When a Mormon says, "had a vision," they really mean, "pretended to have seen."

"going like a lamb to a slaughter," is really "brought a really cheap colt revolver knockoff to a gunfight and paid with ones life."

"fasting for 24 hours" means "I am going to skip breakfast."

"Sacred funds," equals "tax free investment capital."

"Milk before meat," should be "don't mention the idiotic things we believe that makes us look like idiots."

What are some of yours?

"I'd just want to bear my testimony" really means "hang on while I recite this to make me feel more spiritual"

"We are a persecuted church" really means "people make fun of us because our beliefs are fugging strange and we push them on people who don't care"

It 'sacred not secret' means you would fall on the floor laughing if we told you.

Shes a 'sweet spirit' Bring a brown paper bag to put over her.

'The Lords Annointed' Old white guys that have clawed their way to the top of a major corporation, leaving total destruction in their wake.

'Bearing of testimony' Testifying of 'witnessing' things that are contrived, concocted, and made up poorly.

A pepperbox pistol is nothing like a colt revolver.

True, and half the barrels misfired. Firearms have come a long way since then. I laugh when I hear apologists argue about whether JS just wounded some guys, or whether they died. In those days, even getting winged by a pistol ball could easily have been a death sentence. No antibiotics.

Yes, and no. The pepperbox did not function like a colt, but it was a response by its makers to the Colt. Shortly after the Colt revolver came out, single shot pistol sales died. Problem was, Colt had the patent on revolvers, and they were not sharing. So the pepperbox's creators simply put a bunch of barrels together on a rotating design, then sold that as their response to the Colt revolver. It was heavy, clumsy, and really only for people too cheap to buy a revolver.

Keeping the Sabbath holy = OMG so @#*&ing BORED!!!!!!!!!

Our worship is centered on Christ = hope you guys like hearing about sex, tithing, and Joseph.

I know the church is true = I know it makes me feel good and appeals to my pride, no matter what the evidence actually is.

Our worship is centered on Christ = Joseph "The Christ" Smith.

We are all about families = because they are the best tool we've found to manipulate members into bowing to our will.

I don't know where I'd be without the church = I can't think or reason or govern myself.

But Mormons are nice people = by our definition of nice and because we say we are nice, we demand to be thought of as nice, regardless of our actions.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/27/2013 03:42PM by CA girl.

We believe in the Son of God, even Jesus the Christ = we should lose our right to say the word "even"

"That's the spirit of contention!" = "Don't counter with facts when I blurt out another fugging stupid Mormon slogan."

My TBM mom's fave- "That's just Satan talking" meaning "Don't say anything or do anything funny, silly, or sarcastic.

I'm sorry you feel that way = No, I'm not sorry at all, ha ha ha. What would make you think that, you butt-hurt apostate?

The response I use when this comes up, "I feel this way, because I was treated this way."

"You can leave the Church but you can't leave it alone" means that they know why I left the Church.

"I feel inspired. . . ." means I can make up all sorts of shit and then tell you the God told me.

"I *know* the Church is true, etc." actually is a signal that the speaker is an idiot.

"You left because you were offended" equates to, whatever I hear in Church I will repeat.

We encourage you to exercise your free agency means; you can do whatever you want but if we don't like it we will make you suffer.

"Ask a Mormon" ~ We're looking for the last few people on earth who don't use internet and could possibly be brainwashed like we used to do it old school.

HAHAHAHA!!!! My vote for number 1!! Love it!

Omg...LOL!!! Winner!!!

"Strange and pecular people"="Well, aren't we just flipping STRANGE!?!?!?!" :)

"Oh God, hear the words of my mouth." = "Oh God, I can't believe I'm doing this."

It also means assinging mormons to pretend they care about and miss strangers who landed on impersonal ward lists through no fault of their own.

"Magnify your calling" = perform free labor, even if you don't want to or if it takes too much time away from family; and you'd better say "thank you" while you're at it

Joe Smith practiced *polygamy* is really ADULTERY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqG5skfZcrE

TEmple *endowment*
endowment typically means being given something.
MORmON temple initiates are given nothing of practical value and the church use the ruse as an excuse to set up their members to steal from them.

"Oh God, Hear the words of my mouth = Come out, come out, wherever you are Stan!

Hi,

"Encourage" or "strengthen" are euphemisms that mean threaten and use coercive force.

Steve

You all are both succinct and effing hilarious.