My husbands Tbm parents are visiting us and his sister who lives in another town. My husband has not told them that we are out yet and was planning to do it while they were here. They will be here about ten days, so last Sunday I feigned a migraine to gt out of going to church. We assumed that his sister would have them the next weekend and that we would come clean right before they left.

His sister is also exmo and told her parents so about eleven years ago. For this and other reasons the relationship between her and my inlaws is very strained. She is constantly on my husbands case to just come clean and doesn't respect his right to choose when and where and how he does it. To force the issue, she decided to come up to our house next weekend instead of having the parents at her place. So next Sunday his parents will be here again and they will expect to go to church with us. Can't do two migraines in a row.... Also, it is a horrible time to come clean to them about being out of the church because it is going to to horrible and emotional and I don't want them to go through that while his exmo sister and her kids are here.

I promise, we are going to tell them soon. Just tell me how to get out of going this Sunday without causing them any additional heartache...

"Sis, this is not a good time to come for a visit. Don't do it."

Then I'd tell the parents that you plan to miss church on Sunday and you hope they'll join you for whatever is a nice outing or event in your area which is a wonderful opportunity.

You might want to consider having your husband give them the "bad news" before they arrive. That way you'll get the initial meltdown out of the way. I would not tell them at the last minute.

If he won't do that, then one or both of you will have to deliver a blunt message -- "We're not going to church with you today. We've been inactive for some time and will not be returning. But we'd be happy to drop you off and pick you up (or meet you for lunch afterward, etc.")

I like Cheryl's advice as well.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/09/2013 06:12PM by summer.

This sounds like it's time for your husband to deal with his parents in a private manner.

These are his parents, and it is usually best if he takes care of major things like that with them.

He probably needs to tell his sister to butt out and stop trying to force the issue - it's "sit down and shut up" time for her. This is his family. He will deal with it.

He may want to meet them at a restaurant, or a neutral place and tell them, (before Sunday) that he doesn't want any misunderstandings and that he and his family are no longer going to the LDS Church.

If they want to go, he had no problem with that and support their choice. He may need to tell them that he can explain why at another time and doesn't want to disrupt the visit.

Restaurant is a good idea... Away from exmo sister.

It's long and complicated, but there is no getting out of exmo sister coming and she is staying until they leave. So if we were gonna tell them on this trip, I feel like we can't now because exmo sister will be mean about it to them when they get upset.

I hate this little trap we are in. We can't just go to church because his parents will here over and over people asking us who we are and where we are from.

We can't tell them the truth like we wanted to because mean old exmo sister is around waiting for a front row seat to the carnage.

We can't skip cause we skipped last week.

Dammit!

How about a hybrid.

SuzieQ's advice is good.

Load them up as if you're going to church. Exmo sister will not accompany you. Instead, pull into the IHOP and have a nice, compassionate and revealing chat.

Oooooh....

This has some promise! Thank you! Better than anything I've been able to come up with so far.

That's so intrusive. I've learned in the last year that everyone has their own time and way to exit the church, and while we have similarities, no two stories are the same. Good luck!!

Yeah, I'm really pissed. I know there are all kinds of ways of dealing with it... So I can't really judge her harsh in your face way of doing it, but that's not our style. Ad I agree.... We need to be honest adults about this and we are getting there.

Exmo sister is NOT helping things. She just wants to hurt her parents more.

I can see her side of things, because she's been horribly hurt by them and wants to lash out, but trying to shame you or push you into doing things her way isn't effective.

I also wanted to walk away quietly, but when our ward started gossiping, they pissed me off and I struck back. Now they will not shut me up, even if every Mo unfriends me. That's my way now, but everyone has their own, which is perfectly acceptable. There's no right or wrong in this situation, just different.

My other suggestion is to avoid the "chat" all together. This is being set up by the sister, so take her power away.

Get into your church clothes and go with them, and just be polite.

Wish I could... Where would we go? Any church we go to we will be brand new people. If it was our ward, the bishop wouldn't come introduce himself to us, would he?

Ugh.

Tell them you have diarrhea and have to be near a toilet. You have food poisoning from that Mexican place. Oh you feel terrible! Your stomach really hurts!

I've used the Oh it's stake conference weekend once. No one checked on me.

That really sucks to be pressured into it. if you're not ready to come clean, you'll have to lie and manipulative exmo SIL is really not helping. Your husband needs to tell his parents in his way and time.

... maybe he can come clean in writing?

I know it sound like cowardice, but it has the advantage that you will not have to deal with the initial shock and his parents will get some time to compose themselves. It's going to be akward either way but atleast it gets to be on his terms and not his sister's.

If you don't think she'll behave, tell her to find a hotel. Nobody is entitled to stay in your home. It sounds like she's more interested in creating drama than nurturing relationships.

Maybe you could take your parents to a nearby place of interest for an overnighter on Saturday night? Do they like camping? That will also give you a reason to uninvite SIL.

Certainly. I will sell you some. How much do you need?

I can do ten minutes for $30 if that helps?

Nor are any in-laws for that matter.

Saying no to intrusive behavior is difficult but doable and it becomes easier with practice.

"Sis, we love your visits most times. But for now we have to retract the invitation. It's just too stressful and complicated to have you here right now. We love you and know you will understand in time. Take care. Bye for now."

"Mom and Dad, we've got other plans for Sunday and hope you can join us . . . . We know you love birds and flowers. That's why we've arranged to go to . . . . We also know it's hard for you to miss church, so we can drop you off at the ward near the tourist park and pick you up after for a nice brunch afterward."

Come on, the sooner you take charge of this situation the less awkward it will be for everyone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/10/2013 10:38AM by Cheryl.

I agree with the folks on here that you should uninvited the sister. If she needs to be appeased, you could give her another visit date. I also think telling them how it is would be easier done in writing. I see nothing cowardly about that; it could defuse them some before you have to meet them face to face. It's a shame you have to go through all that to be yourself. Only in the Mormon church. I would hate to think anyone would have to agonize over anything with me like that. They are just going to have to put on their big girl/boy pants and deal with it. My heart goes out to you.