My daughter is in 10th grade in a Utah County high school. Last night she related how she and another non-Mormon friend (both these girls are not sexually active and are still virgins) were talking to two girls who are Mormon.

In the same conversation, the two Mormon girls talked about their sexual exploits (one of these girls keeps a list--supposedly--of boys she's had sex with) and their activities in the Mormon church. So in one breath, one girl said she'd like to try a three-some sex adventure and that she's active in her ward's YW program.

My daughter and the other non-Mormon girl were speechless (my girl is seldom speechless by the way).

I said, "If this comes up again, you should ask you friends which is the real person--the girl who is sexually active or the girl who goes to church and pretends to be chaste?"

My daughter of course saw the hypocrisy and the double-life going on. She isn't into casual sex. We then had a tough conversation ourselves. She said she would probably become sexually active by her senior year of high school if she's with a steady boyfriend that she loves and trusts.

I told her I was uncomfortable with that idea because it's new territory for me--I was a virgin until I was in my early 30s and married. (I was a devout Mormon at the time.) But I said when that day does come, you come to your mother and we'll figure out what birth control is best. She promised.

I think these clueless LDS parents would be stunned at the double lives their teens live. What screwed up lives that will lead to later on. Glad my daughter is free of that.

Topping

Any one out there who has inside info and maybe some comparison statistics? That info would be interesting to take a look at.

Years ago, approx. 35 years or so, a relative of mine was a member of the Salt Lake Police force, his position being up there fairly high on the ladder. His info then was that Utah County and Bountiful, with there high number of mormon members, were over the top when it came to teens being in trouble----deliguent behavior, drugs, and sex as compared to Salt Lake City. He also mentioned that a lot of parents in these two areas had power and influence themselves or knew the right people to bail their kids out over and over.

We went inactive when she was 8 years old. Her friends in middle school and her first year of high school all came from mormon families. She finally dumped them as friends in high school because they were always skipping school, smoking marijuana, and having sex with multiple guys. My daughter actually ate lunch in her history teacher's classroom as she had no friends. None of those girls graduated from that high school--had to finish later. They all got pregnant before marriage, etc. My daughter became TBM when she was 21 and isn't married at age 28.

I had the same experience. Most of my friends (even back in the 1970s) were having sex with multiple guys. They all got married young. Many family members did it, too. Now they are all devout mormons with bishop husbands, etc.

And I'm an exmo. I was a virgin until I got married at age 27.

A non-mormon woman I used to work with here in Utah had a daughter in a local Utah high school. A mormon boy at school told the daughter one time, "I can't date you because you're not mormon. But I can still fuck you." She's a smart girl and told him he could go to he!!.

I want to say that this was even going on 30+ years ago in Utah County. My cousin was raised there, & she was exed as a teenager.

It sounds like the one TBM girl is keeping a blackmail list. Wouldn't that be fun to get a hold of when the guys are smug self-righteous GA's?

But, more to your original point, I think teaching purity and chastity sends the wrong message. When you teach your child about sex, the physical as well as emotional components, he or she can make a more informed decision about when and with whom to engage in sex. But when you're taught that your only value is your ability to procreate, that you are worthless if you "give it up" to the wrong guy before marriage, then you feel devalued. Many times girls in this situation will continue having sex because at least for a few minutes, they feel loved.

Being taught that fornication is the worst sin next to murder completely screwed up my sexuality well into my 30's. I was one who had sex many times after I left home and went to college. I didn't ever really attend church after that, but I always thought everything bad that happened to me was a result of my sexual sin. I now recognize that I made some really horrible decisions because I felt worthless and ashamed.

I've a good friend who's a Utah County social worker, and what she says often happens is that with such a rigid chastity code, young women who slip up even the tiniest bit take an all-is-lost, what-the-hell attitude and drop all boundaries of any type and engage in wildly risky behavior, while feeling depressed, ashamed, and worthless--as you said. A more normalized view of sex would allow for more realistic decision-making. Breaking your diet by licking a cupcake doesn't justify going to the bakery and eating everything in it every day for a year! Repression and compulsion are twin sisters.

+1

+2

Oh, I am extremely familiar with this. I grew up in Utah county and went to one of the more affluent high schools there. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff I saw. Even I had had a bit of a double life to hide from my parents, though not NEARLY that scandalous.

My only friend that got pregnant in high school was the Mormon girl. I had friends who didn't fool around, Mormon and non-Mormon and I had friends who did fool around and were careful. Funny, all of them are in long term, 20-plus year happy marriages. The over-emphasis on chastity doesn't seem to have made that much difference in the long run. Except for the kids it messed up.

And while all this was in CA ages ago, from what I saw at BYU and what I've heard since from friends who live in Utah, a legitimate Mormon teen lifestyle in Utah is "do it and lie about it." Not all the teens, but plenty of them.

Great post, I will only add this.



I see no reason to wait on the birth control.

I don't know the answer, my son is only 20 months. All I want to say is that no matter what you decide, your daughter is very lucky to have you. I'm 29 years old and I still have to hide things from my parents if I don't want to face the consequences of their disappointment. I would have given anything to have that kind of my relationship with my Mom. Good luck.

hypocrisy and secret lives happen when you live in a dictatorial state

"In the same conversation, the two Mormon girls talked about their sexual exploits (one of these girls keeps a list--supposedly--of boys she's had sex with) and their activities in the Mormon church. So in one breath, one girl said she'd like to try a three-some sex adventure and that she's active in her ward's YW program."

This seems to be one of those "unwritten rules" (like in baseball) where it's not documented, but is "ok.." as long as you try, experiment, STOP...AND THEN marry RM, do the temple thang, bust out lot of kids, stay VERY active in the church..

I remember reading where it is technically "ok" for young men and women to experiment with homosexual relations...as long as they then see the light, marry (in the temple), pump out kids etc...

"I remember reading where it is technically "ok" for young men and women to experiment with homosexual relations...as long as they then see the light, marry (in the temple), pump out kids etc..."

This came from either a GC talk or a Stake Conf. talk...and was documented with a link (though I don't have it know)

Is this a reading of how church discipline works? It's usually a soft hearted Bishop's call (and only if he finds out) if you're a child or never married. But the punishments are serious if you've had endowments and get caught. Do they sense that until they've gone to the temple they'll get a pass?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2013 05:42PM by crom.

Joseph Smith:

If you do not accuse each other, God will not accuse you. If you have no accuser you will enter heaven. . . . What many people call sin is not sin; I do many things to break down superstition, and I will break it down.

History of the Church, 4:445-446


You would hope this would mean "no harm no sin". But judging by all the secretiveness and lying committed by Smith it appears to mean "It's not a sin if no one knows."

It doesn't just happen in Utah county. It's rampant in small rural communities in Utah as well.

It's only so scandalous because they keep it so hidden and secretive. Like when I was at school, my friends used to talk about sex with their parents, and they'd know how sexually active they were. They'd also slowly introduce them to alcohol (even before the legal age), and so on. Mormon teenagers that do the same thing keep it so secret, but really what they're doing wouldn't be seen as a big deal if they were in a normal family.

No senior in HS or age 18, whichever comes first, will discuss their sex life, their virginity, or their birth control with their mother.

So it's just as well the OP has those talks with her daughter now and is giving her factual information.

When I was a senior in HS, my mom, concerned because I had a steady boyffriend, offered to take me to her OB/GYN if I wanted to go on the birth control pill. I said no, but one year later, as an 18 year old college freshman--with a new steady boyfriend--I said yes.

"clueless LDS parents would be stunned at the double lives their teens live."

What makes you think the Mormon parents aren't just as two-faced?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/25/2013 06:38PM by liminal state.

They are for the most part.

All the talk about high standards. As a non-mo who lived in SLC, I dated many mormon girls. They'd usually break it off (so to speak) a few months into the ordeal, but it would be a wild few months.

The craziest was seeing a picture in the paper of a girl who was getting married in the temple - a girl who had me blindfolded on my bed a few months before the announcement was in the paper.

It's a two-faced society. Or as my good mormon friend would call it - "living the double life."

I've had RM roommates who would have won Emmy's for their double-performances.

Pillars of Mormon society in public, but h-o-l-y sh*t, behind closed doors . . .

What amazed me were the great, mean, vicious lengths they'd go to to protect one image from the other--and sometimes at the expense of people around them. This is why I'd never trust a Mormon the same way again.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/25/2013 07:00PM by liminal state.

"do it and lie about it."

"clueless LDS parents would be stunned at the double lives their teens live."

"hypocrisy and secret lives happen when you live in a dictatorial state"

Everybody else said it well.

Why is this even a topic of discussion. Last I saw, we all lived lives which were not equivalent to what The Lord expects of us. Instead of mocking, shouldn't we pray for others? What would Jesus Christ do?

Jgg Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What would
> Jesus Christ do?

He would speak against hypocrisy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2013 04:36PM by wine country girl.

And backbiting and talking behind peoples back and gossiping.

He pointed out people who were pretending to be righteous but were living lives of sin. Wine Country Girl is right - hypocrisy got him killed so he'd want us to warn others about the dangers of people who look like sheep but are, inside, raving wolves.

Your intent, Jgg, is honorable but misguided. You identify for some reason with girls like this and want to speak up for them. Honorable. But letting people believe a lie is misguided and if some Mormons aren't what they pretend to be, then people need to be warned not to fall for the lie they are presenting. The answer is for Mormons (or anyone) need to have integrity if they don't want to be called on their dishonesty.

I don't see what you see. Point it out to me.

jgg, what do you think the self-same outwardly righteous but in reality sexually active girls would say about another girl who is doing the same thing? They would gossip and shame that girl to no end. What do you think Jesus would say about that?