I don't know what's wrong with me!
I don't hate the thought of gay sex. I think marriage equality is really important.
I want to love everyone because it's important to me!
But I am truly scared of gay people. I act like I'm not. I don't want to be...

A woman from my husband's office invited us to dinner at her house. With her partner and three children. They're lesbians. Who are LDS (still active!). They've been together for a decade or more.
I am too scared to go to their house because they are gay. I don't know why.
What do I do? See a therapist? :/

So am I!

Steve

I don't believe you!

You should believe him.

Ok. Trying to be more open minded. :)

I know this post is really not nice.
I'm really asking how I can get over this fear.

I want to know what is wrong with me. Why am I so afraid!
I'm so sorry. It's not meant to offend anyone at all.

You get over your fear by being with gay people. It's that simple.

Have you ever gone to dinner at anyone else's house? It will be exactly the same -- good food and good conversation. Absolutely nothing to worry about!

In all fairness, going to ANY stranger's house kind of scares me.

Well, there you go. You've got an obsession with "otherness." Gays are the most "other" you can think of so you sum up your fears in the label:"I'm afraid of gays," and then fixate on that. You need to realize that self and other are connected. Drop the label: gays, and start exploring your discomfort with going to dinner with anyone who's a stranger. Remember that eating meals with strangers is one of the characteristic Jesus stories. Remember the story of the man that plans a feast and sends his servant to invite his friends, but the friends are all busy and won't come? Then the man tells the servant to invite the next so-and-so number of people he encounters on the street, and they are to come to the feast. This is a parable about equality, about our kinship with all people, all life. At they deepest level, all the people we encounter are fitting for our table. If we can't feel that, we're dealing with a mistaken view or opinion, which we express as fear.

Facing and exposing yourself to your fears will help you get over them, and realize that you really had nothing to fear in the first place.

What exactly are you afraid of? That they will turn you gay? That you will say something wrong? That they are going to attack you somehow?

Without know what you are afraid of about gay people, it's hard to know how to help or what suggestions to provide.

Generally speaking, remember that they are just people. People who work, love their kids and significant others, who are just doing the best they can, just like you. They are no different from anyone else. Not when you get down to it.

Being afraid of gay people is a classic symptom of closet cases who don't want to see in others what they fear in themselves.

Not saying you are a closet case, just had to add that. What I do think is that this is not about being afraid of gay people, this is about not being secure with yourself. Feel free to dig deep, examine the situation, and realize nothing is there to fear except your own reaction.

I used to be horrifically afraid of spiders. Then I started looking at them and watching them closely in the garden. Now I only respect them, but still prefer they don't crawl on me. Last time I walked through a spider web it didn't bother me at all to end up with a spider on the face. However, I am not saying you should be able to handle a face full of lesbian. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2013 11:58AM by blueorchid.

I think it probably just feels weird and maybe not knowing how to act or react I they were to hold hands, kiss or touch at all. My sister is in a lesbian relationship, I haven't seen her in forever, but I often run through the scenario in my mind and I feel the same way. I have anxiety over it because it would just be weird. Not against it, just weird. So, I get it.

+1 Makes a lot of sense and puts things in a better category.

This is me also. I don't find the actions of gay people desirable, and if I understand correctly they don't find my actions desirable either. I don't see any problem with what they do it just isn't appealing to me. I realize I show public displays of affection at time and when gay people do it, it's weird to me, but I don't see anything wrong with it.

If I were in the same situation I'd probably have anxiety as well. I'd just hope I could make it through the event without making an ass of myself.

Ok, this is going to sound even worse...
I'm not gay. I really know I'm not. I'm being perfectly honest.

I am terrified of germs. I have legit OCD. I have been trapped in public bathrooms before because I am so afraid of germs. It has been debilitating in the past, although now I am on medication to help me.

For some reason I am afraid gay people have extra germs. I also am afraid of this about people who are not white.

I kind of hate myself right now.
Can I blame it on my parents?? Please?

Ohhh. So your fear is related to your illness. It's your illness telling you those things. You're not a bad person. My husband has OCD, and I know how hard it is.

But why the fear is partially focused on gay people, I have no idea.

OCD is a real and legit problem... Things that are different can be perceived to have unseen problems that are interpreted as germs or what not that translate into fear.

Since this sounds like it's linked to OCD, getting help from an LDS board may not be the best place to get help. Are you getting treatment? Are you talking with a therapist who may know better what caused your OCD and what your triggers are?

If this is linked to OCD, you can prepare your hosts, should you decide to go, by letting them know that have OCD and explain that any odd behavior on your part is due to the OCD, and not them, which may help defuse any awkward situations should they arise.

I am on medication and I have been to therapy in the past. I have never brought up the issue of gay-ness in a therapy session. Although, when I go back in a few weeks I will be sure to bring it up.

I just never realized how afraid I was until we got this invitation from my husband's coworker.

I'm really sorry if this is not the appropriate place to bring this up.

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that its not appropriate... It certainly is. I only meant that your therapist might be able to help you dig a bit deeper. There are a lot of smart people on this board with a lot of good suggestions. Again, sorry if I made it sound like you shouldn't have brought it up.

My wife has a bit of OCD and so I can relate a bit to what you're going through. Sometimes her triggers seem to be random, others make perfect sense... I won't list them out incase you have some of the same things, I wouldn't want to trigger you here while trying to help.

Anyway, I agree with what blueorchid says below, "Don't hate yourself. Understanding how you feel is important. Being honest about it is important. Knowing when to keep it to yourself is important."

Don't hate yourself. Understanding how you feel is important. Being honest about it is important. Knowing when to keep it to yourself is important.

When you are in a tough situation, just tell people you have extreme issues with OCD and leave it at that. Naming the symptoms like considering people extra germie will not help you out much.

I have a strong understanding of how important bacteria are in our lives and the world would be worse off without it. Think about that sometimes while you are having a yogurt. Just think of people as having a coating of yogurt maybe.

Don't blame it on your parents. Blame it on pernicious religion. And then fight against all of the mind-germs that pernicious religion has infected you with. Maybe your OCD is your mind calling out for you to give it a thorough scrubbing! Do it. Clean it out. Don't let these mind-germs continue to fester in your head.

Get to know some gay people and your fear will subside. I used to feel awkward around lesbians. Now I have four very close friends who are lesbians, and I don't even think about it anymore. They're just people. They live, work, and love just like you do.

For me I think it's a product of programming, I never felt a fear as it were, but an awkwardness like some others have said. The awkwardness was the result of being told gay people were evil and whatnot in church. I didn't really believe it, but it made the initial interactions odd internally (but I had enough decency to not express anything of the sort externally).

This was compounded by the fact that my first continuous interactions were in a work environment in San Francisco. Suddenly I didn't want to be outed as a Mormon (TBM at the time) because I didn't want to be associated with prop 8, even though in Canada I supported the national legalization of gay marriage I didn't want guilt by association souring my working relationships.

Getting to know these guys, combined with learning the TSCC is false, has completely removed that awkwardness. I long to tell my wife I'm a non-believer so I can tell my coworkers and as a result put any residual guilt by association behind me.

What you're feeling is completely understandable considering the brain washing you had to endure. You were programmed to be like this, and it's going to take effort to deprogram it. Fortunately, your logic disagrees with your fears. You understand that there is nothing wrong with a person being gay. That will help you a lot in the recovery process.

When I first left TSCC, I started watching some of the rated-R movies I had been missing out on. Needless to say, a lot of rated-R movies have some pretty pornographic scenes in it. It wasn't until then that I realize that I'm TERRIFIED (I'm talking about full on panic attack, curled up in a little ball shaking) of anything sex related. The church did that. And it has taken a lot of therapy (still in the process) to unlearn that. So naturally, I would recommend therapy. It's done wonders for me.

If loving others is important to you, then I would say that makes you a very good person. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I think you'll be just fine. Best of luck!

These are all great suggestions and insights. I really want to thank all of you.
This is something I'm really going to have to work through. I don't want to be afraid. :)

Also I promise not to tell any gay people that I think they are extra germy. ;) I really don't ACT weird around people in real life. I'm good at covering it up. Then I come home and have a panic attack and have to deal with the OCD by showering and all the weird stuff that comes along with the disorder.
I try to be a good person. I just want to feel it, not have to act it all the time.

Like almost any kind of phobia, it gets better the more you expose yourself to it.... a little at a time. So I bet you'll get less 'afraid' of gays if you hang around us more.

And if you are afraid of getting hit on, straight women don't hit on every guy they see, neither do lesbians hit on every girl in their path! (fyi, though, there are gays that scare other gays as well as there are straight folks who scare others. They are exceptions rather than the rules).

I had ocd very badly (the germy kind) and it took a few years and meds for me to return to -almost- normal.

Is your therapist doing ERP situations with you? If you've gone to therapy for awhile, then you 've built up a relationship with the therapist, then maybe you are ready to try this.

Erp is where to decide you want to touch something again ( or you get into a situation where you can't do the cleansing ritual due to embarrassment.

Then after you touch / go thru the situation (ie i'm sure you're not planning to touch your husband's co-workers but just being in their environment may trigger the ocd) you go home and sit in the feeling of dread and see how long you can take it before having to do the ritual. If you 'sit' long enuf the ocd dread feeling goes away. If you cant make it that long (at the beginning that can take an hour esp. if it's a really really fearful fear), just note the time you did make it for.

Ask your therapist. They should be somewhat familiar with ERP.

My blog on how I went thru erp and writing thought records is:
http://myjourneythruocd.blogspot.ca/2011_05_01_archive.html

Good luck. Remember that ocd is just weird thots invading your brain that aren't getting filtered out. Ocd also seems to find whatever it is that YOU are personally afraid of and spits that at you.

If you're a harry potter fan, I liken ocd a bit to the boggarts- shape shifters that become what you fear. Unfortunately getting rid of them is just a bit more work than saying 'ridikulous'



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2013 12:49PM by karin.

Interesting. I have not heard of this before. I was in therapy in the past, but I haven't found a good therapist yet. I am going to a new person in a few weeks. We'll see how it goes.

I live in UT county and have been to multiple therapists here. All of them have been mormon and have attributed my problems to having sex before I got married and fears that surrounded that time in my life.
I'm totally serious about this.

I am on meds that are keeping the OCD in check but I am sure I could be coping better. The meds were prescribed by a family doctor, not a psychologist.

If things work out with the new therapist I will ask about ERP.
And I will check out your blog. :)

I am also afraid of having dinner with Lesbians. Especially the ones that dress like really sexy women. What if they are somehow normal? What if they like women as much as I do? What if they turn me into a male lesbian? Maybe I already am a male lesbian?

If you going to be afraid of someone be afraid of people that can and will hurt you. Be afraid the memebers of TSCC who will suck the life out of you.

New Movie Title - Mormon Zombies The Real Life Suckers



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/18/2013 01:32PM by themaster.

How much time have you spent around gay people? I have to admit I was a bit scared of / intimidated by them until a couple of years ago. Now that I have several friends who are gay I am no longer intimidated/scared in the least. So the best bet, if you haven't already done so, is get to know some gay people. That dinner is probably a good place to start.

I only once had a gay coworker and that was for a very brief period of time. And we hardly interacted.
So, hardly any.

What you are describing--literally, a fear of gay people--is known as homophobia. It's pretty common.

I've spent much of my life battling expressed homophobia, passive homophobia, institutional homophobia, familial homophobia, religious homophobia, and the like. It tends to make me afraid of people who are afraid of gay people.

I don't like going over to anyones house where I feel like I can't be my self, but I do go and I live to see another day.