Y'all know the backstory, right?

Spouse is now willing to go to marriage counseling, but admits they only have a little bit of hope for the relationship. Yes, this is progress, but I'm still reeling emotionally and not feeling strong and hopeful at all. They tell me to stop being so negative and fearful. I'm trying, I'm trying -- and not doing a very good job.

Am sitting here not able to sleep but with a ton of work to do tomorrow.

I recall how, as a TBM when my heart got broken, I used to pray and fast, and pray some more. I sometimes got the warm fuzzies and even felt better.

Now, I feel like there's nothing I can do and the person I love most doesn't really care.

And here I go being negative -- exactly what they told me to stop doing. Sigh...

I'm sorry. Sounds a lot like my situation as well.

Who is "they?" Because frankly not being negative doesn't sound like the best advice. Have you ever read anything on emotional intelligence? - It's pretty good stuff. Trying to repress and change your feelings and emotions is largely counterproductive. It then tends to explode out of you. Negative, difficult situations are negative and difficult - why pretend that they aren't. There is a time to work through those things.

With that said:

1) You do want to be careful with your self-talk and inner dialogue. Especially if you are putting yourself down. There are specific thought patterns that are unproductive and can unnecessarily bring you down, but a general "don't be so negative" is useless. There are some really good worksheets out there that can help you with this - ask your therapist.

2) One of the big ideas with emotional intelligence is you can't/shouldn't try to repress how you feel. However, how you feel does not dictate how you behave. You can feel miserable but behave in a way that is consistent with moving forward, or at least, not bogging yourself down completely.

Good luck. It's a tough spot. Hang in there. You will pull through.

Finally one more thought - that prayer and spiritual help you got - you can still find a way to tap into that sense of peace. You were ALWAYS tapping into your own personal strength and sense of peace. It's still there just like it always was.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2013 01:34AM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

I initially thought the OP may be you, but enough things didn't match that I realized it was close but someone else.

sorry you're feeling sad. Learning how to love yourself and be happy on your own is hard. I have learned the hard way that you can't depend on anyone else to love you but you. After you learn how to do that, things can only get better.

Why did you have to go and turn this into a masturbation thread?

(anonreg1 - I hope that at least made you crack a smile.)

lol I said "hard"

I've been where you are. It was one of the most difficult and heart breaking times of my life.

I don't know what the outcome will be for you. Nobody does. The one thing that helped me was to learn to focus on only one day. The day I was living. I stopped making ups scenarios for what may lie in the future. I didn't know. Day by day I gained more information. Each day I had to decide what to do with that information the next day. Other than that, I wouldn't let myself try to imagine what could be. I could only deal with what was.

I ended up in a divorce situation. My choice. That's not saying that you'll be the same. Everyone has their own path. That was the best path for me.

mia Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
The one thing that helped me was to
> learn to focus on only one day. The day I was
> living. I stopped making ups scenarios for what
> may lie in the future. I didn't know. Day by day I
> gained more information. Each day I had to decide
> what to do with that information the next day.
> Other than that, I wouldn't let myself try to
> imagine what could be. I could only deal with
> what was.

Great, practical advice.

This has been very helpful to me, too.

Hi. Just quick note before turning the light off myself. I just want to say that from my experience and knowledge of these things that as hard as it is for you right now, you will be ok. No matter how it turns out you will find happiness. and contentment again. You have so much uncertainty in you life right now that is really difficult, yet at some point you will have clarity.

I hope you will be able to sleep! Tomorrow will take care of itself, even if you just muddle through not exactly at your best.

Why not try again to sleep?

"They" is gender-neutral speak for the Spouse, who tells me I ought to be happy that he/she is still here and is willing to work on us, and chastised me for being negative and frowning at the news he/she had only a little hope for the relationship.

bc, that is good advice. I am having a tough time finding that inner sense of peace right now, but will keep working on it.

I would very much like to act in a positive way about moving forward with the relationship even though I'm discouraged by Spouse's words and actions. I feel like he/she (who is great at emotional repression and then exploding later) is judging my reactions because they're telling me I *shouldn't* feel so scared and negative and to just stop worrying about it.

Tupperwhere, you're right -- I need to learn to love myself. I feel like my actions are the reason we are where we are. Hard not to blame myself for the way Spouse is acting.

Oh my. I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship with your spouse is so tenuous.

Hang in there. You're more OK than you think.
Might I suggest you turn up that self confidence, self respect and take your power back?!!

Can you find the good, the fun, the happy in your life? Even just little tiny things, and focus on those? Might help.

I wish you the best.

when I was single, I ( thought I) felt lonely

then I got married and learned what loneliness really is / was

I realized that when I was single, I only thought I knew what loneliness was.

How true, Lucky. I was never more lonely than when I was married.

Anonymous OP--you be honest, and take a good, hard look at your spouse! Is he being abusive?

I probably never would have left my husband, even though he could be quite cruel, at the end. He was my best friend all through college and grad school, and through military separations, and through pregnancies and birth, and I was grateful to him for giving me such great children and such a beautiful life by the ocean. He also led us out of the cult. But gratitude isn't enough. Neither is guilt, nor blaming yourself. No one "should" stay married to someone who is physically and/or mentally abusive.

My divorce nearly killed me--I felt I had failed at "a woman's #1 purpose in life." I mourned for two years, until our son accidentally overheard something, put two and two together, and discovered that there had been another woman for the last 3 years of our marriage; in fact, my husband (the good little Mormon boy) had been a serial cheater since the second month of our marriage, and all through college. Duh, was I stupid. Not. He was just a good liar and cheater, and he devoted a lot of time and effort into that. I was good at other things.

Anyway, one morning I woke up, alone, wondering how I could raise and support my children by myself, thinking that no one would ever love me, and that I couldn't survive without a husband, when the "a-ha" moment came: IT WAS ALWAYS ME! I had created the beautiful life we had. I had bought our house by the ocean with the money I had saved, plus an inheritance. I had brought in half the income, taken care of bills and taxes, fixed up the house, landscaped the yard, pruned the trees, and, most important of all, I had been a good mother. In fact, my husband wasn't home much, and didn't go to any of the children's sports games or musical performances or school functions. Zero. He came and went as he pleased (I prided myself on not being a nag), cool and conceited in the sports cars his father gave him, scoping out his next conquests. When I had to tell the children that he had moved away, the younger ones said they didn't know him very well, anyway. He had left us long before he moved away.

Every relationship has its own story. When I found out about the other women, I was glad my husband had left, and I could feel my love for him drain out of me in a sudden rush. The worst was over.

Seriously, the challenges of providing for my children, education, career, a chronic incurable illness, a fiancee who died of a heart attack, were just my life challenges, that's all. Nothing was anyone's fault. We former Mormons seem to always need a strong dose of reality. Maybe you really don't want to live with your idiot spouse anymore.

I can fast forward, and I wish you could, too, right now. It is true that you will be all right! I'm happier than I've ever been! The advice to live in day-tight compartments is good advice. With my children around, and a good career, and tons of good fortune, I have laughed almost every day. At least once. If you don't have hilarious children, you can read the funnies, watch a comedy, feed the birds and squirrels, pay attention to your pet, people-watch at the mall, the park, the golf course, (really funny).

I agree with the poster who said that all this time you have been praying to your self, your own strength and comfort. IT IS ALL YOU.

I think that your spouse needs to quit telling you how to feel. Your feelings are your own.

Control, control, control.

How can you tell someone to feel something they don't feel? He created your pain, and now he blames you for feeling it. That's two forms of abuse for the price of one.

I wish I could give you the strength to turn to the spouse and say, "You are damn lucky to have me. If you don't see that, then you can leave."

I wish I had been that strong. Call their bluff. See how they really feel. They have all the power right now.

Alone isn't so bad. I got to a point that I relished it--and still do. I was alone for 9 years when my old boyfriend came back into the picture. I still like being alone. He is nice to have around, BUT . . . One thing I can say is that I did learn in THIS relationship that I have value. I didn't like how he was treating me for a while. When my parents both died, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I realized my value and that I don't need some man in my life to feel valuable and if he couldn't treat me right, then he didn't deserve me. It changed everything. I stand up for myself now. I demand respect from him.

You deserve to be respected. TRY to not let him treat you this way. You DESERVE BETTER.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/08/2013 10:17AM by cl2.

Wow -- the individual and collective wisdom and strength on this board is an incredible gift. Thank you all so much.