Believe it or not, no cussing. *giggles*

I like to share. And I feel compelled to share, check up, see what's new. We've recently come to Nevada for a CEO space trip. I'm not sure if this is familiar with anyone here, but there's a teen/young adult program here. Last night we met our teacher, did a little exercise. And my teacher uses this term self-observe quite often. And I start realizing what I've been telling myself since probably halfway through freshman year, so nearly two years.

I go to bed, crying, upset, distant. Brooding. And before I get ahead of myself I wanna say this. I'm rushing to the class. The first class, which isn't even really a class. And I'm getting ticked off. I didn't really pay attention to when we needed to be there, I blamed it on everybody else, and my attitude was "this vacation's beginning to suck real fast."

So anyway. I'm starting to realize, how much I beat myself up. I've realized it in the past before, but never actually acknowledged it. And so. We are going to the classes today.


And we are talking to this Vince(totally spit balling on name) guy, and well his lesson, I really don't want to get into(it was a great lesson, just not the focus of this post), and afterwards, I'm excited to be here. And it's just not a seminar like "woohoo woohoo" and the feeling fades. I go out and practice these new skills I learned.

And the results are astronomical. Just today. You need to be in front of me right now to properly explain the amazingness of this. No you need to be here!!!

But I digress. This isn't for me to drag you here, even though I want to, it isn't about that. And we are going through the classes. And My teacher, who has one of the most beautiful names ever in my opinion, Eve, has been teaching us, as I said. To be self-observant. And today I joined her class about self-esteem.


She talked about Sprite, oil, glitter, and it's just, I've been looking at myself through this slimy lens, and it's not who I am. And it didn't really hit me until another class later that night.

I say classes, but they aren't classes, that isn't the right word. It's like a divine enlightenment session. It's just all amazing. I can't describe this right.

And I'm crying near the end of the session, which were talking about why were here(and again I feel like I can't describe this to the perfection that this place is!), and I'm realizing. I feel like myself again. These are tears of joy. My sensitivity to happy tears, my sappy sad tears that would come pouring down the split second a dog died in a movie, those tears, those feelings, were free to me again.


I thought that brooding, dark, sad, lonely person is who I was. And I needed to get used to it. But no. I'm the self confident. Devil may care(kinda), jeans and a t-shirt girl. I realize, at the beginning of High School I had a group of friends, I was attracted to them, they were attracted to me, we were happy with ourselves, with each other.


And I'm holding back the tears. I don't want to disrupt the class. Though Eve most likely would have embraced the tears. Gosh you gotta meet Eve. You don't meet one single important person in your life, you have got to meet Eve. She was probably in the same boat I was. A year, a year and a half ago, she was 40 pounds more than she was now, her best friend near the same.

They probably acted and felt their age(which out of respect I won't reveal. :D), and now they act like their in their early twenties. And the lightness about them, and this energy, and this happiness, and this glow that seems to emit from them, they look it too. You would never be able to tell. At least I can't.


And I feel so more open with my parents. I feel kind of embarrassed and silly to admit this, but I've been ranting on and on and on and on and on and you get the picture. About my father. And I've made him out to be a horrible monster. I've made this image so descriptive I've believed it. And it was because I needed to blame someone for my low self esteem. Or lack of self esteem in general. It didn't exist.


Now this even here isn't "it's all your own fault, bla bla bla." It's just about self-observation, and I've definitely had toxic relationships in the past that have affected me, but I let them get to me, and I let them form who I thought I was.

And anyway. I hated my father, resented him. We were distant. And I was making it that way. Unknowingly. And I was making it all out to be his fault. And here. I feel connection. I've always had a strong tug in my heart to stay close and connected with my immediate family. It has always come first. Always always always.

And it's the first night here. FIRST NIGHT HERE! I'm in shock. I'll talk about that later. And I'm talking to my parents. A million miles a minute. My dad's excited about being here. I'm excited. And I share with them. How I feel like I'm me again. I cry. And he says I'm glad I experienced that. I'm crying as I write this.

Good tears. You guys must know how this feels. You gotta discover yourself after leaving this religion. And you find yourself. And I've realized. I haven't had very loving relationships, because, how can you love others, if you don't love yourself?

You can't. If you can, I don't find it very appealing. To me it's not doable. So I've unknowingly been pushing the ones I care about away with my own thoughts, my own actions.

And I tell my parents what I've been feeling. And I swear. I haven't had those happy tears in the longest time. I can't say it enough. I'm me again! I'm truly me!!!! You know ANYBODY with self esteem issues? Whether they want to do a business or not, there is likely some passion they wish to pursue, and they can use that passion for the week as their business, whether they ever pursue it or not. But the teen/young adult(my parent's have also stepped in on a few classes and they find it fascinating) program is truly amazing.


I was REALLY skeptical. I was realizing these thoughts I was beating myself up with, but I still didn't observe them and think they were true. I was thinking. I'm not CEO space worthy. I shouldn't be here. You're a failure, you're never going to be loved.

I beat myself up until I fell asleep. Which is really hard to fall asleep to that stuff. I'm kind of all over the place, but eh, that's me. :D


And before the self-esteem class, I got recorded for a second, and I just even beat myself up about how awkward my smile seemed because one of my eyes squinted. I couldn't even see myself and I was judging myself. Before a self-esteem class. Who does that?

I feel like myself again. The brutally honest, to the point of being well, brutal, and knowing, that I'm a beautiful, attractive, smart, talented young woman. And I don't have to say that just to make myself believe it. It's true and I know it's true.


For the second night in a row I'm going to cry myself to sleep, but they are tears of joy. Tears of a thankfully forgotten past of looking myself through the wrong lens. Tears of the joy that's about to come.


I'm here till late Sunday folks. You're looking at a post of the next big thing. I'm chasing my dreams and ain't nothing stopping me. I love you all. Truly. You have been beyond amazing. I feel like I owe the world to you and more.


You just can't imagine. I'm me again!!!! This is who I truly am! I feel like the witch from into the woods after she got her youth and beauty back, but I get to keep the powers. :D

See you out there while I'm chasing my dreams tigers. :D Love you all.

It sounds like you have had quite an epiphany. I wish I had been a teenager when I made the discoveries you already have ... it would have saved me a lot of misery and self-loathing and wasted time, all caused by a religion (cult!) that only sees each individual as a blank to be molded in its image.

You have your whole life ahead of you ... seize the great opportunity that your epiphany has given you!

: ) : ) : )

Oh I have. There's something here, that's just amazing. My father would describe it as holy spirit. But this is something I haven't experienced before. To me it isn't spiritual. It's this energy. This peace. And unlike the Mormon church, I don't have a need, a want, to try to explain it. I'm happy to let it be. I wish you could all be there and feel this. It's truly, simply amazing. *sigh* I never want to leave. You aren't going to believe this. But.


I've met. Elvis Presley's step brother. And were going to be talking at dinner tonight. And tell you ALL about it later. And it's amazing. I love you all. Have a good evening!

You sound manic. Teen camp. Love love love love wonderful feelings...

Watch out for brainwashing. It isn't all mormon flavored.

The crash when you come back to earth is going to be hard and painful.

Yeah, I'm kind of concerned, too. There are plenty of groups out there that do seminars that really know how to evoke emotional reactions. But true change usually takes more than a weekend epiphany, and it can be a letdown to get back into real life.

On the other hand, I'm happy and hopeful for you, too. I hope this is the start of something new.

Enjoy the seminar and a fresh start with your parents. Just be careful. Especially if they try to get you to go to more and more seminars. Some of these groups can be cult-like. You know how to use the internet. Just google the group that's putting on the seminar and see if it comes up clean or if there is stuff you might want to know.

http://freedomofmind.com/resourcecenter/groups/ . . . . just click on the letter of the group that you are attending for info.

This event isn't Mormon flavored at all. I am being careful. Thank you for your concern. I'll keep an eye out.

anon123 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> This event isn't Mormon flavored at all. I am
> being careful. Thank you for your concern. I'll
> keep an eye out.

Duh, I said exactly that. "Not all brainwashing is mormon flavored." You aren't keeping an eye out, you've already been sucked in. Oh it feels so good!!!!

We'll have some weepy posts from you about three days after you get home.

Sorry, sucks to be vulnerable, but they're playing you like a guitar.

I'm glad you're feeling better. I bet it's like a huge weight lifted.....but....yeah, there's a but...You will have to go home, so make memories, take pics, These good experiences are always yours..

When you go home, some of that weight might be hoisted back on you, but you are sounding so mature that I bet you can resist it. I don't like the sound of sugar-coating the treatment you've received from the rents, esp dad. Unnacceptable!

Evolving Girl...that would be a good moniker for you
Have a blast

Jeeez girl. your already there. the only person that needs convinkin in you. reallyl red your own ost. your already there.. friggn jager miester....yhor already thers.