Her Dad died when she was 16 and it looks like she never got over the anger of that. She never did have the proper counseling when this happened.

I told her she must tell the counselor everything that happened. I want her to talk to the counselor first and see if I should be involved as well. I want to see what professional help will say.

I read that in situations like hers she can change if she wants to. She really does seem sincere and it does seem like she wants to change.

Thanks again for the help everyone.

I think it's worth a shot. I did that w/ my spouse. She was crazy in the 1st year. I made her go to counseling. It worked. Her female therapist really helped her (non-LDS of course). She's like a new woman. Now four years into it.

I wouldn't have children with someone who I couldn't trust to babysit.

Lots of teenagers have lost parents, but don't turn violent. How would you feel if she was caring for one of your elderly loved ones, or someone who couldn't speak out? You can't hit someone just because you feel frustrated.

I know and that is why she is going to counseling. I'm hoping it will workout for her.

So you're going to stay with her instead of breaking up because she agreed to counseling? What happens when the therapy gets hard and she bails after a few appointments? What then?

Then we are for sure done. She will not have been cured and I can not be with someone like that.

"Dependent personality disorder is described as a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to a submissive and clinging behavior as well as fears of separation. This pattern begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. The dependent and submissive behaviors are designed to elicit caregiving and arise from a self-perception of being unable to function adequately without the help of others."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/dependent-personality-disorder

If you don't fit into this pattern of thinking and behaving, then you're good, and I say provide as much support as you can to your girlfriend on her journey. However, if this dance you're dancing is also playing off your own insecurities, etc., perhaps you need to reevaluate your motives.

Have you thought about personal counseling, to better explore your own placement in this drama? Might be worthwhile, to engage in individual therapy of your own, in parallel with your girlfriend's therapy.

Nope that is not me at all. I am doing this because I care about her and I love her. I am not dependent on her though. If we were to break up it would be hard at first but I would be fine with time.

Yes I have thought about counseling to help me understand this drama. I it least want to see a counselor once to talk about what happened.

Sounds like you're going about things in the right way then.

Just be careful, I have known people pike that who claim to be going to counselling, but are half assing it at best to try and put on a show to save the relationship. I had a girlfriend who kept swearing she was seeing a counselor and therefore didn't need it, but it was to cope with a chronic illness, not to discuss her personality disorder. It became more apparent that she was getting worse the closer we got.

At the end of the day, I hope it works out for you, just keep your eyes and ears open for red flags.

Thankyou. I will keep this in mind.

I would not let her back in my life until she improves 100%
Which probably will never happen.

My hunch is that she will only get worse.
Move on.

If she smashed her own head with an object that is not good OP. I know you love her. But everyone's mom and dad die. That shouldn't make soneone smash their head. Oh please read these red flags! Unpredictable behavior is not something you want to have to deal with for the rest of your life. Think about you. And your life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2013 01:50PM by snuckafoodberry.

Well I think she did it as an act of desperation. At the time I was kicking her out because she really upset me. I wasn't listening to her either.

She hit the object on her head after she hit me a few times. I think she was upset at herself for hitting me and I think she pretty much went hysterical and didn't know what else to do.

Apologizing to me did not seem like an option to her at the time because she has this deep down anger that has not been resolved. Which is why she needs to see a counselor.

Are you sure you want her living in the same residence with you while she's getting counseling (should be THERAPY)?
I think I might want to tell her to live elsewhere until she has gone through enough therapy to have made major improvement.

You may have no idea how much you are being manipulated, even by this person's self-inflicted violence.

Consider the real possibility that she has been grooming you for this since day one, slowly preparing you for this level of violence, and you have slowly become desensitized. Her hard luck story may be part of the scam, a card she plays to manipulate you when you are most vulnerable.

It is hard to read the writing on the wall when someone has just punched you, but if the relationship is escalating to physical abuse (other and self), you cannot expect it to get better. If you begin to resist and call her out on her crap, she may move on to an easier target.

Familiarize yourself with the domestic violence cycle. Does that look like your life with this person? If so, expecting that to change after an escalation that spreads violence to other and self may be highly unrealistic.

Okay, it seems to me you're taking responsibility for your part in this, your choices and actions, you'll seek counseling of your own just to process all this, and if she doesn't or won't follow through on getting help, you'll kick her to the curb.

Sounds reasonable. Good luck to you. I hope it all goes well for you both.

I don't know you at all, so take this with salt.

The relationship you describe sounds very dangerous. I do not know if she is psycho, you are too harsh with her, or some degree of both. But it sounds like your relationship is unstable and that it can get physical.

Counselling can help, but often it does not. It is possible that your girlfriend is lying about seeking help, may actually seek it but won't fully commit to the process, or that she'll fully commit but that the process will become extremely painful. In any of those situations your relationship could stay the same or get worse.

The way the legal system works, a woman is almost always given the benefit of the doubt. If you strike her, even just blocking her blows, and you leave a mark, she can get you thrown into jail. If she hurts herself and blames you, you can be sent to prison. If you are capable of standing there as he strikes you without any reaction at all, you could still be in trouble if she bruises herself. Why take that risk?

I'm glad she's going to get counselling. But if I were you, I would make sure she does that from a different residence. The risks to you both--but particularly to you--are too high. If she loves you and your relationship is worth saving, she'll move out and then do the counselling. You can then decide later if you want to try again.

But please preserve your and her safety in the meantime.

I'm going to repeat something I said yesterday but I feel quite strongly about this.

Great! Go for it! See if you can figure out a way to rebuild your relationship that is healthy.

However....

Separate for the process. Don't live in the same house. Take a break; get a little distance. Work to come back together in a healthy way. You don't need to give up on the relationship, but you do need to take a step back.

If you are living together and this process goes bad, it is going to go very very very bad.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2013 03:52PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

Is moving out for my safety? Is it hard to live with someone going through therapy?

She really does not know to many people in this city because she just moved here not to long ago. She is starting to make friends now but she will be pretty much alone if I tell her to move out. She wants me to help her through this process. I'm pretty sure in her head she will think I am leaving her if I tell her to move out.

I'll ask the counselor what he/she thinks I should do.

I read the traits of an abuser and someone that is being abused. Yes she did hit me once but she doesn't have any of the other traits. I think she just went a little nutso there and she needs help.

When I told her we were done last night she didn't get angry. She was just upset and crying. I did not feel threatened.

Honestly, don't take other people's advice at this point. You know the situation better than anyone. As long as you're going into it with an objective viewpoint and won't be making excuses for her behavior, including relapses, then do what you think is right.

Nothing is set in stone, and people can change their behavior. Just don't allow hope to cloud your judgment. See things for what they are and make decisions based on that.

Best of luck.

While reading your posts it strikes me that you may be suffering from codependence. I'm no counselor, but I recognize a lot of the thought patterns I used to go through. If that is possibly the problem, try reading this book.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0894864025/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1376684410&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY190

Does that mean I am dating a Narcissists?

"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others."

This is kind of scary! I am kind of a people pleaser and that was the main reason why it took me so long to get out of the mormon church. I didn't want to upset my family and friends.

The weird thing is I've always been a happy guy. I thought I was happy because I like to make the other people around me happy.

I will be seeing a counselor for sure now.

Up above, you tell me you're definitely not dependent.

Now you say that maybe you are.

It sounds like YOU could use the advise of a counselor at this point in your life, to sort through your own psyche, and to better understand your reactions to your girlfriend's actions.

Also, I'm baffled as to why you wouldn't want your girlfriend to move out, temporarily, while you're both seeing separate therapists. Could you elaborate on this one, beyond her being in a new locale, with few friends?



And finally, to some other posters on this subject: Would your advice to the OP be different if he were a she, and it was her boyfriend that had had a "momentary" lapse of physicality?

Wondering.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/16/2013 05:12PM by schlock.

Interesting questions.

I'm not really all over the map. I can do fine without her. It's just that I am a people pleaser. I think I do put other peoples needs above my own needs. I do feel guilty when I put my needs first.

I guess to make it short I am not dependent on her but I think I am putting her needs above my own needs. Although if we did break up I would do fine with my life. It would be hard at first but I would get over it.

You are right though I do need to see a therapist to figure things out.

"I do feel guilty when I put my needs first."

If you do not see how unhealthy that perspective is, see a therapist until you can put "not" after "do."

My father died when I was fourteen. My mother was also going through a major illness at the time and was unable to care for me. In one feel swoop I lost not only one parent but my family home. It devastated me. It took me years to process that and recover.

But I never, ever hit anyone. I think that your girlfriend using that as an excuse is bull-pucky. She may well benefit from counseling in terms of processing her grief and anger, but the hitting is a different issue altogether.

Why is she hitting? Is that what she saw and experienced in her own home while growing up? Where did she get the idea that hitting is okay?

If you insist on staying with her, I would insist on a policy of ONE. One more hit, or object thrown at you, and you're done.

That is the policy and she knows it.

I don't know where she got the idea that it is ok to hit. She did not grow up in an abusive home.

I told her that she needs to tell the therapist everything that happened. That's the only way the therapist can get to the route cuase of her hitting.

Being angry about a parent dying is pretty common if it doesn't get resolved. I am sure that is were her anger comes from.

anono Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Being angry about a parent dying is pretty common if it doesn't get resolved. I am sure that is where her anger comes from.

Bottom line, I would quit making excuses for her. There *is* no excuse for hitting, period.

She's already tried to get you into trouble with the police once. If someone loves you they do everything they can to keep you out of trouble. Your parents didn't raise you just so you could to be treated like this.

You are playing the Yes...But game with posters here who are trying to help you.

Unless you are a troll who is trying to keep this board fooled.

IF you are for real, you seriously should go into therapy with her.

I know everyone is trying to help and I really do appreciate it. Everyone is probably pretty frustrated with me.

I am going to go into therapy. I think I may have a problem...

The weird thing is I have always been a happy guy. My life for the most part has been pretty awesome. Just recently though this thing happened and now I am trying to figure things out.

I really hope it goes well for the two of you. If it does, please keep us posted. If it does not go well, if she doesn't get better, I hope you will feel comfortable telling us about that too.

Good luck!

When people go into therapy, they often get WORSE in the short term. They explore the unresolved issues from their childhood that produce the bad behavior, the things the person has always fled from. Most therapists expect that things will get more painful and less stable before they get better.

What does this mean? That if you want to be with your girlfriend, you probably need to separate so that you are not in close proximity--or at least can escape to your own home--at times of greater stress. Being physically separate is not just a matter of safety, it is also a way to improve the odds that she can get her problems sorted out and you two can get back together. Living in different places doesn't even mean breaking up--it just means having the ability to disengage when necessary.

I'd add that if you think you need counselling--which may be right given that you seem intent on staying with someone who hurt you and who threatened you with the police--then you have even more need for stability, distance, and personal space. Codependency and enabling behavior aren't just part of a relationship with a narcissist; you see them in the spouses of alcholics, drug addicts, borderlines, and all sorts of people with bad backgrounds and bad habits. Seeing a counsellor to learn if you have any of those characteristics may be helpful both regarding your present relationship and, if necessary, for future relationships.

But whether one or both of you need counselling, distance and safety are critical. I am a big fan of therapy but I know the complexity of the process. And I'd also ask if you really want to do couples therapy given that some of these issues--hers, and possibly yours--are very personal. It may make sense to get the individual issues out of the way before deciding on the relationship itself.

Hello,

You are making the decisions here, you are the one on the front line. It seems to me you are doing well. I agree your GF needs councelling, and your refusal to put up with her behaviour may well be her 'wake up" call. I feel you would both benefit from couple counselling too. It is actually VERY eyeopening and good to really understand yourself as well.

I really hope it works out for you.