Twas the night before Christmas, in fair Zarahemla Where two seons of gold won't fetch half a limnah Since the buildings all crumbled and smashed to the ground Over dead, bloody people heaped up in a mound.
The children were strewn over sharp rocky beds While visions of cureloms danced in their heads And Mamma with her bleeding and my fractured thigh Had just settled down to curse God and die.
When out in the rubble arose such a clatter I strained my head up to see what was the matter And peered o'er the stones - my eyes flew like a tapir just stabbed in a battle with an iron-tipped rapier
The sky covered up by black clouds of debris Hid the frenzied, cold wounded still trying to flee When what to my wondering eyes should appear But a pinprick of light growing steadily nearer
From a man clothed in white, his robe open in front Like a pimp-daddy lounge singer pulling some stunt When a voice still and small wafted over the snow That pierced to my soul, "Folks it's time for the show!
"Come hear Jesus, my son, in whom I'm well pleased Who helped ravage your cities with death and disease!" So I looked and saw Him light down from the sky Landing on top of and crushing some elderly guy.
I stared right into this holy hipster's breast Which was shaven as freshly as his chin, legs, and the rest His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He was fit as a stallion, and smelled of chlorine From that Heavenly hot tub where he stashed Ann, Meg, and Doreen A wink of his eye and a twist of his head Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He'd scarcely arrived when he went straight to work Proclaiming himself emperor, the self-righteous jerk Then he invited the young and the old not yet dead To forget their own wounds and check his out instead
Then he quickly got bored and started to rise Up and lecture us all on how to baptize He laid out every detail as if I should care About proper procedures when one missed a few hairs.
Then to prove that he wouldn't leave us all in a lurch He took care to expound on the name of his Church. Then he healed some of the injured who had faith to heal And suggested they forget dead friends who lacked zeal.
Now laying a finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up to heaven he rose. But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"