How long did it take for you to make a full transition out?

Did you have a period of time where you felt kinda down? How long did it take for you to feel normal?

A month ago I went and sat down in church for 15 minutes, and then I was like, "nope, I can't do this," and got up and left. I haven't been back since and I am not going.

It taking me a while to mentally reconcile all this change. I haven't been fully into church for the past few years, but it still just kinda sucks, for some reason that I can't exactly put my finger on....

I was born into the church, I guess throwing away a belief system just takes some time to adjust to, especially when it filled so much of your life before.

I would like to know this also. Some days I feel amazing, liberated, enlightened... other days, not so much.

The stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Everyone works through them in their own way.

I keep thinking I am finished with this bologna--but then I go back to anger. I eventually move on to depression and feel sorry for all the TBM's I know. How can smart people be so stupid??? And then I get angry again.

It is getting better with time. But I can't just move on yet.

You were fully indoctrinated and it takes time to overcome that. I was a total believer but I had it easier because I was a convert and had a life before Mormonism. What took time for me was getting over the anger. I was angry at myself for being duped into joining and giving over so much money to a for profit corporation and angry at the organization, not really the people, for doing that to me. I still am angry but I'm dealing with it better. I don't fly into a rage when Mormonism becomes a topic in conversation.

I think it scares me a bit to be without a readymade support system now. I have to work a little harder to meet people and create worthwhile associations. It's hard work but the results are far superior to the associations I had at LDS, Inc. My friends are real friends. They aren't assigned to me or fair weather. They truly care. That's better for me.

I feel victorious. It's not all smooth sailing. They caught me in their web of deceit. But I wrangled myself free and that is something to be proud of very single day.

Funny Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How long did it take for you to make a full
> transition out?
>
> Did you have a period of time where you felt kinda
> down? How long did it take for you to feel
> normal?
>
> A month ago I went and sat down in church for 15
> minutes, and then I was like, "nope, I can't do
> this," and got up and left. I haven't been back
> since and I am not going.
>
> It taking me a while to mentally reconcile all
> this change. I haven't been fully into church for
> the past few years, but it still just kinda sucks,
> for some reason that I can't exactly put my finger
> on....
>
> I was born into the church, I guess throwing away
> a belief system just takes some time to adjust to,
> especially when it filled so much of your life
> before.

How long?

Looking back now, it appears that my transition out of
Mormonism began in about 1985-86 and I think that just
in the past couple of years it has become complete.

That much said, I was born into a family that has been
Latter Day Saint since 1831. I don't suppose that I'll
ever lose all the peculiarities of that ethnic group.

When did I finally feel "normal?" That kinda depends
upon my social context -- upon what group of people I
happen to be among at any particular time. In some of
those groups, I suppose I'll never feel normal.

It has been a long, slow transition. I think I can say
that it has been much the same for several other people
I have known, who have transitioned out of the LDS as
well as out of the Reorganized LDS.

Hopefully it will be easier for you.

UD

I grew up Mormon and I know leaving is the right decision. I was a sixth or seventh generation Mormon, so I will definitely be disappointing my Dad, and my mom who died a year ago. (I am 26 and somehow that bothers me...?) I'm definitely not feeling LOST, but I think I am feeling a loss. Partially because that is where I met some good friends in my college years...? I dunno.

I am ready for it to get better!

I feel free and liberated, but now I don't know what to do with it. (Not like I have a lot of extra time anyway, I am in grad school and working full time.)

What made your transition out easier?

Since you are pretty conditioned to have at least weekly group interactions as your main social stimulus, I would highly suggest you find (make time)some organized way to interact with people since you are not very experienced in doing it on your own and outside your family. Try finding a group that gets together for pure fun without a lot of responsibilities or strings attached. Lots of people on this site have joined together in ex-Mormon groups but I haven't because there don't seem to be any groups near me. You could try something like a hiking group if you like the outdoors. Or a gourmet or cooking group if you enjoy foodies. I think, that for me, it's most important to have people I can just be myself around and not have to play any part.

Sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my father and I treasure my mother even more every day. Losing a mom is a hard, hard thing. I'm not going to do well when I lose my mother. You won't really ever get over it but you get "past" it and learn how to enjoy what you had rather than grieve what you lost.

We used to have this query in psychology: what happens when the dog catches the car?
The idea is that you work really, really hard for something and once you get it, what do you do with it? You have to think about something you hadn't considered before.
You wanted out, so you are out. How long it takes for you and your family to accept that is going to take a while. A lot of it will depend upon your family's acceptance. The more vigorously they push against you, the longer it will take to feel normal.
Don't feel rushed to make normal happen. A lot of people who are on their way out still go to church for a few years off and on. It's what you know so in a way, it's home. But it is like an abusive home. Yes, it's familiar and oddly comfortable, but it's still very toxic and should be avoided if possible.

Each person experiences a very unique process. That's my conclusion from reading a few hundred people's experiences.
Some can identify steps, some, not so much.

In my case, I was a convert as a young adult. That part of my life created a lot of who I was and still am.
Adapting to living Mormonism, raising a family, and some leaving, on their own, evolved into me leaving also. But not my believing husband with seven of generations of Mormonism in his DNA!

Initially, I found a way to handle most of my adjustment period, and that was with my usual sense of humor. I made the process fun, found other things to do, tried to inform my brilliant husband, but that was a colossal fail! His faith was based on his spiritual witness and nothing would ever change that. I understood that as I came from a long line of Christian ministers, and missionaries back to the Civil War. Their faith never changed either.

Initially, I enrolled in adult education classes at the local college, then started, with some other ladies, a Red Hat Chapter, and kept busy for a few years. I was too busy to miss church! And really loved what I was doing. I also had an opportunity to meet dozens of other people who were not LDS.

Our kids were pretty much out of the home, some married and some with children. I resigned officially about four years from the last time I attended, which was sporadic at that point because of some really ridiculous leaders. (another story for another time.)

I gave myself permission to never, ever lose my self respect, self confidence, or be a victim. I knew I was OK and was OK all along. I could change my mind and allow my new world view to evolve. And I did!

It was important not to look back, nor dwell on the negative as much as possible, that is. I was learning to think differently: I lived in the present, the now, and did not have to go into rehashing the past -- I didn't live there, anymore.

It was a little tenuous at first. Gradually, as I chatted, mostly on line, with others in what I referred to as The Exit Process from Mormonism, I found that I could go any direction I wanted with my thinking about anything and everything.

It has been a process, for sure. I have written extensively for years on that process; how I changed my mind and why, changing the automatic thinking scripts, including a treatise on how Mormonism functions, (from their own theology and beliefs) as a tribe.

Eventually, I have been settling on a kind of Eccentric Eclectic World View.

I have found great fun in writing several pieces of satire and parody,

I used the power of my mind, my thinking, to stay on a positive, forward tract, as much as possible. I learned that respecting and honoring others was a necessity, regardless of their religious beliefs.

I have become a strong supporter of full disclosure for informed choice and consent.

I stopped attending in 1998 completely, resigned in 2002, have only been back for my husband's funeral service January of this year.

I know that I am a composite of seven decades of my life and hope for many more!

I have found a way to simplify how I view the world and how I use some basic principles to bring me the greatest peace of mind and happiness.

Universal truths still work!
Here they are:
1. Love is something you do.
2. Forgive everyone, everything, every time.
3. Treat others as you want to be treated.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/12/2013 11:41PM by SusieQ#1.

I think it takes a long time to fully "transition out" and become fully recovered (if that's even possible).
My records are still alive in church records, but mentally it took me about a month to stop believing completely (and I was really TBM before). Or rather, I should say that I studied for that time and only allowed myself to make a decision then, once I felt like I had enough information, so I can't say for sure..

At first, I accepted the truth and felt really depressed about it, feeling like I had no idea about who I was anymore, that I had been lied to for those first 19 years of my life. I don't think I really felt angry about it too much, though not I think I wander between feeling happy about being able to move on with my life, indifferent about tscc, and feeling like I want to wash and scrub tscc out of my life and brain asap by any means necessary. It's mostly controlled by my thoughts at the time, so I can't really say it goes in stages

I also had a life before Mormonism as a hormonal convert, so it was relatively easy to adjust to life on the outside.

I was a 7th generation Mormon but the last of my immediate family to leave--everyone else had either gone inactive, resigned or been excommunicated for awhile. I was (and am) in my early 40s, went on a mission, graduated from BYU and made the church my whole life.

It's now been about a year and a half since I stopped attending. The first year was very hard, especially that first Christmas since I no longer identify as a Christian after decades of belief. I see-sawed from joy to despair, like others have described in this thread. Luckily, I didn't have any opposition from family or friends to contend with. At the time I left, only three of my friends were LDS and they all ended up leaving as well within six months of my announcement.

The things that saved me were focusing on my relationships, creating music and being out in nature a lot. This gave me a new grounding for my spiritual life, one that is based on my interactions and not on obedience/conformity to an institution's rules. But it took about a year to not feel rootless.

For me it was

* First, 19 years of fully believing happy go lucky TBM'ness.
* Then 2-3 years of intense dis cog and trial of faith as I studied my out
* Then 2-3 years of being an in the closet non-believer faking it at church.
* Then 1-2 years of being inactive and depressed, not really knowing how to be a non-Mormon. This was my "awkward" stage.
* Then I finally resigned and have been happy ever since.

A big part of recovering is developing a new social network outside of Mormonism. Its difficult recovering when you have family and/or friends who are still Mormon. It definitely harder when you have to constantly be around it. Once my family resigned, I moved out of Utah, and all my friends and acquaintances are non-Mormon, I almost forget I was Mormon.

I had 3 siblings who went inactive in their teens. My parents never worried about me leaving.

My life was a total catastrophe because I believed so devoutly. I followed the leaders. I married my gay husband. He left me. He left me DESTITUTE. I went inactive because he was cheating on me and was ex. sec--and the bishop said he'd be called as a bishop soon--so I went inactive.

I just held on and kept putting one foot in front of the other trying to fix my life and raise my children, pay the bills, etc., and I would go back once in a while and sit on the sofa in the foyer and listen to SM. I always thought I'd go back. I kept searching for what I had found there before gay entered my life. They even called me to a few jobs like in the YW presidency while I was inactive as they all knew me. I turned them down.

One day it all fell apart--in an instant. It took years to make it to that instant.

I was THRILLED. I was never happy mormon. I'm not social. My family, though from a long line of mormons who were even Martin handcart survivors--we were not treated like royalty as my dad wasn't very active and my mother was not very social (both her parents were deaf)--I didn't like being mormon. I was mormon because I believed it--and I thought I had no choice--and I LIVED IT (unlike many mormons I know). I couldn't have been more thrilled to find out it wasn't true.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2013 01:01PM by cl2.

I was always a natural skeptic, but it took years to get to the point where I just couldn't attend. There was a clear break point, though. It was after clarifying the history and origins TSCC and the character of JS. Then was pretty quick.

The time it takes is different for everyone, but you have to give yourself time. You are in recovery, you have been brainwashed. It is hard, there are ups and downs.

Hang in there, it does get better and easier, sometimes the anger comes and goes. I actively left over 15 years ago and feel like I'm pretty done, but every once in a while something ambushes me and I get upset again.

Just give yourself time and space. Good Luck! This is a great place to get support or just read about stuff, depending on where you are at the time. Again, good luck!

JohnStockton12 is right on the money.

For those of us who were BIC and invested years, knowing how badly you were misled, dealing with the totally screwed up version of everything you were brainwashed into and basically, learning how to be a semi-normal person can be really difficult.

I know some who convert & figure it out pretty quickly have a much easier time. How hard it is and how much TSCC has screwed you up is something that is probably impossible for someone who didn't grow up with it to understand.

Best of luck to everyone dealing with leaving the cult, in whatever way you are, at least you are seeing reality now - a wonderful thing!

I was so miserable being a mormon that when I figured out that it was all B.S., I was elated. I was happier than I've ever been in my life. Years later I still get happiness from the fact that I don't have to be a mormon.

I have never understood what there is to be sad about.

I felt "normal" in many ways after a few months but much more so after several years.

It's different for everyone, so be patient and don't be hard on yourself. Getting out of a cult can be difficult.

I met and married a nevermo soon after leaving Mormonism and that was extremely helpful in making the transition less traumatic. My husband provided me with a ready-made set of friends and activities.

I'm glad for those who have a quick easy time of it. they might be the exceptions.

I think it sucks because for most of us, I think we all really wanted it to be true. TSCC promises so much. Our friends and culture are still there. We put in so much work "building up the kingdom." It is sickening to the stomach to think of all the good years of your life and money you've wasted on the f@cking cult. It gets better everyday. Making friends outside the morg and using your new found time to do things you like to do and read books you want to read helps a lot. One thing I did take with me from the Mormon church is to count your blessings. A lot of people on here I feel are more depressed, miserable, and ungrateful now then they were in the tscc. Gratitude and understanding life could have been a lot worse help out a ton!

Sperco, at first I had no idea what there was to be sad about either! I think I have to reconcile everything psychologically, and if the decision to leave just affected me, I would be 100% fine. No sadness. No looking back, not even a moment.

It affects my dad, who just lost his wife/my mom, and that is one thing that bums me out about leaving. I don't want it to bother him, but I *KNOW* its going to. He put so much time taking me to church stuff, being my and my siblings seminary teacher (for 12 years while working full time,) being bishop, stake prez, young men's president, supporting my mom in being YW and RS prez.... and a big reason he did that stuff was for me. I am grateful that I have a parent that would spend his time doing stuff like that, BUT I just can't support the beliefs.

I can't support these beliefs and I can't ignore it.

So that is what makes me sad... there is a person that geniunely wants the best for me and has given me this thing that they think is such a HUGE, WONDERFUL gift, and I have to take their gift and set it aside.

I feel great and liberated, but I have to live among them. That is the big buzz kill.

I don't think there is any standard "time frame". Will we ever feel normal again? Yes. Timeline is different for everyone. Don't fret, I went thru the same thing when I heard some Mormon music the other day, and for 3 minutes, I wanted to actually go back. I did not however.

I didn't want to return to TSCC any more than I wanted to return to my wife-beater ex-husband. Not for one second.

I had been getting hints that it was all fake, and my wise children already knew it was fake, but I didn't want to hear their arguments.

I decided to leave, during a bishop's interview, and I was asking the bishop WHY I could never get a temple divorce, when my ex-husband had severely beaten me, and there had been witnesses. I had always been a faithful Mormon, including the 25 years after that brief and horrifying temple marriage. I had tried to get a temple divorce (or cancellation of sealing or whatever they called it, as they called it something different from year to year) for 10 years. The bishop told me that my children (fathered by a man I married several years after the divorce) were automatically temple-sealed as the property of the wife-beater, and that the wife-beater had two other temple wives. Something just snapped--this is all a hoax! I said, "We are good people. The God I know and love would never do that to us!" I left his office, saying, "This is NOT God's church!"

I said it, before I thought about it, before I read anything on RFM, but the instant I said it, I knew it was the TRUTH! It did seem sudden. I'll never forget that walk home. Lightning did not strike me down. I felt good, and whole, and honest. A sense of freedom and love came over me--like I was one with The World--and I still have it 7 years later.

We didn't think it was necessary to officially resign, but the Mormon love-bombing and harassment was extreme, so after four long months of waiting for that to stop, we resigned together. Life is good!

I lost all faith at age twelve. But, at age eighteen, I had a crisis of confidence as my father was pressuring me to move out. I tried to rejoin the church, but I found the meetings tedious and the members creepy.