Posted by:
slimchance
(
)
Date: February 01, 2014 12:15PM
For a year or two my friends and family have known that my wife and I left the church but we haven't talked about it much. They have wanted to ask us but their emotions were too strong for us to have any reasonable conversations. I can tell most of them are getting used to our situation now and I would like to tell them how I feel. I think I'm going to send the following letter to most of them. I'm posting here for several reasons: maybe some of you would simply enjoy reading this, maybe some have comments, maybe it just feels good for me to start being more public about it.
Dear Friends and Family,
By now, many of you know that N_____ and I are no longer active in the church. We haven’t spoken much about it for a few reasons. We haven’t known what to say or how to bring up such an emotional subject. And, we wanted to take things slow. We spent most of our lives following a strict set of beliefs and we weren’t just going to race off in another direction without taking time to carefully and prayerfully consider our future. Things are coming to a head now and it’s time to share how we feel.
The simple story is that we discovered many of the most basic, fundamental claims the church makes just aren’t true. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. A few years ago I thought I had heard all the negative issues about the church and I thought there was a good explanation for most of them. Especially after going on a mission. I just dismissed most criticisms as “anti-mormon” lies. I figured many things were taken out of context. I assumed most critics of the church were just arrogant intellectuals or offended sinners.
For most of my life I believed the church was true although I still had frequent doubts. Despite my doubts I had many wonderful experiences as a member of the church. I accepted those as spiritual witnesses of the validity of the church and I chose to believe.
Things started to change after S_____ was born. When she was born I entered a new phase of my life. Meeting her was the single most humbling and emotional experience I’ve ever had. It made me re-focus on my spirituality. I rededicated myself to studying the gospel and living righteously. I was consumed with a desire to be a wise father and provider. I was fearful of making poor choices that would hinder my family's progression.
I spent time very early every morning reading the scriptures and praying. Due to my curious nature, I also started studying more about church history. I wanted to know more details about the early church members. I wanted to understand more about what Joseph Smith must have felt. I read early editions of the various journals of discourses; journals, biographies, and autobiographies of the early church leaders; digitally archived copies of the Times and Seasons; and other such writings.
At first it was an exciting and rewarding process but slowly I started to notice a lot of things that bothered me. I was quick to dismiss them though because I was taught that Satan was out to deceive us and trick us. I figured all I needed to know was the church is true and if there was something that seemed to call doubt then it should be cast aside. That strategy worked fine for awhile but it couldn’t last.
First of all, I’m not one to stick my head in the sand. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away.
Second, why should I be disturbed about learning as much information as possible about the restoration of the Lord’s church. Learning of his work should be beautiful and edifying. Sure, even the most beautiful things might have warts but I’m fine with that - I don’t expect perfection. I wasn’t a critic digging for dirt. I was an honest seeker looking for answers. I thought that gaining light and knowledge was part of our eternal purpose. It should be secondary, of course, to things like following the savior and building our families but, none the less, knowledge and learning were supposed to be important. I was taught that all truth is gospel and any principle or intelligence we gain in this life will benefit us in the life to come.
Third, awareness and curiosity about the church is growing and many people have questions about it. I had friends outside of the church ask me sincere questions and I didn’t have answers because I had never even heard of the issues. They brought up issues with the church that I hadn’t even encountered on my mission. I knew I couldn’t hide from tough issues.
So I continued studying. Unfortunately I didn’t find answers and what I realized is that many of the worst things I had heard about the church are true. The true history of the church is more disturbing and contradictory than I had ever imagined. I was bewildered. I realized that the picture of the church I had developed over 20 some years was inaccurate. I was upset that things had been hidden from me. I still thought that the church must be true though. Even though I was disillusioned I couldn’t accept that the church was wrong.
At one point I decided I should rid myself of doubt by doubling-down on my “faith promoting” actions and rhetoric. I tried to act and talk the part of a true believer even though my doubts were stronger than ever. Looking back I’m embarrassed about some of the things I said and did. I feel somewhat hypocritical but I was just trying to salvage my testimony by grasping at straws.
That was a frustrating and depressing position to be in. I shared the things I was learning with N_____ and we talked about them a lot. She did some of her own research and we saw eye-to-eye on almost everything. Our deepest beliefs were being shaken but our commitment to each other was stronger than ever. It would have been terribly lonely without her.
Together, we considered the possibility that the church wasn’t what it claimed to be. That it wasn’t God’s one and only true church. There were parts of the church that we liked but there were too many bad things to explain away. One thing was sure though, we had to take the church, all of it, or leave it. Either it’s true or it isn’t. The presidents of the church have been very explicit that either it’s 100% true or it’s a total fraud.
We had a lot of ramifications to consider. If we don’t believe in the church what do we believe in? What do we teach our children? If we reject the church that means we no longer believe our temple sealing is an ordinance that binds our family together for eternity. If I say Mormonism is wrong I’m also saying that some of the people I admire most are wrong. And the Book of Mormon - it was the single most powerful thing that converted me to the church - how could I deny it?
These thoughts and so many more were on our minds. We read scriptures and prayed. We looked for answers. Finally we could no longer deny that we just didn’t believe in the church. We didn’t believe it was true.
When we accepted that idea it was a remarkable feeling. It was scary and exciting at the same time. It wasn’t what we expected. We had left our views, beliefs, and interpretation of the universe behind and now we didn’t know what we believed. One would expect to feel uncertainty and fear after such a life changing shift but we didn’t feel that way. We actually felt less fear, and the uncertainty didn’t bother us. I felt like I was suddenly using part of my mind that had been dormant and it felt great. The closest comparison I can think of is how good it feels to take off a pair of stiff boots after you’ve been wearing them all day. I suppose it’s like we took blinders off and our horizon became so much wider. N_____ and I like to describe it as though we saw the world in black and white before and now it is in color.
I don’t intend to describe it as all roses and no thorns, there have been tough issues to deal with. Psychologically it’s a big shock and treading into the unknown is scary; but mostly, our biggest fear has been the reactions we would receive from our close family and friends.
We also miss the sense of community we had within the church. Our friends in the ward have tried to treat us with love and friendship but the closeness just isn’t there anymore. I think part of that is because some feel threatened (like their testimonies are at stake if they spend too much time with us) but mostly I think it is because their time is consumed by church activities and ours is not. (A side note: It’s somewhat ironic that we came to our full realization about the church while attending church in the Jerome 6th ward. We made so many friends there and were very happy. I used to believe that most people who left the church did so because they were offended or didn’t feel like they belonged.)
That brings us to today. We don’t know what the future holds but we’re happy and optimistic. We’re open to any possibility. We know that life passes quickly. We don’t want to waste any time doing something that doesn’t feel right in our hearts and our minds. We hope that we will always live with courage and enthusiasm. We hope that others will judge us by our charity and authenticity.
Sincerely,
S______
Postscript
I’ve decided to address several questions or comments that have been directed at me. I’m trying to say as little as possible because I want to avoid debate or argument. The following questions are ones that I have heard repeatedly, therefore I believe it is worth addressing them.
1. “If you spent as much time reading the ‘Book of Mormon’ as ‘anti-Mormon’ literature you wouldn’t have lost your testimony.”
Response - Why would you assume I didn’t read the Book of Mormon every single day? Because I did and I continued reading it for some time after I quit attending church. The problem is, the Book of Mormon is it’s own worst enemy. It is a tangible record of Joseph Smith’s errors.
2. “You have to be careful because Satan has so much power in these days. Don’t let him deceive you.”
Response - I considered that. I specifically recall a warning Joseph Smith gave to a member, he said “When you joined this Church you enlisted to serve God. When you did that you left the neutral ground, and you never can get back on to it. Should you forsake the Master you enlisted to serve, it will be by the instigation of the evil one, and you will follow his dictation and be his servant.”
In our time, Boyd K. Packer said, “Remember: when you see the bitter apostate, you do not see only an absence of light, you see also the presence of darkness.”
My simple response is that I don’t feel bitter, or darkened, or in service of Satan. I feel enlightened, even grateful. I would point out the many leaders of other sects (LDS splinter groups, Catholics, Muslims, etc.) that have given equally somber warnings about those who would question the beliefs in which they were born and raised.
3. “What about your poor children? What kind of a world are you raising them in without the gospel? Have you considered the consequences to their lives?”
Response - My children are always my first thought. They are the only beings I love more than my dear wife.
4. “God is testing your faith.”
Response - There is a difference between faith and delusion. Faith is belief and hope in something that we can’t prove. Delusion is believing in something that is demonstrably false.
5. “This is just a trial. You will rediscover your belief and be stronger in the gospel than ever before.”
Response - Anything is possible. I leave the door open. But, it is highly improbable. If it is just a trial, then that means the most elaborate and imposing test we face on the earth is deciding what is God’s one and only legitimate organization. A decision that must be made by using only faith. It means charity, integrity, mental discipline, and physical control are all secondary to picking the right church. It means I have to face this challenge and overcome it by choosing to believe something against my intuition and judgement. It means I can’t use good evidence, in fact I have to ignore mountains of evidence. It means the only tool I have to use is my feelings. Feelings that could be from the Holy Ghost or just my own emotions. Feelings that even apostles and prophets admit are confusing and difficult to decipher. The same feelings that convince Warren Jeffs’ followers that he is God’s prophet. The same feelings that convince Muslims they are justified in their beliefs.
6. “There must be something amiss in your life or some unresolved sin.”
Response - Well, I admit to using curse words from time to time, and before I left the church I snowmobiled on Sunday (two times in my whole life), and I went motorcycle riding one time after church. I have to admit to watching rated-R movies but at the same time I don’t have cablevision in my house because so much of it is garbage. I guess you can say that I lack humility, but I’ll tell you what, it takes a lot of humility to accept that maybe your entire belief system is a folly.
7. “You still believe in Heavenly Father and the Savior, right?”
Response - It’s hard to know what to believe. I pray every night with my children. I hope for an eternity with my loved ones. Jesus Christ’s teachings are beautiful. The problem is the church does an extremely good job of teaching you that nothing else is true. When you realize the Mormon church isn’t true you look at everything else with a lot of skepticism.
8. “You made sacred covenants in the temple. You are damning your soul for eternity.”
Response - If the church is actually true, then yes.
9. “You’ve been too focused on worldly things.”
Response - That’s a very subjective criticism to dispute. All I can do is deny the allegation and let my actions speak for me.
10. “Life seems good to you now but just wait ‘til a trial comes. You’ll need Heavenly Father’s help and you will have kicked him out of your life.”
Response - Life does seem good to me now. Despite the stress of un-meshing myself from a very controlling religion I feel happy and content. I remember being a true believer and thinking how the rest of the world thinks they’re happy but they don’t really know true happiness. Now I’ve been in both camps - the true believer and the apostate - and I feel just fine staking my tent here.
12. “Isn’t there someone you could talk to about your doubts… someone who could answer some of your questions?”
Response - A couple years ago I naively thought that my priesthood leaders could help me find answers. I found out that most members, even bishops and stake presidents, don’t know about the most troubling issues or they’ve heard only the half-truths and distortions that the church perpetuates.