The Mormon church does not agree with or support my homosexuality. Being gay in the Mormon church is absoulte hell. What's worse is that my TBM family claims that they are for gays, but I know that is bullcrap. My family makes fun of gays and refers to them as sinful and overcome by the power of Satan. What's worse is how gays are treated in most of Utah. There are almost no laws that are gay friendly. 70% of Utahs oppose gay marriage. My self-esteem is low and i have been suicidal in the past. I desire to get married, but my TBM family would surely abandon me. I only wish to be happy and have a long lasting relationship.

Welcome!

Stinks about your family/church/community. Just stinks.

I tell my kids that happiness is the goal of life. People who chase after money, fame, religion or just a series of good times are also after happiness. But real happiness is more complicated. We're going to get most of our joy and misery from other people. It's tough to find the right people, place and circumstances for happiness.

(Sorry if my philosophy isn't terribly deep.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2013 01:07PM by crom.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful and perfect and absolutely they way nature intended you to be. You have every right to be who you are and to love who you chose to love.

I am sorry you are having a tough time. When I transitioned out of Mormonism professional counseling was very important to moving on, if not essential to my growth. You are not alone. While people here are friendly and helpful, they are not professionals. Seeking out such assistance when transitioning out of Mormonism is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Sending you some e-hugs.

(Well, we have been "separated" for over 17 years)--

Learn to love yourself. You are a valuable human being--no matter what your family feels or tells you. Be true to yourself and don't try to jump through hoops to please your family.

Steve Benson recommended a book some years ago that I found to be excellent. It is called "Perfect: The Journey of a Gay Mormon." I believe I found it on lulu.com ????

I don't know if they still have it or not.

Hi Mario,

A lot of people here are gay, and have left the Church for reasons similar to your own. There's nothing wrong with being gay. It's exactly like being left-handed, or having blue eyes. The problem is that in most places in the U.S., homosexuality is feared, hated, and looked down on. Unfortunately, Utah is one of those places. But even there, acceptance varies with the demographic. It's much higher among those under 30 years old.

You're only 19. The most important thing that you can do right now is to focus on school. There's a high probability that you'll meet a boyfriend there. Also, keep this in mind. For your own protection, don't arm people with information that they could--and would--use against you, to hurt you. It's no one's business what your sexual orientation is.

Until you're in a financial position to take care of yourself, you need to protect yourself. Play along to get along--for now. One day, you'll have your freedom.

Finally, educate yourself about HPV, hepatitis, and HIV. They kill. You can never be too safe. Remember: there are no second chances, and you only have one life.

Try not to worry. Focus on school. Protect yourself.

In time, everything will be fine.

Good Luck,

Steve

Come join us in California! Still some homophobes here but getting much better, ESP in the big cities. I grew up BIC in Utah and it must have been hell for my 2 close friends who came out as gay in their 20s in Utah. I notice that post prop 8 the Mormon church is trying officially not to look so Intolerant but their new position (feelings are ok, ever loving someone isn't) is just crazy. And the claims I have seen that this was always the position make me want to punch people. Or just post the story of my friend's excommunication.

I don't think Utah will be a healthy place for gays for another 30 years, if then.

It's a long life, and as you get a little further down it you are going to find a lot of people who care about you more than your family ever did. Many of us built our own families from scratch. Adoption isn't just for acquiring children.

When I was young, just after my mission and graduation from BYU and I had barely come out of the closet, we were having a big Sunday family dinner. In an effort to make conversation with a much younger sibling, I asked if she liked the new Boy George song which was so popular at that moment. All she said, in a loud voice, was "THAT F#G!?!"

I could forgive her, but I was in shock that my High Council father nor my Relief Society president mother, said a word. I was gutted, and no one cared. I knew I would never really be part of the family again. I visit, I do my part, because they have not gone far enough for me to be able to reject them, but it is really all hollow.


Many of us who were gay Mormons ended up where you are now. Just because they don't reject you outright does not mean there is any genuine acceptance, and in your gut you know it.

If this is where you are, just take it from an old guy. You have a lot of fantastic life ahead of you that has nothing to do with your family. Lots of people have had amazingly full lives without having a blood family. There is real love out there from real friends. You will find them. And if you are like me, the horrible things that have happened with the family will become useful cocktail conversation when you want to make people laugh at your boyfriend's in-laws.

You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family! ;-)

My family, for other reasons than yours, is not a source of comfort and support for me. They generally cause me stress, frustration and sadness. I can't even fathom how I can share so much DNA with them yet feel like I'm from an entirely different planet. Sound a bit familiar?

What has helped me is keeping them at arms length and cultivating good friendships (which I'm not terribly good at but I'm trying!).

Blood is not thicker than water. You can build a family of friends.

Amen to what spaghetti said.

The true parent of any child is the one who loves the child and raises him/her.

The true family of a gay person are those who love him/her, and are there when he/she needs them.

Hopefully you'll find some of your true family and friends here.

As far as homophobic families, I know lots of gays that have left their families behind and have no contact. I know others that have limited contact. I know some where the families have come around after the gay family member came out.

The best advise I can give is to stay true to yourself. Be good to yourself. Get a good support group of gay positive friends.

One good place to start may be the Utah Pride center in Salt Lake:

http://www.utahpridecenter.org/

Utah is not as bad as many would make it out to be. Yes, the majority are against gay marriage, but a majority support some sort of recondition of same sex relationships. A majority of Utah residents are covered by some sort of protections regarding work and housing.

There will soon be three gay pride events in Utah. Provo is about to have it's first gay pride this September.

https://www.facebook.com/ProvoPride

Moab has a gay pride festival in conjunction with Gay Adventure week

http://moabpride.org/

and of course, there is Salt Lake's pride festival and parade. The SLC pride parade is the second largest parade in Utah.

http://utahpridefestival.org/

There are also a lot of clubs, hiking, flag football, gay men's chorus, etc..

And do find out about HIV, there is a ton of misinformation about HIV, much comes from the Gay community.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/18/2013 02:34PM by MJ.

I can't imagine. I am straight but had two kids in my ward who are gay. It was obvious early on they were "different." I still feel bad for them and how hard it must have been to be raised in that cult.

You are wonderful and your family is blinded by the cult and can not realize this. Most likely it will always be so. I recommend moving away to a gay friendly place and forming your own family. If you want to get married, get married.

Be yourself and don't let others tell you it is not good enough.

I am SO sorry for all you are going through. It really is unthinkable. I cannot add any advice to the already excellent advice you have been given, but I want to add my support and VERY best wishes to you. I sincerely hope you find the love and happiness you want and deserve.

Take care, and I am thinking of you!!!

I saw this quote and it helped me deal with my family. Not all of it will apply, but I like the message:

"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.

~Daniell Koepke~"

Homophobia IS cruel and uncaring - and homophobes are not good people - but the message about letting go of toxic people even if they're family is a good one.

I am in utah and fully support human rights. Please know that you have my support!