Hi all.

I've looked at some posts on this site before and wondered if you guys could help. My partner is a gay ex-mormon (hence why she left). Most of her family are still TBMs with a couple of exceptions. She's still in contact with them and I've met most of them too, and they're not bad people - they're just very conservative, very xenophobic, slightly racist, believe Barack Obama is a secret muslim, vote UKIP (we're in the UK) etc etc. They've tried hard to not be rude to me and they've actually been lovely to me.

She won't talk to me about it, but it seems like she's having trouble at the moment despite having come out to her parents and left the church just shy of four years ago. The problem is that she feels that her family don't value her - or that more specifically, because she's a girl, they never really did. Her elder brother has also left the church - he's straight and engaged but drinks, lives with his fiancee and has a child with her. Her family, especially the members of it she feels don't value her at all (her maternal grandparents in particular), are far more engaged and interested in his life, make more of an effort to go and see him, and stay in contact more with him.

I've tried to point out that it's probably more that while he's broken some of the rules and moved away from the church, he didn't outwardly come out and reject it in the same way that being gay meant that she had to. But tied up in all of this is the fact that she feels like she can't achieve anything in life, particularly when it comes to a career. She says that her family essentially thought she was going to University to find a husband and that the most useful thing her family thought she could have done was get married to a RM by the time she was 20 and be popping out children. She feels that no matter what she does she'll never be as valuable or cared-about in comparison to her brother, and it's really hitting her belief in herself and her ability to succeed.

I don't know how to get her past this lack of self-belief and -worth - do any of you have any advice?

All help appreciated. Thanks.

I'm not sure I have any good advice for you but I'll throw out a few ideas that occurred to me as I read your post. First, you can't make people change their attitudes in life. If her parents favor the male child or have problems with her being ex-Mormon or gay, they are only going to change if they want to change. And they probably don't want to. She is stuck with parents who have these values.

What needs to change, IMO, is for your partner to accept this fact and know she is OK anyway. That she is a good, valuable person, equal to her brother in every way no matter what her parents think. That it's her parents who have a problem with their priorities and not HER failure. That she can't change them and needs to decide how much she wants to be around them, what the deal-breakers are where she'll take a break from them. She needs to realize that their LDS brainwashing has messed with their sense of priorities and that they probably do love her and value her plenty, they are just being led astray by bad Mormon teachings.

Anyway, I'm not sure how you'll help her realize all that but you are wonderful for trying. Identifying what is really going on and who is to blame for the situation is the first step. Good luck.

I think your partner would benefit from therapy. She is dealing with a lot of "I wish people were...." statements in her head.

We can't change other people. A part of therapy is learning to acknowledge and accept life as it is, not as we wish it were.

Another thing that therapy can help with is identifying what you want yourself to be. You have power over that. She can focus on her own goals in life, instead of worrying about other people's expectations.

It's wonderful that she has a sensitive and understanding partner. Still, these are issues she will need to resolve.

I wish you - and your partner - well!

I second everything CA Girl and ellenl said. And I have a few observations.

Has she considered that part of the reason her brother gets more attention is because he has a child? I know I spent a lot more time around my brother when I had nieces and nephews to play with.

And I agree that in the mormon culture the males are more valued than the females. It's a patriarchal culture where women tend to be viewed more as an accessory to their husbands than as interesting individuals in their own rights. It's not right, but that's often the mind set.

If your partner's family is conservative they could be spending more time with her brother because his family structure is more familiar - dad, mom, and child. Your family is unique and unconventional. A lot of times when people are faced with something they're not familiar or comfortable with the easiest option is to ignore it. (People with cancer sometimes find that good friends start avoiding them because they're uncomfortable with cancer.)

Her family might not even notice they're doing it. As bezoar said, they might just be avoiding a situation that they're not sure how to handle, perhaps not even conscious that that is what they're doing.

Their church teaches them that homosexuality is straight up evil. Its actually one of the most serious sins in Mormonism. Dealing with that kind of black and white view of someone, especially a family member, is bound to make them uncomfortable.

Also, Mormons tend to be very involved in their church. It can eventually become the whole focus of their life. It can easily be pretty much all they really talk about. So when your partner left Mormonism, it also took away a significant chunk of their conversation material. I noticed this with my mom, when I left Mormonism. It really is all she ever talked about, and now that I've left it, she really just doesn't know how to hold a conversation with me.

How is YOUR relationship with your partner's parents? Maybe this is something you could bring up with them? If they're not even really aware there is a problem, maybe it would be beneficial for you to say something as simple as, "You know, I think ____ would really appreciate it if you came to visit sometime." Or, "_____ has really missed talking to you guys, its been a while since you called."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/31/2013 01:35PM by nickname.

I don't know how to get someone to believe in themselves, because I always did and that's what got me out of Mormonism, but regarding the family issue I would just second what everyone else has already said:

I think the breakthrough she needs is to understand that although a supportive loving family may be a big bonus in life, it does not define it. At the end of the day no matter how great a family is--or not, it is you alone carving out your destiny, finding your successes, making connections of value, and learning from your failures. The only thing that counts is whether you "went for it" or not.


At the end of the day you have faith in yourself because you are aware of your own strengths, talents, and potential, not because your family sent a card or made you a cake.

I suggest she find what she feels her strengths are and start building on them. And she's got you who apparently really care so as far as I'm concerned she's already got it all and doesn't know it.

She could join the private facebook group: UKformerLDS

It is a very active group and offers support. I think someone has to invite you to join. Let me know if you are interested.

She wants something that she most likely will never get. That would be her parents approval.

I tried for years to get that for myself. You can't make anyone give you something they don't want to give.

You have to find a way to move past that. I woke up one day and realized I could walk on water and it still wouldn't be good enough.

First and foremost, you have to approve of yourself. If you don't, why not? What can you do to change that?

This is where therapy may be a good thing for some. I waded through it alone. In the end, I disconnected from everyone who didn't approve of me. Funny thing, they were all mormons.

She may have lost a lot of structure when she lost the church and then found the family sort of went at least half way out the door with it too. The church pretty much dictates your life and when you leave sometimes you just aren't sure what to do next. It takes a while for some to find their feet again and replace what is no longer there with something better.

I would just keep getting her to try new things until something inspires her.