1) Cheap plastic garden gnomes 2) Fake money or check (monopoly or something similar) or copies of kirtland bank notes. I think a picture of them was posted on this board. If someone can provide a link, that would be super.
Place the garden gnomes with fake money in the chapel pews or leave them on the church's front lawn if the building is locked. Leave the following note or something similar.
To The Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints:
We understand the church is desperately wanting inactive/resigned members and their tithing dollars to come back to church. Unfortunately, we're too busy doing something useful or fun on Sundays. So, to help the church out and increase the ward's attendance numbers and tithing intake, we've provide these garden gnomes. Please place them in the pews and count us present.
The gnomes are cheap, plastic, empty headed and have a vacant stare. In other words, they are perfect for mormonism. Don't worry, we've repented and want to assure you and Mr. Bendar, our tithing payment is as real as the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith's gold plates.
Your Obedient Mormon Gnomes,
dk and her cats
------------------------------------------------------- The other option and this might take some doing to set up, is for someone living in or near SLC, UT to set up a p.o. box where those of us not living near there can send our gnomes to. If we can get enough gnomes sent to SLC, they could be put out on the church's lawn for general conference in April.
I would leave a note on mine that says:
dk, Albuquerque, NM Resigned from The Church... in 2000. Please rebaptize this gnome in my place.
I could dress it in a white outfit with green apron and veil. I suppose for exmos who are return missionaries, you could put an Elder or Sister name tag on yours.
For someone that lives near temple square or wherever the GC takes place, the person would need an address where he/she can receive packages, some place to keep the gnomes and help setting them up. I've never been to temple square so I don't know if they can be placed on church property or just next to it.
For people not in the area, the main expense is the gnome and shipping it. People can put a name tag on it with initials, town, year they resigned, or have not been to church in X years, or when and where they served a mission.
Then there should be a sign or notice saying we know the church desperately wants is "lost sheep" to come back. This garden gnome will fill in for me. It's empty headed and vacuous, can sit or 3 hours and will believe any thing it's told. If you attach a toilet brush, it will clean the toilet too.
Reminds me that when I was posted to Congo, I found a piece of African carved wooden art that depicted a man masturbating. Wish now that I had bought it to use for this special day.
I can tell you that an organized, concerted effort to send small objects in order to gain attention really does work. I was part of a TV show fandom a number of years ago that used this technique successfully to get another season of our favorite show. We modeled our efforts on that of another fandom that also used the same technique with success.
Nothing like a steady stream of UPS deliveries to someone's desk to let them know that you mean business!
I thought it would be fun to see them set out on the lawn or near temple square. However, we could send them to someone at the COB, especially if the packages had to be signed for.
Could we address them to Thomas Monson at the temple square address? 50 W. North Temple Salt Lake City, Utah 84150
A steady stream of packages just before April conference might be fun, and there's time for people to plan ahead and be creative.
Since the church wants its member to come back, this gnome is filling in for me. I understand some temple sessions are going empty, my gnome had my permission to fill in for me. And, he really likes Pay Lay Ale.
I await the call.....this is the first GC that I haven't been called beforehand by my HP Guardian Geezer to remind me ad-fucking-nauseum about all the broadcast times. So, I know his health is failing a bit (he's at least 87) and/or he was told by the bishop that I've requested no contact...but I doubt that...that wouldn't stop him. He's one of those uber TBM's who cannot fathom why anyone would leave THEIR precious fucking church.
Ron Burr
ps: if anything gets organized and sent to the COB you are welcome to put my name on it. I fear no one.