Alright, I'm trying to understand myself and how TSCC might have turned me into something very very weird. Honestly, most of this stuff I find very disturbing, but I feel like it's the only way for me to come to grips with what I was in the past.

I'll also mention that EVERYTHING I have listed below has since disappeared completely since I have left the church. Not a few of these things, but, everything.



Anyway, I want to ask, as a TBM, did you ever find yourself thinking, saying, or doing any of the following?


At school when my 9th grade English teacher was teaching, all I kept seeing was her naked. I didn't fancy her honestly as she wasn't very pretty nor was she young (40's), but I could never picture her normally.

Also at school I was incredibly edgy. I hit kids all the time when they were "acting childish".

I remember kids would laugh and play or whichever outside, and I'd usually sit on the curb, read a book or look for bugs to play with. I never liked furry animals nor did I like other kids or going outside.

When at church, whenever talking to one of my Bishops I would have this unmistakable urge to leap across the table and beat the living crap out of him. It was almost like a reflex and I constantly had to suppress it. I admit that I feel that way still, but at least now I understand why.

At home when my parents would talk to me, I (might be related to Tourettes) kept hearing "F***!, F*** YOU!, S***, Damn you to hell!, etc" for apparently no reason.

When at friends houses, the first thing I wanted to do was leave despite that I really do love and care about my friends. Also when talking to them, I'd feel my eye twitch all the time and I'd look like I'd was one of those psychotic (maybe I was) serial killers depicted in movies.

Also, when at church, I always wanted to burn the building down just to see if God was really protecting it. Same with the temple, I wanted to set fire to the temple to see if I would be stopped.

I never wanted friends, I just wanted to be alone wherever I went.

The only friends I like were all non members, and the only girls I was interested in were the ones with Tattoos, multiple piercings and dressed "immodestly". I constantly wanted to be around them, and they were my friends for the most part. Okay, that's not really weird I guess, but as a TBM I found it strange.

I was apathetic to anything dying or getting hurt. If something was hurt like a mouse in a mouse trap, I'd just step on it. Now it pains me to do anything of the sort.




*sigh*, I know some of this sounds very odd and even childish sometimes, but that's who I was as a TBM, even after I was a missionary. Now as an exmo I am very happily free of just about everything. I still have a thing for tattoos and earrings (which my wife doesn't have...:( ) but everything "weird" has gone. I have no urge to burn down things, I don't ever curse in my mind when talking to people, I love going outside and enjoying life, I have a bunch of friends and I am very happy. I guess you could say I am normal.

Sorry, winded post, wondering if any of you were "not normal" as a TBM?

That's fascinating. I'm going to have to put some thought into what I was like as a child. It was so long ago.

Well I was very shy, hated public speaking, am gay, and think logically. I was definately a square peg.

I'm an introvert. I don't get a thrill out of socializing the way they do in church, and of course I don't like public speaking. I can't remember ever getting much out of church that I don't already know, like be good to others, etc. All the rest was stupid dogma that did nothing but threaten my individuality.

this was highlighted even more than I wanted it to be by my TBM parents visit today. But I am also an introvert. I could care less if I have a handful of "real" friends hanging around me all the time. "Real" friends are nice but my life is also nice without going out a lot. I just don't need to and I don't want to. My TBM parents are EXTREMLY social though. They cannot stand to be alone. They CANNOT stand to stand still unless they are socializing, yapping on the phone, making plans, going to appointments. They want people around them 24/7. They are constantly going out and inviting people over. It comes down to having a preference. They don't understand that I don't want to be surrounded by random strangers all the time. I don't need it and I don't want it.

But that's how introverts are! Ugh, it's so frustrating.

I wish you had set fire to the temples (all of um).

For a long time I was filled with self-loathing & hatred because of the homosexual thoughts/desires I had. After 15 years of intense struggle, I gave up and figured I was irrevocably broken. I thought God would heal me at some point if i was uber-righteous. Denied the desires and continued dating women trying to find a wife.

What a frustrating time. Fortunately, I did not marry.

Also, I was somewhat judgmental at times. I didn't verbalize it much but it did affect my behavior in who I talked to and spent my time with. After losing my testimony of tscc, I all of a sudden thought everyone was cool and loved them all. It was so strange how fast it turned over. I suddenly became real comfortable hanging out with everyone. It was nice to like people. I think my neighbors noticed cause all of a sudden I would walk over to them when they were outside and talk forever.

I enjoy the flavor of coffee and was always trying to figure out in what forms I could acceptably consume it. This is SO stupid but I was so strange about this. I despaired of never eating Tiramisu. I ate it a couple times not realizing there is espresso poured right over it. Once i found out, I was pissed because had I remained ignorant I would have kept eating it. I enjoyed a cup of coffe, today. Quite good.

I think those are the main ones.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/04/2013 02:58AM by alphonso.

Let's imagine for a moment that you are a psychologist giving a test as part of your evaluation of a person. Would you give them the multiple choice test while giving them an indian burn on their arm?

Of course not. The pain would be distracting and they would be irritable when answering the questions.

Being overcontrolled in a fundamental setting is having a constant irritation to the natural urges of a human being. To seek out interesting, different people to see how they are and what they're like. NOPE. Gotta have all Mormon friends. Trying adult activities like drinking and sex, maybe experimenting with drugs. No, no and NO! Not only no, but rather have you come home in a pine box NO!

It made you crazy and it's a miracle you weren't ruined for life. It's a testament to the resiliency of the human spirit.

Now you look back with a little bit of horror at your childish coping mechanisms, but hey they worked, so don't be so hard on your childish self. It is not a crime in America to be a loner, or an introvert, even if you are a kid.

Glad everything worked out well for you!

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