My daughter is 15 and is in 10th grade in a Utah County high school. She told me a few days ago that a close friend of hers (a girl I am somewhat close to as well) had sex for the first time with a boy she'd not known for very long and was going steady with. My daughter asked her friend if they used protection. The answer was yes, but "They went a ways without it and decided to use some." (What does THAT mean: "They went a ways"?!) My daughter is now all worried that her friend might be pregnant. My daughter also has mixed feelings about her friend taking this step. She doesn't see her friend "as a slut" as she puts it, but she questions the wisdom of this step.

We have since had many discussions about this girl's choices and the choices of other friends "to experiment but not go all the way."

My daughter noted that many of these girls are not close to their parents and have low self-esteem. She feels this helps lead to these choices for risky behavior. My daughter also feels at this point that she'd not give her virginity until she was in a committed relationship with a young man who she believes really loves her.

I have expressed the hope to her that she waits until college--perhaps I am old-fashioned and unrealistic, but I honestly believe that in addition to the health risks and pregnancy risk of sex, that most high school kids are simply not emotionally equipped to deal with the fall out, the intense feelings that can come with sexual relationships. Or perhaps most high school kids indulge in it just for pleasure? (I have never been interested in sex for just fun and pleasure with people I barely know--I just can't relate to that.)

I have made it clear to my daughter that if she does decide to become sexually active, I want her to tell me and we'll get her on birth control. I won't be happy about it, but I will be realistic. I've reflected on whether this hesitancy on my part is leftover Catholic/Mormon guilt--I don't think so.

I'd be curious to know what more experienced parents of teens on this board think of high school teens having sex. Do you wish your kids would hold off? Do you think it's just inevitable and I should get over it? Do you think it's "natural" for high school teens to become sexually active?

I'm so grateful my girl will talk to me about these things. I hope she will continue to through high school.

Not that I'm in your position yet (my son is only 2), but I've been thinking about how the church and abstinence only sex Ed has damaged me and how I don't want that for my son. I recently watched this presentation by a sex Ed teacher who supports research based sexual education.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxEmPfZgbQ8

Hope it helps you with an informed approach to teaching and talking to your daughter.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2013 12:01PM by jonathantech.

I started having sex with my first boyfriend when I was 17 (he was 17 too). We were both virgins and had both received good sex educations. Neither of us were religious or came from religious homes.

His mother was fantastic; an ex-Catholic nun turned feminist activist - she sat us down once it was obvious that the boyfriend/her son and I were all lovey-dovey and made sure we had birth control, which we did, and then gave us the a-ok to have sex in her house. She even took the rest of the family out for dinner one night ("the night" hehe) so we could have complete privacy. It was lovely. And it was for a few years.

I felt ready, he did too and I have very fond memories of my first love and I think (hope) he does too. Awww...

I think some teens are ready, some are not. Same with people in their twenties. Hell, I've met people in their forties who should really be keeping their pants on.

Wow, the ex teenage boy in me thinks that woman is awesome, the current father of an 11yo in me isn't sure he could do that.

I hope my kids will wait, but I'm not holding my breath. They know that I will take them to the doctor for birth control at any time. They've had a slew of comprehensive sex ed, so I hope they will make good decisions and stay safe.

The idea of teen pregnancy scares the crap out of me. Unfortunately, so many teen girls decide to have the kid and keep it, which I think is the worst of all possible outcomes for everyone involved.

I don't think sex necessarily involves big emotional fallout. Some people, teens or not, handle all of that just fine. I was active at 17, and was very careful not to get pregnant, and it wasn't a negative thing at all.

Most? No.

Wow, it sounds like you are a great mom. I raised two daughters and now have a 15 year old granddaughter. I agree with your advice wholeheartedly. I wish that we had comprehensive sex ed in the schools. I think that teens should know that there are emotional consequences to having sex, as well as physical consequences. You can use a prophylactic to protect you physically, but there is no prophylactic that will protect you heart.

I don't think your guilt is talking, I think your wisdom and experience are talking.

jonathantech, thanks for the link to the video! Anything to keep my daughter and I both informed and talking . . .

Also check out this topic, it should make you feel good since you are actually doing very well to actually be having conversations with your child!
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,998585

All I know is, as a male teenager with a steady gf and several flings, I always knew I wasn't ready. It had nothing to do with my mormonism.

I just couldn't stand the thought of having sex "the first time" with any of the girls I dated. They weren't special enough. (shrugs)

Even after I got back from the mission I dated several girls and had a few flings (all non-members) and I had the same opportunities with each one, but just didn't want to with any of them.

Then I met my S.O. and everything changed. I had waited for her, and she had waited for me, and only a few months after meeting we made love the first time. 8 years later we're still together, happy as clams, with no desire to sow any "wild oats."

So everybody's different..

At 16, my body was ready, hell yeah!

But if anything had happened (pregnancy), we weren't mature enuf to deal with it. Others would've had to step in and direct us. I saw exactly that happen to a friend of mine in college.

"Most high school kids are simply not emotionally equipped to deal with the fall out, the intense feelings that can come with sexual relationships."

I agree with this statement. However, as a parent I think it is super important to do as you are doing and keep an open dialogue with your teenagers - that way if they do choose to have sex you can be there to help coach them through the intense emotional feelings.

I think having rules to try to prevent it is a bad approach. A "not in my house" is another bad approach. Better to discuss it openly just as you have - I really think you are already on exactly the right track with it.

Also, I think it is really common for young people, maybe especially young women, to have sex simply as a means of trying to find acceptance yet it leaves them empty and feeling less accepted in the end.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2013 01:21PM by The Oncoming Storm - bc.

I think whether a teenager is ready or not depends totally on the individual. I think that the problem most mormons run into is that they don't like to think that their kids will actually have sex so they never talk to them about all the possibilities. They don't sit down with their kids and talk about pregnancy or STD's they pretend that everything is perfect in their perfect little mormon family and rather than talk to their kids about having safe sex, they just tell them NOT to have sex, which is ridiculous because they are going to do it whether their parents believe they are or not, but if the parents don't teach their kids how to be responsible, that is when kids end up with STD's and unwanted babies.

My opinion, it is probably better, for a couple of reasons, for High School kids to wait until after they are out of school before engaging in sex. That said, it isn't exactly the end of the world when they do.

forbiddencokedrinker Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My opinion, it is probably better, for a couple of
> reasons, for High School kids to wait until after
> they are out of school before engaging in sex.
> That said, it isn't exactly the end of the world
> when they do.


Agree totally. I have always told younger cousins, friends, etc. that at least if they do screw up (in terms of contraception) and get pregnant after they've finished high school, they will have a high school diploma in hand if they end up as single mothers. Not as good as having a college degree, but it's better than nothing.

If they choose to parent, have an abortion, or give up the baby for adoption, they also will have (hopefully) a little more emotionally maturity to make such difficult decisions at that time than if they were still in high school.

Of course this advice applies to boys/young men too, though unfortunately, I believe it's still females who have mostly to deal with the consequences of unintended pregnancy. I will tell my boys as they grow older (they're toddlers now) that their dad and I will hold them responsible for any unintended pregnancies they may cause in the future--equally responsible as whomever they may impregnate, that is. My husband agrees with this.

I agree with that because it's hard to find privacy while you're IN school. At least wait until after band practice. ;>)

tell your DDs gf she's Ok;

EVERYONE KNOWS YOU CAN'T GET PREGGERS ON YOUR FIRST TIME!

/sarcasm

If not ready at least willing and able

I really like this essay. While covering other ground, it also covers youth and sex.

http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html

The pertinent section:

I'd have different worries about raising teenage kids in New York. I'd worry less about what they'd see, and more about what they'd do. I went to college with a lot of kids who grew up in Manhattan, and as a rule they seemed pretty jaded. They seemed to have lost their virginity at an average of about 14 and by college had tried more drugs than I'd even heard of.

The reasons parents don't want their teenage kids having sex are complex. There are some obvious dangers: pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. But those aren't the only reasons parents don't want their kids having sex. The average parents of a 14 year old girl would hate the idea of her having sex even if there were zero risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

Kids can probably sense they aren't being told the whole story. After all, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are just as much a problem for adults, and they have sex.

What really bothers parents about their teenage kids having sex? Their dislike of the idea is so visceral it's probably inborn. But if it's inborn it should be universal, and there are plenty of societies where parents don't mind if their teenage kids have sex—indeed, where it's normal for 14 year olds to become mothers. So what's going on? There does seem to be a universal taboo against sex with prepubescent children. One can imagine evolutionary reasons for that. And I think this is the main reason parents in industrialized societies dislike teenage kids having sex. They still think of them as children, even though biologically they're not, so the taboo against child sex still has force.

One thing adults conceal about sex they also conceal about drugs: that it can cause great pleasure. That's what makes sex and drugs so dangerous. The desire for them can cloud one's judgement—which is especially frightening when the judgement being clouded is the already wretched judgement of a teenage kid.

Here parents' desires conflict. Older societies told kids they had bad judgement, but modern parents want their children to be confident. This may well be a better plan than the old one of putting them in their place, but it has the side effect that after having implicitly lied to kids about how good their judgement is, we then have to lie again about all the things they might get into trouble with if they believed us.

If parents told their kids the truth about sex and drugs, it would be: the reason you should avoid these things is that you have lousy judgement. People with twice your experience still get burned by them. But this may be one of those cases where the truth wouldn't be convincing, because one of the symptoms of bad judgement is believing you have good judgement. When you're too weak to lift something, you can tell, but when you're making a decision impetuously, you're all the more sure of it.


END QUOTE

Physically, High school kids are ready for sex. Emotionally, that will vary from kid to kid. Socially, very few probably are ready for sex. Maturation is a really oddball thing in that it has a physical onset, but a social completion. Because of the complexities of our society, the rules and obligations surrounding sex and its outcomes, this is where most youthful sexual experiences really run into problems. And these problems are real even if there are no children or diseases.

I'm not against youth engaging in sex, but I don't encourage it either. I think there are societal responses that should adapt better to the reality, and plenty of (conservative mostly) parents who are blind to it and contribute unnecessarily to the poor societal outcomes.