While the 'shunning treatment' may be standard in the LDS church and in other churches, calling it 'shunning' waters down what it actually is. IT IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Let's call it what it is. ABUSE.


http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/SilentTreatment.html

http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

http://www.dovechristiancounseling.com/SilentTreatment.html


https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?262-Silent-Treatment-Covert-Abuse

I've spoken to this subject before on this forum and got flamed for my opinion. I will share my opinion again because I am dead set against abuse. Shunning, the silent treatment, being treated with a cold shoulder while others are welcomed whole heartedly, being left out of family/friendly gatherings, holidays, family events is ABUSE.

Call it shunning, call it a rift in relationships, it is ABUSE.

Speaking for myself, I don't accept abuse. The silent treatment is not just something the LDS church made up although they have fine tuned it to an art. Many people in life, outside of churches and in businesses and in families are passive aggressive and seek to control and punish people by withdrawing their favors and setting up a silent wall between you and them.

How I have handled it depends on who is doing it. It also rests on a few realizations that I have made concerning myself.

1. I am NOT on a mission from God. It is not up to me to single handedly represent God to anyone that would make me allow someone to walk all over me and treat me wrongly, especially in front of my children just because I feel I must allow this because of the gospel of any church.

2. It is NOT up to me to single handedly save any relationship by allowing myself to be a door mat to be walked on. Relationships are a two way street and it is not my responsibility to make others talk, communicate or change their behavior. ONLY THEY can change their behavior.

3. I will not beg anyone to be my friend nor will I beg anyone to love me. NOBODY is better than anybody who would treat me like crap.

A long time ago, my father gave me the silent treatment. He just sat there and ignored me when I spoke to him. He was upset with a decision I made and gave me the silent treatment. I left the house after my visit. I still sent him birthday cards, etc and when he came around, he spoke to me.

I had people in a Lutheran church (before I had joined the LDS church) shun ooops ignore me. Two women had extended the supposed hand of friendship to me when I was new in the church and then, for some reason decided to turn their self righteous noses up at me. It occurred after a Lenteen luncheon. That morning there was a car accident at my corner..it involved two cars, one filled with young black people. By the way, this happened in Georgia. It was bad and they were walking around the car afterwards while traffic was trying to drive pass. They were bleeding and I took them into my house,...sheparded them away from traffic...into safety. They were hurt. They went to the hospital. I had blood all over my bathroom sink...while they washed up. I was shaken by the incident and shared it at the luncheon. People just looked at me. What fine Christians. After that I was given the silent treatment. NOT only that, but the one lady made a face when ever she saw me. My husband didn't believe me until I set it up and I walked past her, she grimaced at me and my husband was like, "dang, you're right."

We ended up moving back north and one Sunday before we left we made our rounds of saying good bye to everyone. These two ladies sat at their table, holding court after Sunday school and looked at my husband and I expecting us to 'pay our respects' to them and I stuck my nose up in the air and sashayed my NY butt right past them. I am glad I did and I am still glad.

I had a friend once who got mad at me. Dropped me like a hot potato, silent treatment, no explanations, no returned phone calls and went to be friends with a lady she always bad mouthed. Then she got mad at her, called me out of the blue and wanted to be friends again..because June is a so and so. I told her it was a no go, I would not continue to do this with her.

A local woman was friends with my family and her daughter was friends with my daughter. She works in a local lab where I go to get my blood drawn and for some reason, she has taken to giving me the cold shoulder. Why? I don't know. The first time I put it down to her being in a bad mood. Second and third time, I got the hint. Not only that but her daughter has taken to doing the same to my daughter. Why? I don't know. All I know is that I will find another lab to go to as I don't have to put up with that.

It is impossible to rectify a relationship if the other person is being passive aggressive. I don't have to win them over. They have to change. Period.

People will argue that family is different. How so? Family gets a free pass to abuse? I think family should be more responsible in treating each other right.


If you want to send cards for holidays and birthdays, that is fine. If someone wants to close the door on you...remove your foot and let it close.

People can only abuse us if we let them. It takes two to tango. That might sound harsh but it is not. IF people see that we are not playing their game, begging their favor, it just might make them reach out and talk. There's a better chance of that happening then if we get on their merry go round.

Take your personal power back and do not let others take it from you.

If someone want to walk out of my life, it is their free will decision (lol), I will not stop them.

I agree with everything that you have expressed here, and thank you again, because I need to read this especially now.

Thank you, thank you. :)

I guess I should have clarified that I am not for starting family wars, holding grudges or being passive aggressive in return. My whole premise is to see if the silent treatment is happening, then do what is best to protect oneself and family from it. It is abuse..family ...friends...we are not obligated to tolerate it and we don't have to fight back or engage. The best word here is..DISENGAGE.

I would suggest you refrain from finding another lab to do your blood work.

I would simply ask for another technician to take your blood and say you find her off-putting and rude, that having your blood taken is a stressful exercise for you and you'd prefer to have it taken from someone who is pleasant.

Call and complain to the owner or the manager of the lab in advance. Part of her job is to show appropriate bedside manner to the patients (read: customers.) She ain't doing her job.

Yes, shunning is abuse. It's also bullying.

You're right it takes two to play that game. It's up to the one who is shunned to decide if a possible re-cultivation of a marginalized relationship is worth the pain of putting up with being blatantly mistreated and discounted. I'd say with me it probably wouldn't be.

What I object to is the assertion that those who enable or put up with bad treatment are more honorable than those who don't.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 02:16PM by Cheryl.

"What I object to is the assertion that those who enable or put up
with bad treatment are more honorable than those who don't."

More often than not, those who allow themselves to put up
with bad treatment lack self esteem, backbone
and as a result encourage more of that bad treatment.

So right Cheryl. When there is a person being treated badly and a person treating someone badly, there is only one of those two that can make it stop.

Thank you for the information and for sharing your experiences. I have never experienced this kind of behavior before and it has been confusing and frustrating. I'm so glad that Rfm is here so we can all help each other. Thanks again.

Thank you for your post, and the replies. Appreciate the clarity.

I agree.

One thing to watch for. When I got depressed I dropped my friends by not writing etc. So be aware that others may also be having their own problems and it's not that they hate you, it's that it's too much energy to do friends. These people could use a 'hi' to keep them going. They will probably smile back and say hi, too, tho.

Just something to be aware of and watch for.

When I was just a kid I had a friend who was jealous of any other relationship I had.

We had a come to Jesus moment where I explained that this is not how our relationship was going to be and if she didn't like it, too bad.

She got the point.

Sometimes the other person has to get past their own issues and realize that the relationship is what is important.

If they can't do that, I wouldn't continue the relationship nor would I feel bad about it. Life is too damn short.

+1 = I agree that you don't have to take it because it is family. I don't.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 10:42AM by cynthus.

"People can only abuse us if we let them."

I disagree with that. It's a nice saying, but it places guilt on the victim. Especially when the victim isn't in a powerful position like a minor to a parent and some people don't have the ability to not stand up at all.

very true,Claire R.. That statement has bothered me too. Until I got the empowerment skills to do what it said. But until you get those skills and learn to use them, people, esp. sociopaths AARE out there to use others and abuse them and throw them away. Not a saintly quality, I must add.

Only I can label myself a 'victim.'

That statement was made about adults, it was not made concerning children. Nor is this post about people falling out of contact with each other, or any other normal life condition.

It IS about purposeful emotional and mental bullying and abuse. It is about learning how to recognize it and define it and see it for what it is. It is about learning about one's personal power, learning what boundaries you want to set, learn about unlearning cult doctrine where we think we have to be door mats to everyone to keep the faith, keep the family, keep the unity, keep the peace or whatever slogan/jargon people use to bully people into silence.

No one is powerless. It is not blaming the victim but rather it is a wake up call for the person being victimized to realize that is is abuse, label it under the correct name and then learn how to deal with it.

It is a learning experience. Just leaving an abusive cult/church/relationship is only the beginning. We have much to unlearn and re learn in our dealings with ourselves and with others.

Everyone HAS the ability to stand up for themselves and of course I am not referring to developmental disadvantage adults. We learned to be compliant, we can learn to say no.

I never could say no to anyone. I hated myself and my life because of it. What prompted me to learn to say no was in order to protect my kids from users and abusers. I paid much money for therapy and I spent much time in therapy. I learned that I had adopted the victim role in life. I let it happen. No, people will try to use and abuse. I learned it was up to me to say no and then to avoid people like that in the future.

So yes, it is my responsibility to say no to people who will use me, exploit me and my family. I take on that responsibility whole heartedly. I had to learn to forgive myself for past failures in that category.

I learned to set boundaries. I learned that I could set the limits of relationships. I learned I was in control of my life and that just because some one knocked on my door, as an analogy, it did not mean I had to open the door.

So yes, the responsibility is on us to learn to say no. It is on us to put our families in better circumstances with better people. It is up to us. We got ourselves out of the cult NOW it's time to get the cult mind set out of us.

Over and out. Merry Christmas, Happy Solstice and all that.

Also not talking about muggers, robbers, rapists, car accidents tornadoes, hurricanes....


Context is adult mormons shunning other adults who left the church