TBM family & friends have been shunning us since we learned the truth & left TSCC 2 years ago. We tried our best to maintain contact & relationships with these people but due to their behavior when we are with them we have decided to stop trying. DH's parents have been the worse out of everyone. When we do, rarely, see them FIL acts angry, ignores us & won't be in the same room as our family. MIL tries to pretend like everything is fine but she basically ignores us too, but is polite to our face. DH has tried to talk with them about the situation & work it out but MIL pretends like she has no idea what he is talking about & denies ALL of their behavior towards us. Other family members are having the same response to us as well but just not as severely.

I just don't get it. Why can't they at least own it? why pretend like they aren't treating us differently? Why can't they have a mature, adult conversation about the situation? I'm understanding that this may be difficult for them; its hard for us too. I'm just so frustrated. I'm to the point where I think this is probably the end of any relationship with them.
Any advice or input on this would be greatly appreciated?

It is a truism that you want to reward positive behavior and disengage from negative behavior. You might just want to have a phone relationship with them for now. That way when they are being inappropriate you can find an excuse to hang up.

Their behavior is very passive-aggressive. They would be the first to deny that anything is wrong. But you should still not be "rewarding" their poor behavior with your presence.

Try to show them how content and happy you are when you are around them.

I think they are trying to show you how hurt they are, and punish you with their withdrawal. Ignore their borish behavior and act like all is well.

Or stay away and enjoy your life with people who really care about you.

anonthistime Wrote:
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> I just don't get it. Why can't they at least own it?

It's just habitual.
They shun their own lives.

How can anyone expect them to have any bearing in what is real?

I guess you have to decide how badly you want to have relationships with these people. Relationships go both ways, and it sounds like you're putting most of the effort into maintaining these relationships.

Like summer said, you have to reward positive behavior and point out negative behavior. We show people how we expect them to treat us. If your FIL is ignoring you and acting angry, call him out on it and ask why he's acting this way. If he won't tell you, tell them you won't be treated this way and you're leaving because of his behavior. Same with MIL. Make sure they know exactly what behavior you won't tolerate and what the consequences will be for continuing that behavior. And remember, be consistent! Don't let them slide once or twice. Call them on their behavior as soon as it occurs.

I had to come down hard on my brother once. I live in Utah, and he and his wife were coming out to pick up my niece from BYUI one December. He wanted to get together and meet my new (same sex) boyfriend.

I thought the evening went well. But about a week later I got an e-mail from my brother chewing me out for "attacking his religion" and "pushing my gay lifestyle on him," even though he was the one who asked to meet my boyfriend.

I didn't let this slide. I sent an e-mail back calling out his bullshit on everything he had to say. I used lots of bad language, and left him with no doubt exactly how I felt. I finished the e-mail by telling him I was spending the holidays with my boyfriend who loved me and that I would not tolerate any communication from him over the holidays. If he wished to discuss this further it would have to wait until January. A few days into January he called and apologized. His behavior has been much better since then.

Let your in-laws know what the rules will be for a continued relationship.