One of the problems with Mormonism is that it doesn't just guide you through life. It wraps it's tentacles around your very definition of self. The church tells you how to live, who to be, where to donate your time and talents, it defines your morals for you, tells you what you want in a spouse, where you want to marry, what underwear to choose, how to live nearly every aspect of your life. Your ideal life is directed for you, instead of coming from someplace inside of you.

I read in a book recently, a letter from a woman to her boyfriend, apologizing for her obsessive, manipulative behavior saying "I was taught growing up that I was nothing without a man - without a husband and children. The man I married would define my life." She went on to break up with her boyfriend, saying she wouldn't be good with him til she found out who she was. How true was this for so many who pass through Mormonism? You are defined by who you marry, especially if you are a woman. Your choices and accomplishments are applauded if they are for the glory of Mormonism but dismissed or derided if they are not - no matter how much those decisions reflect the real you. I "belong" to the church of Jesus Christ ... It becomes your identity. They OWN you.

When that much of you is invested in any one thing, career, accomplishments, looks, religion, losing it shakes the very foundation of your soul. Who ARE you, if not LDS? What do YOU want? How do you know when you have never had to figure that out for yourself, except on the most shallow level? When there is no one to tell you how to be and who you are, how do you even begin to figure that out? To some extent, it's a relief. But it's also a very real loss. For Mormons to think we'd throw away so much of ourselves because we are offended is outrageous. It's a huge sacrifice we go through because our honor and integrity mean more to us than anything.

That loss of identity is also why Mormons find us so threatening. Our disbelief strikes at the very core of who they are and how they define themselves. Some people aren't ready to face the fact - not that the church isn't true but that they themselves aren't true. Devastating as it's been in many aspects, I'd rather face a complete rebuild than live a lie. But that's just me. Other people can't bear the thought.

It's ironic one of Mormons favorite Primary songs is "The wise man built his house upon a rock - the foolish man built his house upon the sand." Instead of knocking down their house and rebuilding on a rock, they shore up their shifting sands beach home, endlessly, with whatever junk they find.

I found that loss of identity really difficult to cope with in the early years of drifting out of Mormonism.

It was hard to introduce myself, because I was really ashamed of what I had been dedicating my life to in the years just before I began to leave the church. My whole adult life had been consumed by preparing to serve a mission, and BYU. What was I if not that?

What's more I didn't have the ability to relate well to people who had no experience with Mormons.

This made meeting new friends, interviewing for a job, and other everyday interactions painfully awkward.

In the intervening years, I have added new things to my life, which makes this easier. But that initial void was scary.

snowball Wrote:
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> What's more I didn't have the ability to relate
> well to people who had no experience with
> Mormons.

To a large extent, this is why I prefer editing to writing. Because I don't feel I have the ability to write something relevant to people who aren't LDS. My life has been so different that is really narrows down the things I can write about and still make the connection I want with my reader. I feel like I don't "get" real life well enough. It's getting better but there is still that disconnect. Combine that with trying to figure out who I am and it's back to proofreading because I'm drawing a blank creativity-wise.

very insightful, thanks for your post. Sometimes, depending on how much time or effort went into LDS programming, part or all of who we are gets intertwined with who we are. This separation can be difficult or impossible.

Even today as a post-mormon I still recognize the thought patterns, the songs pop in my head, the idea of ethics get mingled with LDS catchphrases and I see the world through the lens of an ex mormon.

I think that I am past the awkwardness with strangers, but it remains with LDS family and friends. Walking the endless eggshell field of what to say, what to talk about, what to wear, how to answer their endless hounding about the church or their sad silence over me leaving. I don't care for the church but I care for their feelings and I understand that their very existence hinges, as mine did on whether someone they love believe as they do.

I have met people who have gotten out of prison. Their situation is often similar. The positive thing, as with leaving prison is that we are free to reinvent ourselves. To revisit old thoughts, friends and sometimes, opportunities.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/28/2013 12:12PM by erictheex.

Reinventing yourself is both and opportunity and a curse, depending on how much a person let Mormonism boss them around. One thing cult experts have found is that decision-making is impaired when leaving a cult. The brain sort of shuts down, overwhelmed with the choices. When you are told in infinite detail what is right and what is wrong, it's like being caught in an avalanche of things you can't process, never having to do so before. And while trying to overcome the whole black-and-white thinking process. A "new you" is like the gold ring you have no idea how to get to. Maybe it's just baby steps - or whatever steps it takes to head in the right direction.

Agreed. One thing that helped me is to go on instinct. At first its scary, but you grown with confidence. Eventually logic will sharpen and your confidence gets build up over time. Before you know it you discover that you don't like beer anyway and you are funny and you don't care for reading fiction. But you are right, they are baby steps. Like a prisoner first has to get home, then deal with not having clothes, then trying to reach family, then getting a job...they cant figure it all out as they stand at the gate waiting for a ride.

I have found that when dealing with TBMs-they can't communicate or even carry on a conversation without bringing up the church. They can't have an "average" conversation that most nonmormons have about life. TSCC is really who they have become-and its not their fault. They were programmed to be that way.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/28/2013 01:39PM by habiff.

I can relate, both to the walking on eggshells and to brain shutting down to decision making. I had an old friend ask me if I was autistic, and I think she got that impression because I walk on eggshells in my conversations, and come accross awkward and unemotional. And I'm definitely having a hard time making decisions: going round and round in circles, second guessing, second guessing. . .

I think you are very right. It also probably comes close to why leaving was quicker and easier for me than for many others I have talked to: I had been redefining myself and my behavior, rebelling quietly and internally against those self perceptions, to the point where Mormonism was but a remaining sliver of my identity and it was easily shaken once my shelf collapsed. Not that it wasn't a hard experience, I just didn't feel like it threatened my identity by the time I left.

I also notice that my friends that are Mormon that are still my friends don't identify themselves as only a Mormon, but they have an identity that stands independent of the religion, allowing us to maintain a relationship without the evil apostate threatening their identity.

Maybe that's why I was able to leave too. I complain about how much Mormonism got under my skin but realistically, most active Mormons I know got it a lot worse. I had a nevermo Dad and relatives and was able to see outside the box. I had thoughts and experiences that didn't fit Mormonism but were positive and strengthening. My father saw to it that I had things outside of Mormonism that were me. Keeping one hand in reality gave me a hand to get a grip, when I needed one.

The same thing for me. When I finally walked away the morg was not part of my identity. This was after years of on-again, off-again activity in the church and guilt. Half my family were nevermos and the other half TBM so I had good examples of good people away from the cult to help me. I was also very fortunate to have been raised by two very strong women (mom & stepmom) who had their own careers.

I was one of the lucky few who disbelieved for years before hanging up the Mormon saddle.

I built a new identity and even adjusted my life's "purpose" so the act of ending participation wasn't as hard of a blow for me.

Some people have called me a coward for taking so long. Even DW called me a "fraud." Everyone is probably right. But I knew leaving prematurely would serve only to f___ me up. I did what was right for my personality, my family situation, etc...

I totally get this one. Especiallly for those who were BIC, (it's been hard for me to learn to be understanding about...) , but those who were BIC -- it's intertwined psychologically in their identity (being mormon), but may be they don't follow the religion exactly as their parents would have them or they fake along making parents happy, but Mormonism is still a part of their experience and Completely rejecting it is like Completely rejecting themselves. I joined Mormonism Freely and Left Mormonism Freely, so it's not as Big of an Identity Crisis for me, being an Adult Convert, but I joined in my early twenties so the Idea of Who I am and who I choose to be was InComplete and Halted when I joined the Church. I had to put together who I was before I joined etc... and be okay with myself today.

I can relate to what everyone wrote. I felt the identity crisis so keenly, that I decided to take charge of my own life, and do something about it. This was too much, too soon, and extremely exhausting! Every time I would slip back into Mormon-mode, I would beat myself up. Now I couldn't be a "good enough" ex-Mormon! You just can't suddenly rush into being perfectly normal, after a lifetime of being a brainwashed Mormon. The more seriously you took the religion, the more damage it did, and the harder it is to become right with the world. I'm talking 4-8 years, for me.

As soon as I learned to love and accept myself, I started to recover. There will be parts of your "identity" that are dear to you, that are great human qualities to have, that can be developed as talents and careers. The idea is to sift out the good, and discard the bad. And it is not all good and bad, black and white. For example, the Mormons frowned on certain personal qualities, such as a good sense of humor, creativity, individuality, curiosity, brilliance, new ideas, rebellion, leadership, self-confidence, independence, joy, and more. I finally got it! Instead of annihilating myself (I had suicidal thoughts) for not fitting in, I decided to save myself. I was worth something to myself, and to my family. I started small. I gave up the false notion that I was ever to be of great value in saving many lost souls, or that I was going to "influence the masses for good."

Scrape away the Mormon glop that sticks to the surface of your skin, and you will find most of yourself is un-damaged. You are still there. All you need to do is pick and choose the qualities you want to augment. Have fun with it! Make little mistakes on purpose, to ease you fear of making mistakes. Do things backwards, as there is no ONE RIGHT WAY. Make stupid jokes that bomb. Take small chances. Writing that letter of resignation was a huge step in standing up for my rights as a human being, and it felt great! My career has benefitted from y new confidence. My health has improved. The Sunday depression is gone for good. You will be amazed at what has been buried by the cult all those years.

Mormonism robs you of your youth, so when you leave you don't have the coping skills for life that people have who were raised outside the Church.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/28/2013 06:58PM by behindcurtain.

Losing my Religion was a better song.

And they have to dump the religion to gain their own identity.