First, let me put a disclaimer that I understand the sensitivity of this subject. I am not trying to marginalize anyone that has attempted suicide or those that know people that have. This is merely my experience with the teachings of the church.

Growing up in the mother ship, the LDS teachings are very black and white. Do this and don't do that. In my high school years, my parents separated for about a year. During that time, I happened to find a girlfriend and we started dating exclusively. I would visit her house daily as I had zero stability at home. Her family was very welcoming and I enjoyed their friendship at a time when I really needed it.

We dated for quite some time and after a while, got very comfortable with each other. This was my first steady girlfriend and because of my black and white upbringing, I was actually a very good boy. I never instigated any sort of touching or petting. After dating for a few months, she grabbed my hand and placed it under her shirt. It was the first time I had ever touched boobs. I liked it, but at the same time, I felt extremely bad. Over the course of a few more months, she and I engaged in petting, but nothing more. No intercourse of any kind. We broke up when she moved to college.

After we broke up, I stopped taking the sacrament. I confessed to my bishop and started the repentance process. I was depressed and felt extreme shame and guilt. I felt like I had taken this girls virginity even though I hadn't. I felt as if I had destroyed her opportunity to return to God and receive her exaltation. If that isn't Godly sorrow, I don't know what is. I knew I had taken the steps for my own repentance, but I worried that she would not do the same and would therefore be unable to return to God.

After a couple of months working through this with my bishop, the sorrow of thinking she might not return to God was too much for me. I finally prayed to God to have me die. I thought if God would kill me, it would be a wake up call to her and she would finally start the repentance process on her own and therefore could return to God someday.

I remember as I was praying and crying feeling a level of peace that I was ready to die. That I had nothing left to offer the world and dying would prevent me from harming any other individuals. It was quite surreal thinking about how God would take my life.

I never attempted suicide on my own. I knew that suicide was frowned upon in the church so the only way for me to actually die was if God did it on his own. When he didn't, I just kept living my life as best I could.

I went on a mission and was doing really well. After a few months in the mission field, I slipped up and masturbated. All that guilt immediately came rushing back into my life. I called the mission president and asked for an emergency interview. That night, I prayed for the second time in my life to die. I wanted to die so bad because I was shameful and guilt ridden over what I had done. I couldn't stand the thought of being sent home and embarrassed because I had masturbated. I prayed all night long to just have a heart attack and die.

The next day I met with the mission president and confessed. He looked at me with a smirk and said, "Elder, it's ok. You don't have to go home." He then went on to tell me that it was normal and that I should try not to do it, but to not beat myself up if I did. It was the first time in my life that an adult had helped me understand why I was doing those things instead of just trying to condemn me for doing those things.

I've never prayed to die since, but the guilt of the church was always nagging at me during my time as a member. It wasn't until after I resigned that I finally found lasting peace with being a good person. I didn't need to feel guilt or depressed over stupid things anymore. I can be a good person and that is all that matters.

I share this story to call out anyone that says the church doesn't teach this or that. For me, the teachings of the church were the reason I wanted to die. No one can convince me otherwise. And for those leaders that know the church is not true but still peddle its harmful teachings, you will have to answer before God why you taught those things all the while people are praying to die, or worse, actually taking their own lives because of what you teach.

I can sooooo relate to what you said because I felt the same way. The teaching is so strong that if you die before the age of accountablity, you go straight to the celestial kingdom. But after that, you're just a filthy sinner with no hope. Kid's take that so much to heart.

As an adult exmo, I've had many conversations with other exmos who believed/felt the same way. We had all begged god to take us because we were filthy sinners.

It's such a tragedy and cuts to the core, the mistaken idea that TSCC is good for raising children!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2014 12:52PM by Devoted Exmo.

It's ok. I was another kid who didn't learn masturbation was normal until his mission. Grew up thinking I was committing a sin that was next to murder in severity and that I was a horrible person and would never be good enough for anybody.

Thanks mormonism!

Heartbreaking..

I"m so SO sorry you went through all that. I'm so sorry for anyone who has ever felt like that. Such shame and guilt. (I remember it as well).

What abuse that is huh?

I'm sorry.

Your story is a good example of why the church is toxic.

would shine thru.....some day I'll be an adult and no one can tell me what to do/what to think. I'll be free..........


AND I am.

Whew......I'm alive and living MY life.

KJ/AnonyMs

I was in such a struggle over petting and masturbation as a teenager that I made a commitment to kill myself if I couldn't get "my problem" under control over summer vacation. I had been to the bishop to repent 3 or 4 times already and just didn't feel I could go that route again.

I wrote up a letter with my commitment to stop "sinning" or kill myself and took it over to a friend's house with the intent to leave it inside the screen door. My friend's family was out of the country for the summer. I had written a little note on the envelope to my friend to give me back the letter without opening it.....which of course, he would not be able to do if I had killed myself before his family came back. Instead he would open and read the letter and then it would become my suicide note instead of my "commitment to change" letter.

Fortunately, unbeknownst to me, a college student was staying at the house. I guess teenagers don't know that people don't go away for three months without leaving somebody to look after their place because I was really surprised that somebody was there. She found me at the door and acted like I was some sort of crazy person (imagine that). I argued with her for awhile about needing to leave this letter that had a note on it saying for my friend to give it back to me without opening it. She got really angry and refused to allow me to leave the letter and made me leave the property.

I felt very humiliated and like I was being an idiot, which of course I was. I had been quite serious about making a commitment to kill myself if I could not stop masturbating.

Feeling like a complete idiot was an improvement and I started to get over thinking I should kill myself. I had spent months and years in agony over this, not sleeping at night, and knowing I was not good enough and that I could never be good enough.

This is one reason I am soooooooo glad I never read the book "Miracle of Forgiveness". I've heard from some who have read it that it infused them with guilt. I just never got around to reading it.

Sorry you went through all that agony. I really hope lurkers learn from what they read here both for themselves and their own children's benefit.

When I went on my mission in 1973, I felt the need to go, programming kicked in. I made a decision that I had a tribe and I needed to go through the 2 year initiation. I felt it was the only way I could find the right woman, stay loyal to my past, find a job etc... So I gave up a full scholarship to play college football.

I got through all of the interviews, but I was a little vague about my sexual worthiness. I rationalized quite a bit. I made it through the LTM but we met with President Kimball for a special temple ceremony. I remember him banging the podium with a cane and saying that if we had not confessed our sins, we would sabotage our missions...

I struggled with that thought and went on my mission. I felt guilty and wrote my bishop a letter and said that I may have been a little more forthcoming. He wrote back and wanted details... I honestly don't remember what I wrote, but after awhile I let it drop. What was my sin? Masturbation, heavy petting with high school sweetheart, but technically still viriginish. (I don't think I ever told them the times I got drunk, got high on marijuana, broke into a lodge with a group of friends, went to nude bars with room mates, gambled -- using shaved cards no less.)

I recall a companion that had had a masturbation problem and often woke up in the night reaching orgasm. This nearly drove him crazy, meeting often with the mission president. I was glad when his time was up and he went home. I suspect he was quick to get married.

I went home and parroted "it was the greatest 2 years of my life"... wow.

I'm happy that the woman I married after my mission had been a mildly indoctrinated convert and so when I decided to leave the Church, she came with me. I am no longer a member of the mormon tribe. I even helped my parents out too. I never did get back into the same school, and worked hard to pay for my college.

In retrospect, I could have used some independent guidance.

I am shocked Matt20, that one of Saturday's Warriors who's wonder years spanned the 60's and 70's dabbled in booze, weed, and gambled. And to sneek that by President Kimball of all people! Not to mention touching one's self. I bet you listened to rock music as well. Pictures of Lilly no doubt.

Sarcasm aside, I would love to be able to be a fly on the wall of these judges of Israel when they were walking around with constant wood. I bet none of them ever snuck off to the two seater. Oh, sarcasm again. Neither did they take a snort of whiskey, play with face cards, or inhale a cloud of tobacco, or weed. Oh, sarcasm again.

I grew up in the 80's. We never did any of that kind of stuff.;)

On a truly more serious note. A few years back I was home alone and decided I'd had enough. It was about 0 out. So I put on a pair of swim trunks and sat outside in a lounge chair. Not as messy as other methods I guess. I know I was starting hypothermia, and thought I was having the beginnings of a heart attack. Of all things our Lab came and got me.

Wouldn't that make a testimony some Sunday? Saved by my Lab.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/10/2014 11:50PM by tensolator.

That wasn't a lab. It was one of the three Nephites wearing a fur coat. :-)

Sorry. Not making fun of your pain. Screw TSSC.

My heart mourns for those of us who swallowed the lies of the church hook, line and sinker. To think that all was lost when we masturbated or committed that sin that was as bad as murder; losing our virginity. Were we anomalies because we truly believed what we were told? Because now I know that there were a lot of good Mormon kids who were having sex who married in the temple. I know of one girl who was pregnant at the time. What was it in our personalities that made us take it so much to heart but others were able to just pay lip service and play the part? My generation came of age in the 70's so that may have something to do with it, having grown up in our formative years under McKay. I think, however, those reaching adulthood now are under much more control and burdened with shame for things that are natural to human beings, thanks to those currently at the top. I think they may suffer even more than we did. Damn those old men to HELL.