Debating leaving the church has seriously been such a mind fu#k for me. I don't even know what to do now that it all might be lies. It's all I've ever known and lived for. Husband is still a TBM. I have no idea what to think. This is all so painful, and I am so angry that god tricked me like that for most of my life. Can't imagine getting through this in one piece. Ending things would be a lot easier, as long as there was nothing after death. But what if there is? I can't imagine that the punishment for suicide would be very pleasant. Anyone else with overwhelming suicidal thoughts??

I wouldn't end my life over this cult (TSCC as we call it). Granted, it is heart breaking, because you've got a lot of emotional investment in it after all this time and energy you've put into it. It's kind of like a long time intimate relationship you're breaking up. But life goes on and you get over it. So, it takes time. Don't rush it.

Hey, if I haven't killed myself yet over this, no one else should either. I won't minimize what you're going through; comparatively you may be quite fine...during the course of my realization of this great church hoax, I also went through a divorce, lost my children, my grandmother, had my heart broken on top of all that, and struggle with severe cyclothymia, a 13-year-old car that's been holding on for dear life, joblessness, domicile uncertainty. Hey I'm still alive though I dream of the feeling of a cold, refreshing gun barrel in my mouth on a regular basis. Just keep living :-)

I am SO sorry for all the pain you feel anon1989 and you too Lenima. I am 20 years down the track and I was like you Lenima, I lost everything. So I had a choice, to die (I didn't want to suicide I just think with all the guilt loaded on me I would have developed some sort of illness that would have taken me), or to keep going. I made the latter choice and made a whole new life for myself. Buuuuut without the help of a wonderful counsellour, I would not have survived it all.

So Anon, PLEASE find someone to talk to, a professional person would be great, but even a close friend is GREAT! I promise you the anger and the total disallusionment will pass and you will sort through each situation as it arises. It is all part of the grieving process from something that was SO important to us, and now means nothing. You will both come out of this stronger women, I can promise you that, and there will be endless wisdom in what you learn. Please keep trying, and remember you are NOT alone.


I send my love to you both!

"God" did not trick you! You are a human being, subject to emotional manipulation and brainwashing. You are especially vulnerable when you are young, and you are probably a "born-in-the-covenant." You didn't have much of a chance, little one.

Congratulations for discovering the Truth! Most of us went through a hard time, when we really understood that the Mormon church is a cult, and that Joseph Smith was a con-man. A man-made cult based on money, polygamy, power, and arrogance HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GOD OR CHRIST.

If you want to, you can pray right now, and find that God is still there. In fact, how do you know that God didn't help you find out the truth?

The first few days I found out how really horrible the Mormon cult is (my children were abused by the priesthood leaders) and I found out a few of the secrets and lies), I prayed. I decided that I would stay strong and keep my faith in God, throughout all of this. I would also continue to follow Christ, and not Joseph Smith. The Mormons were nasty to me, and it was comforting to know that they have no power from God.

Those false Mormon threats might be haunting you tonight. My bishop, home teacher, the stake president, and various male neighbors threatened me, when we resigned. They said that I would get sicker (I have a chronic illness, but I've been quite well). They said that I would fail financially, if I stopped paying tithing. (I didn't suffer in the recession, and my job brings in more than ever, plus the extra 10%.) They said that my children would fail in life, without the church. (They are happy, educated, own houses nearby, and are the finest people I know!) It took me several years to stop having nightmares about the Mormon church, and to realize that there are no such thing as "VooDoo curses" and superstition. God helped me understand that He is not that Mormon "God" who hates gays, once withheld privileges from Black people, who wants a mall built in his honor while children are sick and starving. I know you get what I'm saying. The Mormon cult is not God's work.

Hang in. Even though you will be love-bombed and shunned by the punitive Mormon people, there is Love in the world. Keep loving your husband, and keep posting on RFM. You will find a way to gently tell the Truth to your husband. You must put him first! If he remains an active Mormon, there are posters who will have good advice for you, to keep the peace between the two of you, to save your marriage.

Another thing that helped me endure the shock and the loss of friends, was the happiness I felt in my heart. My children and I rejoiced in our new life. Mormonism is a very oppressive and negative organization. Every Christian service I attended, in my search for a new church, had a sermon that was up-lifting. Even a walk out in nature was more uplifting than a Mormon meeting.

You will get through this. (((hugs)))

I think that suicidal thoughts are usually the result of suddenly feeling rejected by significant portions of your social network because of your convictions and integrity--things you can't and don't want to change.

As Ex-Mormons, even if the Mormons in your life don't explicitly signal that you are not "one of them" anymore, I would think our brains become quite threatened about why all of a sudden we might have a shameful reputation by a large number of people. The intensity of the shame can be so great that our brain then reasons the only escape from it is to die. The brain is capable of doing this because it doesn't realize that shame is not a material object that can be escaped.

The brain is in part a shame generator machine. It evolved to make us feel bad when we do something that disappoints our social network according to the socialization and conditioning we have had.

If you are feeling trapped by what might happen to your reputation if you reveal your disbelief, then try to reach out and connect with at least a few people, face to face if possible, who you know will respect you unconditionally no matter what you believe, and tell them everything you are thinking and feeling.

Some ideas on who to open up to:
Your least judgmental friend or family member
A non-Mormon friend
Post-Mormon Meetup groups
Continue to open up here on the message board
Your husband, but only share a little bit at a time in a very gentle way

The more experiences you have where you feel validated and accepted unconditionally for who you are, the more you will feel at ease and ready to face some degree of shaming for being open about your disaffection. Suicidal thoughts should then decrease.

This has been my experience. I have had suicidal thoughts off and on over the last few years since my disaffection. They flare up when I stop opening up about my feelings with my close relationships. They vanish when I take time to open up and bond with those who appreciate me unconditionally and to reciprocate the same for them.

+1

Hey there. I have wondered the same things myself. I have also had a really hard time getting through it all--that my whole life up until now was centered around this church world-view but is suddenly no longer. I have wondered if there is a life after this or a god or something but I believe that if there is then they understand full well what I have gone through to come to the conclusion that the LDS church is not for me. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts about it as well, especially when I think a lot about how many things in my life seem irreparably messed up. I am dropping out of BYU right now because the stress of trying to keep up with the work there, my family, my own needs, and especially having that feeling that the church might still have some power over me has been far too great. I will be much healthier from here on out and I feel very free. Like the others have said, this will take time for you and despite how bad some things may look or how betrayed you might feel there is always some good in this world worth fighting and waiting for. Introduce information to your husband slowly and be respectful. If it doesn't work out then you still have you. You are powerful and free, especially now that you are casting off such heavy repression that comes from the LDS church. Let us know if you need anything. I hope our experiences of coping with such a difficult decision can help support you through this. And you can get out your feelings here too!

I applaud your courage for, first of all, being honest about your feelings and second, for sharing them here. Know that you are not alone; that most of us here have been there and done that. We have been angry that we have been treated the way we have---dishonestly and with no respect. I hit a low place where I was so angry at the church and so angry about the home life I was brought up in, that I thought I did not have a chance in hell to change and might as well forget it all and end it. I was very depressed. After several twists and turns, I connected with an excellent counselor and also with some very good authors who shared their journey with their words.

I will not tell you that it was easy---it was a lot of hard work. But I feel very fortunate that I was able to get help, and fortunate that I now feel so good and happy to be alive and happy to be me.

Please hang in there. I care about you, as I know others here do also. Counseling for me was a wonderful option and I do highly recommend it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2013 02:01AM by presleynfactsrock.

Talk to him. Start slowly. I stopped attending before dh and frankly was scared to really fully deal with my feelings. I started having a racing heart and wasn't sleeping and came clean. Lo and behold he felt the EXACT same way. The most important thing is to talk to your spouse first. You are not alone and we have all been there at one point or another. Good luck and keep us posted!

Damn 1989, this is more serious than I thought...

Thanks everyone for your responses. I will try to hang in there. If my thoughts become more overwhelming (if that's possible) I will try to seek some help. It's very unfortunate that all of my close friends are TBM..

In my experience, I bet you have friends that are doubting too and don't ever say anything because they think everyone they know is TBM. I bet there are people in your very circle that if you opened up to would be in the same boat and feel better that they had someone too. I wish you well, don't hurt yourself and please talk to your spouse. Start slow and easy. Thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Thanks. DH is not the easiest person in the world to talk to.. One of my best friends is TBM, but she is a recent convert with a difficult past, so I'm hoping she will understand. Thanks for the tips. Sorry about the anonymity, I am a frequent poster here and did not want to blow my cover.

I too found out about the falseness of the moron church before my husband did. Now, we did already have conversations about all the nasty things Mormons were saying/ doing to me and dh also knew that when our ds was 18 and no longer a child that I would not be attending the church as I didn't like the way I was treated by th eleadership etc. So he knew I wasn't tbm any more for a long time.

Start out with an issue that he may have a problem with also. My dh was a missionary and there have been posts about how horrid mission presidents were, or missionary life (maybe in the archives). Then i'd ask him if that was the case with HIS mission pres. also. See, I realized there was a difference between anti Mormon and ex Mormon. If this had been identified as anti Mormon i'd have never come on. But seeing what a bunch of used-to-be Mormons thot about their religion and their experiences would be interesting ( ie did others hate garments as much as I did?

So go slowly, a little at a time.

About the suicidal thots. You belong to a church that wasn't just a nice sunday meeting. They were everywhere- in the bed, in the clothing, in your spare time, in your volunteer work. If you are in Utah, in your job too, in your friendships.

I would say that is like a family. If you suddenly found out your reatives were some destructive horrific gang members they didn't tell you anything about, you'd be devastated. Or if your spouse just mentioned he wanted a divorce out of the blue. It's a big part of your life that will change now. \not just which parking lot you park your car in on Sunday mornings.

Take it slowly, if you have to go for awhile still while you sort it out then so be it. there are no commandments for how t leave a cult. Or when.

If you have to attend for awhile do it as an observer now, giving you something to discuss with dh on the way home from church.

ie: Sweetie, when Bishop xxx said we should pay tithing instead of the mortgage, what did you think? I thot.... because...

You can skip the RS meeting if you want, if dh wouldn't notice or care- become part of the hall group. There you may find others who are only part believers too. I found that I had a new group of friends- the non-tbm's who don't necessarily want to leave the church so i'm not saying to deconvert them, but aare fun to hang around with.

Good luck. It's been 5 yrs or so since I left and it's getting easier. We moved to a whole new city before I left and part of me wanted the instant community of church. I didn't give in to that- except that I let the home teachers over til I found he wasn't there 'as a friend' llike he and his wife said they were, but as a regular hometeaching visit. Then we stopped it. It does take time.

I have joined toastmasters, which has given me a small group of people to hang out with once every couple of weeks. And maybe i'll even learn to be more chatty!

Good luck. keep a journal of things you are happy about our grateful for each day, to help you remember that not everything about your life sucks. Later as you read it over, it will be a good read.

Finding out the morg is a crock, is like finding out your spouse has been cheating on you for years. The anaolgy works on so many levels, it's spooky.



So now you begin the grieving process (losing the church, for what you thought it was).

And it will be excruciatingly painful, because you've invested so much of your emotional energy into your relationship with the church, up to this point in your life.



But the other side is so sweet. The journey will be worth the pain (at least it was for me).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2013 03:33PM by schlock.

I agree, it is like cheating...which is why if and when your spouse leaves, it feels like double cheating!

Yep, and I lost my relationship with the morg, and then my relationship with my spouse, within the space of 5 years.

Both losses left me devastated.

But now, couldn't be happier.

Today, I wouldn't give either the morg or my ex two giggles if they asked.

And I'm hoping the OP will see that there can be happiness and freedom at the end of this journey of anguish that she's undertaken. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of grieving to get to that point. And its going to hurt - hard - for a while.

It can be hard, for me it feels sometimes I am a like great fountain of negative emotions. It just keep pumping and pumping. I admitted to myself that I have some kind of emotional disorder. Twenty years of abuse does not go away so fast. From time to time I have had suicidal thoughts but I love the life in freedom I got and it is possible to get stronger.

Hang on!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2013 03:56PM by volrammos.

This reply isn't as deep as the ones above. I agree with what people have been saying, hang on! That said...

Do you have any goals? Long term goals? a bucket list? If I were you, I'd sit down and write a list of goals.

You could include:

Things you want to do (See Cats, climb Mt Everist, teach a kid how to read)

Hobbies you want to develop (Learn to golf, make jewelry)

Exercise or fitness goals (These can be fun to work on if you join a group!)

Places you want to go (France, Italy, the Bahamas)

Skills you want to learn (Sewing,car repair, dancing lessons)

School or work goals (are you working? Do you want to?)

Do you have any passions? Things you've always wanted to do? You have time now! You're no longer controlled by a cult!
It will take TIME to come out of this. You have a world of opportunities and things you could do. You can do anything you want to. (((hugs))) I hope your life gets easier, take care.