Step #1: Desire to believe. (Alma 32:27) This is an important step and will greatly affect the remainder of your journey! Notice that it is not "desire to know if it is true," or "honestly research both sides." No, you start out your journey down into the depths of faith by stating your desired conclusion. After all, this church is clearly "true"(TM), after all we (your trusted mentor in the faith) said so, so why not just start out with this conclusion firmly in your mind?

Step #2: Do not allow any doubts to encroach upon your faith! (Alma 32:28) Your faith at this point is weak, and opposing opinions or facts may very well shake you awake from your self-deluded stupor. AT NO POINT DOUBT THE CONCLUSION FORMED IN STEP #1!!! Remember, you want this to be true!

Step #3: "Nourish the word." (Alma 32:37-41) Obey everything your church leaders tell you to do. After all it is only by obeying the commandments that we can know they are true! Everything that church leaders tell you to do is right, even though it is often wrong... Remember step #2! Don't question the orders you've been given, or you might realize they make no sense, then where would your faith be, hmm?

Step #4: Pray. (Moroni 10:4) Kneel down and address the clearly not-present person you are trying to believe in. Tell him how great he is, even though you don't know whether or not he's there. Ask whether or not the scriptures are true. REMEMBER! DON'T DO ANY ACTUAL RESEARCH! Facts and evidence will only mislead you from the "truth"(TM). Instead, trust in the person who we've told you is there but whom you have, as yet, seen no existence of. Don't worry, you'll know the answer when you hear/feel/otherwise sense it. No, we can't tell you what it will be, because its different for every person. Just whatever you feel that leads you to your pre-determined end goal of believing the "truth"(TM), that's the answer. If you don't hear/feel/otherwise sense anything, its clearly your fault and you are doing something wrong. Try again until you get the "correct" answer! It can't possibly be that the church isn't true! That's just your doubt talking... your evil, evil doubt! Kill it! Kill the doubt! Its getting in the way of the "truth"(TM)!

Step #5: Sometimes you just gotta fake it. “A testimony is to be found in the bearing of it!” -Boyd Packer (Apostle and Prophet of the Lard! So you know it must be true, as per step #3!) Just lie. Repeat "I know the church is true" until you believe it! In this way, you can convince yourself of all sorts of things! The mind is an amazing and dangerous thing, but one thing that really gets it stuck in its well and proper rut is repetition! So just keep saying you know its true. Eventually, your brain will give up and stop resisting the "true"(TM) "light"(TM) of "knowledge"(TM). How long do you have to fake it, you ask? However long it takes! You could be faking it for years! Decades even! You could be a bishop, entrusted to lead a whole congregation down a path you don't even necessarily believe in. Just keep faking it! Eventually your brain will give out and you'll have faith!

Step #6: You made it! You've reached the goal you set out to accomplish in step #1. You're mind is fully and horribly warped! You've managed to convince yourself of the impossible! (Although, if you've really been faithful to step #2, your poor mind is incapable of realizing just how impossible what you believe actually is) Now that you have the "truth"(TM) embedded in every fiber of your being, make sure to brag about that fact every month or so. Feel free to feel and act condescendingly superior to those poor people who struggle by figuring out what is actually true through honest evaluation of facts in the world of skepticism and common sense! They all secretly wish they could have a horribly mutilated world-view like you do!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/11/2013 12:57AM by nickname.

(((APPLAUSE)))

you gotta shed a few tears to show us you mean it...

Imagine if you will a meeting where LDS Church leaders address
an audience of other Church members. Imagine if you will that
at all kinds of times members of the audience interrupt the
speaker with questions, doubts, contrary points etc.

Of course this is the opposite of what happens at any LDS
Church meeting. However it IS what happens at a scientific
colloquium. The first time I attended a physics colloquium I
was shocked at how the audience of physics professors
behaved. I thought that maybe one or two of them were on
drugs or something. It wasn't until I had attended a few more
that I realized this is how science is done.

Science has found it necessary to put in all kinds of
safeguards to avoid fooling one's self. Double-blind studies
with control groups is one way. Mormonism makes it a point to
teach the members to avoid the very things that have been
found to keep you from fooling yourself.