I've been one of those hardcore super strict Mormon types right up until the day I "renounced" my testimony and left permanently. I never did anything "bad" and was the uber TBM that always thought good thoughts, or at least tried to. I stayed late to clean up the ward, I helped widows in need, I always drove people around for activities, etc, I was the outstanding member in my ward. People always used me as examples of what a good member should be like in talks and Sunday school lessons.



But it's all bull, and I feel like I have been cheated out of having a very fun "Mormon life".

So, if I were born as a Mormon again and had to "waste" my teenager years again, I'd go wild and have fun.

I'd make Sunday school uncomfortable by challenging the doctrines and asking for proof.

I'd never pay tithing and opening admits to spending it on things like a car or video games.

I'd be the one who nobody could count on for freebies like janitorial duty or cannery assignments.

I'd show up but never in appropriate attire. Pink shirts, blue shirts, maybe even t-shirts with obscene logos on them.

I'd be the one who forwards R-rated content to the youth in emails and links to pornographic websites.

I'd make a sandwich with the sacrament bread.

I'd sit on the podium and play with the "up and down" switch.

I'd break into the libraries and clerk's office and then read all the confidential information.

I'd put a microphone bug in the Bishop's office, record interviews, and then start a blog about the "juicy details"

I'd take a bubble bath in the baptismal font.

I'd catch a dozen magpies and then let them loose in the chapel.

I'd put a for sale sign in front of the church and advertise it on craigslist.

I'd buy a vending machine and sneak it in the week before fast Sunday during ward basketball night and then record people's faces when they pass by it.

I'd get a remote controls helicopter and fly it around the church as an obstacle course.




I'd be a terrible Mormon, but at least I'd be happy.

So what would you do?

If I knew what I know now an I was forced to go to church as a child I would point out how ludicrous it all is, and raise hell any way I could.

This goodie-two-shoes Mr Milquetoast would:
- laugh out loud at dirty jokes
- laugh in the faces of p'hood pulling rank on me
- occasionally smoke weed
- teach classes unprepared
- refuse callings I didn't like

Leave as soon as possible.

I was rebellious, so I would do it all over again, just more of the best stuff.

My issue is more with Mormon doctrine and legalistic attitudes. I pretty much did what I wanted, so there's a chance I'd actually be less wild - lol! I wish I could take back all the time I spent sitting in church just zoning out. What a waste of a day!