. Yet, there is something about him that seems to indicate he's not quite comfortable in his skin. I think this is all subconscious on his part but nonetheless it's there. And it may just be that his mission experiences caused this reaction because he was treated so badly out there. I think he's truly afraid to show he's a Mormon when he's around non Mormons.

Also from Arizona. As I look back now i think that I never believed the bullshit!

I don't think I did either. Well... between the ages of 0-10ish I sorta believed. As a teenager I tried and was distressed that I wasn't getting the same answer all the other members got when it came to moroni's challenge. I can't pinpoint the transition, but at some point between 12-18 I really started seeing that the church was a giant corporation, that callings were the equiv of climbing the corporate ladder. I was pro at the go along to get along game so no one had a clue how I really felt about the church.