I've been in Virginia for almost a year now, and for the most part the church hasn't bothered me (my wife is active in the ward). Last night someone called and said he'd been assigned to "check in" with me and ask me if I'm doing all right. I'm assuming he means he's our home teacher, but I could be wrong. We haven't had one since we've been here (not that I mind).

When he asked if I was doing all right, I realized that, in the past, I would have just said, "I'm fine" as an automatic response. But this time I really meant it. Not only am I doing fine, but I'm happy and content, two emotions I don't think I understood, let alone experienced, when I was a believer.

It struck me that there's nothing they can give me, nothing they can do for me, that will make me any more "all right" than I am. Recognizing that I don't need the church or anything or anyone else to be happy and content was a watershed moment for me.

"Thanks anyway, but I'm an adult. I don't need your church to keep tabs on me."

"You were ASSIGNED to check on me? Assigned by who? I'm not
sure I like the idea of people I don't know being "assigned" to
check on me."

I guess I'm not worried about that so much, as I expect people to be assigned to drag me back, kicking and screaming.

My point is that I'm happy, full stop. Nothing the assigned checker-upper could possibly do would make me any happier. I just don't think I quite realized that until last night.

You must have been a tremendous disappointment for the poor guy. Next time, try to conjure up some angst!

I'm glad you are doing well.

Thanks. I am indeed doing well. I'm off all the depression meds except the one that helps me sleep, and I'm going to talk to my doctor about getting off that one, too.

I guess I just hadn't really thought about it until last night that I am genuinely doing better than I can remember.

The funny thing is that I mentioned a few weeks ago elsewhere that I no longer feel the crippling guilt and self-loathing I used to feel, but I'm OK with who I am. Some Mormon guy said I am becoming "cold" to appropriate guilt, which made me laugh. That's the whole problem: as a Mormon, I felt guilty about everything. I stressed over "sins" I committed but also about not doing enough, not being good enough, not trying hard enough. That's not appropriate guilt at all.

I know this is a serious thread, and I am so glad you are doing better, runtu. But this: 'becoming "cold" to appropriate guilt' made me laugh hysterically too. WTF? They are so brainwashed.

It's not *that* serious, as the "cold to guilt" thing made me laugh too.

It's kind of sad, though, that the Mormon guy views contentment as equivalent to not feeling appropriate guilt. I really didn't like myself as a Mormon, but now I do. Who I am inside isn't an enemy to God but just a regular guy who is probably no better or worse than most people. But being a normal human being is a great thing. Who knew?

My response would be, "Thanks for checking up on me to see if I'm all right. The truth is there is only thing I know that would make things better."

Caller: What's that?

Me: I'd like the ward financial clerk to get my records from SLC, calculate every dime I've given in tithes, building funds, temple building projects, fast offerings, etc. and have the Bishop cut me a check and REFUND THE MONEY. Then I'll re-calibrate my response to your question and see if I'm all right.

What a wonderful place to finally be.

Reminds me of this clip from Labrinth....
"You have no power over me."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MolWhOGhRc

So glad to hear that you are doing well.

Miss your funny posts here, and whatever happened to that hilarious alphabetical glossary you used to post?

That was you, right?


Anagrammy

PS. For newbies: runtu is our famous author of Bolivia mission-tell-all book "Heaven Up Here" by John Williams. I could not put it down and read all night. 5 stars on Amazon.

Hi, anagrammy! Nice to see you, too. I'll eventually get around to finishing the dictionary. It's hard to find the time. And thank you for the kind words about my book.

Glad to hear it!

is this the NSA?