I enjoyed reading your story. Both my father and my brother were trained as engineers. My brother has lots of engineer friends. So I have a soft spot in my heart for engineers. :)
It took me a long time to understand that my brother and I have different communication styles. Whenever I bring him a problem, I am usually just looking for a sympathetic ear. But as an engineer by training, if I bring him a problem, then by George he is going to SOLVE that problem if it is the last thing he does! He's a great brother.
That was a really interesting story. Thanks for sharing. I think really intelligent poeple have an even harder time with TSCC because they can intuit it's so illogical. It's impossible for them to just believe it all. And being gay in a situation where gays are so demonized must have been really difficult.
I really need to stress that I realized I was gay AFTER I left the church. It's something that really bugs me, because people are always like:
"You left the church because you're gay, didn't you?"
No. I left the church because it's WRONG.
It's just an example of how controlling and damaging the church can be, because it took a couple of years for me to even realize there was a *reason* I didn't find women enticing. The idea that being gay was an *option* and something that actually happens...
LOL! Yes! I had those same questions as a young-un, "Why does the Holy Spirit leave the unworthy—the ones that need it most to guide them?", and the "Isn't that what Satan would do or say?" retort...sometimes openly, in Sunday School or other classes--but I wasn't smart enough at that age to follow those objections to their final conclusion, so I would place them obediently on my "shelf", because "da chuch was still twoo". It wasn't until some 30 years later that "shelf" would hold no more bullshite.
Loved your exit story. The way you describe what happened to you seems like an "industrial strength" version of what a lot of us got in smaller doses.
You make me feel sort of lucky to have been a little more oblivious to what was happening. (My brain works the opposite of an engineer type I think.) I accepted way too easily that it was all my fault, and just put all my efforts into excelling at school, like you. I also put a lot of effort into being socially inept, just like you. But you learn, don't you.
Glad you made it through and seem to be in a much better place. I think you have great insights which have a lot more to do with things than just an IQ level. Thank you for posting that.
I don't know where you are, but I left the Morridor rather soon after graduating BYU and I found the biggest change about living in a religiously diverse area was that all the religions seemed to cancel each other out. No one seemed interested at all in your religious preference.
As a result people tend to see you more for who you really are. If you are smart they will notice. If you are talented they will notice. Judgement is a tenth of what it was when I was a young Mormon and any standards we are held to here are realistic, not some made up phony standard concocted to keep a bunch of grey haired old "losers" in control of their empire.
As long as you are aware that we can all be pricks some time, you will always be okay.
I loved how you described your neighborhood growing up as a place where everyone's favorite topic of conversation was how bad things on TV are getting. I grew up in a similar kind of place in Davis County, UT.
Your description of disliking church activities and liking school resonated with me. My mom always gave me grief about missing "mutual." But I generally had soccer practices on Wednesday, and needed a few hours for homework--something she was loath to understand. I didn't get straight A's like you, but did alright.
It's also how often TBM parents simply attribute rebellion against anything associated with the church as an "attitude problem," or anti-social behavior. Of course, that kind of feeds on itself if we accept those judgements--even though that's often not who we are.
You don't sound socially inept, you were just struggling with a difficult social environment that doesn't accept people like you! Sometimes that requires plain speaking.
My father certainly harbored those kinds of attitudes about me. That is until I continued to live my life outside the church for a few years with quite a good level of personal and professional success. I hope they see that I'm much more at peace with myself and the world around me. Now I don't have to conform myself or the wold to Mormonism, and that has been very liberating.
We all share different life experience with respect to these matters with the LDS organization, but many aspects of a person's story often resonate despite those differences.