When I told my two best friends (both TBM) recently that I was finally going to resign, they both acted as if it was a personal attack on their beliefs. Then, they told me that they would "still love me" and (jokingly?) called me a heathen (which they've done for years). I'm a little offended. If it were the other way around, I wouldn't belittle their beliefs. I know the church teaches them to be judgmental, but I thought they were above all that. Guess I was wrong.

We're making the effort to continue to love you although you've changed and aren't quite as worthy of our love as you once were.

So sorry, but this is a common and very hurtful reaction from mormons. I think they're hoping it will snap you out of your unfaithfulness.

Sounds like they really know what love is.
It's conditional, of course.

That's what I thought, but I had hoped I was wrong. Do I just ignore them like I've been doing for the past 20 years, or do I bring it up? It really grates on my nerves. Even my mother (also TBM) doesn't understand how they can say these things to me. I guess I should feel blessed that my mother has never treated me this way.

These people are brainwashed and won't be able to see the logic or feel the emotions you do.

With certain topics Mormons are like cardboard cutouts.

Screw um. Get new non-TBM friends who will love you unconditionally.

I do have an ex-mormon family who understands what I am going through since they left the church the year I was born. However, their son and I used to be "best friends with benefits" and everytime I speak to the father, he brings his son up to me. The son is married and now has two kids (and used to call and come over to my house during the beginning of his marriage) so I don't want anything to do with him anymore. Other than that, I don't have any ex-mormon friends. I have a couple of nevermo friends. One just wants to continuously remind me that I am "technically" still a mormon since I haven't resigned and she's just as judgmental as the mormons were (she's Church of Christ--"nondenominational" she likes to say--don't get me started about denominations). It doesn't help that her husband is the pastor of this only believe in the teachings of the New Testament, can't worship using musical instruments, Mormons are cults (at least he got that right) church. My other close friend is a very devout Catholic who "has a sister-in-law who is a mormon" but doesn't understand what I'm going through. That's why I was happy to have found this board full of like-minded exmormons.

You can walk off a job and never go back and you're not still an employee because you did not happen to write a formal letter of resignation.

That's very true!

Well I am learning Buddhism now (very far removed from Mo-ism with its guilt) and I will be your friend on this board. I think you might want to take a class or talk with people at the library etc. just to make some neighborhood friends. We are here for you though anytime.

Thank you! I am so glad that I found other like-minded people.

TBM's brand about the word 'Love' so recklessly. What they really mean is 'we love you to join/stay in the church'.

When I was investigating the church not only was I loved(or at least told so), but told I was Amazing, Special, a privilege to know, that I was already just like a good church member, Talented, Awesome and even Good looking (by the Ward missionary).

Every week when I came to church the welcome by the ward missionary was overwhelming (like I was royalty). When his calling ended, he hardly even said hello! lol



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2013 04:51AM by zeezrom.

I have found that to be true for my mother who is still a TBM. My mom has been disabled for about 3 years now and I can count on one hand how many church "friends" have stopped by to see if she needs anything. When she was the pianist and a regular church goer though, she was told how special she was and had lots of friends who would stop by just to say hello.

Yeah unfortunately in Mormonism they are brainwashed into the "us vs them" or "your either with us or against us" mentality. You quit their "tribe" and so they take offense to it. They can NOT respect your rejection of Mormonism so they have to somehow defend it by calling you a heathen. They can't help it; its a knee jerk reaction. It doesn't compute in their pre-programmed closed little minds and so they have to spew some kind of word of disapproval of your new found beliefs.

Don't you think it's interesting that they feel the need to tell you that they still love you? If you cut your hair would they tell you they still loved you, or if you changed jobs, or moved to a new home. Why does leaving their church require a reaffirmation of their love. Their love should be a given.

What I find very so disturbing, frightening really, is when your family reject you, stop visiting or communicating with you. Tell your grandchildren not to talk to you. I would have thought their love, their concern for their papa, would be far more important to them. After all according to their church, I have committed a terrible sin, I could be consigned to outer darkness and cut off from them forever. Yet they stop all communication to their own father and papa. I am so shocked and depressed by the control the church has on our children and loved ones, that it can turn the whole family against you. Don't they love me any more?

Yeah. If they think you are going to be in outer darkness in the next life, why aren't they making the best of having you in this life and visiting with you often before it's too late--for eternity?

I'll tell you why: their "testimonies" are extremely fragile and must be protected from any bumps. Even a good look at them may cause them to crumble.

"We still love you."

*cue condescending expression, "How very... charitable of you."

HATE that freaking attitude. I get it from my evangelical family a loooot.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2013 12:47PM by southern.

Were they joking about the heathen part? Maybe they just meant that even tho their church tells them to shun you (you heathen you), that they're not going to do that and you don't need to worry about them being nasty.

Unless their actions show that they meant it condescendingly, give them a chance. Mormons, after a while, don't associate much with non Mormons except at work or such, so they may feel a bit awkward remembering how to be friends for real reasons.

I am so sorry for the hurt that you are experiencing, Offradar. From yours words, your ache and pain comes through. I truly hope that your children will be able to realize what they are doing and apologize to you, begging your forgiveness.

Look at it from their perspective.
They barely hang onto a mythology - of which most certainly each has individual doubt - which is kept aloft and encouraged via shared delusion. That is what fast and testimony is about.
The very presence of a logical doubter is a potentially fatal threat.

You are the spark to the Hindenburg.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/16/2013 01:40PM by zenjamin.