We recently found out a family member was abusing their spouse. The spouse made it very public I guess after a long period of keeping quiet. The couple's bishop found out and met with them that day. He saw the bruises and the couple admitted that yes this was indeed happening. He decided that a free babysitter and a dinner gift card out would help them mend their relationship. Now according to their state laws, any adult who knows of abuse between a married couple( apparently unmarried doesn't matter) Is required to inform law enforcement of family services. When we found out the bishop didn't, we had to call. Now we have family members very upset with us and are not speaking to us. Another family member bailed the abusive spouse out of jail without any thought to putting the spouse or children in danger. So we contacted the bishop who we called out on not only not following the law but also not following TSCC policy and calling the hotline that would have helped him know the law. He also chose his words very carefully on where he did not see bruises. funny the police saw them not but a few hours later and took pictures. I hate the tscc and some really stupid family members that can't seem to use their brains. PLEASE someone tell me how on earth anyone thought dinner and a babysitter would fix this? Am I crazy? She had bruises from the neck up. How do you NOT call the police? How do people just stand aside, sweep it under the rug and continue to watch people they care about get hurt over and over? The spouse that was getting beat up is no longer speaking to me... fine. At least I know I tried to protect them. I care about them and I hope one day they see that I did this out of love. Not to hurt them.

A nice night out can help (not necessarily fix, but definitely help) a relationship that is strained.

Domestic abuse is a bit beyond strained.

The bishop was probably just thoughtlessly misapplying a stock solution he read about once (and quite probably burned his bosom on) to a situation he chose to trivialize in the name of cog dis.

A lot of spousal abuse in among those not "officially" married. Indeed, it is actually higher. As for the requirement of reporting, here it is limited to certain required persons like social workers, teachers, medical treaters, etc., not everyone. In some places clergy are specifically excluded from reporting what they learn from the perpetrator in confidence. In the case where they learn from the abused person, they are usually required to report it. What the OP indicates is a case on the cusp of the two: where the couple comes in together.

A classic case of needing professional clergy.

+1

100% agree

Someday the beaten person WILL thank you, they just don't see it right now. :)

You did the right thing. I'm extremely proud of you. (((Hugs)))

That bishop needs to have a talking to. Damn, what he did really pisses me off. :mad:

Making that call took a lot of courage. One day the person will be grateful.

You aren't crazy, you are brave, and you did the right thing, regardless of what anyone else says or think. Escalating behavior- your friend could end up dead. The children need therapy, too, for a long time.

Also, the bishop may not have been strictly required to report the abuse legally, but he had an ethical obligation to do it.

The solution to domestic abuse is not a night out. The solution is to end the relationship. Actually, I wouldn't even call it a relationship. A relationship is when two people love and respect each other, and treat each other accordingly. When you beat the other person into submitting to your will, the correct word is bondage.

Now, I know the abuser isn't always like that, or they can change. That is okay, they can be nice most of the time, and have fun changing someplace else. Until they complete the change, an abuser doesn't need to be in a situation where they will continue to abuse. It's like leaving a coke addict in a house full of blow, and expecting him to refrain, just because he wants to quiet. Things just don't work that way in real life.

Oh, and if anyone ever on here is mad enough that you want to hit your spouse or partner, I have only one suggestion. Get out of the house. You can come back when you cool off, but in the meantime, go on a long walk, or go see a movie. In fact this is good advice for anyone who finds themselves losing it with the person they supposedly love.

"But I'm too drunk to go anywhere Coke Drinker?" You might say. "Well then you don't have to go too far, just far enough where you are not mixing alcohol and anger," I would reply. Call a taxi, or hide behind a bush while you play Candy Crush on your phone or something.

Does this couple have children? If so, then there is NO QUESTION that you did the right thing. Does this couple not have children? If not, then there is NO QUESTION that you did the right thing by hopefully helping her to her senses and getting OUT before there ARE children for him to take his anger issues on.

They have several children.I've been told I'm selfish and how could I tear a family apart right before Christmas.but when I saw the bruises on her neck from being choked( not to mention others) I thought it would be good her being alive for Christmas. I did a little research yesterday and found out 30 states are trying to make choking a felony because that is one of the biggest signs that the abuse will escalate. Right now any abuse is a misdemeanor with exception of sexual abuse.

You didn't break up that family. The abuser did.

Tristan Wrote:
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> You didn't break up that family. The abuser did.


This. The abuser is the only one who broke up that family.

Learn about abuse and domestic violence: www.thehotline.org

Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Abusive relationships are NOT like normal relationships and normal relationship advice does not apply -- it can often make things worse.

It's very typical for the target to resist help, to be angry at family members who call the police or family services. This happens because the target often does not realize she's being abused, even though it's obvious to everyone else. The abuser has spent years blaming, shaming, accusing, and turning everything back on her, making her responsible for the relationship, for his feelings and moods, for everything about their lives. She will feel powerless, helpless, and horrible about herself; in fact, most abused women feel it's all their fault until they learn about domestic violence.

Unfortunately in many cases, the abuser "gets away" with it because he's an expert at appearing to other people to be a loving, kind husband and father. He's an expert at minimizing and denying the abuse, as well as twisting and distorting. Even if he's required to have an evaluation, visit a counselor, or attend an abuser group, he may do just what he has to do to get back into the home and continue his behavior.

You did the right thing; keep on supporting the target and learning more about abuse.

I was told that I was selfish by LDC Social Services. A Bishop told me I just needed to love him more, also if I left, it would be my fault that I did not keep the family together. But then the next Bishop found out and spoke with me. He stated he would help me and make sure he would not hurt me again. I thought it would be in the form of finding a safe place for me and the children, money etc. No, he brings in the abusive SOB, chews him out and threatens ex communication. I think you can guess what happened when he got home. Needless to say I kept my mouth shut for a long time.
I agree, paid and TRAINED clergy is very necessary.

My first ex was also abusive; in addition, he was spending hours each day/night with porn for over a decade. He hit me on two occasions and pushed my oldest daughter against a wall. I was still a TBM, so I kept trying to get help -- any help -- from the leaders.

I was also told I was selfish, that it was my fault/responsibility that he treated me the way he did, etc.

The kicker: "Sister, if you were just a better wife, he wouldn't HAVE to do these things."

I was told that if we divorced, it would be my fault for tearing the family apart. Ex, on the other hand, would be rewarded in the CK with hundreds of faithful wives, whilst I would lose any chance at exaltation.

Thus started my journey out.