The last week of Hawaii wasn't so great for me. Yes, I was in a beautiful place, and I was with my wife. However, my adrenaline levels were off the charts. It didn't help that the people I was working with got extremely stressed out and were becoming contentious. Under normal situations, this isn't a problem and most people deal with it at work.

But when your brain is broken and your body is already shouting at you that every fucking thing you see/hear/smell is a threat - contention is absolutely unbearable. You literally have a threat in front of you while being shouted at by your body to take the motherfucker down, while you have to keep the rational side of your mind constantly aware of the fact that the person is NOT a real threat and you need to calm the FUCK down.

Unfortunately when things get bad, each part of the brain refuses to cooperate with the other parts. I came home to a weekend that I already extended with work, letting them know that I had a Doctor's appointment on Monday. I saw my therapist and he's trying to get me onto some adrenaline reducing drugs as quickly as possible. Apparently these drugs have been really successful with veterans, and studies are showing some decent evidence that if properly medicated immediately after something traumatic - that PTSD doesn't develop.

I took today off of work again, because the thought of going in was going to make me sick. I'm self medicating with some alcohol until I can get some other drugs. I realize that this is not the best response, but what the fuck else am I supposed to do? I need depressants because my body is telling me that the entire world is threatening to kill me and I either need to destroy it first, or get the fuck out-- but there is no where to run. There's only one place to run from your entire life, and as much as part of me wants that, the rest of my rational brain realizes that it would be a mistake.

I hate my life, and I hate what THEY did to me.

My therapist asked if I had told my parents yet, and I said that I was planning on it in April. He asked what I was going to say to them, and I told him that I wasn't sure.

But now I know.

I'm ready to just tell them the truth. That the church put my life in danger, they are responsible for my PTSD, and because of that, they risked my life further, my relationships, and my career. And for what?

Lies.

I haven't told my parents that I was diagnosed. But I will let them know. And if they want to argue with me, if they want to feel sad that I'm putting their "eternal family" at risk--then let god have mercy on them, because I will not pull any punches against the complete fabrication of this so called church.

This "religion" tried to kill me. Let them now stand against the sound of my fury.

Damn, raptor, that really sucks. I've had very minimal instances of PTSD in my life. I saw my husband fall through a plate glass window and sever his brachial artery. I tied off his arm with a dish towel while I called 911 and kept him from bleeding out.

Still haunts me. That feeling that your fight/flight instincts are on permanent overdrive makes me feel absolutely nauseous. It is a horrible, horrible feeling.

I'm wondering if you've read/heard anything about the work being done with ptsd and massage therapy? From what little I've read, it seems to help people. Perhaps more than drug and talk therapy alone. Apparently, massage/touch therapy works on the same primitive part of the brain where fight/flight resides, unlike drug and talk therapy which don't.

Anyways, just a thought. Even if it's total quackery, massages are still nice. :)

Best of luck on telling your folks. I hope unburdening yourself in this way might help with the rest of your stress.

My thoughts are with you and Mrs. RJ!

Hope that's not too personal a question.

It is tough to "be good to yourself" when your head is "making big speeches" to you about the future and all kinds of other stuff...

And I was out of touch with my feelings for a long time (that's what much of my therapy was about) so acquiring a sense of self was a long and difficult process... And having crap coming at you is going to hit those LDS-based shame centers big time... Pull up the beliefs underlying them as you're able (elementary Rational Emotive Therapy), look at them and "own" them, and be willing to flush the bullshit ones down the toilet...

<loud flushing noises>

And I'll start with the advice I gave the guy struggling with probable alcoholism (I don't think for a minute that your are, so please don't take this as anti drinking sermon, just a suggestion there are alternatives), and that's take life in manageable segments, that hokey ol' "day at a time" stuff...

If you'd had a heart attack, you wouldn't be in that big of a hurry to get back to running marathons, would you?

Just some thoughts... If this stuff fits, help yourself; if it doesn't, put it on the shelf...

It's so hard to gain perspective and context when you feel like you are just barely surviving and "one day at a time" gets just so exhausting.

Something that has helped my PTSD was coming clean about the trauma I suffered to my sisters and friends.You may feel much better after telling them how you suffered and still have the lingering after effects of trauma.

It is a horrible feeling, to always feel on edge and constantly wanting to "run away" from the situation.

Opening up to my brothers about the trauma I experienced helped me lessen the debilitating effects of PTSD. For years I kept my it secret, letting it fester inside me, until it transformed my entire world into something ugly and cruel. It nearly destroyed me, and it was only with the support of my loved ones that I've been able to take some control over my life.

I wish you the best, RJ, and hope that you will not let this terrible thing consume you. Your wit and wisdom have been a personal help to me in my transition out of Mormonism, and I'm grateful that you've been such a prominent member of this board.

Sorry about your PTSD. Mine reared it's head 6 years ago when my daughter's boyfriend came into our lives. He reminded me in a few subtle ways of my ex-husband and her bio-dad. He has been dead for quite some time, and my life had been in a safe place.

ONe spring morning I woke to him pounding on my daughters windows totally messed up on drugs and alcohol. I somehow flew down 2 flights of stairs and had a butcher knife in my hand in a matte3r of seconds.

After that event I couldn't understand my adrenalin and flight or fight being on all the time. And the boyfriend didn't go out of our lives, still hasn't.

I had no idea what it was that had been triggered.
I didn;t get help for a long time and not doing so was dangerous to my health and possible freedom.

I hope you do tell the truth, and believe that it is the truth. Don;t let anyone try to minimize what that experience did to you. You owe it to yourself to do whatever it is that is necessary to heal and find peace. And if you have to, avoid people who try to marginlize your experience even if it is family. There truth and reality isn't yours whether they want to accept it or not.

I understand when you say what you say about your fury.

But in the end that emotion could have taken my freedom away from me.
I wish you the best.

Yes, PTSD can be a bitch.

Sometimes even apparently innocuous things will set me off. It infuriates my wife when it happens, surprising, really as she is a psychologist but perhaps that doesn't count when things happen at home?

Anyways, it's clear your shit is far, far worse than my shit. You have my sympathy and my respect for you that you are holding it all together so well. And yes, you ARE holding it all together so well.

RJ, I am so sorry you are suffering with this. It's a very hard thing to deal with. I have some suggestions that may help if you can manage them.

Focus on getting as physically comfortable as you can. Something to eat if you are hungry, a glass of water if you are thirsty. Would a warm bath or shower help? You might try adjusting the light in the room and sound. Music may help.

For some people, exercise using large muscles to burn off adrenaline helps. You have to use judgment, though, to do things that don't trigger more adrenaline.

Shift your focus from your *emotions* to your *physical sensations*. Pay attention to your physical sensations. Often focusing on your breathing and areas of tenseness, with the intention of relaxing them, helps. If you can, deliberately call up scenes of safety and peace.

When you can manage it, do something "normal." When I get anxious, I wash the dishes, for example, because it is physical and I can start and finish rather than just float around in the anxiety. Try to reestablish your normal routine as much as you can. Routine, by the way, is a big help to people with PTSD and going to Hawaii may have thrown you off that way in addition to the contention you witnessed.

Use thought-stopping and thought-substitution when you become able to deal with anxiety and fear-producing thoughts. Use positive self-talk to get yourself through the negative and catastrophic thinking that accompanies anxiety.

In the long run, alcohol will just make this worse because it inhibits the brain's ability makes sense of things and plan, which will make you feel more out of control and less safe.

I hope you will feel better and will find a medication that helps. Good that you are working with a therapist. Hang in there. It gets better.

Robert

The sword fighting on the Wii Sports Resort, plus the Wii Sports tennis has been GREAT!

And I have lost weight, too...

<<This "religion" tried to kill me.>>

Oh the times I've said that too! Those bastards had me near suicide!

I have some pretty tough anxiety attacks at times. Also I feel so much pain from depression at times it feels like a migrain!

Hang in there buddy! It's pure hell at times I know.

Sypathisize Buds,

I go through periods as well, and little things just set me off, like being wrongly accused of smoking dope in a municipal garage two weeks ago, by a peace officer while I was en route to a drug test and medical for a new job! It is a wonder I did not deck him one after he grabbed me by the shoulder. Needless to say I had a lot of trouble passing the blood pressure component of the medical as I was so agitated my BP was stuck at 140/100, high for me.

Not sure booze is going to solve much, been down that road before and it solved nothing for me at least. I was prescribed Effexor XR not realizing the effect it had on the adrenal system, I could not stop sweating, felt like I was walking on glass all the time, made some really irrational decisions and ended up with high BP (176/116). Getting off that stuff was a three month ordeal during which I kept getting electricity like shocks in my head, experienced by a lot of others too.

Does exercise help?? Or perhaps a major dose of a sedative to knock you out for a while to get things on a little more even keel, prescribed by a knowledgeable doctor of course. You sound very wired, I know I was with the peace officer, and was upset about that for days afterwards until I did something about it and wrote a few letters demanding an explanation to City Hall.

And it will get better after you pass over this current hurdle. Funny the things that set us off, what might do so for you would have no effect on me, and vv. I just do not like to be touched by people who are behaving in an irrational manner, does "Don't touch my junk" resonate at all with you? Nor can I stand being beaked off at, people everyone get it back both barrels and then some which is out of character for me 99.9% of the time.

Seriously, lay off the liquor please? Nevermo here, but I honestly can say NONE of my life's trials and tribulations were ever solved while under the influence, and it tends to trigger depressive episodes in me, so I drink no more than once a week, and even then, just a few beer on a Friday night.

Find yourself a good therapist if you do not already have one. And get a medical doctor who understands the side effects of the drugs he prescribes, and explains them to you.