My thoughts were recently stirred on this subject. I read
postings at RfM from still-observant LDS members who are
obviously struggling with the prospect of letting others
know of their inner non-belief.

Just as often, I read postings from ex-LDS who relate the
many difficulties they've encountered in making public
their non-conformance to Mormonism and, frequently, their
exit from the Church and its constraints.

Occasionally I read words here like, fear, disgust, sorrow,
shame and emotional claustrophobia -- well, I haven't
exactly heard that last word, but feelings rather similar.

I'm thinking back over my own long, drawn-out exit from
that life. The word "shame" particularly caught my attention;
though perhaps not exactly in the sense that many ex-Mormons
might be shamed (or experience it) upon their "coming out."

Your thoughts?

UD

Guilt for letting my father down, even though he's a ratfink of the first water.

donbagley Wrote:
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> Guilt for letting my father down, even though he's
> a ratfink of the first water.

I can sort of relate to that, though my father was
basically a loving fellow who just could never quite
come to grips with what was going on in my head.

Disappointing or hurting the very parents who gave us
life in the first place has got to be high up on the
list of why "leavers" naturally have mixed feelings,
I guess.

UD

He let you, down, Don.

The really hurtful things were the first few times my own family would call me up and tell me about all of the blessing I was losing and would never have because I left. Then, they cut me off. Total isolation for more than a decade. Even when two of us lived in the same house, I was not spoken to unless necessary. My name was never said. It was always 'my youngest sister' or 'my youngest daughter'. If I demanded acknowledgement, my sister would say 'evil things are always nameless'. That was really hard on a 12 year old girl...it's the only part of my exit that still hurts very badly.

I think that's about the worst shame you could lay against a kid, to make them feel like they are an instrument of evil, when they just asked a question and found an answer. It's also a powerful way to manipulate them to run back to the church, out of the fear of inadvertently becoming an agent of evil for doubting.

And for a long time, I believed them and became hopeless, followed by bitter and resentful of both my family and the church. Then, I discovered that Mormonism wasn't offering me anything that I wasn't going to get from being your basic Christian, with a lot less work and judgement. It took a few crazy years, but eventually I realized that God didn't hate me for asking questions. I still only get contact from my family to try to fellowship me back into church. But I guess on the bright side, it is nice to catch up in those few minutes of foreplay before the big push.

Holy crap! Evil things (such as yourself) remain nameless?!!! That's crazy and abusive.

I think the shame is set up and passive aggressively made clear to all members. Just the thought of doubting can be terrifying for members.

closer2fine Wrote:
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> I think the shame is set up and passive
> aggressively made clear to all members. Just the
> thought of doubting can be terrifying for members.


I'm guessing that there is something like a spectrum of
experiences, when it comes to this subject.

At one end of the gradiant would be a guilt which is
mostly self-imposed and perhaps not expressed openly.
Church leaders would rely upon this experience to
keep drifting members in line, I suppose.

At the other end of the spectrum would be group-imposed
public shaming. I've seen this phenomenon up close
myself. Again, it probably generally originates with
the leaders, but may come even from the ex-Mormon's
own nuclear family (before and after public avowals).

It's that long, murkey gradiant between overt public
persecution of the "apostate" and his/her own secret
inner termoil, which I'm tempted to call the gradiant
of shame-into-guilt.

Perhaps all of that is too simplistic and does not
always fit actual events. But my mind has to begin
to sort out these experiences somehow -- and this is
how I'm inclined to start.

In my own experience, in a long, slow exit from
Mormonism, only twice did I encounter public shaming,
and one of those instances was actually initiated
by an Evangelical Christian pastor who was angry
that my transition out of Mormonism was far too slow
and not very much aligned with Christian profession.

The other public shaming came from a Reorganized LDS
branch president who concluded that I was nolonger fit
to be allowed to associate with his congregation.

Happily, I can say that the every day, rank and file
members never held my unbelief up to public shaming. I
guess I can be grateful for that much respite, at least.

UD