My non-active cousin was visiting over the weekend and when we sat down to eat lunch, my wife (Catholic) asked me to say a prayer. I looked at her funny, said I don't do prayers anymore (she's well aware of where I stand), but she persisted. It was awkward so I decided to say a prayer rather than take a stand and make this cousin, who I barely know, really uncomfortable. I chose to pray.

The only prayers I know are the standard mormon catch phrase prayers that we all know and regurgitate over and over. I started per custom with "Our dear, gracious, heavenly father"... and suddenly every funny thing I've ever read on this board started running through my mind and a slight smile started spreading across my face. I buried my chin deeper and pressed on. "Thank you for this time we get to spend together"... Now I'm 6 years old again and in Sunday school, looking at the kid next to me and making faces. "We ask thee to bless this food"... Oh sh!t, here comes that next phrase. My mind is locked, I can't change paths. I've been indoctrinated to say the next few words and there's no force on earth that can stop it from coming out of my mouth. "...that it may nurshandstrengthen"... and I lost it. I broke out in a full fit of belly laughter that hasn't happened in a long time. I recommend everybody say a good old mormon prayer. It turns out, it's actually good for the soul.

You need to work up the following prayer between you and someone else at the table: as seen on the hit TV show, “The Big Bang Theory” Season 3, Episode 1.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snx2QbGqU_8

Background: Sheldon’s mom is an ultra-born-again Christian living in Texas who raised two twins, Sheldon and his sister. Sheldon is a super genius scientist living in Pasadena California who doesn't practice religion of sorts. In this segment Sheldon has returned home to be with his mom.

TV Transcript:

Mom: Here you go Shelly.

Sheldon: Thanks Mom. (Sheldon picks up food to start eating).

Mom: Hold your horses young man. Here in Texas we pray before we eat.

Sheldon: AAAAh mom.

Mom: This is not California, land of the heathen. (audience laughs)

Mom: Gee-me [give me] (reaching her hand out to hold Sheldon’s hand) (Sheldon throws his food back on the plate and reaches out to hold his mom’s hand in prayer.)


***THE PRAYER***

Mom: By his hand we all are . . .

Sheldon: (stubborn pause than reluctantly says) Fed

Mom: Give us Lord our daily . . .

Sheldon: Bread

Mom: Please know that we are truly . . .

Sheldon: Grateful

Mom: For every cup and every . . .

Sheldon: Plateful

Mom: Amen (audience laughter)

That's about how I felt starting the prayer.

I kind of wonder if this will happen to me if/when I visit my parents again.

For some unknown reason, out of 5 kids, it seems that my Dad always chooses me to ask the prayer. (And I do mean always, my siblings have also noticed this. I'm not sure if I'm just good at "conveying the spirit" or what, but I'm the one praying all the time). I haven't decided if next time it comes up if I'll attempt to politely refuse, or just give the Standard Mormon Food Prayer(tm).

After reading your account of attempting to give the Standard Mormon Food Prayer(tm) if the same would happen to me. I can just imagine bursting into loud laughter to my parents horror while "Talking to God". I really think this is likely because every sentence is just amazingly bad.

I may have to think this through and be prepared! :)

It's gonna happen. You will remember every single funny thing you've heard here and one phrase or another will trigger the laughter. Maybe it will be "do us the good we need", or "bless we travel home safely", or "thank you for this time together",but it will happen. Good luck!

Oh, it'll happen... "Bless the hands that prepared the ..." Really? Just the hands?

"Thankful for the time together"... No God brought us together, it was parental guilt that made us all drive across country to sit awkwardly at the table pretending that we have more in common other than genetics...

I can just "imagine" a real prayer, I think I've read similar somewhere:

"Thank the people who picked the food, slaughtered the animal and shipped it across country so we wouldn't have to do those things. Thank Mom for cooking the food. Hopefully it won't be dry and tasteless like last time. Please let the conversation not be too awkward and will hopefully be at least a little interesting. And finally, since I had to say this 'prayer', let someone else clear the table this time. Ramen."

Nobody asks me anymore, but I have my opening lines all ready:

http://youtu.be/dIYxAsZIIP0

More power to you if you can say that with a straight face. I'm not sure I can ever say a prayer again, regardless of content, with a straight face.

It's been difficult for me for many years to sit through a mormon blessing on the food without laughing. "Dear Lord, please bless this high fat, genetically modified, chemically laden processed crap that we call food to nourishandstrengthen our bodies." I think if I had to do it, I'd add "and while you're performing such miracles, would you please make it rid us of 10 lbs."

That's right. If one believes in prayer, why not just eat mercury and ask the lord that it will "nurshandstrengthen"?

Western version (we said this LONG before the Simpsons):

Good food,
Good drink,
Good Lord,
Let's eat!

Good food
Good meat
Good god
Let's eat

Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
YAAAAAAY GOD!

Short, fun, and to the point.

what I REALLY want to know!

I regained enough composure to mumble "..and we say these things in the name of JC, amen", then proceeded as if nothing happened. We dug into our food quickly. I don't think anybody wanted to acknowledge the awkwardness of it.

How about the standard:
Rub a dub dub. Bless the grub


or do like my Granddaughter did soon after her Mommy left the church. She was at TBM former BP Grandpas house and asked to bless the food.

"Dear Buddah.......

Or we thank thee oh all important power of the universe that we can be here together. Let thy healing light enter us and sustain us by allowing our bodies to absorb and be strengthened by this food. We thank the powers that be that Christ came to teach us how to be non judgmental of each other, to love and help each other and be happy on this earth......Halelujah!!!

Rub a dub dub
Thanks for the grub
Yeahhhhhhh......God!

Heavenly Father,

Holy Ghost,

He who grabs,

Gets the most.

Blessing the food before we eat is extremely ingrained into the
Christian (and Mormon) world.

However I know of no commandment to do such a thing. Do the
scriptures say to bless the food before you eat it? If not
where did the idea come from and why is it so pervasive to the
extent that some people think not saying "grace" before you eat
is a sin?

That said, if anyone ever asks me to say "grace," I'm directing
it to Heavenly Mother.

A good hearty laugh at yourself is very therapeutic. I would be interested in knowing what your wife and cousin said.

I still remember the prayer by highschool boyfriend's Catholic family said as grace. "Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."

My wife was irritated. She didn't say anything, but I could see it in her eyes. My cousin was uncomfortable. She's been inactive for 5 years, but I can tell she hasn't broken through on letting everything go, especially the rituals, like prayer. I think she's in that stage of not knowing what to believe (in terms of god) now that she doesn't believe the mormon church is "the one true church". Her brother is on a mission (she told me she tried to talk him out of it) and her parents are active and she still lives in SLC so she's very much surrounded by the culture. In subsequent conversations she told me she's probably agnostic.

I think I said something like, "Sorry, it's been a long time since I've prayed" and quickly moved on to eating.

No matter where I am if someone wants to pray over the food I will not eat while they're doing it, but I always make sure they see that I'm not changing my posture and I look at everyone while the prayer is being said.

Especially when there are kids I'll make sure to smile at them while the prayer is being said so they know at least one adult at the table doesn't buy into the mumbo jumbo. After they say amen I make sure to pointedly thank whoever actually cooked the food...

From "Talledaga Nights":https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A0-u85aAYg

The message of truth in this parody is that there's a whole lot of projecting going on in our concepts of Jesus.

One of the greatest scenes ever!

Your wife should not have pushed you into praying when you did not want to.
If she tries that again on you, stand your ground.

"Dear God, we paid for this ourselves, so thanks for nothing."

"Nourish and strengthen our bodies and do us the good that we need to carry us through the rest of this day..."
hahahaha!!!!

Your screen name running through my mind is probably what put me over the top. It has always made me chuckle.

Haha!!!! Nice. Let's be friends.

I'd do the Hebrew prayer said before meals, in Hebrew.

Hey, I could tell them, you never said what kind of prayer. I did the prayer for food.

AND, if they had a problem with that, I could always tell them that I'd do the Grace After Meals (the full Hebrew version, takes about 20 minutes).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/15/2013 03:45PM by michael.

You should recite the prayer in reformed Egyptian, that would be more appropriate.

CTRringturnsmyfingergreen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You should recite the prayer in reformed Egyptian, that would be more appropriate.

Would they know the difference?

Definitely. The spirit would witness to the truthfulness of the prayer by giving them a warm feeling if it were in reformed egyptian.

CTRringturnsmyfingergreen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Definitely. The spirit would witness to the truthfulness of the prayer by giving them a warm feeling if it were in reformed egyptian.

But wouldn't "reformed Egyptian" sound like Hebrew? Aren't they supposedly from the same linguistic group?

The spirit knows.

LoL!! :)

My youngest brother, when a teenager with serious doubts about the existence of a higher power, was once put on the spot to pray at a family reunion. He addressed his petition to various Greek and Roman gods, complete with requests for specific Christmas presents and for the Packers to go to the Superbowl that year. He was never asked to pray at a family function again.

This pretty funny!

He's a great kid--well, he's 31 now but he'll always be my baby whose diapers I changed. I was a TBM at the time of this epic plea to the gods and I thought it was hilarious. Our uber-TBM grandmother has never forgiven him, though.

More I think on it, funnier it gets!

My prayer would have gone something like the follwing:

Dear bearded, alien, wizard that dwelleth on a planet made of glass that orbits the start system Kolob, in a galaxy far, far away. I would thank you for this day, but seeing as how the rotation of the earth on it's axis is what brought about this day I will thank you for this food - wait, no - you didn't give us this food so instead I'll thank the farmers that grew the food, the shipping company that got it to the grocery store and I'll thank myself and my wife for being contributing members of society and working so we could afford to buy this food.

I would ask you to cast a magical spell through space an time to remove any impurities in this food but I would hate to put you in an awkward position such as that. You see, I've asked you to bless my food in the past, but the food I blessed was not cooked properly and thus gave me food poisoning and I got really sick. That was my wedding night of all nights. Yes, my wedding night was the WORST night of my entire life due to the awful food poisoning I had after eaten food that was blessed by a faithful Mormon. I can't imagine that night was great for my new bride either. So, clearly you either don't have the ability to bless food or choose not to so I won't put you in a position to ask you do do something you either can't or wont do.

I would ask you to help me to have a good day and to drive safely, but those things are dependent upon my attitude and the attention I give to the roads while I'm driving. I would close in the name of Jesus, but seeing as how he has nothing to do with this food at all I'll just leave it as it. Peace out God - don't get carried away committing genocide up there! Have a good day!!

Having the sh!ts in your wedding night sounds brutal. Thanks a lot hay-seuss for taking care of the food.