Did anyone catch that you were covenanting loyalty to tscc the first time you went? Or did you take awhile?

The parts that put me off were the cash register in the clothing area, the creepiness of the nude initiatory, and the need for locking lockers.

Yes. And really bothered me as well. I thought I would be going and get a real gift of esoteric knowledge, something so pure that it would prove to my doubting mind that the church was beyond a shawdow of a doubt true. Haha.

I was always a bit of an unbeliever even though I had never been exposed to the other side of the argument.

I was also bothered by the cash registers, and thought about the money collectors in the temple during the time of Jesus. The naked part bothered me because my dad had got into an argument with an anti-mormon at one time when the anti said that members got naked in the temple. My dad said they never did.

The secret oaths bothered me. I kept thinking about the secret combinations in the BOM, and how nothing was supposed to be secret. Then the clothing and chanting, repeating lines, bowing heads to say yes, etc. I kept thinking, "Oh my God, I'm in a cult" (repeated three times. Haha).

I was such a kiss-ass at that age, and because I had been abused by my parents, when they asked, I told them I thought it was great. My mom said she thought I would have the most trouble with it out of the ten kids in our family. I wish I would have been more truthful, it might have saved me from going on a mission and years of agony.

This was not a church I wanted to promise everything to.

that no-- If it did cause questions it was long enough that I don't remember clearly, I was probably thinking that it was God's church anyway. *sigh How wrong I was then.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 12:22AM by cynthus.

It took me a long time. I hate to admit it, but I didn't know WHAT to make of it all. I was so brainwashed and not used to thinking for myself, or at least acting on my own thought processes enough to come to any conclusion other that "I guess this is what God wants--better do it."

That last covenant in the temple was the one that bothered me the most. I was prepared to consecrate everything to the Lord, but when "the church" was inserted in the place of the Lord, I felt very uncomfortable. It always seemed wrong to me.

The nakedness under the shield was not great, but I didn't worry about it much. Maybe because I hadn't been raised in the church that preached modesty above all else.

Mainly I came away from the temple feeling like I must be doing something wrong because I couldn't figure out what the REAL meaning was behind all the stuff we were doing.

I first went before the 1990-ish changes. Back in the old days, we swore to give everything to building up the Kingdom of God. It felt oppressive, but a lot of us told ourselves that doing good for our fellow human beings, working to make the world a better place, and things like that were ways of fulfilling that commitment.

That's no longer possible now that the words were changed to "building up the church." That is yet another way to tell people that they have no ethical or spiritual independence from TSCC.

Oh - I heard the old words (in 1984) instead of "building up the church." ummmm... I haven't kept up with the changes since I realized that I didn't want to be a part of it.

I am so glad I never went through without knowing about the temple. I can view it objectively because I studied.

I never went through, either, which is a TREMENDOUS relief. Of course, the whole ceremony is on the web, so I've read all about it, including the various changes over the years.

Funny how often I've heard people say, "It's going to seem really weird when you go through the first time. You'll get used to it".

That was my first clue, and it turned out to be a weird, cult-like bunch of oaths, rituals and penalties.

And, I don't have to worry about getting garments, or getting rid of them.

Whew!

I thought it was an absolute cult the first time I went through. But, being raised in the church (cult) my whole life, I got use to it...somewhat. My mind twisted thoughts about group-think and my family's seemingly happy participation in the whole sickening "ordinance".

I had never heard ANYTHING about the whole ceremony before so the first time was a big blur. I was so creeped out by the signs and tokens. I was laughing at the stupid baker's cap and outfit. But my mind went through the worst cognitive dissonance when we all got into the prayer circle and raised our hands above our heads and repeated, "oh god, hear the words of my mouth" (repeated three times). All while the women veiled their faces. I thought that went completely against the secret combinations talked about in the BoM.

But, like a good lemming, I simply bowed my head and said, "yes."

I just kept telling myself this ceremony is so strange because it's thousands of years old and our culture now is just different then the old days. [huge eye roll]

I was so busy trying to hear and make sense of the words that I didn't catch the meaning. It took me a long time to realize I'd sold my soul to a corporation. When it dawned on me I couldn't get out fast enough. That's the main reason I wanted out officially.

Oh yes, the very first time, upon entering and seeing those cash registers, seeing the frowning faces, feeling the presence of evil--really creepy, Satanic evil--the whole time. The naked touching made me nauseated. I needed air. The old lady sitting next to me had audible gas. I wanted to run out of there! I listened very hard to gain the "new knowledge" that I had been promised, but it was just old familiar Genesis verses, and repetitions of nonsense: "You will go down. I will go down. We will go down." I couldn't breathe under the heavy veil.

This is the honest truth: I went through the temple when they had the blood oaths with the hand gestures, and I had my fingers crossed, in the fold of my dress, the whole time, saying to myself, "God in Heaven, I don't mean it!" I knew the rituals did not come from God.

But I was afraid to talk about it. I would have been the ONLY one freaked out, the only one to not feel that it was the most spiritual experience of their entire life. I kept wondering, "HOW can my father and mother believe this stuff?"

What I realized the first time was this was the strangest, craziest thing I had ever seen, and some things the funniest. I just kept looking at the stupid bakers' hats and the grown men wearing green EMBROIDERED girly looking aprons, attempting to stifle the laughter that wanted to gush out.

And I was getting married too, for gawd's sake, and I wanted everyone that I didn't know out of there. I mean this was supposed to be about us and people we knew and who knew us. Instead, there were all these other stupid people dressed in the same clothes as us. I truly did not realize this was how it would be. That sooo many people would be around.

I felt like I was part of a really bad and weird ward road show, and a big part of me wanted out, out, out. Out the back, front or side door--it didn't matter which or how, just show me to the goddamn door.

But, how can I leave when it is was all supposed to be so SPESUL n' everythin' and, and, you know, I had just earned this really wonderful, but uglee (and I do mean uglee) underwear that would protect me from satan's charms, oops, I mean arms.

So, I sat there really not liking any part of the ceremony, not even the wedding part. I knew I looked like the ugliest of the ugly step-sisters by the time the wedding ceremony was finally a happenin', and I hated that I had to hide my rather-lovely-heathen-wedding-dress. and I just wanted to cry and wail over these injustices. THIS WAS NOT WHAT MY WEDDING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE!!! (I use "my wedding" because my hubby-to-be had been to one of these things before and he still brought me here. I mean he KNEW. Gosh darn, he knew).

And, I can count on one hand how many times I ever returned, even though I was an active church attending moron for about eight years after.

I read or went bike riding or cleaned the bathroom or drank strichnine rather than endure thaaat again.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2013 03:24AM by presleynfactsrock.

I envy your smarts. Sigh!

The interview with the bishop gave me an idea of what would be required. Pledging allegience (or however they worded it) to the top three gave me a big clue and so I never used by recommend. I'd love to see that list of temple interview questions.

Reading these bring back flashbacks from the only time I've been to the temple. The celestial room. TBM wife says: "Isn't this peaceful?" All I could think: "How have I ended up here?!?"

At this point I realize all my initial feelings about TCSS were right on the mark. Please, may I remember this in the next lifetime so that I will not make the same mistake again?

I had a few thoughts like how silly my future husband looked in that ridiculous hat. I had been "prepared" for the naked touching because I demanded to know from my sister when I had heard rumors. I thought about secret combinations and rituals. I basically just wanted to get through it as I had friends who had told me it was bizarre and one said she almost left the church over it (maybe she has now).

I went back 4 or 5 times. The whole experience always made me uneasy. I thought it was bizarre and I hated the "acting"--I thought I'd get to go sit and listen. The old bitch ladies made it even more enjoyable.

The sealings to another stand-in man instead of my husband was the last straw. I never went back. (They pulled me aside when I got there as some other woman hadn't shown up.)

I actually didn't realize I had covenanted to give everything to the lds church until I read what SuzieQ posts when I first came here.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/27/2013 06:33PM by cl2.

At first I just thought it was a little weird but then I saw all of us dressed up like cult members, bowing our heads and dating yes like cult members, us women veiling our faces like cult members( which I found horribly offensive) oh yeah and CHANTING like cult members.
I thought to myself in the middle of all of this "omg no wonder people think we are a cult!" It didn't click until later that for people to know that, they would have had to have been members who had gone to the temple. Not just anti Mormon people who didn't understand our religion. And what I really should have been saying is "omg we really are a cult!"

Several things bothered me.

It was my wedding day and not the time to second think things. I was creeped out by some things and felt a little mad that no one had warned me about the specifics that were especially disturbing.

My rationalization skills went into hyper-drive to make it OK. I figured Satan was giving me cult signals and trying to make me feel weird.

I felt a little disappointed to realize God was into handshakes and code words.

I was determined to get past it all. I went back to the temple frequently until I had everything memorized and the weirdness went away. I felt so special!

Goddamn, it all bothered me too. Every single bit of it. The chanting, the ridiculous clothes, the ominous tone of it all, the tokens and signs, the cash registers, the fact that my new name was just the flavor of the day, the portrayal of the father and JC, EVERYTHING.

And it drives me nuts I didn't follow my instincts, because I went on to am mission afterwards and attended the temple probably a good 25+ times throughout my life just out of sheer obligation and force, trying to coerce myself into thinking it was peaceful (balony!!!). It drives me nuts that I didn't just listen to my instincts and run run run far away. I never really knew how to listen to instincts before because instincts were always trumped by "the spirit." But I sure do now.

Instincts should ALWAYS be listened to. It's perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned in the whole process of escaping the awful awful cult.

Don't worry my friends I felt strange when I first went through
I looked at my friend who was guiding me and I could only think of mr pastry he looked so ridiculous I had to stop myself from bursting into laughter, I've been back twice since but won't be going again,it's Masonic at best and satanic at worst

Crusader

Further to my previous comments I must add that I have tried very hard. To believe in the lds church and I just never got it, I decided after thirty plus years that it wasn't me that didn't want the church and the temple but the church that didn't want me
I still go occasionally but I don't get involved with anyone I just drift in and out without making a noise,there are some very learned people trying to build a case against the church,I don't think they will ever succeed because the church is too powerful and will safeguard its vast wealth at any cost but they are at least trying to help those who have left and are experiencing the
Emotional nightmare that many have described,I wish there were somewhere in the uk for troubled mormons and ex mormons to meet and talk if anybody knows of such a place please let me know
God bless us all

Crusader

I had heard tales, so I was expecting some pretty weird sh....stuff. I wasn't all that blown away the first time. As the years went by, the thing that bothered me the most was how freakin' boring it was.

When it came to the solemn oaths, I crossed my fingers - not wishing to be held to giving all I would ever get to TSCC because I had, at very least, severe doubts about the church. I also held that I had already pledged to Christ. I was quite upset by the whole thing. The problem was that I wasn't there alone and could not communicate with DW or I would have vammoused. Also, our then seven children were in the temple for the sealing and more than a dozen members had also made the 260 mile trip. In the few trips over the next 31 years, I always figured that I was NOT making any covenants for myself or promises but only acting on behalf of some poor dead person who would know but was true and had nothing to give anyway.

THE CREEPIEST thing I've ever done. Yes, I knew I was covenanting my life away. What I hated? That I promised to uphold these covenants before I even knew what they were. But there was my family all around me. They were all so proud of this moment.

I wanted to cry. To run. It felt evil and dark. Satan was there saying I would be in his power if I didn't keep every covenant. My girlhood now behind me, as I wore the ugly white underwear, which were now my shield and protection...proof of how much I loved God. It felt...wrong. But everyone around me was good. They were the people who had loved me my whole life. They were my people, all dressed up in weird clothing, looking serious while sneaking happy smiles my way. I was about to be married...and suddenly it all felt like a giant trap.

It was.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/29/2013 02:15PM by erictheex.

I was a Rainbow Girl (junior Eastern Star) back in my teens. I have always been deaf in my left ear so during the initiation they whispered all the secret words into that ear. I spent several months being terrified someone would ask for passwords I'd never heard. Low and behold, I get to the temple and it is the same Masonic mumbo jumbo, and I can't hear half of what is said or asked. Complete panic at the veil. From the first moment I thought,oh no, another lame club! I also went through many times with my fingers crossed and many eyerolls. Never got so I could go through the veil without a problem. What did you say?