Well my husband approached me last night about a friend of his who is having a bachelor party at a strip club. I have for my entire life, been against strip clubs. Not to mention a former bf and I broke up over a lie that involved a strip club, so over all the place has left a bad taste with me...

As a new-non-momber of the mormon faith I am beginning to open myself to new sexual posibilities. Pornography being one of them. I enjoy lesbian porn (mostly bc the women are not objectified but I can still enjoy the rest of it) but I think, in my brain I accept pornogrophy on a computer more than I do a strip club. A strip club is personal, you are THERE. They cna touch you... I am a mother of two children, my body is not as it was, so then there is also some insecurity issues that follow. I KNOW my husband would not risk losing his family over some strip club experience, but I still feel nervous about him going. He did ask, and I told him I would be nervous but ok with it. I want him to know I trust him there. I want him to have this chance to show me that I am silly for being so worried and uncomfortable with it. I dont want to be THAT wife and say "NO you can't go!"... bc he is a grown man. But I do want him to know that I have hesitations and some nervousness about it. :/ Am I doing the right thing? Am I silly to be so concerned about a strip club?

ok men... to those of you who have gone...is it really as smutty as TV makes it? Are there back tables where you can sit and NOT get lap dances? I have no idea what the environment is like. :/

I really would not worry. Those women see a million different men staring them down. They are not interested in being with them. Unless your husband is incredibly attractive, or has bucket loads of money to throw at them, I don't see a problem. Nothing will transpire, many of these clubs have a no touch policy, and there are bouncers who will enforce that.

I think the fact that he told you the truth and came to you about it is a good thing. I think you should let him go.

Now if he had lied about it, it would be worrisome, but he is being honest.

Anyway I would to worry, those women do not even want to be there. They are putting on a show for money, they are not looking for sex. They could not give two shits about the guys staring at them. It is all fake fanfare to make the boys throw them a few dollars.

I would not worry, sorry typo

1) Very sweet that he's considering your feelings by telling you about this rather than just going out and lying about where he's going.

2) As a woman I understand your concern about your husband going to such a place, admiring other woken's bodies live and in person, women with perfect bodies trained to dance seductively with no inhibitions (oops now I'm getting turned on).

3) As a woman whose husband has been there, done that, and he even paid for a lap dance then told me about it, here's my report: No sex is had. Husband found it sexually frustrating. He prefers the real thing with a woman who has made a commitment to him.

Boys will be boys. Let 'em have their fun.

*women's

Plus those chicks are dirty, like skanky smells bad looks nasty dirty. That's why they keep the lights so low.

Thanks you guys. I'm very very glad he talked to me about it first as well, and didn't lie about it. Communication is something that we have recently REALLY become good at in our marriage. HAHA only took 4 years to really communicate. ;)

"risk losing his family over some strip club experience"

there won't be any sex - these women are not prostitutes - really, you should be much more concerned if your husband was like, "honey, I think i'll try that new 'asian' massage parlor..."

trust me, your husband is not the type of guy those girls would have sex with anyway - strippers are notorious for going for the total loser/bad boy types

take a deep breath and repeat after me: it's just skin...

qualifications: former roommate was a stripper (oops! I mean 'dancer' lol)

HAHA ya...that would be worse. Thanks!

In the historical and present day context of women's non-equality and women being esteemed for their fuckibility over other qualities they possess as human beings, strip clubs are just another example of that and just another slap in the face of womankind (for the most part).

I don't have a problem with nudity or people dancing naked - I've been nude on nude beaches, streaked, skinny-dipped etc - but I do have a problem with traditions that stem from sexist ideas about women and their sexuality. Not that it's all bad and sexist - but in reality, most of it is precisely that. And many men and some women will perform feats of mental gymnastics to attempts to assert otherwise.

Additionally, the whole tradition of the bachelor party with strippers is just so nauseatingly tacky. I'd never be with a bloke who thought that was cool. It's like finding out your lover has a fondness for black velvet paintings. Instant turn off.

IOWs, I don't blame you for being upset. I would find my dude (if I had one) a lot less attractive if he were to participate in such a tradition. It's a complete turn off to me.

To be fair the stigma has evolved. Women are not solely in the career alone now. My most recent visit to the Las Vegas strip I must have seen 5 huge bill boards advertising the men who strip called the "thunder down under" which is frequented by women and gay men.

Heck in this crippled economy, man or woman, if you have the body and can make a decent penny doing it, why not. That is if you enjoy it. I do think it is a shame when people do it and do not want to be there though.

I'm aware of male strippers. I've slathered oil soaked dollar bills (hey I'm cheap, lol) on a few in gay clubs in my time. And I've seen the Chippendales or whatever they're called (and they were awful).

But you're not really understanding my point - it's not the stigma (of what, I'm not entirely sure what you mean here), it's the inequality and the social context.

I mean really 5 whole bill boards all advertizing one strip show featuring male strippers. It's a drop in the bucket in a sea of adverts featuring female strippers... in a cultural that is still massively sexist and that hold women's fuckibility as their primary value.

Oh yes, those 5 whole bill boards make the world of difference don't they. Mental gymnastics.

Can I assume that you like black velvet paintings? ;-)

Not exactly, I am not really into slut shaming either. Because I know there are women who actually enjoy what they do, and who am I to make them feel like they should not be able to do it because someone views it as improper or unequal.

I am aware that we need to keep working towards equality, Women need to be paid equally. A recent study just emerged that showed women who were physicians made 52% less then their male counter parts. Those type of issues should be addressed. Absolutely no doubt in my mind.

We need to continually promote a society that the women in the world can do anything the men can do and vise versa, although we should still respect those women who wish and choose to do things that others may deem traditional/unimportant/ or provocative. I know women who wish to be stay at home moms, and that is fine by me. It is their choice. I also know women in law school, that is fine by me, that is their choice. Neither should be shamed for their choice. A stripper should not be slut shamed if that is what she chooses to do. There are some ladies who make good money doing it and they are recognized stars for it.

Yes, men have objectified women, and we of course should not allow society to continue doing that, but we do walk a fine line that we need to respect the powerful women who are beautiful and want to show it. While I respect your opinion, I would hope you could respect women who choose that industry and wish to make a legitimate career of it.

Oh, please. I'm not slut shaming. If you have ever followed my posts, you'd know that instantly. I'm a sex-positive feminist.

It's not slut-shaming, it's sexism-shaming that I'm doing.

I have no beef with women who chose this line of work. However, I do have a huge beef with the industry and aspects of culture that finds it ok to perpetuate the sexism within the industry.

"Yes, men have objectified women, and we of course should not allow society to continue doing that, but ...."

Yeah, but...

I'm not sexist, but...

Again, it's not the strippers I have a problem with. It's what the whole idea of a strip club and more specifically what a bachelor party at a strip club represents.

It can represent; sexism, being ok with sexism, perpetuating sexism, valuing women for their fuckibility over their humanity, male privilege, inequality and a dismissal of authentic female sexuality.

So yeah, attempt to cast me as someone who slut shames. And I've noted you didn't answer about the black velvet paintings... ;-)

I agree, world culture has an enormous influence on how women feel about themselves, but even more importantly, mens FASLE, perception that women are only good for sexual objects.

Yet the problem is the catch 22 this creates. Many women will continue to pursue such careers, even if they are empowered by this knowledge. There are women who are proud of their bodies, and like the effect they have on a man.

While of course it is BLATANTLY obvious that men objectify women as sexual objects, it is sort of needed for this industry to survive. What I am trying to get at is, the fact that some women, especially in this industry probably do not care what these men think, and depend on the thought process of men to be successful in their career.

You cannot really support women in this industry if you are decrying the very dynamics of how it works.

Also, the world has improved greatly. This industry has subjugated and continues to subjugate this thought process of what a woman is, WITHIN the industry. It has developed a entirely different entity unknowingly of its own, differentiating from what a woman really is in 2013. There is a reason men go to a strip bar, because it is a fantasy, it is not real. Women do not act that way, strippers are entertainers. Much like people go to a drag show to see drag queens. I do know plenty of people that think that all gay men are parading around as drag queens because of a a few shows. That dogma is still being worked on. The same applies in the stripper world, but it has surely made HUGE strides. I do not deny we have a way to go.

I ride on the shoulders of great women. I was raised by women, the men in my life did not really stick around. Many of the women in my family have led the fight of equality through example. I was raised by my grandmother, a principal and college professor.

Thank you, Mr Nadia Comaneci, lover of the black velvet paintings.

Sorry, I do not happen to own any.

Anyway, I need to peace out and let my stripper friend know that I need to have a chat with her customers about objectifying women at strip clubs, and bringing it home.

I totally support her choice to pursue the career, but boy I better ensure that these men respect her and keep their eyes where they belong. We wouldn't want them to fantasize about anything at a strip club and create notions of what women really are. They would never be able to take Sarah Palin or Hillary Clinton serious again because they would only see them on a pole.

I was hoping that powerful women such as those listed above and others such as Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Dengenress would really tell us what the women of 2013 where like, but unfortunately the strippers on the strip have overshadowed them.

Anyway, when I am done with these guys I guess the ladies in this industry will need to pursue another career. Talk about empowering women, we can make choices for them, who cares what they want to do.

Again, you misconstrue my point as denigrating women who work as strippers, instead of my point being as being a critique of the sexism within the industry and culture that perpetuates the sexism as ok.

There is a massive difference here.

And if going to a strip club is "just fantasy" why is the OP upset that her man might be going to one? Why is FCD's female friend's hubby coming home from one with a hard-on? Why should concrete reality experienced by many women take a back seat to male sexual fantasy? And why should women be made to feel like "prudes" (when they are not) for saying, "hold on! your idea of fantasy is a really tacky and makes me not want to have sex with you" ... instead of men being held accountable for being crass, unenlightened or pathetically unsexy?

I for one wouldn't want to have sex with a man who comes home from a strip club, covered in another womans scent from lap dances and is all hot n' bothered from watching her. And who gave her money all night that would of been better spent on me! If I am not enough to "float his boat" then he best be single or find someone else.

And that is when it becomes a matter between the couple. What they may or may not feel comfortable with. If a person in the relationship does not feel that an action is appropriate, the other person in the relationship should respect that. If that person cannot respect that, then they will potentially face the consequences of the relationship ending.

Just because couple a,b, or c does not feel comfortable with something, does not imply couples d,e, and f would not be comfortable with it as well.

Also, to insinuate that every man who goes to a strip club is ruining his relationship at home is unfounded.

There are many styles of relationships, and differing opinions of sexuality. There are many levels of comfort in a relationship, and neither is right or wrong, but what I am trying to draw from this entire conversation is that it is not at all a black and white issue. There is no simple blanket solution for this. Our conversation has to come to a head where it would fall in the laps of the couple in question, and there could be many varying answers and conclusions drawn and no one should be shamed for that either. If couple a decides hubby/wife should not go to a strip club, I respect that completely. If couple b decides it is okay for hubby/wife to go to a strip club I respect that as well without undermining that decision or questioning the result of it.

Well, duh.... there are people who have different boundaries about sex and sexuality within relationships. Thanks for stating the obvious, Mr Comaneci, lover of the black velvet. But the point is, the OP had/has a legitimate concern that she posted quite coherently about in the first post of this thread (that you have tried to dismiss through your posts - and don't attempt to deny this, your posts speak for themselves) that she is not happy about her dude attending a festivity that celebrates male-privilege and sexist traditions.

I completely support her disgust about it - you've just apologized for it.

... Do you see any similarity with this and Mormon apologism?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2013 04:59AM by spaghetti oh.

The club owners and the bartenders can be absolute dicks about "their girls" making enough money and the DJs can be absolute slimeballs, too. There are customers that are revolting and have horrible attitudes towards the dancers, even for misogynists. I've also never understood why the dancers have to pay the house a "stage fee" when they're the ones doing all the work and hustling.

Some get too caught up in the seedy aspect of it and either have or get some expensive habits, but plenty just see it as a way to make a living and stay out of the drama.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sto9uCuJRaM

Also, watch this video, this woman talks about stripper culture. She states that it is okay if women to engage in the activity if they are doing it for the right reasons. She touches on what you said, and agrees that women should not engage in stripping if they are doing it because they believe that their worth revolves around as you stated their "fuckability" that was established over the past centuries.

I have a female friend that sends her husband out to the strip club on a regular basis. She handles all the finances, so he has to ask her for money, if he wants to get a lap dance. She always gives it to him. I asked her why she does, to which she replied that since he spends the whole night letting younger women get him all horny, and since those young women will not sleep with him, she always enjoys the best nights of sex after he comes home. Just a consideration.

I'd been totally off-put by that.

"Oh hey, spaghetti, I'm all horny because I've a bunch of nekkid women I had gyrating on my lap but since I can't fuck them do you mind if I use your orifices?"

It might work for your friend, FCD, but don't kid yourself, most women would not find that a turn-on, at all. And probably, in most cases, quite the opposite.

What do you think about women who go with their spouses to a strip club and enjoy it?

I'm just asking because it's also quite frequent for partners to go. I used to go with my ex-husband at least once a month. I had other men paying for my lap dances, I enjoyed talking and hanging out with the dancers, several who became friends, loved watching the pole gymnastics, (Polympics anyone?) and fun costumes.

I can't imagine going to a male strip club because I would collapse into giggles the first second some dude came out flopping his banana hammock in my face.

He told you about it. I'm going to assume he is NoMo as well? Remember, these places have been forbidden fruit your entire lives. Once you've been to one...meh. The music is too loud, the drinks are overpriced, the girls look bored half the time. Not all of them are skanky/smelly, yet another wonderfully perpetuated slut shaming example. Plus, they want the money, not the man.

Ask him about the experience once he gets home. But don't do it in an accusatory way, ask simple questions out of curiousity.

Where's dogzilla? Isn't she a former dancer?

nevermoaz Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> they want the money, not the man.

^ this

Significant other stripped for a bit. Whole nine yards.

If you don't mind your husband being played for money (I assume he won't), then I give it a thumbs up.


Yes, it probably is 'seedy'. Guys may ejaculate. Girls will pretend. Lap dances. VIP rooms. It's all a transaction. Business as usual.


Bottom line, if you dislike him having sexual experiences without you, disallow it.

I've known a lot of strippers...some are good people and some are shitty people, just like everyone else in the world. When people call strippers skanky, I think it's probably because they have a lot of misogynistic views about women in general or are insecure.

Lemme tell you, you get more respect stripping than you do waiting tables- If some customer starts acting like an asshole or getting grabby, he gets the "parking lot dance" at no charge. Snapping at a grabby customer while waiting tables is likely to get you fired or disciplined.

The main parts of this particular job is entertainment and selling a fantasy; Some do a little side work that goes beyond just the basic entertainment. It's just a job where you get a few more choices and decisions than other places of work. If you're good and know how to work the crowd, you make bank, work a few days a week, and spend plenty of time with your kid(s).

" work a few days a week"

yep - former roommate used to dance one or two nights a week locally and do a week in vegas every couple of months -if she could've handled her shit better (not blowing her $ on bizarre shit like burning man golf carts and circus equipment for the backyard lol ) she probably could've worked even less - I didn't know anything about the specifics of her money but her and her friends always had plenty to burn/party with

I don't know if she can get away with that now but in her prime... yeah

and yes - sharing a house with (but not f*king) a stripper made for interesting times indeed - i'd say that year pretty much pushed the 'recovery from mormonism' into lightspeed lol

/still love you girl (just in case...)
//and no - I never saw her naked or went to her club
///slashies come in 3s

In my opinion...If it makes you uncomfortable, he should have enough respect and love for you to not go. You will always "wonder" what really went on and won't know if he is ever telling you the complete truth. And you "WILL" ask and want to know what went on. The majority of men will lie to preserve their partners feelings,or only tell the partial truth. If a lie comes out later, then you now have damaged trust in the relationship, and that can be devastating.
This will lead to to many questions that will cause contention in the relationship. If you were totally fine with it and the idea of him going didn't bother you, well then you wouldn't of posted this here. I for one would not want my significant other at a strip club. If he wants to do that crap, then he sure has hell doesn't need me. There are totally "nude" clubs, and places where they can get private lap dances. And yes, ((some)) girls will do "anything" for money and will even whore themselves out on the side. Add alcohol, other guys, and testosterone and well... Anything is possible.
Maybe ask him if he would want you watching, lusting after other men? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. But it might be a different story if he was in your shoes. If I were you, I'd object to this and save yourselves the problems that are sure to follow. It is already a problem. Because if you were fine and comfortable with it, you wouldn't be here seeking advice. Just my two cents, good luck & best wishes!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/07/2013 03:42AM by moronismistress.

Moroni's Mistress Wrote:
The majority of men will lie to
> preserve their partners feelings,or only tell the
> partial truth.

not in my relationship. (?) Let him have fun. Chances are he will come home and want sex with you. It's just a dumb ritual, let him have fun and when it's your turn to do something for a friends wedding he will have to shutup and let you. It's naked skin for hells sake, not someone trying to break up a family

If you have reservations about him going you will be pissed off when he comes home. When he has sex with you his mind will be doing a stripper girl while doing you. Nice fantasy for him! Sucks to be you...

Sorry for being blunt...but that's reality. You enjoy porn yourself so this should be okay. Sounds like a good healthy relationship...

Men and women will never see eye to eye or understand each other on this point so it's best you - as an individual - make up your mind and it seems you have.

My wife HATES HATES HATES strippers. And many women do, so you are not alone at the end of the day. Lots of men - who equally like tits and ass - wont do strip joints.

My thoughts: strip joints are safe zone areas created so men (people, these days) can break social mores. People think its sexist to go to a strip joint...no shit! And its safe and legal sexism. You can touch a woman and not go to jail...no need to ogle a women and feel awkward, just stare right at her cooch and pay her to gyrate. It's one notch up the ladder from a legal brothel. Women who work there CHOOSE to work there to fill a need in the market: men can act like idiots and break normal social rules that exist on the street for the night.