The older I get the more I realize that I did not have the best parents, especially now that I am a mom. I actually feel quite angry about their extremely poor parenting and long lasting effects it has had on me & my siblings. I think that they probably did the best that they could with what they had to work with, but I wish they would of put a little more effort into being better parents and doing what would of been the best for their children.

Now that I have left Mormonism and see it for the fraud that it is I also see the huge negative impact that has had on my life on top of their terrible parenting. I hope this doesn't sound too bad because I am actually successful and basically happy in life.

This just got me wondering how others feel about their parents as they get older. As an adult do you think that your parents did a better job than you thought when you were younger or do you realize more & more they weren't good parents?

I was very lucky to have had wonderful understanding parents. I was asked at age 18 if I wanted to go on a mission. I said no. End of discussion. As I became uninterested in attending church, not much was said either. Dad knew it wasn't worth arguing about. We worked together in our farming business for years and religion was never discussed, nor was my marriage to a Catholic. All this at a time when Dad was on High Council.
I feel deeply for those of you who's parents placed their #$%#$%$# church before their duty to be good parents to you. Their treatment of you was unconscionable and evil.

Ron Burr



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/16/2013 04:02PM by Lethbridge Reprobate.

Wow lucky you! That does sound like great parents! I can only hope that my children will say something kind about me like that some day.

Hell, I didn't have to wait until I was older to realize I had horrible parents...I knew it while I was growing up!!

I used to cringe having to sing "Mother dear I love you so...", or "I'm so glad when Daddy comes home...". I would replace the word "love" with "hate" and the word "glad" with "sad". When I was taught by a Sunday School teacher that I picked my parents in the pre-existance, I knew the whole thing was bogus.

Here are a couple of precious "words of wisdom" from each of them that they shared with me later in life -

** From my father - "I don't think it is a good idea to tell your kids that you love them very often."
** From my mother - "It is BECAUSE of the beatings I gave you as a child that you turned out so well."

'Nuff said.

If anything, thanks to their examples, they taught me what NOT to do with my kids.

Yeah I remember being told that we picked our family in the pre-existence and I thought, "WHAT!?". My young mind then immediately thought of the elementary gym class that I was in and assumed that my family was just like all of the kids who were picked last and the teacher would just say, "OK, you guys form a group and play together".

That whole picking your family in the pre-existence horse$hit was talked about in church but never in our home...and we didn't read the scriptures as a family either....waste of time...time better spent just being together...which we were...

Ron Burr

Both of my parents are dead, and have been for about twenty years, and this has given me time for sporadic (and often unsought) reflection.

As a matter of fact, yesterday I was thinking of something completely different (I was listening on YouTube to an early rock 'n' roll record from artists who lived very near to my first neighborhood), and realized the significance of a truly MAJOR thing that my Mom had done, which cost her considerable money at a time when she was involuntarily alone and had very little money, just to protect me.

I had a very mixed growing up. In some ways, I had one of the "richest" (intellectually, etc.) environments any kid could have ever been blessed with...and in other ways, and by both of my parents, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally abused for all of those years (less the first three). Some of those psychic injuries are still with me, though I still work, literally every day, to overcome them.

Here's what I now think:

I was born to two people who were trying their very, very best to rise (or rise "again"; there was considerable money in my mother's side of the family which was denied to her and her sister because her mother was divorced) on the socio-economic ladder. They were, in many ways, very smart people (my father, completely by his own considerable efforts, eventually rose very high on the national scene)...but also, and in a lot of crucial ways, they were very, very dumb.

They were scared. They were--to an astounding extent sometimes--socially incompetent. They often didn't have "street smarts," which led to a continuous series of periodic downfalls which were horrible to everyone involved. But they were, although severely limited by their personal comprehensions, determined to succeed...and they often DID succeed. They wound up fairly well known and affluent.

Along the way, they did their best to raise me. They didn't know what to do with me (I was not only totally unlike them, but I was unlike anyone they had ever known in either of their lives), but, most of the time, they TRIED (even if, a lot of the time, what they tried was totally off the mark).

Sometimes they got scared of me, or of things in their lives that I neither knew about or could control. When this happened, I was the one who took the force of their emotional fear and incapacity.

But both of them (and especially my Mom), sacrificed a LOT over the years to TRY to raise me the best way they knew how.

It was often not very good.

It was often catastrophically bad (and I still bear not only the scars, but actual open wounds).

But they TRIED (at least a lot of the time).

They failed a LOT.

They also succeeded a LOT.

I couldn't have become the "me" that I am now without them, and without the multitude of things (like rich learning situations) they either provided for me, or gave permission to touch my life in such a way that I could take advantage of them).

When they each died, I THINK they were proud of me.

I know my Mom respected me. I THINK my Dad did.

I wouldn't be here right now had they not been, in many ways, the people they were--both the good and the bad.

So despite everything which was unquestionably "bad," the end result came out not just okay, but often really, REALLY superbly good.

I hope they know how grateful I am for what they DID do.

And that I really understand now that they were each, as best they each knew how, doing their best.

Thanks, Mom, for the babysitter (instead of the much more available--and cost free--alternative). You pretty much saved my life on that one, and as of my insight yesterday, I finally understand what you sacrificed back then so that I had a chance.

I guess the improbable bottom line is: All in all, and given what I know and understand now, I was given an extraordinary chance to, in many ways, "be the best I could be."

And it wouldn't have happened without both of them.

that I thought I was from a really dysfunctional family. My mother is a saint but my Dad had some pretty big anger issues and a chronic "my way or the highway" mentality. That with his inherit negativism (this despite being in multiple church leadership positions) led me to believe for years that I was raised in a less than ideal home.

Then I grew up and started seeing how other families worked. Some of the families that I thought were the perfect LDS examples were totally screwed up. My spouse's family is so messed up that it would make Jerry Springer look like a show on Disney Channel.

I discovered that, oh-my-heck, my family wasn't so screwed up after all. My Dad mellowed out significantly through the years and offered a somewhat apology for his rather oppressive sternness in our youth. Also, entering the workforce and having to deal with douche bag bosses and having kids gave me a whole new perspective on my parents.

So it is with a whole lot of amusement that my family that I once thought of dysfunctional I now consider quite sane. Go figure.

My Mom and I had a lot of problems. It was a difficult relationship. But the gal's 85 now and she has been an amazing Grandma.

I'm a little envious of my niece and nephew's relationship with her, but I give my Mom credit for the tremendous growth she has experienced in her later years.

The anger I felt towards her for many years is gone. We have a good relationship now. I'm grateful that we've been together long enough for that healing to take place.

I used to think that I would have kids of my own and realize how valiant my parents were after all. Actually what has happened is that I've come to realize how they threw their own kids under the bus in favor of a cult.

I had awesome parents. Yes, my mother was truly batsh*t crazy TBM right to the very end, but she wasn't an asshole about it. No disowning/shunning, etc. Going on a mission was completely my own decision. Zero pressure or expectation.

Were there aspects about growing up that I would like to have been different? Sure, tons. But, they did the very best they could with the hand they had been dealt. I have a sibling with tremendous physical challenges. You can't even imagine what they went through, how they dealt with everything, and the sacrifices they made. They were kind and generous to a fault.

For my kids' sake, I wish they were still around.

My parents took the easy way out and used the church as an excuse for their actions. They still do so to this day. My mom did not pursue her education because my dad (the penisholder) was a dumb guy (a janitor) and hated educated women who were successful. He crushed all of her dreams and goals because of the twisted world view that exists in mormonism. My mom was no better. She alienated all of her family and friends so she could attend weekly cult meetings and force her kids to do scouts and young womens. She basically earned eagle scout for me and my brother. She's made excuses her whole life and still tries to tell all these stupid faith-promoting stories as if jesus is always watching out for them. She worked menial administrative jobs while my dad worked as a janitor and then all of us kids got the pleasure of more janitorial work with my parents 6 nights a week just to make ends meet. We had to plan our entire lives around cleaning toilets and taking out trash. I left as an 18 year old and soon after got my now wife pregnant. I spoke to my parents only a few times between the ages of 18 and 21. They didn't even meet their grandson until he was almost 3. My parents spent those years hoping I would fail and come crawling back, repent, and go on a mission. Would have been hard to do with a baby! My parents did provide the basics and I understand that there are billions of people in the world who don't have enough to eat but at a personal level, they've generally only made life harder.

I've mostly recovered from all of that. Graduated from college and have a decent job. My wife is in graduate school and our son, who is now 13, is a good kid. I struggle with anger and trust issues, however, and have tried to re-connect with the tbm members of my family but have found it nearly impossible. I am contemplating cut them out of my life entirely but I just don't know if I have the heart for that. My wife would be fine with it though. She can't stand them. Stupid mormons.

I'd say I have pretty great parents...not all of my siblings agree though. Both of my parents are extremely intelligent, but it's been painful to watch their TBM-ish response to my doubt (enlightenment). They've never been good at discussing sensitive subjects...or even willing to discuss them. They truly believe that people only leave the church due to laziness and sinfulness. I don't really blame them though...it's what they've been told their entire lives, and I think they're too old to change their minds now. If I was in my dad's shoes, I don't think I could deal with the fact that I faithfully paid tithing to a false church throughout my entire career...he's done pretty well, so that's probably close to $500K. All in all, they were very good to me growing up and they continue to be good to my family. That might change when I tell my dad I'm not baptizing my kid...

My parents divorced at 8. They had 5 kids while both working at McDonald's. I thought they were stupid for doing it and growing up in extreme poverty. My Dad is constantly fighting the battle against pornography and my mom, has been on and of mental meds for a long time.

My mom made sure we never slept on the streets and never completely starved. I did sleep in homeless shelters and sometimes only received a meal a day at school.

I know my parents did this on faith, misplaced faith. I realize my parents were doing what they thought was best and they were a victim as well. My brothers got involved in drugs and alcohol enough to destroy their life. I partially blame the church. My parents could barely afford food, they had no time to raise children.

As my son grew up, and I had no desire to strike him or shame him about his genitals or force him to believe anything, I realized how awful and abusive my parents were.

I hated my father while in my teens, but I tried to forgive him for the better part of three decades. He continued to lie to me, exclude me, and stab me in the back. He lives near the plygs in southern Utah now, and good riddance.

I have no doubt that my parents were just winging it. I hope my kid doesn't figure out that I'm just winging it until he's grown up;)

My parents were unable to say that they loved us. Love was to be felt for God & the Church, the Prophet above all with Joseph 1 idolized.

I remember my sister asking them if they loved us when she was probably 8 years old. My mother answered "What do you think?"

Until I was in my 40s I never heard her say it, not even every time she had to ask me for money over the years. They had very rough financial times and I was in a position to make it possible for them to have a comfortable retirement. I was never thanked for the home that was paid for, or electric bills covered. I do remember being gently ridiculed for my love of books and education, for my love of debating, my femininity. How she hated it when I asked about the black thing, the polygamy thing, the hat and stone thing......

I had it good. I sometimes didn't like my parents when I was a teenager, but since growing up and realizing I didn't know nearly as much as I thought I did back then, I see that they were very good parents. They struggled when I quit the church....there was a little bit of desperate guilt tripping and pleading with me to come back so they could be happy again, but they adjusted fairly well and I feel every bit as loved and included in the family as all of my uber-TBM siblings.

Church made it harder for us to get along while they were parenting me in almost all ways (and I was active as a kid/teen, just REALLY unhappy in the church and a closet doubter as far back as I can remember). One benefit I felt that may have had something to do with them being LDS was that the LDS culture does not frown on moms staying home to raise their kids. Mom stayed home some of the time during raising us and was working during other periods and I always liked it better when she had time for me, i.e., was not working outside the home. It was nothing she did wrong as a parent while working.....you just can't be two places at once. When she would go back to her career after I had the luxury of having had her around, I always missed having her be available for us kids. (This is not an endorsement of a one-size-fits-all-and-good-moms-can't-work attitude; for my situation I needed her to be present, almost more as a teen than when I was littler, though back then I would not have admitted how much I needed her.)

They were imperfect but great parents and, later, absolutely terrific grandparents to my kids! I would not have been able to see or admit that very easily when I was an ornery, know-it-all teenager.

After I left the church 5 years ago, I apologized to my mother for the ways I treated my non-member family. I was a bit condescending and self-righteous at times. I apologized for her having to wait outside the temple for me.

She said she supported me in my choice at that time, though she never cared for Mormonism. She loves me not matter what,and she loves the rest of my brothers and sisters that way as well.

I'm trying to take the same approach with my children. It seems to be working.

I am so grateful for this open and unconditional love.

I had very, very crappy parents. And it has taken me decades to recover from the damage they did. I know I will be working on this for the rest of my life. But I have made a lot of progress and I consider it my greatest achievement and the one achievement that has made and will make all others possible.

My parents were crappy because they both had personality disorders and so every person in their lives (but especially their indefensible children) ultimately were only pawns to get their own, endless emotional needs met.

My mother used to say that no one would ever love me as much as she did. Talk about "with friends like these..."

My 1st psychiatrist once said he had never heard of a worse case of emotional abuse than was my personal story.

But, all that said, I'm much better now and the anger toward them is all gone. Anonthistime, don't worry too much about your anger. It's serving your now. Eventually, you'll be able to set it aside as you work through your issues about your crappy parents. I have.

For the decade 20 to 30 most young adults deal with how they were raised. No matter how they were raised, they spend years in anger and disappointment with whatever.

They eventually come to a point of acceptance and compassion or not.

My Mom never had time for me-Fact! Thank God for my Aunt with girls near my age who pretty much stood in for her. If I had 7 kids close in age I would struggle too. I have 2 kids and they spent several years angry at me for not having enuf time for them. I worked fill-time professionally. Provided them with every opportunity imaginable,too many material goods and college educations. I gave my children everything I didn't get as a child.

I made peace with my Mom in my 30's. My children are coming to terms too-- Thank God!

My theory is you always want what you didn't get.

Life is so much more peaceful if these issues can be resolved.

As I have gotten older, I feel like I had a perfect childhood. My adult children are finally telling me all of the good parts in their childhood too. (



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/16/2013 07:21PM by laurel.

They weren't so bad.

I went through a phase after my apostacy when I thought they were terrible for raising me in the cult.

Now... they weren't so bad...

I thought I came from the most perfect family on the planet. My Mom was June Cleaver, or so I thought. Now that I am older and having worked in the mental health field, I see that Mom was very depressed, but always able to keep up the image. Now that she is in her 80's, she is her true depressed beyond the pale self and I am understanding my insatiable need to please. The damnable cult did it to Mom by expecting perfection.

Having just gone through the 1929 depression I believe that they did the absolute best that they were capable of.
things could have been better for me but that is the best available at that time.

as a kid, I was conditioned to think my parents were perfect. now I see them as abusive, controlling and manipulative.

I had excellent (non-Mormon) parents. They were calm and even tempered. Both were loving and responsible. They provided amply for me. They chose their home with good schools in mind. There were tons of interesting books and magazines in the house. College was fully paid for. I grew up in a lovely, peaceful area.

My only complaint is that IMO my dad sheltered my mom a little too much. It was hard for her to fully take over during his illness and after he died.

They also raised an awesome son! My older brother is the best.

I was very fortunate to have fantastic parents. They both loved us kids unconditionally and our house was full of love. My parents are also the ones who made it easy for all of us kids to reject the church, though they probably didn't realize it.

They were both raised in Utah, from pioneer families, but moved to the PNW soon after marrying. I really believe that exposure to a more diverse culture helped them see how narrow-minded the church, and Utah, was. There were a couple of specific incidents that convinced them that us kids were better off outside the church. I think what really pushed them over the edge was the church's insistence that members should only socialize with others within the church. They could not believe in that. I also remember my dad complaining about how no matter what you did for the church, they always wanted more.

So while I certainly went through the usual teenage disagreements with my parents, I now look back with awe at what great parents they were. They are both gone now and my son is nearly an adult, and I know that I fell back on many things I learned from them to raise my own son. He's come out pretty darn well, too!

I think they did their best.

Now that I have kids of my own, I consider it a miracle that they were able to raise 9 kids.

So, I think they did what they had to do to get by with 9 kids... we were neglected a lot, because my mom was busy doing dishes, making food, or doing laundry. There was some physical/emotional abuse inflicted to siblings by siblings, because of all the lack of supervision.

We always had food, shelter, clothes, etc. But, no luxuries... we didnt take vacations, we didnt have cool toys.

I think I'm already doing a better job than them because I stopped at 2 kids..... and I hope I can give them all the love/time/attention they need.

When I have $800 or so to spend extra, I'm going to replace my mothers headstone.

It will say in big giant letters: "She did the best she could"

She did what she thought was right, but that girl screwed me up so goddamned bad, I am still trying to figure life out.

My parents were terrible, abusive, neglectful, and should never have inflicted themselves on children. I have had multiple therapists tell me to move as far away as possible from them. Their insanity has little to do with the church, and everything to do with their own mental issues. The older I get, the more I comprehend how much they failed, and how little they gave me. I was raised by my siblings, and myself once they were all moved out.

Now that I am up there in age and my parents are both gone, NOW I see more of what they did right. A lot of things they did when I was young I just didn't get, like when they TRIED to apply the brakes to my joining the Mormon cult. They made a lot of mistakes, BIG mistakes with us. But I see more and more how they were right sometimes, now that it's too late to tell them so. I especially miss my Mother, who always loved us. My Dad, well...he never loved us at all but he did do some things right.

I had, have wonderful parents. non lds. they tried hard to over come life and did the best the could to make my life happy. I would never choose anyone else for parents.

The older I get, the more I realize how ***seriously screwed up*** my parents are. Not only that, I realize how seriously screwed up all of my grandparents & great-grandparents were. All seriously abusive & screwed up. (Not all of them were TBMs either. A few were nevermos.)