We are planning a poker night and my husband is inviting the crazy homophobic TBM that we had dinner with months ago.

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,711394,711394#msg-711394

Husband: "I'm glad he might come. I like dickhead."

Me: "I don't."

Him: "yes you do!"

Me: "no, I really don't."

Him: "why not?"

Me: "because he's a pretentious dick who will never change his views."

Him: "you just don't like him, because you are Exactly the same."

Me: "(excuse me) I am not like him in any way."

Him: "you're both opiniated. That's why you don't like him."

Me: "no, I don't like him because no matter what facts are presented to him, he will never change his mind. He will be an arrogant dick and just push away anything presented and say, 'whatever, you're stupid.' Yes, I am opiniated and will fight to the death for what I believe, but my beliefs change according to evidence. His never will."

Him: "I'm done arguing." and walks out.

I may be an extremely opiniated person and it takes a lot to sway me, but I do change. I am not an ostrich with my head in the sand. I am extremely upset and fucking offended right now.

Am I wrong to be offended by this?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 05/23/2013 08:10PM by fidget.

Yes, and why is the hypocritical dickhead coming over to play poker? You should leave his bishop a little message about it... :P

ID BE OFFENED! Its one thing to be oppinionated and another not to listen to facts or try to learn new info.

I wouldn't be offended because the world is absolutely full of dickheads. Getting used to hearing opinions from close-minded people is a very useful skill. It enables you to be comfortable around Mormons, Republicans/Democrats, Tree-huggers and preppers alike.

Being able to find them interesting and amusing in their childish certainty makes your world more interesting.

What makes us so offended when we encounter such people is that we know that we were once such people.

You know this is true because if I dropped you into China, giving you the gift of their language, and they were going on and on about Confucious and how it is the only true way, you wouldn't be the least offended. You might even find it entertaining.

You can stop identifying with your dickhead past by completely accepting it as a phase of immaturity on your part, but an important one which played a big part in you fighting your way out of it and becoming the strong critical thinker and openminded person that you are.

There is nothing wrong with you asking why a person assumes their assumptions are all correct, etc. It's the emotional attachment to the answer that creates the anger backlash in our own mental state.

Anagrammy

I have no issue with the world being full of dickheads and getting used to that all. I learned that young.

But for my husband to compare me to someone that I have told him multiple times I dislike greatly, that is what offends me.

More than just comparing, he said "Exactly the same", knowing your opinion. Those are fighting words.

I would be offended too, but more by the fact that he said he didn't want to argue, then just walked out. That isn't just shutting you down and guaranteing he gets the last word, it's defining reality.

Who made this into an argument? Did you say what you did because you wanted to start an argument? Or were you just expressing your opinion? Since when is expressing ones' opinion such an offensive gesture that it translates in wanting to start an argument?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/24/2013 09:44AM by sstone.

I would be.

your spouse compared you to someone you said you disliked, and it wasn't nice polite courteous civil to compare you directly to someone you directly said you dislike.

you said he compared you to a trait or characteristic the person has and he as much as smeared you, saying this person you dislike and find obnoxious and dislikable- is like you- so that wasn't complimentary or flattering or kind or such.

finally he didn't say your opinions are what matters, and he supports you in what makes you happy, in your house and your kitchen and he is so so so glad to be aware of what you are thinking so he can accomodate you and your views or your desires and he is just so gracious and grateful to kneel down in front of you and worship this wonderful earth goddess that he is married to.
that's what I call a great attitude.

he didn't share that with you. So if I were you, I would so be offended. basically it sounded to me like he was trying to be offensive

and I don't want to go off target here but is there something he likes about you when you get mad? is he actually annoying or irritating you? obviously he cannot be oblivious to how insulting what he said was to you and how it really was not a peaceful, love evoking commentary.
also, I don't really know, and maybe neither do you, but does someone enjoy people who argue with each other or watching arguments like on tv or work or like missionaries arguing? is this possibly something he prides himself in participating in calling it logic? in that case can you tell him you don't want to be his entertainment. anymore. except sexually emotionally but not like some logic mud wrestling show with some grown man you're not related to in your own kitchen after work insulting and arguing with you with you bashing him in and him bashing at you opinion after opinion jargon rattling around your skull in the air while someone else sits back smiling taking it all in- watching his women folk mud wrestle with words again just for him- entertaining.

zoloft time. sorry. bad taste. ITs just, I'd think he'd rather be sexually entertaining with you than watching someone else air fight with words paint ball or balk rather agitating words scattering all around his kitchen right there in front of him. O r was he a missionary & is he sort of addicted to it? does he want to treat you like a missionary partner arguing with a convert logically- you being the lead and him to newbie or passive silent one who doesn't know the language and always walks around listening- learned long ago to set down and shut and enjoy the argument he just set up in the mission field or something?
detectives sometimes do this to or interview partner teams- one pays, plays friend ship and the other argues while the freindly one records it smiles through it all.

so there are lots of places in life he could have learned this habit or to enjoy this.

My question is- did I assume too much? I hope I did.
but if I were you, yes, I would be, offended.

How to change it- or something, without lots of satisfying argument, but how to get out of it-

that, is the question.

"'whatever, you're stupid.' "

That is not a "we agreed to disagree" He is condemning you and calling you names.

NO NO NO he is Never welcome in my home.

I wouldn't want someone around who was condemning and name calling of my spouse.

It is your spouses home too, so I guess 'sharing' can mean you'll be somewhere else for the time the a**hat is there?

But if you do call people names to their face and call them stupid when they don't share your opinion, then maybe your hubby's assessment is accurate and the shoe fits....

I don't know. Sometimes when I meet someone I don't like, it isn't that I'm just like them, its I'm afraid I might Be like them! Fear, such a kill joy isn't it???

sounds like your hubby is a dickhead

OK real answer - maybe more than you want.

1) You and hubby are talking past each other. Knowing him - where he's laid back and doesn't like to argue he's just saying you and the friend are both argumentative and strongly opinionated. You are right that you are different in that you will take evidence where the friend won't. So from your perspective you are right and from your husband's perspective he is right - because you are talking about 2 different things.

2) Your husband bringing the point up in the first place is much of the problem. Whether you are like this friend or not is irrelevant. What is relevant is you don't like him. In a marriage the no vote wins - if you don't both want to socially interact with someone (and there is no reason you are obligated to - e.g. people you work with or family) - then unless you both want to interact with someone you don't do it as a couple - or at least keep it to a minimum. He can be a guy friend that he hangs out with during guy time and you don't need to be involved.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/24/2013 12:47AM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

I appreciate the perspective. You've met us both in person, so I value what you have to say. Thank you.

duplicate post



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/24/2013 12:47AM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

You have a right to be upset.

So, what's his side of the story? We need to meet in the middle to compare ;)

"whether you are like this friend is irrelevant. what is relevant is that you don't like him- IN A MARRIAGE THE "NO" VOTE WINS-" (this is like boundary setting in a healthy world stuff some of might not know from church or childhood Wow)(so smart- amazing- you have that right? to be not near someone socially you don't want to? unlike elder's quorum or young adult dances or young women's socials? or not getting to choose what ward to attend because you - gasp- like the people- or gasp- avoid attending another ward- gasp YOU can't DO that! or that you get to chose which people visit your home? what? visiting teachers and home teachers they just comed in- you had to let them even if you don't knowthem or they dont' like you!!-
WHAT you get to be selective? you do?
you mean you don't HAVE to let people near you?
you don't have to let people in your kitchen they are mean intimidate gossip or try to guilt you or tell you are wrong?
WAHT are you sure??? that is normal boundaries??? what have we been missing in this church society)

oncoming storm goes on: "if you don't want to interact with someone (& there is no obligation ie family or someone you work with) & you don't both want to interact with someone, then you don't do it as a couple."
amazing. amazing!!!! he said, if you do not want to interact with someone- then- modern common courteous healthy boundaries- you do not do it as a couple.

so wow.

dont' have to justify. don't have to apologize. do n't have to have an excuse. don't have to do anything at all emotionally no checklist no logic required- just you. if you don't what to.

that's it. you get to choose - who you socialize with- and if you dont want to - it is considered toxic
and extremely bad manners- maybe with a bad name label of some kind-
for anyone to require, argue with you, demean you, critisize you, hound you, harrass you verbally, bait, you debate you-

on who you want to no socialize with.

its like your human right a choice. done. your choice. no excuses justifying needed. just your choice. Shocking to insist or attempt to force anyone to socialize with someone they do not want to.

thank you oncoming storm for your tremendous clarity & sensibilities communicated in your second point.

if its the man's turn to host the poker night for his guy friends only his guy friends, and its only his guy friends at the table (and they have nights at each others houses on a rotating basis)
then you're not at the table or home- he greets & serves them hangs out only with the men-

but if its a coed poker party night at your home with you involved they any no vote by either partner gets the person they nixed off the invite page- no one gets any one nearby they don't like or want for any reason.

if you have a girl bonco night or whatever he has no place participating, and he does not choose who is in your bonco group, they're yours.

this is selective to the point of mormon sin- someone brothers and sisters were rarely allowed- and missionary zone members were not allowed ever always fellowshipping regardless of social preference- working against your self, negating your self, disallowing personal preferences to be developed supported or acted on so very very frequently in the church,
that you could grow up unaware that you or your spouse has a right to them.

It's a coed poker night, I'm the one who wins the money.

He's already extended the invite, but I reserve the right to send dickhead packing at any point during the night.

Better yet, make up a really lame-sounding excuse to leave the house altogether. "Oh, I have to go! Tar-jay is having a bigbig sale on dog underwear!"

Hahahaha dog underwear? So awesome!

So maybe he's not so TBM as you think.

Make sure he loses all his money...I doubt he'll bring much...because he had to pay his tithing first.

It might be fun IF dickhead feels guilty while he's at your house.
Make sure he feels guilty....serve alcohol, tea, coffee etc

OH your husband is not on your side in this...it appears.
Try not to take sides.

It's a challenge....it's your home. Make it a fun night. And wear something less than TBM approved. :)

KJ