Just putting the question out there. I have never considered cheating on my TBM who I love dearly. Even after coming out to her that I no longer believe, she has been incredibly understanding and has made numerous compromises believing that the marriage is more important than our differing beliefs. For example she no longer wears the magic underwear because she knows that a big part of what I found difficult with the church was the temple ceremony and what the g's are symbolic of to me of something quite sinister.

Although there are still those occasions when our differences seem irreconcilable, particularly when in comes to deciding what is best for the children, we are generally able to work through them in a mutually respectful way.

Bottom line is I still love my wife, we are still attracted to each other and I have never looked elsewhere for female companionship UNTIL NOW!

A nevermo work colleague, also happily married for many years who has never considered cheating on her husband and I have developed a deep connection and are attracted to each other in every possible way. We have tried to avoid it developing into anything more than the odd bit of flirting at the office Christmas party and neither of us want to hurt our families but we cannot deny the incredible chemistry between us. Just being close to her in the office gets me excited and when we are alone, it is difficult to keep our hands off each other. There is a deep emotional connection and we are able to talk about anything. She is a catholic and has come to similar views about her religion as I have mine. So far we have not slept together but we both want to badly. It feels so natural and so right.

This is so out of character for the both of us and the thought of deceiving our spouses is abhorrent. Are we just being selfish going with our animal instincts or are we just escaping the shackles of organised religion by going through with this?

Are you asking RFMs permission to cheat on your wife? I think the overwhelming response here will be "no."

If you want to sleep with other women, get a divorce. It has nothing to do with religion. It's about loving your spouse and your commitment to HER.

I got to the point I just couldn't live the lie anymore. I left the church but my wife stayed in. She still loved me. I'm not into any organized religion and I was an agnostic until I had a near death experience. I found myself wanting to be in contact with others who had similar experiences. In that process I met a woman who I had more in common on a personal spiritual level than I had with my wife.

I have found people who have had near death experiences tend to have high integrity. They know there is life after death and what we do here has consequences. If anything, we feel we are more responsible for ourselves than the organized Abrahamic religions teach.

The bottom line is you need to treat people how you would like to be treated. Cheating is never a good thing because it involves deception. The right thing would be to divorce your previous spouse before getting romantically involved with another woman. That right there should be the test of how much you love her.

For me I loved my first wife and kids too much; even though, the woman I met was magical. The thing is you never know until you are living together in a relashionship. Eventually my wife got fed up with the ward and joined me.

Just for the record, i have also had a full blown NDE - while all but bleeding out after surgery. It was totally amazing. I am still an atheist and have no expectation of an afterlife.

I also wouldn't cheat on my dh. I consider that cheating on the whole family, kids too. Nothing is worth doing that for.

I am want to hear about this "near death" experiance

I am curious hearing about this "near death" experiance.

The only way it's OK to cheat on your wife is if she's OK with it, at which point it's not cheating, it's considered an allowance. This of course means it's OK for your wife to sleep with other men, so would you be OK with that?

If you can't ask her directly, make some subtle comments and check her reaction. The more she resists, the more you should too.

Tell her god told you to do it and if she doesn't like that then her and her family will be punished by god.

It worked for Joey.

While yes, this is true, Joey was a dick.

Don't be a dick.

Cheating is never OK, IMHO.

Having an open relationship isn't cheating.

The mormon church lies and cheats forcing many exmos learn how it feels to be victimized by deception. This might help them know how hurtful they would be to treat people they care for so badly.

WTF would you even think of causing your wife, who you "love dearly" all the pain of your betrayal?

You think she'd never know? Think again mate, you can't control all the variables.

Being cheated on is one of the most excruciatingly painful things to happen to a person. Don't even go there. Have integrity.

Do you think the excitement of your relationship would last, outside of the artificial environment it is currently flourishing in? It's not real you know, everything is heightened by the forbidden aspect of it. You want to cause considerable pain to your wife, yourself and both families for something which, chances are, wont be as great as you currently think.

These things don't just happen. Sounds like you are currently in an emotional affair and want to take it to the next level. How do you think your wife would feel if she discovered how far things have already gone?

F*** this! I can't believe how many people come on this site asking a variant of this question.

Life is hard, hard, hard. It will come up with pain and suffering all by itself. You don't need to go creating it in your family's life or the other family involved.

Don't hurt other people. We're all connected, you'll only end up hurting yourself too.

Feel free to hate me for my outspokenness. I don't give a F***. Be a good person, there's not enough of them in the world.

Thank you European View. 40 years ago my father was cheating on my mother. It destroyed their marriage and left emotional scars on the children that some still carry. If my old man had thought about the children instead of his penis life could have been better for all of us.

Don't do it - the long term cost will be too high.

If you need someone else to determine your ethics for you, go back to the mormon church....next.

+1000

First of all, the only way you can sleep with this woman is, if your wife gives you permission. Grounds for an open relationship, or if you get a divorce with your wife.

Anything beyond that is cheating, and it is an awful thing to do. If you truly love your wife like you say, and you know she wont be okay with this, then man up and cut your losses. Marriage is not just about you, it is a commitment to another person.

I hate to say it man, but it is a bit sad you are asking this.

Part of the beauty of a long-term relationship, I would think (since I have no experience yet), would be the amount of time invested. You and your wife have been through a lot together. You've been through very little with this other woman. You should focus on everything that has been invested thus far.

You can start with your believing wife having taken off the "sacred" garment for your benefit. That's an investment on her part. Do you feel like betraying that? How many other mixed-belief marriages out of Mormonism can claim that as an investment? She sounds like a wonderful woman.

No.

Nope. Cheating is a horrible thing to do to someone you say you care about.

Never get your honey where you get your money. Work affairs only get complicated and unfairly compromise relations with other co workers.
Never ever cheat on a spouse! I'm not one that believes "thought" affairs are a sin but the pain to others won't be worth it. Don't confess to your wife either. Just be adult, acknowlege the other person as a friend but move along.

Yup.

No

You're thinking with the wrong head and trying to rationalize your actions and thoughts. In the meantime, your wife, who trusts you and has stayed with you even though you left the church (considered by many TBMs to be a betrayal) that she loves.

Nothing good can or will come of this relationship you are having with this woman. Man up, dude, and end it for the sake of your wife, your kids and yourself. This is not real but your family is.

I don't understand why you need to sleep with your co worker to, "escape the shackles of organized religion."

You can escape the Morg quite easily without doing that. I understand you probably didn't mean it quite that way, but it sounded like a pretty pathetic attempt at excusing your behavior.

Your wife deserves better than this. You know this is wrong. Did you marry very young? Maybe you do need a divorce.

But be careful. Choosing a new partner that's a coworker AND a married one at that, sounds like a really, really bad idea.

Do it. You only live once. LoL.

And he was just looking for validation.



Anon poster: You'll probably get the answer you're looking for at ashley madison dot com. But it's ok, because you have such an incredible connection, and you can't keep your hands off each other, and your attraction to each other is powerful and beautiful and unique. Right?

Do your wife a favor, and divorce her, before you put her through the hell that you've probably already decided is the path for you. Because that path, once you proceed, is a one-way trip. And by definition, if still married, choosing the path of infidelity means that you're choosing the path of being married to an unfaithful spouse for both your wife and your soon-to-be paramour's husband.



Cheaters suck.

+1000

"Because that path, once you proceed, is a one-way trip."

I echo shlock loudly. Divorce her first before your penis takes over completely. You may say you love your wife but you are missing something in the relationship. Be honest with yourself. Identify it and talk it out with the wife.

You will RUIN your life and the lives of those around you if this proceeds. Kids, family, parents, friends, church folks (god help you on that one) co-workers, will all know. Trust me, it will be just as bad as having sex with her in the parking lot for all to see as it will you thinking it may remain secret. These kinds of secrets are Never kept.

The whole debacle will become a living nightmare for everyone involved and it will never ever go away.

For whom?

A couple of thoughts:

You and your colleague spend a lot of time together working on mutual work goals and you likely see one another at your best. You don't live together and deal with the daily hassles. So, you are getting a somewhat ideal experience of one another, I am guessing.

Also, part of forming a new love interest is idealization and excitement. You let boundaries down, you experience novelty, you imagine a lot of possibilities. It feels like a whole new world opens up. One of the common stresses on marriage is staleness, boredom, the petty hassles. It's nice to escape that.

That said, if you can look at your thoughts and feelings for your colleague as indicators for what you are needing in your relationship with your wife rather than act on them through an affair with your colleague, you may find this experience as helpful ultimately rather than a potentially very bad problem. Most couples that come to marriage counseling give the basic reason as having "grown apart," besides the specific issues of sex, money, and kids.

I know your relationship with your colleague feels very good to you--I've been there--and there is a slim chance it could work out, but I don't think the odds are with you in terms of an affair. It could be a chance to look at your marriage in a new way and initiate some positive changes there, however.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/18/2013 09:28AM by robertb.

Think about the things you feel with and about your colleague and find ways to recreate them with your wife. And have the affair with your wife instead.
Oh, and by the way, you have already cheated on your wife.
Some how people think that because there hasn't been a complete sexual intercourse that they haven't cheat yet.

Yes. But it's probably very rare.

To answer the question directly, it really depends on the quality of their oral skills down below.

I would only do it if you're no longer interested in being married to your wife. Just know that if this affair starts up, this will be the beginning of the end with your wife. I don't think there's a way around that to be honest.

...Should you go through with the affair.

It's easy to fall in lust/love with someone else, even when you love your spouse. Then reality sets in and the other person isn't quite living up to what you expected.

You'll do what you want to do, but can you live with the consequences of your decisions?